I talk a lot about spirituality in recovery on here.
But, if I’m being honest, blind faith wouldn’t have been enough to keep me clean in early recovery. Don’t get me wrong. I love the step programs. It’s just that, as someone with a bio degree, I can’t help but ask why about everything. And I had a helluva lotta “why’s” coming into the rooms. Ones about why the program worked (which some TED talks shone a more scientific light on). Ones about how imitating a potato for twenty minutes (meditation) can possibly help. (Which documentaries explained – showing how a practice can physically alter the brain to help heal addictions.) But the biggest one no one seemed able to answer was…why am I here?
Why do I have this issue of fixation – and most I know don’t?
And that was the biggest thing nobody seemed to talk about. I don’t mean the “what happened to you when you were little” stuff, either. Clearly, certain events can set the eight ball in motion early on. No. What I wanted to know was what – at the chemical level – was going on in my brain to make things like exercise anorexia, obsession with schmexy time, and dragging a blade across my bare flesh seem like totally acceptable answers? I needed something I could relate to.
Little did I know that a lotta this stuff actually comes from the same place.
In the past, I’ve referred to this as an intrinsic void we all wanna fill – illicitly or not. And, yeah, that’s true. After I kicked the scripts from my life, all the aforementioned harmful desires were still there. But this abstract concept of a common darkness was entirely unsatisfying. Biologically, how does that look? Well, according to a recent article I just read – it comes from the fact that it feels good.
So, what – does that just make us pleasure seeking heathens who can’t moderate?
Not necessarily. See, that feel-goodery has a name. Some call them endorphins. Others call them endogenous opioids. (But the former’s shorter and easier so we’ll go with that.) And we tend to get them after running, bumping uglies, or (more of an eyebrow raiser, but, yes – it’s true) self harming. Why? ’cause it’s nature’s way of rewarding us on an evolutionary level. Running’s tantamount to predatory escape. To stay ahead of that forest dwelling monster, your body supplies you with pain effacing chemicals. That way, you can live on and reproduce…which brings us to the next one. Sex. Now, this one’s probably obvious, but we’ll cover it anyway. Sex gives you a full body buzz because it’s a prize for propagating more people from your gene pool. Then, finally, the one that may seem opposite of sex is self harm. (Seeing as sex brings about life and self harm is more of a foreplay for ending it.) In a way, if you’re indulging in the former two things – sex and exercise obsessions – you probably already have noticed this pop up to a degree. Too much monkey business or treadmilling may be making for muscle pulls and bruises. But even if you’re just self puncturing for funsies, yes, there’s an evolutionary purpose. See, when we’re hurt, our bods release endorphins, too. On an evolutionary level, it’s a way to avoid getting too pain-crippled to get to safety, lick our wounds, recover, and carry on living.
(Though running with your arms out, Snow White style, pro’lly just wastes energy.)
Okay.
But why do some of us do the stuff to excess and others not so much?
Because some of us have less of these wellness chemicals to start with. “Normal” folk have a normal amount, and for whatever reason (genetics, environment, who cares), others of us don’t. So we find something we love – like jogging – and do it ’til our kicks have got nada but bloody stumps and shredded tendons left in them. As addicts, we probably just stick to one or two of those things and obsess over them.
My advice?
Next time you notice you’ve started a genital bender, solo marathon, or auto-somatic slicing, just pause for a moment. Put everything down. Your partner’s butt. Your butterfly knife. Your Nikes. And, instead of judging yourself, remember your evolutionary tendency has helped lead you here. Whether you’re running, running trains, or running a blade down your wrist – endorphins’re meant to help you endure. You make a li’l less of the stuff, so your body’s chemically hijacked you outta desperation for relief. The only problem is that this twisted solution’s causing more problems. So it’s time to deplane the pain Boeing and try another way.
And that’s the first step. You recognize that while it’s not normal in comparison to the rest of the population, it’s normal for someone – like you – who doesn’t make enough of the stuff in their body pharmacy.
Step two? Find some other someones suffering through the same thing. Because the indulgence/desire cycle can make you feel pretty effing isolated, stepping into a step meeting or something similar can help you feel less like a vice seeking pariah.
Step three? Set a plan to alter your habits that’re making you unhappy. Maybe we can’t help that we’re starting out at a less-than-stellar endorphin level. But we can raise them without having to self harm in the process. There are tons’ve endorphin boosting activities out there. Sure, running and sex are a couple. But others include playing with your pup, watching a comedy, cleaning house, getting a massage, meditating, sharing coffee with a friend, trying something new… the list is longer than Kerouac’s scroll draft of “The Road”. (There’s another good mood booster: reading.) By mixing up which ones you do when – and putting a time limit on them – you can make sure you’re getting your au natch highs without the inconvenience of going all Charlie Sheen in the process, preventing you from leading a normal life.
And that’s the idea. Because step four is to use your opioids proactively – with the aim of them serving as a sturdy foundation for your work in the world. You wake up, exercise, meditate, do whatever activity makes you feel good both while and after it’s happening, and then there’ll be a bit more zest in your trek to work. This is literally the only way I survive life. I’ve got my routine every day. Run. Yoga. Meditate. Starbucks (Okay, maybe that one’s not natural.) Minus a baseline A.M. self-made high, my day’s task tower collapses in flames before noon. But by moderating enough morning wellness beforehand, I’m golden til it’s GTFO’ clock.
So, sure, fuel up on your internal pharmacy.
But only get high enough on your own supply that your return to reality’s palatable.
That way, you’ll still have the good shiz left in stock for tomorrow.