NAC has been a lifesaver thus far for me.
My moods are more even. My obsessions are fewer. My outlook’s more realistic. (I’d say optimistic just because I tended to lean more depressive than manic so it is for me….) But, as with everything, it’s not without its cons. Like how – now that I’m not perpetually panicked about everything – I’m a little too relaxed about some things. For example, I used to rely on my anxiety to get everywhere on time. Never had to watch the clock because I’d just angst my way through my morning routine. Now that I’m calmer, I have to double check the clock to ensure I’m out at the right hour to make it to work, training, or any other commitments. I still arrive on time, but I just find myself having to check in because my internal anxiety voice (which sounds a lot like my mom giving me five minute interval countdowns back in high school) has fallen silent. (Not to wax back into the pro side, but I will say I not only make it on time, but I’m now actually earlier because I’m not obsessing over my hair or makeup anymore, which typically makes me late for dates with friends.) So, that’s one thing I have noticed.
It’s not so bad that I don’t care about making it on time.
I still care. I’m just a bit more… relaxed.
(“Well, Susan, you could always fire your top earner for being five minutes late one time in her career…”)
Similarly, that carries over into my workouts.
That anxiety and guilt about not doing enough used to fuel my crazy, obsession based workouts. “I’m not getting off this treadmill until I’ve burned exactly 500 calories!” was my old panic voice. Now, this weird (and initially unwelcome) voice of reason has come in, telling me that might be a bad idea, seeing as I had promised myself some strength training and Muay Thai later and that overdoing it may trigger an episode. So, I stop at an hour or half hour instead of my wild two. Again, it’s a con if you think you’ll miss your insane workouts. But, love those though I did, they were coming from a void as well. Now, I just balance. And my weight hasn’t changed – because the obsession to binge eat is gone too.
Then, as mentioned on the last page: alcohol. If you look forward to going out and throwing a few back, you may notice that you don’t enjoy it as much anymore. That took me a second to appreciate, mostly because I wasn’t expecting it and I ordered an uber to this fancy azz party two weekends ago where everyone was absolutely sloshed and having a blast. Cut to me, being boring, sober, and wondering who TF I even am anymore. It was like I was both disappointed and not. Why? Because the feeling I’d been seeking so long via alcohol (which alcohol never actually provided), I was now just feeling all the time. Again, I’ll keep drinking wine til the day I die. But, now, I’m happy with the limit they suggest instead of ending the night saying or doing dumb things I regret. Is it a con to enjoy alcohol less and life more? Maybe for some.
So I list it.
(I still nerd out about how it’s made, though…)
Finally, the NAC journey comes full circle to the man that precipitated it.
No, I don’t mean getting back together. I mean our former relationship and all the ghosts that come with that. Part of my worry about taking anything chemically altering, OTC or pharmaceutical, was the fear of regret. Once Neo saw reality, did he feel shame for how the fake world made him act? (No really, I don’t remember; it’s been ages since I watched part 1…) Stepping off that cliff was difficult. But, once I did, something interesting happened. Yes, I felt an initial cringe that my imbalance had led to this hyperfocused nonreality that affected everyone – not just him – around me. That said, the subsequent thought of, “I ruined our relationship and I wish I’d taken this earlier because we’d be happy together” never came.
Instead, I mentally rewound the tape to all the red flags I’d seen/ignored early on. (Not saying I was perfect; we have a multi part article outlining why I’m not.) And I thought about why I stayed when I saw all those things. Back then, I was insecure and unhappy. Being with him filled that void. I had said I was happy before we met – but I was only as happy as I’d ever been with bipolar (undiagnosed at the time). I didn’t know what it felt like to feel really secure. Didn’t even realize I had a problem. Now, through a new filter of vision, I realize that – had I felt like this back then – I may have ended things before they really took off. I feel secure enough now to establish and enforce boundaries. I feel secure enough to call out love bombing. I say things as they are. I just told a very attractive friend-zoned friend the other day that he’s very handsome and perfect on paper but I feel nothing for him, so I’d like him to respect that. Why didn’t I do that before? Because women (won’t admit it – they’ll just say “they want to be nice” but they) secretly like feeling as if they’re being chased when they’re insecure at their core. They need that validation. I don’t anymore. I feel a constant current of self affirmation as I am, without exernal back pats.
Amazing that the lack of that until now has always come from an imbalance.
Lack of confidence. Of eye contact. Of presence. All solved by a capsule.
It’s so strange that most people have lived in this mentality their whole life and I’m just getting here. It feels like I’ve been an alien in a human husk this whole time, trying to fit in. (Cue the Elon and Zuck memes.) And it makes me sad I’ve gone nearly four decades not knowing how to live in my own skin. Sure, I’m a little sore about needing to take something every day to maintain it. However, I try to reframe it to something more realistic. Nobody says you’re weak when you need insulin to survive. Nobody says you’re weak if you need an inhaler to breathe. Likewise, nobody should ever call you weak because you have to take something to regulate an actual imbalance, restore health to your interpersonal relationships, improve the quality of your hobbies, passions, and – most of all – relationship with yourself. Because now I wake up and always know who I’m getting.
Today. Tomorrow. An hour from now.
It’s nice to finally have consistency without side effects.
NAC not working for you? Read on for other herbals you might like….
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I love NAC, but please consult your doctor and research before taking!
I am not promoting this brand or anything else. Just sharing my story.
If you come up with a better brand you like, let me know in the comments.