Okay, so maybe you’re used to getting obsessed with a partner.
You’ve sadly gotten used to the cycle of unbridled focus on someone else.
(…before it all goes up in flames and you gotta rinse and repeat)
So, when the tables turn, it catches you off guard.
THE CYCLE
Someone who tends to get obsessive in romantic relationships can fall into one of many categories. But, a common one is that of the anxious attachment style. You would think that this attachment style would want to pair up with somebody healthy so that we never have to spend our extra time obsessing over them. We would feel safe. Secure. Right? But what ends up happening, instead, is something kinda crazy. Instead, we often pair up with our polar opposite: the dismissive avoidant. Why? Because the relationship is characterized by the dismissive avoidant initially love bombing the anxious one. Flowers. Candy. Gifts. Words of affirmation. Acts of service. Intimate and warm touch. The typically anxious partner feels calm, knowing that they are in a state of reciprocated affection with their partner. Finally. For a while, things are good. But, then, when things get too comfortable or too close… the avoidant drops off. Goes radio silent or cold. Distant. Angry and accusatory. Maybe even starts fights for no reason. And, so, the anxious partner returns to that state of anxiety and becomes what the avoidant dubs “needy”.
The anxious partner may try to work things out for a while. And, ultimately they may leave, knowing things are not going to return to what they once were. This is smart. But, often, it does not last. The avoidant, who no longer has that stream of adoration and attention being beamed at them without reciprocation, begins to worry. Before, they could give no effort and know that you were there, waiting and thinking of them. Now, nothing. Thus, they return, tail between legs, roses in hand, and attempt to reignite the relationship. They may beg. They may apologize. If things seem more dire, they may even do the same level of love bombing they offered at the start of the relationship. Or if they think it will be easy (because you’ve taken them back before), they do less. They’ll make make minimal effort like a “hey“ or “yo“ text message late on a Friday night after a couple (packs of) beers. And, because we – the anxious type – are just as insecure as they are, we bite. And the cycle starts again.
So why do we, as the anxious attacher, do this?
Well, for several reasons.
ANGST IS FUEL
The truth is that obsessing becomes a habit in and of itself. We become accustomed to that chaotic feeling. Addicted, even. Perhaps the adrenalized feeling drives us to work harder to impress someone. Maybe it motivates us to stay fit for the person we want to impress. Maybe it inspires us to reach goals so that we have to seem perpetually worthy of their presence in our lives. It becomes a fuel we rely on. Think of how many “revenge body“ transformations you’ve seen. Contrarily, think of how many of us gain weight the second we get into a relationship where we feel loved, comfortable, and serene. Subconsciously, we may be seeking that power up. Deep, intense, anxiety can be a very powerful force when it comes to productivity of any kind. It’s not the only way to get there. But the brain tends to go with the easiest, most short-cutty route; regardless of how unhealthy it is.
(“Can’t… Run… Anymore… Noone… To… Obsess…About…”)
But, honestly, there’s an even more cringe reason we chase a runner…