“Would you say I’m… co-dependent?”
I got this question text from an ex-lover turned good friend the other day.
Our ship has long sailed, and now we’re in the territory where we can be brutally honest, but let it come from a place of love. So we do that for each other. That said, I had a newfound appreciation when I got this message. I suddenly felt what every man feels when his lady (or man… or nonbinary partner… or parakeet, whatever, it’s 2020) says, “Do I look fat in these pants?” You feel like it’s a trick question. You wanna answer honestly, but you feel their fingers on the metaphorical detonator the whole time.
So, I answered his question with a question: “What makes you ask that?” (Thanks, that one time I went to the shrink and learned this tactic…) And he went on to explain how he’s head over heels for this new girl he’s with. How they have a blast when they’re together. How awesome she is. But… whenever he’s away from her, he feels this vast emptiness come over him. Like he’s been powered down. All the world loses its color. All passions are deactivated. Typically pleasurable things feel suddenly meaningless. In a word, he was obsessed with this new lady. Just like the one before her. And the one before her… But it was a unique flavor of obsession called codependency. Just like each time before.
He knew the answer to his own question before he’d asked me. My friend’s done this in every relationship he’s ever been in. A new girl arrives in his life and he goes into love bombing mode with a quickness. She’s an angel on a pedestal. But this kind of adoration can only last so long. It’s not sustainable fuel for a long term relationships. So, what he (and many other co-dependents do) is… self sabotage. Either she can’t be there for him to serve as the drug that brings color and meaning to his world or she has some flaw he wants resolved so she can get on the pedestal again. It starts to feel like too much for her. She’s suffocated. Either way, it ends. And he’s back into the darkness again, missing her, and wanting her back.
And I knew this so well because it’s why he and I failed at dating.
I have this tendency too.
And I’ve had to work hard to manage it.
So, I asked him all the things I too had to figure out for myself when I was last healing from a relationship that made me realize just how co-dependent I tend to be. All the “what if’s”. What if your time alone wasn’t isolation? What if it was necessary solitude to keep growing and becoming more of the person she fell in love with? What if you spent your solo time pursuing the hobbies you love? Working on projects for the family you want to build together? And the stuff that’s just for you – like working out or fishing? People aren’t drugs. They should be supplements to the already wonderful life you’ve built for yourself.
(Fun fact: this doesn’t just happen in romantic dynamics. One of my besties has this same weird dynamic. She’s the caretaker. The other chick’s the self sabotaging mess, floundering to keep her attention.)
It sounds good in theory.
But every time it’s me going through it, it feels different. It’s so hard.
So how do you really do it?
Keep reading to learn how to heal from the obsession called codependency….