There were so many snarky things I wanted to say out loud when I first came to my first meeting.
“Why’s this d-bag preaching directly at me during his share?”
“If it’s not religious – why do you anthropomorphize a maybe genderless God and call it a ‘he’?”
And, best of all:
“Why ‘JUST for today’?”
Just for today? Just for today?! What? So I’m not meant to have a five year plan? I just wade through life like a hippie and pretend like it’s all gonna work out? Of course, at the time I was just arguing for the side in a battle I wasn’t even technically part of yet. I still had to get off meds. I still had to get my back problems sorted out. I still had to go through the ninth ring of hell that is prolonged benzo withdrawal before I could even consider a steady gig, much less career. But – wait, wait, wait… Let’s backtrack and be honest here. I had to be able to even do my own (and this is all very embarrassing, so bear with me here) grocery shopping and leave my own home without having an agoraphobia induced panic attack first. So, obviously, these snide House of Cards style asides I was having with my imaginary audience in the meeting rooms were all just my ego launching caustic, defensive phrases as the honesty I was receiving via a miscellany of human vessels was trying its best to compassionately assassinate it.
Yes, we make plans. Yes, we have a future. But the idea, I suppose, was that – when we’re in the throes of psychogenic sanity rape – we’re meant to press the pause button and remember keep in the moment. Not obsessively regret about what a bumbling fool you were yesterday. Not agonize over tomorrow’s work presentation. How do you get through this moment? The one happening right now? Scientific American’s take on staying present draws on a wealth of folk who’ve benefited from mindfulness and present-focus, which is the essence of “Just For Today”:
Originally an ancient Buddhist meditation technique, in recent years mindfulness has evolved into a range of secular therapies and courses, most of them focused on being aware of the present moment and simply noticing feelings and thoughts as they come and go. It’s been accepted as a useful therapy for anxiety and depression for around a decade, and mindfulness websites like GetSomeHeadSpace.com are attracting millions of subscribers. It’s being explored by schools, pro sports teams and military units to enhance performance, and is showing promise as a way of helping sufferers of chronic pain, addiction and tinnitus, too. There is even some evidence that mindfulness can help with the symptoms of certain physical conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, cancer, and HIV.
Everything from addiction to a faulty fecal factory? Why not give that a try? Sometimes a concept like “Just for today” can seem too long. And taking aside a present-focused moment can help your fragmented thoughts come together enough to cope your way through the angst about it. Then, you can remember things like how if you want to use, maybe you call your sponsor. Or if you’re hyperventilating, maybe you remember some of that rhythmic breathing stuff that lady you met at the G street meeting taught you two weeks ago. Once you’ve taken that mindful intermission and calmed down, frequently the answers on how to cope this moment and get through today reveal themselves to you. In other instances, a little extra help’s still needed. When I’m going through that (which is still more often than I’d like), sometimes I just siphon the anxiety in my head onto paper – which is one form of mindfulness. (And others the dishware gets embedded in the wall #notadvisingthissolution.) Other episodes culminate in my having to call whatever unlucky buddy I think of first and confide in them my plethora of first world woes so they can drag me back to reality and remind me of how preposterous I’m being.
(And I thank you for it.)
But none of that can happen before I get outta my thought cycles and back into the now.
“Great, so why ‘just for today, though’?”
Because today is all we have. It goes hand in hand with another idiom of “Keep going”. If we wanna get technical, “right now” is all we have. Both mantras – about being totally present – are helpful. But it seems like there’s something about a 24 hour increment of time before I power down on a pillow again that generates a real sense of accomplishment by the time I survive it. It’s just enough of a goal to reach without overwhelming myself. Which is why I guess they stick with the “day” increment. Carry on, though, and one day you’ll look down the rock cliff you’ve scaled and realize you’re not surviving anymore. You’re thriving. But you know from experience that you won’t be if you pause your inner work for too long.
So, keep going. Just for today.