emotional addiction

I got asked this question in my Quora feed today:

Why do I always think things like “Maybe if I stopped eating as much, they’d feel bad for me” and similar thoughts?

And, honestly, it reminded me so much of at least a few friends I know.

You know the ones. Life’s always against them. You offer solace and advice – and they take the solace but not the advice. They tell themselves (and you) that your solutions won’t work because of reasons they (made up but) vehemently believe in. It’s frustrating. Here, you’re tryn’a be nice and they’re just harshing your vibe in return. Why are they so damned self centered? Admittedly, this is just what I was starting to think… when I had to stop myself short. Because: duh. I’ve been there before. The emotional sniper hunting down people and prizing their pity from them. I’m still there, in morose mode, some days. (Not a good look.) This is addiction. Not the drugs. Not the alcohol. The detrimental behavior that manifests in all sorts’ve isolating ways, including perpetual emotional extortion. Thus, I did my best to remember how my own non-logic operates when I do the same… and then offer the asker some hope for how to change it. (Which also helps me inasmuch as it’s reinforcement for how not to act the fool.) If you find yourself secretly giving into this shameful sympathy siphoning practice too, then maybe you’ll get something outta my answer. Here it is:

You asked why you keep thinking these things.

Ah, I hear you, man.

See, I’ve had these kinds of thoughts too. Especially in my teen years. Why? Well, I tend to think it’s because it feels good to feel relevant. Acknowledged. Like you matter. Most people crave attention that makes them feel unique in some way. And that’s normal. It’s also normal, in our shizophrenic society (where cute cat videos sit a millimeter apart on our Facebook feeds from footage of fit-for-the-undernet level violence), to mistake pity as an appropriate way to get that attention. Also, you may have some underlying unresolved issues going on to compound that proclivity. The problem with having your buddies throw pity parties for you, though, is that that validation can’t last forever. They’ll say something nice to make you feel better, the connection will feel good, and then they’ll move on back to their positive lives.

Without you.

No matter how saintly they are.

“It’s been real, baby, but I gots to go spread the rest of my awesome elsewhere…”

Bummer, right?

The thing is – unlike seeking advice for a legit issue (and then fixing it) – getting perpetual pity in and of itself doesn’t feel good. Why? Well, there’s no sustainable resolution to it. You have to keep going back for more – like a drug – which means you’re using people. They’re not even people anymore. Just a ceaseless sea of ego appeasers. Which makes you even more disconnected from humanity. What you crave is that fleeting connection where the attention’s on you. Someone’s making you feel special. Once they stop, though, there you are – sad again because of A.) whatever initial thing was bothering you enough to seek pity in the first place, and B.) the feeling of loss because the dude or dudette in question’s no longer there making you feel better about yourself.

Pity-receiving breeds negativity because it’s a negative thing.

Sure, you’re getting the spotlight for a sec, but it’s coming from a sense of loss and longing and solipsistic thoughts. It’s easy validation. Not some success you’ve toiled to accomplish. However, there’s hope. It’s hard, but I promise – it’s worth it. First, you can build your own sense of affirmation by doing self-affirming things. Daily exercise. Trying a new sport. Learning a new language. Taking a class. All those things content, well-rounded people who never seem to seek pity are doing. Just start small. This isn’t a competition against anyone – except who it is you’ve been up ’til now.

(Make yourself work for that “winner” feeling at least once a day.)

And speaking of those people worth emulating, let’s swing that spotlight over to the human who was kind enough to help you out. The person who seemingly has their shiz together enough to offer you their ear – or shoulder to cry on. The person who’s offering you positive vibes and high hopes and then returning to their lives after you chat. Would you rather be that sort of person? Or how you are right now? Before you say that you could never be the gleeful type, don’t fret. You don’t have to. All you need to be is okay. Sometimes happy. Sometimes sad. But always able to deal with either. In other words: a better version of yourself. And you know what? Really, that other person we’re talking about… is just like you. They have their own life issues. Their own insecurities. Their own times when they need a helping hand or to call on a friend. But you wanna know what sets them apart? How they choose to respond to those feelings. We all can can choose. If they call a friend, they likely listen to the solution being offered, internalize it, and act on it. (Versus just getting the emotional fix without fixing the issue itself.) That’s the hard part for many. Because if you fix the true problem, you can’t get the pity induced high anymore. Which means you have to start working from within to get your kicks. Which means giving up the emotional welfare check from external sources. You don’t have to feel ashamed that you’ve been doing this. You probably didn’t even realize you were. Just know that feeding into this way’s not serving you anymore. Know that something far better awaits you if you can find the willingness to change.

And you wanna know the other thing that sets these guys apart?

It’s the fact that they’re in on this little secret.

A game changer.

Something as simple in theory as it is tough to do.

Something that-…

Alright, alright.

Here it is:

These people know that by redirecting the focus off themselves – and onto helping someone else – that they can potentially help both the receiver and themselves. (After all, that’s what they did with you, isn’t it?) They feel good because it’s nice break from the exhaustion of constantly focusing on themselves and they feel worthy and relevant – the moment you say “thank you for letting me vent” or “I appreciate your advice”. A little gratitude’s very validating. And that right there’s a legitimate, symbiotic connection. One that’s positive. One that lasts. And one that elevates them through the day so that they don’t need to do things like seek out the next fleeting sympathy fix.

I appreciate that you asked why you think these thoughts – not how to change.

But I can’t help but think you asked why because it’s bothering you.

Which means you probably do want these thoughts to go away.

The good news is that’s totally possible. The less easy to hear news, is that you need to meet that change halfway. If you wanna modify your thoughts – to feel good – then I’ve got a little challenge for you. You up for it? Yes? Oh, good. First: Do something self-affirming every day this month. Whether it’s going for a run, joining a dojo, meditation, working on an art project, whatever – do something on the daily that makes you feel accomplished and kinda bad azz.

Second thing? Seek someone out to ask about their day. Then (and this part’s important) listen closely when they talk. Find a detail about what they say – and then use it to ask a follow up question. Be interested – even if you’re not. (Yes, you read that right.) And if they seem kinda bummed out, then try relating to them and expressing empathy. This means that you can put all your insecure feelings that were formerly launching parties o’ pity to use – by sharing how you’re going through it too. Sometimes it’s helpful for others to hear they’re not alone. Just take care not to turn it into a conversation about you. Because this isn’t about wallowing – for either’ve you. In fact, when you tell your tale of woe, hope should be on its heels. That’s where you get to share how you got yourself unstuck from a rut. What you do when you feel the same way to feel good about yourself again. And then, if they’re wise, they’ll internalize it and follow suit eventually. And you? You’ll feel great knowing your savvy gained from self affirmation served a purpose. Indeed, the first time I learned that the antidote to insecurity was setting my selfishness aside was a total mindblow for me.

“WHY THE FLUFF AM I ONLY LEARNING THIS NOW?!”

TLDR; I’ll tell you: try this for a month, and it’ll change your world. If you build a basic foundation of self-affirmation and worthiness first, then you’ll feel worthwhile enough to be a better attention giver. And when you learn to be a better attention giver, it’ll change your life forever. Everyone’ll love you for it. And, in turn, you’ll feel so good, you won’t want people to feel bad for you anymore.

You won’t want anyone to feel bad at all.

You’ll just want to keep spreading these epic vibes you’re giving off.

Best of luck, friend.