self doubt

Sometimes, it’s tough to answer the inquiry “Why do we use?”

And while I’ve always had a smorgasboard of responses that’re all equally honest – one of my single biggest motivators was always… insecurity. It’s the reason I needed to pre-game before the party. It’s the reason I couldn’t wait to get seated at family dinner before ordering a drink. It’s the reason that my day wouldn’t happen without at least half a Valium on board. Hell, if I’m being honest, it’s likely still the reason I’m willing to sit in the Starbucks drive through to get an overpriced cup of caffeinated froth.

“My whole personality sits in this cup!”

It makes sense, though, right?

If we enlist the help of chemicals to feel better – to feel safe and secure – then, by default, we mustn’t’ve been feeling very secure or safe in the first place, yes? I drank and ate pills because it offered a sudden self-doubt drought within fifteen minutes of waking to a hurricane of insecurities. (“I’ve gained five pounds… I’m no good at my job…. I’m awkward socially.”) And I’ll give it to them – drugs offered me the the sweet reprieve from all these thoughts or caring about what they meant. Only problem was that they didn’t merely Dyson up my insecurity – they also sucked up any level of sustainable functionality. I had just enough energy for high priority tasks, but when the massive crash came (as always it does), I was even more insecure with even more issues to worry about. (’cause I’d not gotten any of the other mandatory tasks done). It was a liar. Sure, the Pinot Noir and pills told me not to worry about my superficial insecurities (good advice). But they also told me not to worry about getting my car checked out or body taken care of. Categorically bad advice – seeing as both subsequently started to fall apart. You can’t have it all when it comes to chemicals.So, without tossing the responsibility fledgling out with the bird bath, how do we get over insecurities?

The superficial ones?

Like your crazy, curly hair? Your high hips? That slight lisp you have? Your awkwardness? As much as I hate having to look to celebrities for the green light on what’s okay, I’m going to employ a couple just to prove a point. Let’s take Kate Hudson’s unruly mophead for example. She’s so lovable because her persona is. Higher Power only knows if she’s like that in reality – but I bet you can think of at least one other eccentric person you know who’s absolutely enigmatic – not because she’s a ten – but because of who she is. Or how about another Kate – Kate Upton? Her physique’s so far from the typical form you see grace the paces of Sports Illustrated. But you don’t see her being insecure about it. Quite the contrary. You know what I do see, though? Total doppelgangers who carry themselves poorly because they’re down about not matching some Platonic ideal. What about Drew Barrymore’s endearing lisp? I fall in love every time. Or Michael Cera’s awkwardness? Stallone’s slur? Walken’s strange cadence when speaking? Own whatever unique thing you’ve got, and it goes from drawback to selling factor. And that’s what it comes down to. Because, as I said, this isn’t about idealizing these celebrities so much as drawing a familiar example. Those around us we’re in awe of don’t have anything more than you or I. They’re just a few e-steam releases away from feeling as deflated as we do on our worst day. (And believe me, they have them.) But they embrace what some might say are “flaws”, until they’re a trademark.

And that’s one of three things that’ve helped flip my own insecurities.

First, though, we’ll backtrack for a sec to number one: and that’s keeping around high vibe people (who aren’t likely to poke fun at you and thus foster your insecurities). And second? What all those aforementioned celebs do: embrace those flaws head on and out loud. I do this second one at work all the time – where we all bust eachother’s chops, constantly. And while it’s all in good fun, every once in a while, someone will say something that cuts to the intrinsic quick. What do I do? Try my best to just own it. (“Yes… my hair’s like straw ’cause I bleached it like a crime scene last summer.”) You get people laughing or realizing their jabs have no power over you, and you disarm them. You disarm them, and they have no weapon to prod at your insecurity wounds. And then the whole game changes.

Often, it’s not about fixing the thing you’re insecure about – so much as making it not a problem in the first place. Which is why that former thing – keeping around non-negative people most of the time – is so terribly important. Because if you’re already insecure, consorting with the sort’ve folk who worsen that self-doubt will only confirm that fallacy of thinking. It reinforces the lie that is your insecurity. Granted, we don’t often get to choose who we expose ourselves to. There’s no buffet for coworkers and family member options. Which is why it’s so crucial to to keep a high vibe tribe in your off time. It’s fantastic self-security training for when you hafta head into a pool of unpredictable personalities – all of which harbor innumerable insecurities of their own, and only prod at yours to distract themselves from theirs.

And that’s the third thing that’s worked so well for me:

Remembering that insecurity is a liar.

Don’t get me wrong. Whatever you’re doubting might be totally legit. Your weight. Your face shape. Whatever. But the idea that you’re not good enough because of it? Not so much. Who aren’t you good enough for? A bunch of strangers whose opinions carry no weight in your life? A group of people who don’t define you? Might you be wrong about the value of their outlook? Or – what their outlook even is, for that matter? When it comes to superficial insecurity, the biggest thing I’ve realized is this: half my hangups are no more than a mistaken assumption. A mistaken assumption about what? The notion that others won’t like something about me – just ’cause I don’t. For years, like anyone else, I’ve felt self-conscious about all my little ticks – the way I walk, or the way I stick my tongue between my teeth when I’m amused, or how I talk. It wasn’t until getting deep in touch with myself through recovery that I embraced all of that (plus a bunch’ve others I’m still working on). I cuddled with my hangups long enough to mock myself along with my coworkers for being a loudmouth. Or to let a guy into my life long enough to accept that he adored all I abhorred formerly about myself. Or have someone actually admire my wiggle walk instead’ve tease me for it. But the spiritual dessert doesn’t come from that validation. The validation’s just a nice reminder that insecurity is a liar. And that whatever is causing it – is to be faced head on. That way, once you do, you can decide whether it’s something that needs refinishing (like losing weight to improve your health)… or merely an authentic part of your “you-museum” to keep polished and pristine for whoever’s worth letting near it next.

That’s the idea behind the last line in the serenity prayer, after all.

And we only win that wisdom to know the difference by keeping clean, a day at a time.