advice

Only recently have I begun discussing addiction on online message boards.

And, not to be judgmental, but… everyone judges.

Hardcore.

“Your recovery’s a bit pitchy for me. Keep coming back, dawg.”
“Um…I like that you’re trying! Pick up a white keytag on your way out!”
“Not in a step program? Dreadful. It’s a no for me. NEXT.”

But, of all the stuff they judge, judging others’ recovery – might just take the sober-anniversary cake. Especially when it comes to AA or the other step programs. I’m not sure why, but people love to hate on the program. It’s free. It helps people. And for those it doesn’t, you can leave and find another way. After saying (repeatedly) that I dug some of the step program stuff, but not all of it, I was immediately attacked. And, almost never, it seemed like people could never give me either A.) their personal story about failure with AA or B.) what has worked for them. All I hear is this fabricated stat about “zero percent efficacy”.

(Seriously. At least make up a fail or success recovery story if you’re gonna lie.)

And – don’t get me wrong – the born again AA vultures on there started nipping at my comment carcass too. “Why you be cherry pickin’? It works if you work it!” And you know what? Everyone’s right. If it was a giant fail for the anti-anonymouser attacking me, then – yep – it doesn’t work. For him. And, if working the steps exactly worked for homegirl with an anime avatar (who was at a worrying level of worried about some stranger’s recovery), then it does work. For her.

Confused?

Don’t be. It’s simple. Addicts, while we have heaps in common, handle recovery differently. And that loaded term – “recovery” – is something whose success relies on your definition of it. Is staying clean crucial and does that come before everything else? Yes. But is that all there is to it? No. And that’s where you might differ with a given program. For me, personally, I’m not indefinitely disallowing myself contact with people, places, and things of my past. For the most part? Yes. That’s an optimal idea. But what I am also doing, is getting honest with myself. I go to those AA or NA rooms (because: free) to hear some free ideas that might resonate with me. But, instead of relying on that external voice solely to dictate my recovery, I supplement it with some meditation. Just to see how it settles. Because, once you let the noise of others’ advice and your own inner thought reel subside, something happens.

You hear the truth.

You glean what you need.

Example? Per my former sponsor’s suggestion, I shouldn’t’ve gone to a family gathering that had alcohol. Per my meditation session, however, I came to realize I could have the best of both worlds. It didn’t need to be a me-centric issue. All I had to do was tell my family my concerns, let them know I was amped to see them all, but also warned that if I needed to leave, it’s just ’cause the drinking was wearing on my “feelz”.

(Or, ya know, witnessing the typical emo-allergic runs-in-the-family reaction to too much wine, for that matter…)

All joking aside, that gave me a chance to do two things. First, it let me reinforce the importance of my recovery to both myself and them by saying it out loud. Second, it also gave me a chance to clear the air for both of us and be honest – instead of trying to pretend I was “fine” around wine the whole time.

Being humble enough to accept where you’re at’s a biggie in recovery.

Trying to explain this to either extreme, however, is tantamount to brick wall banter. And I’m just now becoming more understanding as to why. People want something black and white they can follow every day. They want it laid out for them by others. They don’t want to make the effort of letting go of thought and simmering in their inner wisdom for a while. Why? Because there are demons to be dealt with down there, too, sometimes. But those poor bastards don’t know what they’re missing, though. Because, if they did – if they just met those demons head on – they’d also understand that what they need may vary from day to day. Change is the nature of reality. And for me, that means that relying on a static system that never makes concessions (except with using, obviously) could make my success in recovery difficult.

(But, again, if it works for you – I’m not knocking it.)

And, deep down, I think people who pretend a system’s working when it isn’t know that’s true. And they hate accepting that fact. (Cognitive dissonance, I think they call that.) So, what do they do? They yell at you. They yell whether they like the program or loathe it. Why? Because people are desperate not only to have their values be accepted – but to push their value system on others – if and when they don’t have full faith in what they’re doing.

That’s just a telltale sign of their own failure. When something’s not enough for you – just you, you start trying to impose it. Because if you can make someone else believe it, then maybe – just maybe – that makes your belief more true to you. And that goes for whether you’re pro or con’ing a program. All I know is that people who believe something deeply, don’t need to get defensive on its behalf. And those who’ve found success another way? Well, they would be talking about their success with that – not focusing on how much they hate another program they didn’t like. Those whose faith is ultimate, don’t need to convince anyone because we’re convinced. And that’s sufficient. That’s where that meditation thing came in so handy for me. I know that when I sit in silence and sift out the bullshiz, calm will come. Sometimes immediate answers do, too. But even if they don’t, I’m relieved of that stressed state from which I typically end up making addict-brained decisions.

(Protip, you don’t need an ashram, special garb, oceanfront, or yoga mat to do it, either.)

It’s a bummer that something like AA doesn’t work for many. (Wouldn’t a blanket solution be great?) But, again, it’s awesome for the innumerable others it does help. If I’m being honest, I’ve seen both sides’ve the sober coin sitting in the rooms. So, so long as you’re focused on getting or staying clean and recovering – don’t beat yourself up for giving something an open-minded chance (I stuck it out 90 days) and still voting no on the program. You don’t have to let the pushy opinions of others affect yours. They’re just people. And if they’re imposing something on you (especially in AA or NA), then they’re failing at their own program by missing one of the main themes: attraction, not promotion. There are other options, my friend. Actively seek them out if you’ve got doubts after 90 days. The only thing I will say is this: I just wish people in any program were first and foremost taught the self – and situational – awarenes to think outside the box when what they’re doing isn’t working. And to ask themselves, “What can I change? What else do I need to do? Just because AA doesn’t feel like the right fit for me – does that mean nothing will?” And then seek out an appropriate alternative – versus returning to the chemical problem as a solution.

In sum?

I encourage meditation paired with giving a recovery program a solid try for 90 days.

And then? Regroup, see how it’s working for you, adjust as needed, and keep moving.

Best of luck, my aspiring reformed fiends.