shadow self

Newly sober, you might feel compelled to be upbeat.

“I’m better now! Everything’s amazing!
My life’s like one of those warm, orangey filtered drug commercials!
Wait… is that a chemtrail or a rainbow behind me?”

And, I’ve gotta say. I’m guilty of this myself sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean a lot. Because often, that’s all your public needs to see. Or wants to see. At work, your clients or patients don’t like to see you complaining. On social media, nobody’s a fan of the chronic poster who sounds like they’re status updating supine from a Freudian sofa. But, that begs the question: if we better managed all the underlying trauma causing the drama and scowls, would we need to fake like we’re fantastic? For our companions? Our colleagues? Our selves – until we start acting out again?

The answer, according to many, is no. We wouldn’t hafta rock a facade if we just did the work. We’ve all – addicts or not – got problems we don’t wanna deal with. But, particularly after a life of active addiction, there’re gonna be a lot of wounds that need healing. This is often why step programs or meeting up with a counselor prove fruitful. They summon the demons to the surface. Then, you, using your willingness and openness sorcery, can spell-cast them into benign little lambs. And then go about your day. That hard part’s starting at all. It may not feel good remembering the horrible things you’ve either done or undergone in the past. The mere thought of saying painful stuff out loud is uncomfortable because it may not jibe with your present, false, view of things. Even though you know it’ll ultimately improve your life to do so. But ya know what’s even worse? Shoveling dirt over those problem zombies tryn’a claw their way to the cognitive surface. Keep them down there, and they just start eating your soul from the inside out while you rock your removable potato head smile for your friends ‘n fam – who may very well be reading about you in the obits by the end of the week if you don’t get your shiz together.

Sound grim? Well, it’s reality.

And that’s what people who talk about “The Shadow Self” want to shine some light on: our “darkness”.

The problem, they propose, is that a lot of new age spirituality is excessively feel-good, pushing a positive mindset and encouraging positive affirmations. And while I’m all for that overactive happiness stuff (when it’s needed – to get us out of an unnecessarily negative slump), I also get what these shadow folk are talking about. We can’t live like ostriches. Sure, most of us obviously wanna dwell in that happy, feel-good, light. Duh, it feels good. And we’re addicts. We like feeling euphoric because it mitigates the pain we’re unwilling to fix ourselve. And that’s why it’s super easy to forget (or, for some of us newer to spirituality, it’s just tough to realize at all) that a monumental part of strengthening that happy, higher side of our selves… is by tending to those less admirable aspects of life too. Whether they’re defects we’ve got, health issues, unforseen catastrophes, an ugly past, whatever – you’ve gotta ask yourself: “when was the last time that ignoring an issue ever made it go away? Or made me feel more complete?”

The interesting flipside to this is that – just because we’re journeying into shadow land, doesn’t mean we take an extended holiday over there. It’s a quick trip for the sake of repairing whatever’s broken. Does a plumber come over to your home and lament with you about your dysfunctional crapper? No. He fixes it – and leaves. For some reason, we’ve got trouble doing that with our own intrinsic facilities’ functions that’ve gone awry. Why? ’cause our “feels” get all attached to it. (As addicts, we’re especially prone to going on benders with our own emotions.) We take it personally. We believe it defines us somehow. Like it’s some indelible bit of our identity. That’s what makes it so easy to forget you can work toward solutions without wallowing in the problem itself. (Or emotionally attaching to it till you descend down a spiral that culminates in copious cake eating and other miscellaneous acts of self-loathery ’cause you’re depressed.)

Thus, our perpetual task’s to find the balance between the “light and dark”.

To reside on that line betwixt the two so that we can hop over to either side as needed – as reality dictates. Ignoring our shadows or wallowing in ’em alike merely feeds them. If you knew a murderer was hiding in the corner of your room, would crying about it stop him from killing you? How about just pretending he wasn’t there? Or she? In case that chick from my women’s group is reading this and chastising me from across town?

“I totes see you, lol. Going to bed now. Plz don’t kill me and make a skinsuit outta me ‘n stuff, thx.”

We can’t harness our “darkness” if we don’t acknowledge it and then try to work toward a solution. And we might also be less willing to to harness our “darkness” (note the quotes) if we use terms like “darkness” that’ve got a negative connotation to it. And, no, my hippie-haters, that’s not me trying to hitch a positive vibe to this piece. Just being realistic. And realistically, denial’s powerful when we already wanna avoid something – like self work.

Thus it’s better to remember that shadow work doesn’t hafta be so daunting. Or negative. It’s just a thing that’s there to be tinkered with, like a faulty car part. For me, personally, I prefer to think of it as a puzzle. A riddle. A riddle that will rid you of some’a that brain fog, guilt, depression, or other unpleasant emotions that you’re finally ready to jettison from your head. And how do you even get there? As mentioned above, maybe head to a meeting (thos’re free.) Maybe hop online and hit up a fellow ex-drinker or reformed junkie. Or, mayhaps call and schedule a sesh with a profesh to help exorcise your cerebral closet of its problem monsters.

And what if none’a those options are available as you delve into your brain’s cave?

Then, do what I (try but often fail) to do when I’m flying solo; try to remember the most important question of all you’d ask when SHTF: What’s the solution here? And then: what can I do to improve this problem? That’s crucial. You being part’ve the solution. Just remembering that I have the power to tame that menagerie of malevolent creatures clogging up my neuron pasta is pretty empowering. Even if it’s by merely tweaking my own outlook of them, reminding myself of that puts me halfway back on track to serenity before I even get started. Then, the other half is, ya know, actually starting to fix it.

In sum, our positivity garden’s fostered by fertilizer from the dark side’s shiz.

Shiz we’ve either fixed… or are trying our hardest to manage.

So, happy shadow-tilling, my recovering light lovers who used to get lit!