So, we’ve established by now that it’s time to move on.
There’s no hope of getting back with your ex and the only way out is forward.
But… how? When our relache is playing on loop in our minds?
Simply put… by shutting the door on that chapter and detoxing from them.
As mentioned, science shows a parallel between nose candy and your former bae.
That’s not a theory or opinion. It’s a legitimate imaging study done between the brain on love versus cocaine. Now, for anyone here who’s suffered the hell of active addiction before, you may well recall the pain of withdrawal. It was pain on every level. Not just your brain. Your whole body hurt. The color was sucked from anything and everything fun you once enjoyed. It felt like it’d last forever and never change. But, then, one day… it did. Once you really, truly realize that the same thing is happening in your brain while going through withdrawal from a lover and a drug, you realize something important. What’s the one rule you had to follow in order to detox and avoid activating the addiction again? Do. Not. Use. Right? That’s the first rule. What people don’t realize, however, is that each time we take an action to feel re-connected to our ex, we are using. Read that again. Attempting to re-connect with our ex, even without them present, gives us a fix on a physiological level. We’re getting high off of them, in their absence. It’s the masturbatory version of having them around again because, in solitude, we use the thoughts and activities that link us to them to accomplish what their company would. Why are we like this? Because we get a brief, dopamine high from feeling nearer to them. And, half the time, we don’t even realize that’s what we’re doing. So let’s stop that today, shall we? Let’s review what counts as “using” and see who among us is as guilty as I have definitely been so very many times before.
First, there’s the hardest part: the thoughts.
Looping the good times makes you miss them. Recalling arguments makes you angry. Wondering what they’re up to. Imagining who they’re with now. These thoughts arise and we ride them into a sunset of our own insanity, unable to focus on anything else. Thoughts are so tough to overcome. The antidote? Taking your brain to the gym to hone your re-focusing muscle and build some self calming brawn. (AKA meditation.) Meditation is a great practice for learning how to give these thoughts the finger as soon as they pop up. How’s it work? Not at all how you think.
(This is 100% normal. Especially if you’re just starting out…)
First, you sit in quiet silence, focusing on your breathing. Inevitably, the thought comes up. And, inevitably, you’ll start going with that thought. Your chest tightens. Your heartbeat quickens. (“That bastard! That slut!”) Then, suddenly, you’ll realize a minute or two later that you’re meant to be meditating and get mad at yourself. Skip the getting mad step. Instead, immediately return to the deep calming breath, redirect your focus, and calm your central nervous system. I don’t care if you hitched to that bad thought for five seconds or five hours. Skip the self deprecation part. Why? Because that mental deviation is part of meditation. You don’t get strong by lifting no weight. And you don’t get strong by quitting after the first rep. So, know that this process will repeat. Let it. Let those awful thoughts come, combat them with your breath and attention, and continue on. What you’ll notice is that the more than you do this, the time it takes to return to your self calming breath will become briefer and briefer. What you’ll also notice is that this will become second nature – like muscle memory – later on when you’re actually interacting with the world functionally; not just when you’re sitting in some serene lotus posture beside your sage and citrus Yankee candle. It actually translates to the real world.
The second means of “using” is social media.
(Ooooh… homegirl broke out the laptop to see his new ho in high def…)
Maybe you innocently hopped on to check notifications.
But, within moments, you’re on the prowl.
Did he change his profile picture? Did she update her relationship status to single yet? Or worse – “in a relationship” again? With someone else? Did he re-friend that ex he was talking to on the sly all along? Is she online right now? If so, who’s she talking to? Technology adds an awful whole new layer we never had to deal with a couple decades ago. It deprives us of the Schroedinger’s cat element of breakups. (“Maybe he moved on; maybe he didn’t…”) There’s no good outcome that arises from doing this. So, why do we do it? Again, to get our fix. There’s the fleeting excitement while we wait for that page to load. It’s a gamble. Maybe there’s some news that will drive us even further into anxiety. Maybe there’s nothing, and we’ll still wonder what they’re up to. The cycle not only continues, but gets amplified. And the prospect of detox is even further away now that we’ve reignited that cycle. The fix to seeking our fix? In this case, it may mean avoiding social media or even just blocking your ex to avoid the temptation of seeing what they’re doing.
