So, we know that with an off-and-on ex, we need a clean break.
We need to either date around, get new hobbies, or both.
We do not need to sit around and talk about them every day for all eternity.
(Not to mention – it’s annoying AF for anyone who has to listen…)
And that’s exactly what I had to do when it came to my pharmaceutical addiction.
Climbing out of that dark grave wasn’t easy though. It had to happen in phases. After all, I literally felt for years like these pills were an organ. Not something extra. Not just a missing link. Something missing since birth from my body. A part of me. That is, until… I tried coming off them. And that’s when I recognized them for the malevolent chemicals they were. After this thoroughgoing war to divorce my body from them, came my real healing. I went to anonymous meetings to vent about my “breakup” with these legal drugs. I “blocked them” by tapering off and flushing every last one I had and discharging myself from that doctor. (He got arrested for being a pill mill peddler, BTW…) I “dated other people” by working out, meditating, and journaling when the withdrawals hit and my whole body was shaking, sweating, and cold. I stopped “hanging out with his friends” by also cutting off and blocking the people who I knew could procure me more should I get desperate and ask. And, finally, I got my “revenge body” (and identity) by starting new hobbies that gave me a sleek physique. One that was more bright eyed and life loving.
Then came the internal work to mentally renovate.
I found that I started to shift my focus to (at the risk of sounding like a hippie) “higher vibe” content. It’s easy, if you identify as an addict, to start watching shows like “Single Drunk Female” (or whatever that Hulu one is called). And, maybe if your obsessive proclivities are being kept well at bay, it’s no biggie. But, if you find you’re on the fence about your identity, it may be less than healthy to cognitively consume this kinda material. We have to be very careful when it comes to our identity because it’s one of our most powerful motivators for what we do and how we act. And our identities rely on our mental diet. Yes, our brains have diets too. And what we feed them helps shape our filter for reality. (Also, you might just find low vibe shows triggering enough to want to use.) When I “broke up” with my drug o’ choice, it was all about redirecting.
I’d spent enough time on “him” and being “his girlfriend”. Why continue to waste any more mental energy, minutes, or emotional space thinking about that? The question was: who and how did I want to be now? Reflecting on the past wasn’t going to turn me into that person. I wanted to be the type to calm myself with meditation instead of medication. To let my medication be my healthy food choices. To do yoga and get out in nature. To heal people. To make beautiful art – with words and acrylic alike. So, that’s where I put all my energy. And that’s what I became. Ultimately, it was so good there that looking back never felt alluring. And now, going on nearly nine years (yes, almost a decade) since my breakup with the chemical “ex”, it’s never once been a temptation again. Even at parties where things are circulating – all I feel is disgust.
So, do I identify as an addict? To answer, I’ll say I identify as someone with addictive proclivities. I stay in touch with the “reality of my disease” via self awareness. I easily latch and obsess to people, places, things, and activities. But I know this about myself. And I recognize by now – quite quickly – how that looks, how that feels, when I’m doing it, and what I need to do to pump the brakes and find my way away. So, if you want to call that “being an addict”, that’s absolutely fine. However, I don’t give it any more energy than a medical condition. Do diabetics talk about needing insulin all day long? No. They just manage it when their sugar’s off. I do the same when triggers arise or I notice some sort of obsession rearing its ugly head. There’s no need to make it a major part of my identity to the point where that becomes the story I tell myself about myself every waking hour.
(Translation: “You is kind. You is smart. You is not going to snort drugs today…”)
Again, for some, step programs are a perfect fit. There’s no knocking that.
But, for me – doing the work to shift my mindset and outgrow a former addiction…
That feels better than any drug in the world.