By now, we’ve established two things:
Why a start date and replacement system are primary for quitting a fixation.
But what does identity have to do with it?
Whether or not you want to admit it, you have an identity.
Rather, your subconscious has a certain idea of who you are. It’s the “you” you’ve built out of habits, day after day, for years. And that can be good or bad. It’s good if that list of things has made for a happy you with healthy interpersonal relationships, financial security, and spiritual/psychological fulfillment. It’s bad if you’re miserable, addicted, and feeling perpetually depressed. And why’s that matter so much? Because, as any psychologist can tell you, identity is one of the most powerful factors motivating the human experience. It gives us some sort of certainty as we propel precariously around an aqueous rock in the vast vacuum of outer space. So, we cling to it. For better or for worse. And good luck trying to take that away from us once we’ve established it. You can see how it would be scary. If you’ve been “Steve the smoker” your whole life, and then you suddenly quit… who are you now? What if that’s all you had that brought you joy or that people knew about you? It seems like a silly example, but it’s sadly true. People need to have a profile about themselves.
Thus, once we quit something, we have to prepare to be reborn into a new identity. Prior to 2013, I was well ensconced in my obsession of choice. Making the leap felt like literal suicide. You’re jumping into an unknown without your only quilt of comfort to cover you. I spent the entire jump down, becoming my new me. Me the yogi. Me the runner. Me the mixed martial artist. Me the painter. The healer. The writer. The reader. The person who tries 30 days of new things every now and then. Me who shows up on time instead of always being late. Me who’s responsible. All of this not only rewired my brain for success and kept me busy when triggers might arise – but it helped generate a new identity altogether. One day at a time, I had to work on it.
And, seven years later, I’ve got a whole new identity.
(One that isn’t just a bunch of different fixations in the same suit…)
And that “one day at a time” is key. This also goes for replacing one trigger or ritual at a time. Re-associating the sight of alcohol or smell of smoke as “poisonous” or “disgusting” can be a helpful tool. The healthier you are in other facets of your life, the more this helps. Why? Because if you’re working on making the rest of your identity healthy, you’ll begin wanting to stay consistent with that new identity and suddenly see formerly attractive triggers as gross. Recognizing and replacing rituals is key as well. Maybe the only reason you used to get out of bed was for that chemical fix or plate of pancakes. Now it can be a healthy breakfast or a coffee with that one creamer you love. Perhaps bedtime used to be preceded with sativa. And now you replace that ritual with tea, melatonin, or any number of other supplements known to help calm an anxious brain.
Next on the list: accountability.
Some people tell family. Some tell a friend. Some get a whole support group. But if you tell someone you plan to quit something, you’re likely to feel more accountable and actually do it. Caveat: don’t spend too much time talking about it. There’s a weird psychological phenomenon where bragging about making a change and getting enough back-pats for wanting to change makes us not actually go through with doing it. Weird, I know. But it makes sense because, by then, we’ve already felt validated by people being proud of us, so there’s no longer a motivation to carry out the hard part. Let a small circle know. Don’t broadcast it. Do the hard stuff. And let your actual victory be validated months later – not your intentions. And finally: do it safely. If you’re making a big change involving health, see a doctor first for guidance and find a safe way to become a new and healthy you this 2022.
Best of luck, friends!