The third thing we do to us is quite similar.
It’s a habit that combines the first two. And that’s the “communication review”. Ever peruse your old text messages and conversations? In a way, it’s like you’re reliving your whole relationship again. The inside jokes. The pictures. And then… the arguments and cruel words. By the end of your phone scrolling, you’ve not only failed to help yourself detox. You’re literally right back where you were at the start – freshly broken up. No wound healing. No moving on. You’ve just brought everything to the surface – only to suffer again. The compulsion to use is even stronger when we ruminate.
It’s the classic insanity of returning to the source of our pain to assuage said pain.
(Re-reading rejection makes you feel devalued again. Self devalue make us use. What do we use? The thing that devalued us. Do you see the cycle?)
Fourth is what I like to call the drive by.
You know where he goes. Hangs out. Shops. Gets his gas. You know when she’ll get off work and what street she tends to drive down. Ask yourself the honest question, then: are you purposely passing through these places because you know they’ll be there at those times? Are you taking the long way home in hopes of seeing his car? And who might be in it with him? In the past, I’ve realized that I was doing this on a subconscious level. My denial was so strong, that I didn’t even realize I was taking the long road that passes by his street each day or hitting the Walmart only when I knew he might be there. I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out. It came as more of a question: “Do you realize you never take that way home whenever you guys are doing okay?” Ouch. The truth hurt. (Even though I totally got defensive and denied it at the time.) But it remained true. And what happened after that was that, when I did knowingly take the long way home, I felt even worse than before. I mean it felt bad before, but I didn’t know why. Now I knew, and that feeling was amplified. Because, now, I felt worse for a lack of seeing him (or seeing him, for that matter) and worse about myself for giving into my addiction yet again. Relapse induces feelings of worthlessness. We feel devalued all over again. So, save yourself the trouble of these self deprecating activities by not only quitting the intentional drive-bys, but by avoiding places they may be. Even if it means going out of your way to visit the other Walmart across town. Not forever. Just for now.
Fifth is the super cringe-y one I never thought I’d do: the mutual friend schmooze. So… you haven’t spoken to that couple with whom you’re mutually pals, his mom, his grandma, or anyone else you both know for well over a year. Then, the breakup happens. And, within moments, you’re sending funny memes to her sister or his grams, hoping that their positive vote for you will register with your errant ex. He’ll come back when he sees how great everyone else thinks you are. He won’t. Also, your motives are so obvious. I’ve seen this one from my recent ex’s exes so many times. One chick he dated previously would come visit his mom for coffee after they broke up. Another took out his sister on spa trips (using her daddy’s credit card, big baller of a barista that she was). I rolled my eyes at this one so hard. That is, until I was the ex and realizing I was seconds from sending a picture to his grandma I thought she’d find funny. Ew. No. Put the phone down. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. Or whatever other non gender or double gender options we have now, in 2019.
(“Let’s send him a selfie of us together so he knows I came over to steal your pills help you out today!”)
So, why do we do this stuff? Aside from to get our fix? Well, in my past, it’s been about closure. Was there something hidden there in the messages, in the memories, or the passenger’s side of his passing Subaru that would give me a clue? Let me save you some time. The answer is no. Whatever you potentially recall or find as you rewind the gag reel that was your relationship might lead to more questions. But it definitely won’t give you any answers. Or closure. Only they can give you answers. But that’s not your cue to reach out. Because, when you do, they may not be the answers you want, you’ll reignite the addiction by interacting with them, and you’ll deny yourself closure because you don’t want to hear anything other than that they want you back. Case in point? When my ex told me he didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore, I immediately reached for any other reason it could be. Anything other than a lack of attraction. Was there another girl? What it just that he was freshly sober? More questions – until I finally stopped myself short. I cut myself off. Why? Because this self inquiry came to me: “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” That’s a horrible place to be. Constant signs of rejection are worse than being alone. Also, if you truly love them, as I loved him, you wouldn’t want that kind of a life for them, either. Only I could give myself closure from here on out. How? By closing the door on him and addictive activities like these that kept me linked to a dead connection.
And so can you.