relationships and addiction

Maybe you’ve seen the ad surfacing every so often.

There’s a picture of a lovely, Bohemian looking brunette, laughing alongside a Matthew Hussey looking gentlemen. They’re at a party. The lighting looks like something out of a Netflix series catered to millennials, with its warm and orangey lighting. They’re smiling. Body language is open. And, of course, they’re holding beers. Then, below, the photo? Below’s the statement that “couples who drink together are happier together”. Wow. What an advertisement, am I right? Happier than who? The happy sober (or half sober) couple now questioning whether their perceived contentment was wrong all along? Laughable, when you hear it out loud, isn’t it?

(Takeaway: “Suck down that Sammy Smith or prepare for a lonely and cold trek toward your casket, solo!”)

It’s funny.

We scroll through ads like these, thinking they aren’t affecting us. But, as I actually heard a peer who’d recently flailed herself off fallen off the wagon mask her excuse with humor (saying, “Couples who get drunk together are happier – science says so!”), I couldn’t help but recall this post. That’s the issue with our quick feed scrolling culture. We read the headline. We don’t bother to research the details. But I did. And what’s the surrounding context that everyone’s missing?

That, yes, couples who drink together are happier.

That is – couples who drink in moderation together are happier. That also is – couples who drink in moderation and who don’t have any behavioral or psychological issues (like, say, addiction) surrounding alcohol are happier together. Per the actual article itself (and the study, if you bother to look at it), heavy drinkers were excluded from this study. So were those with any addictive proclivities.
What’s more, the study swings the opposite way, as well – showing that it’s more to do with solidarity than anything. Yes, if one person drinks, both will be happier if each drink. However, if one person doesn’t drink, they’ll be just as happy together sans swilling down any joy juice. It’s a matter of the impact one has on the other. Let’s not also forget that this study was performed amongst married folks. That means two things. The first is that, when you’ve been together for over three decades (as the subjects in this study were), you tend to do similar stuff. Hell, you may even do that now in your current relationship. Just think of the age old argument about where you’re gonna eat for dinner.

(Why not just order from different places?)

I notice this a lot. When we’re with our partners, we don’t want to eat alone. We don’t want to be watching a show alone while the other’s on their phone. We want that sense of communion and camaraderie, or else we feel distant from them. Then, there’s the other aspect to the marriage. Ever heard of a little something called confirmation bias? Once you’ve committed to a decision and you’re locked in (as transpires after the ol’ ball ‘n chain ritual beautiful exchanging of vows), you have to convince yourself you’re okay with that decision. For decades to come. It’s gonna be a long ride to the grave, so you’ll either lie and say you’re happy about it or try to get closer to them by doing whatever it is that they do. Like, drink.

We like to believe that opposites attract. And, in some respects, that’s true. If you’re an introverted type on the Meyers-Briggs, maybe an extrovert will ground you or bring you out of your shell. If you like science, maybe a hippie painter type can open the right side of your brain up. If you like adrenalinizing sports and your lover does yoga, maybe you can teach each other the joy of different things. However, trying new things requires a level of effort. The way we relate and build rapport is by what we have in common. So, at least some of the stuff we’re doing when we’re together should definitely be a common interest or a shared activity – whether it’s enjoying a beer, meal, or movie together.

So, where does that leave you?

Keep reading to find out…