addiction over the counter

When I first got clean, my brain was desperate to escape itself.

From excess exercise to binge chewing while binge viewing, if it wasn’t alcohol or a drug, I was on it. In fact, in the absence of the true pharmaceuticals I craved, I chronically sought a pot of coffee out, daily, to cure my cognitive woes. (I’m talking the whole thing.) In fact, I still get that Pavlovian salivation response the second someone utters “Starbucks”. There’d be no work, “peopling”, or general productivity until caffeine happened. And, the moment my latte levels began to wane, I required more to remain compliant with staying on task. And I had to wonder… why? Why was this okay?

(Spoiler alert: it’s a question only we respectively know the answer to)

Well, because it’s legal, I reasoned. And that makes it okay, right? Yeah, there’s something in that that never quite rang right for me. If you step into any step meeting (AA, NA, GA – yes, “Gamer’s Anonymous” is a thing – further proving my point) you’ll hear that there’s always a potential for us addicts to use “people, places, and things”. Anything. We can let anything destroy us – from Ativan to Grand Theft Auto. (Like the ex I dated who flunked out’ve school thanks to video games #TakesOneToDateOne) Or, in my case, the fifth cup of coffee on New Years day that sent me into a panic attack so severe that it legitimately could’ve passed for a stroke or death by tetanus.

Yet, you walk into any Anonymous meeting, and what’s the first thing you smell?

Aside from fear and withdrawal sweats?

Freshly brewed coffee. That’s the first thing you smell.

In the beginning, I drank so much caffeine because it gave me a personality. A faux sense of zest for life. A reason to wake up. Fast forward to now, and I’ve got enough of that. I’ve put in the work. My cavalcade of habits are now my personality. So, what do I crave now? Man, I just want a way to calm down at night. So I call on cups of teas and other holistic over the counter remedies that are “okay because they’re legal”. However, deep down, I know that “legality” is irrelevant when it comes to the fiendish demon residing in my mind. I have to ask myself, am I ending the night too early when there are more things I need to do? Previously, I’d wear myself out with productivity. Now, that there’s a calm-down option awaiting me, is it my shortcut? Am I cognitively clocking out because subconsciously I just wanna avoid the duties that being a human requires? I ask myself all these things, from an objective level… and I react accordingly. The Sleepytime tea or Valerian root patiently waits until the studying’s all done. Or the laundry. Or the dishes. On the surface, it sounds like I’m a recovered addict. I mean, someone who can scale back and make that assessment clearly knows how to moderate, right? That means I could be someone who could extend that to the occasional glass of cabernet, right? And, while that might be true, it’s a game of Russian roulette I’m not willing to play. My over the counter anxiety extinguishers aren’t nearly as habit forming as the vat of vodka or viridescent pills I used to carry around like a Christian with a crucifix. What’s more, they don’t cloud my cognition heavily enough that I can’t zoom out and self analyze. Fine wines and pharmaceuticals, on the contrary, do. I mean when was the last time you heard of someone robbing the store for Hyland’s stress relieving tablets?

(“Gimme all your St. John’s Wort ‘n nobody gits hurt!”)

So, when someone asks me where I stand on stuff like CBD oil, I hafta ask – why are you asking? I’ll tell you why. You’re not asking for my sake. You don’t care what I do. And that’s good because you shouldn’t. You’re not me. What most want, when they ask this, is confirmation that it’s okay for them to take it themselves. And that’s okay, too. But – again – why? Do you want to take it to relieve anxiety? Is it for pain? CBD is relatively new in the over the counter world, so I couldn’t tell you how it’d effect you. Could you try something that’s been more researched to help you out? What’s more, could you find more intuitive ways to alleviate that pain? (And – more importantly – can you moderate it?) I’ll be honest. I saw CBD, and the first thing I thought of was “legal high”. One that’s not habit forming, to boot. But booting that thought’s exactly what I had to do. Especially when I remembered that one fact my sneaky cerebral demon’s always trying to let me forget:

I can turn anything into a drug.

It can be anything from the latest series I’m sucking through my pupils down to hot chocolate or an afternoon jog. If you bring any associated alleviation – however brief or natural – of mental pain, I can turn you into a drug. Add an unnatural high – something external – and it only adds an extra layer of pain when it comes to peeling that away from me. Now, I can’t say CBD does or doesn’t do this. One reason is because I haven’t tried it. Another is because I keep hearing conflicting reports. Some say it causes nada but body relief from arthritis or anxiety. Others say it feels like that first glass of wine. For me, the uncertainty’s enough to just stick with my certain “tea”. And even that I’m starting to scale back on. Ya know, just in case. (I just like to know I can take or leave my leaves.)

In the end, I’m not knocking the stuff. You’ve gotta do what’s right for you. But that’s exactly what I’m asking. Is it right for you? As addicts, we constantly have to play backseat driver to whatever aspect of ourselves is running our lives. We’ve gotta question and regulate anything external that makes us feel elated, approaching it with cautious optimism – no matter how “legal” it is. So, ask yourself: is there a more natural way to resolve whatever’s making you reach for CBD (or tea or stress tablets or coffee, for that matter) in the first place? Have you tried meditation or yoga? Are you getting enough exercise? Is your anxiety coming from unresolved issues you need to address? If you’re doing all of that and still think CBD might be just the supplement you could safely, occasionally take, then do some legit, evidence based research to see if it looks promising. And, if you decide to give it a try, watch your habits. Make an honest assessment about whether your behavior’s changing. Don’t just ask people who you believe will confirm your hopes that the answer for all your emotional woes lies outside your self. I promise that it doesn’t.

I’ve tried that life.

And I can honestly say, the kick I’m on now is kicking the other one’s arse.