My decision to take a daily pill to manage Bipolar II, wasn’t one I took lightly.
Initially, I’d been resistant to taking anything. I didn’t want pharmaceuticals. My history with them and crucible to come off them left me pretty messed up. And, for years, I didn’t take so much as Motrin. But, now, post breakup with the one-who-was-gonna-be-the-one, I was finally open to them. Only now – at my lowest low. So, I did my research. This one makes you fat, but has no other side effects. This one keeps you thin, but causes deadly rashes and balding. This one causes tremors. This one makes you commit self unaliving. (Did I sugarcoat that right for the snowflake population? Sure hope so.) In any case, I was finally doing this and I was doing it for me. Not a romantic partner. I was sick of living inside of this tortured marionette, puppeteered by my own imbalanced chemicals. I wanted to be happy. But did it have to come with such a high price tags? After going in circles, I finally took it back to the drawing board; I rewound the tape. Herbals had helped me quit opiates and benzos. (Ten years strong this fall, btw.) Maybe it was powerful enough to do the same here? So, I began a different type of research… An OTC one.
FINDNG NAC
NAC. N-acetyl cysteine.
Of all the remedies I have to cover, I’m so excited to write about this one.
So much, so that I don’t even know where to start.
This was a list topper on the “over the counter remedies” list:
NAC via the NOW brand.
And the effects… were damn near immediate.
But let’s backtrack for a moment to why I went OTC vs. RX…
WHY I TRIED NAC
So, what was wrong with pharamaceuticals? I dunno. I never took them. But I read reviews, testimonials, reports, and even joined an actual bipolar support group to hear real people talk about their experiences. (Highly suggest.) With Lamictal (a pharmaceutical), it allegedly takes weeks to work. NAC was overnight. With Lamictal, you stand to get hair loss. With NAC, your hair growth increases and hair fall decreases. With Lamictal (and Latuda – another option she asked me to try but I never did), neurological spasms can happen. NAC is actually used by neuro patients to calm tremors and the like. The list goes on and on about how – where meds fall short, NAC actually improves upon issues. So why isn’t it more known? Because they’re keeping their heads low to stay afloat. A while ago, people found out how beneficial this was, said it might benefit bipolar (and a host of other disorders) and Big Pharma got it taken off the market altogether for that. (They can’t take your money if you’re getting well on OTC pills) Now that it’s available again, they’re smart about it – saying, “Take it with your meds and it’ll help.’ THEY have to say that. I don’t. I can tell you right now that you have every right to try it all on its own. As a healthcare professional, I’ll also tell you it may not be enough and you may need meds as well. As a human woman who’s been on it now for a week and a half, I’ll also tell you – it may work alone.
Because it is for me.
WHAT IT IS
N Acetyl Csysteine is a “conditonally essential” amino acid which helps your body make the powerful antioxidant glutathione. As mentioned above, it (often) does everything from combatting OCD to minimizing neurological tremors to antiaging to … yes bipolar. And bipolar was listed as just one of the disorders that it can affect. After reading the reviews and testimonials (from actual users – like on support groups and reddit), I saw that some people fell asleep after taking a dose. In an effort to combat placebo effect, I decided to truly put it to the test and see if it could combat my worst sleep nights which were always followed by my worst mornings – the nights I train MMA. (Usually I have preworkout for Muay Thai or Jiu-Jitsu, come home full of adrenaline, toss and turn all night, and wake up cranky.) My whole day after that is just me, going through a fog, resenting life, obsessing about whatever latest thing’s on my mind, and seeing the world through a doom filter. (To be fair, that happens anyway often without training – so we can’t blame that.) A lot of my days are mostly that and waiting patiently for mania to hit so at least I can get high on my own supply for a while. But training nights are typically a sure trigger. So, I popped my NAC, lay down, and waited for the rotisserie tossing and turning to happen until 3 A.M.
Not this time.
HOW FIRST WEEK HAS GONE: PROS
On this rare night (two Thursdays ago – as I write this on a Sunday), I fell asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow. I woke up before the alarm, ready to go. And my day… was amazing. Okay, I thought. Perhaps it’s just a deep placebo effect. Or maybe I’m hitting my manic stride… But, as my week ensued – the lows remained at bay. And so did the excited highs. What sorcery was this? Suddenly, it was like I was “forgetting” to perform my unhealthy obsessive tendencies. They just seemed pointless and less appealing. Likewise, I wasn’t as worried about the other obsessive rituals I have that aren’t unhealthy – but will ruin my mental state/day if not performed. If I didn’t get to red light, training, or my full morning workout – it didn’t make me a resentful shrew all day.
