step program

WTF do you mean “I’m at fault”?

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In the midst of a (friendly on my part) debate about the step program, I was asked:

“How is saying ‘we’re invariably at fault’ not psychological abuse?”

And, to be honest, I had to pause for a moment.

And see if that was even something I wanted to defend.

Because, for me, the step program’s been super helpful as far as serving (in part) as a basis for my recovery. That said, I don’t accept all of it. And that’s fine with me. My recovery’s mine and it’s been working beautifully for years. (Even in the midst of 2016 prematurely winning the “worse-year-since-benzo-detox” award). So, after thinking about it, I admitted to my sorta sardonic conversationalist, “Yeah, I can see how that sounds kinda callous.” I mean, after all, we have genetic tendencies, some of us. Or the emotional turmoil led us there.

So, yeah.

What’s happened to you? Not your fault.

But, when you think about it, is it really abusive for you or I to accept accountability for any of our adult behavior? Now, I mean? Shouldn’t we accept it? I’m not a drug puppet. No one’s pulling my strings unless I let them. I mean, sure, my emotional response to past events or people induced a feeling where I thereafter wanted to use. Absolutely. But if that bad stuff already happened – it’s over; it’s not happening now. So, why keep using it as an excuse to use now? What’s that do? What does blaming my parents, rapist, society, anything – on my bad habits do for me now? Does it change what happened to me? Not so far. Does polluting my flesh vessel with chemicals? Nope. Does either fix what happened to me? Not as of yet.

And how about the “genetic” defense?

Well, if I know that’s a tendency, I should’ve kinda known better than to pick up. Even if it’s “not fair” that everyone else is normal and can manage their elixirs, there’s no appeal system to reality. You must just accept it or suffer. And how about if I didn’t know I had a hereditary tendency? Then it was still my choice to say, “Heh. Look at that. I can’t seem to manage my libations the way my buddies do. Buuut it takes my mind off my mind. And it’s easier than seeking help. So, even though I’ve punched a dude in the face and been invited to spend the evening with the law authorities… I’mma keep drinking anyway.” There’s no shame in accepting that accountability. In fact, there’s freedom in it. Freedom from the prison of old thinking that doesn’t serve me. It allows me to move on and reinforce how important it is not to carry on like that any longer. No matter how naturally it comes. I must learn another way to be.


(Don’t leave it *or* hide in that mug, buddy.
Hit the recovery dojo, train your brain biceps, cut some “victimhood” weight, get back in the reality ring, and… beat that motherfluffer *back*.)

It’s also a reminder that I can’t alter reality – or the past.

All I can alter is my own behavior.

Now.

Right now, I can choose not to employ something that’s the opposite of a solution. I can choose to in lieu seek guidance, self-help, whatever I need – even if it’s not in a step program. Noggin numbing doesn’t fix historical issues that continue accosting our subconscious minds. Seeking a reality based solution does. (Again, even if it’s not a step program.) When I don’t choose that – that’s my fault. And so is all of the subsequent behavior that goes along with the altered mindset that follows that choice. Rage episodes. Neglected relationships. Late arrivals to work. Nasty moods. That’s on me, my dude. Which means that the only “psychological abuse” I’ve suffered since my choice to pick up is of the self inflicted variety.

AKA a cognitive cocktail called “denial with a spritz of buck-passing”.

And that’s a drink even folks with lotsa clean time still hafta put down daily.

Why “Just for Today”?

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There were so many snarky things I wanted to say out loud when I first came to my first meeting.

“Why’s this d-bag preaching directly at me during his share?”

“If it’s not religious – why do you anthropomorphize a maybe genderless God and call it a ‘he’?”

And, best of all:

“Why ‘JUST for today’?”

Just for today? Just for today?! What? So I’m not meant to have a five year plan? I just wade through life like a hippie and pretend like it’s all gonna work out? Of course, at the time I was just arguing for the side in a battle I wasn’t even technically part of yet. I still had to get off meds. I still had to get my back problems sorted out. I still had to go through the ninth ring of hell that is prolonged benzo withdrawal before I could even consider a steady gig, much less career. But – wait, wait, wait… Let’s backtrack and be honest here. I had to be able to even do my own (and this is all very embarrassing, so bear with me here) grocery shopping and leave my own home without having an agoraphobia induced panic attack first. So, obviously, these snide House of Cards style asides I was having with my imaginary audience in the meeting rooms were all just my ego launching caustic, defensive phrases as the honesty I was receiving via a miscellany of human vessels was trying its best to compassionately assassinate it.

Yes, we make plans. Yes, we have a future. But the idea, I suppose, was that – when we’re in the throes of psychogenic sanity rape – we’re meant to press the pause button and remember keep in the moment. Not obsessively regret about what a bumbling fool you were yesterday. Not agonize over tomorrow’s work presentation. How do you get through this moment? The one happening right now? Scientific American’s take on staying present draws on a wealth of folk who’ve benefited from mindfulness and present-focus, which is the essence of “Just For Today”:

Originally an ancient Buddhist meditation technique, in recent years mindfulness has evolved into a range of secular therapies and courses, most of them focused on being aware of the present moment and simply noticing feelings and thoughts as they come and go. It’s been accepted as a useful therapy for anxiety and depression for around a decade, and mindfulness websites like GetSomeHeadSpace.com are attracting millions of subscribers. It’s being explored by schools, pro sports teams and military units to enhance performance, and is showing promise as a way of helping sufferers of chronic pain, addiction and tinnitus, too. There is even some evidence that mindfulness can help with the symptoms of certain physical conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, cancer, and HIV.

Everything from addiction to a faulty fecal factory? Why not give that a try? Sometimes a concept like “Just for today” can seem too long. And taking aside a present-focused moment can help your fragmented thoughts come together enough to cope your way through the angst about it. Then, you can remember things like how if you want to use, maybe you call your sponsor. Or if you’re hyperventilating, maybe you remember some of that rhythmic breathing stuff that lady you met at the G street meeting taught you two weeks ago. Once you’ve taken that mindful intermission and calmed down, frequently the answers on how to cope this moment and get through today reveal themselves to you. In other instances, a little extra help’s still needed. When I’m going through that (which is still more often than I’d like), sometimes I just siphon the anxiety in my head onto paper – which is one form of mindfulness. (And others the dishware gets embedded in the wall #notadvisingthissolution.) Other episodes culminate in my having to call whatever unlucky buddy I think of first and confide in them my plethora of first world woes so they can drag me back to reality and remind me of how preposterous I’m being.


(And I thank you for it.)

But none of that can happen before I get outta my thought cycles and back into the now.

“Great, so why ‘just for today, though’?”

Because today is all we have. It goes hand in hand with another idiom of “Keep going”. If we wanna get technical, “right now” is all we have. Both mantras – about being totally present – are helpful. But it seems like there’s something about a 24 hour increment of time before I power down on a pillow again that generates a real sense of accomplishment by the time I survive it. It’s just enough of a goal to reach without overwhelming myself. Which is why I guess they stick with the “day” increment. Carry on, though, and one day you’ll look down the rock cliff you’ve scaled and realize you’re not surviving anymore. You’re thriving. But you know from experience that you won’t be if you pause your inner work for too long.

So, keep going. Just for today.