It didn’t throw me off.
That whole feeling went deeper, though.
I suddenly felt very secure. Normally, I panic my way through a road trip, afraid I’ll miss a turn or something horrible will happen. Normally, if I’m in public, I’ll suddenly feel judged – like all eyes are on me in a negative way. (When this happens, I won’t wait in line for something I need or even go to the bathroom – because I feel like it’ll draw more attention.) If I don’t look perfect leaving the house, I’m anxious the whole time I’m out. (And can’t focus on anything we’re doing or talking about.) It sounds dumb, but that’s where I’ve been. But – just last weekend – I did a road trip without an issue. The hotel policy was that I couldn’t leave my dog in the room; but my new “we’ll figure it out” mentality helped me talk to the manager and get an excuse (because my dog’s awesome and quiet when I leave her in her cozy kennel). And, when I’m out now, I’ve been gifted a different filter. I call it “normal people confidence”. It’s not some big egoic show. It’s more of a ” I have just as much of a right to be here as everyone else” sort of feeling. This sudden security has allowed me to be more present too. Usually, I’m off in my own head, taking a magic carpet ride on my own insecurities and anxiously tuning back into the convo just in time to realize I haven’t heard a word you said. It’s awful. Now, I’m not worried about what’s happening next, how I look, or what you think of me. I’m just present in the interaction.
DO FEELING DISAPPEAR?
No. To be clear – I still have feelings.
I still feel sad or excited – but both have reduced in intensity. I don’t get overly amped about anything, but at the same time I don’t dread anything and I kinda “look forward” to everything I used to dread. I don’t mean that I’m psyched to do laundry or chores or errands. It’s just that I don’t really attach any miserable emotions to doing them anymore, so I don’t half azz anything or let it send me into a deflated depression. I remember once having to do a last minute cleaning for apartment inspection when I was going through a depressive episode. (They had corporate coming in to check for mold or whatever and I just had to tidy up some.) The thought of having to do an hour of work when my whole body felt like it had rigor mortis coursing through it caused a feeling that pain doesn’t describe. I sobbed the whole time I was scrubbing, sweeping, and vacuuming. Normal people don’t do that. Now, on the other side of the fence, happy and well adjusted, I see that. You don’t see it when it’s been your whole life, though. I just do what I need to do now. Bills. Groceries. Chores. Whatever. It’s like the resistance has been lifted.
There are so many things that I’m sure I’m missing from this “pros” list. But, here’s the thing. It’s like I whispered a wish into a single capsule I bought from Amazon – to be normal – then I went to bed with it and woke up with my wish granted. A different person. When that happens, there are so many little things that “normal people” take for granted that now feel so exciting to see in myself. One example is how – when I used to be tired, injured, sick, or somehow vulnerable – it would trigger a depressive, insecure episode where I’d push everyone away. I’d hide. Cancel plans. Isolate. Leave work early. Now, when I’m tired, hurt, or insecure, it doesn’t alter my motivation to do anything differently than I had intended for that day. The whole world doesn’t come to an end. It’s like I now know how to be comfortable (and sill function like a responsible adult) while being uncomfortable. Unheard of for me.
ALCOHOL
And, speaking of comfort – this next one may be the biggest: alcohol.
Now, I love my wine. I love the industry, the growing, the fermentation, the barrel room, the lingo, and the culture. I will never not love wine. However, with bipolar, you have to moderate. And I did moderate – but I only was moderating my days. By the time the weekend came, sometimes I’d overdo it. More than I should imbibe, but I’d justify that it was concentrated into one or two days. Add into that the insecurity of a relationship where you both have conditions to be managed, and it was just one weekly bomb going off after the other. Alcohol, in excess, can absolutely set off dysregulation in disorders and episodes for bipolar patients. Even after my breakup, long days of drinking with the girls were followed by miserable Mondays spent wondering “why do I feel this way?” and pretending not to know the answer because I had no intention of changing. As soon as I started NAC, something changed. I still enjoyed the taste of wine and the light effects of it – but I didn’t feel like drinking as much as I usually do. The void to fill was gone, so I was reaching for fewer sips. The obsessive FOMO of wanting a full flight to “try everything” was lifted. I was happy with a single glass and an early evening.
Situational awareness is better. Listening comprehension is better.
Outlook is better. Habits are better.
Everything is better.
Well, almost.
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Keep reading for the “cons” to taking NAC….