obsession

Addicted To… Self Help?

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“Oh…That’s good. I need to write that down.”

Many times have I said this to myself as I entered the rabbit hole of self help videos.


(Sound familiar?)

Many of us have fallen prey to it:

Self help addiction.

And, honestly, I’m no better. From the best way to get a good butt to study tips to how to survive a breakup, I’ve seen it all. And it all began with good intentions. (Obviously.) I wake up. I make breakfast. And I watch something helpful and relevant to a problem in my life. (Why? ’cause a self help Youtuber probably told me to do it.) And, to be fair, the first Mel Robbins video is always a winner. Really hits home. But, suddenly, it’s half an hour later and my history is littered with fifty of these similar videos. (Thanks, suggestion stream…) And, without warning, I feel a bit schizophrenic. Not to mention – unmotivated. But why? Why does any of this happen with content that should be so helpful?

There’s layers to it.

First is the feed. If you’ve seen that one documentary on Netflix everyone is raving about (“Social Problem”? I think?), you already know Facebook, Instagram, and even your fave dating app are all addictive. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Youtube is too. Not only are there a plethora of other videos below yours, but the algorithm is on point with its ability to figure out what’ll make you stay. This might be less enticing if you were learning stuff for school. But add in the personal element and we’re nearly powerless. Of course I want to hypnotize myself into forgetting my ex boyfriend… or that there’s leftover pizza in the fridge. So we click. We click into oblivion.

The piggyback to this addiction isn’t unlike a porn habit. It’s the neurochemical experience you get. Unlike Facebook and Instagram’s gamble-reward (where you don’t know whether the next post will be boring, angering, or titillating with each scroll o’ the index finger), this is different. Everything is designed for you. You know it’s going to be good. And every video you watch sets off some sort of serotonin-dopamine cocktail, depending on how or why it inspired you. Not unlike the intention behavior gap, we end up getting high on the feeling associated with the idea of doing all these great self mods.

And… we never actually do them.

Sure, that’s because we already experienced the feeling as it resonated with us.

But there’s another aspect to it. Because we’ve been watching so much of this stuff and doping ourselves with our own neurochemical pharmacy, we end up crashing. We finish the binge, bewildered. It’s like a junkie coming down. We’re already not in the best state to take action. But, even if we were, it’d be awfully difficult. Why? Because, we’ve seen so much “advice” by now, that half of it conflicts with the other half. Heidi the Hippie says self love and eating tons of plant foods made her lean. But Joe Rogan and David Goggins say to quit being such a pansy and hit the gym whether your leg is hanging on by its ligamentous threads or not. They both resonated. Yet, they clash. Then, to top it all off, that one vegan youtuber who’s the reason you changed your whole life, diet, and moved in with a shrub munching cult just announced through an alligator tear apology video that… she’s now eating Nemo to get her omegas. Or vitamin D. Or something. And just like that, you realize something. (Other than that you should probably put down the suicide juice pastor banana demanded you all drink on tonight’s full moon.) Rather, you realize something about all of the advice you’ve been getting. Something fascinating. It’s either all BS… or it’s all correct, in some way.

And that’s the solution.

I write for a lot of self-help sites. And my advice always varies. For some, a plant based diet is good for weight loss. For others, variety is required. For some, natural sleep remedies are necessary. For others, pharmaceuticals are the only cure for their insomnia. Likewise, when it comes to managing our overall well being, not just one person is going to have the answer. I will say that if you have obsessive tendencies (and you likely do, if you’re on this site), scroll media is not your friend. Not if you’re looking to better yourself. If this is a favorite pastime of yours you’re unwilling to relinquish, try moderation: set an alarm before you sit down for your inspiration of the day. And choose one or two videos only to enjoy by your favorite content creator. Then, go implement it before the over-information schizophrenia can set in. But, before you do, go to the one source you should truly be asking for advice:

Yourself.

For the record I tried on that above image.

I tried to find something more relatable to my own routine. But Google images doesn’t seem to have a photo of a woman in lotus pose with mismatched socks, one of which is inside out, disheveled hair with roots growing out, and remnants of breakfast staining her face like some gluttonous reboot of The Joker… But I digress. The real question is: who knows you better than you? When all the distractions, procrastination activities, defense mechanisms, and excuses fall away, only you can answer the big questions. So do that. Lift the veil of everything external keeping you from winning. The thing is, even if you needed extra guidance, you’ve probably read enough books by now. You’ve seen enough Youtube videos. You don’t need another suggestion about what to do, specifically. Now is the time to tune in. Sit in a comfy meditation spot or go out in nature and just close your eyes. Everything you’ve heard has infiltrated your subconscious by this point. It’s all there. Your job is to now sit and sift through it. Let whatever is under the flood of worries and ongoing stimulation.. bob to the top. See what comes to the surface. Which guidance resonates, when you’re just sitting with yourself? What’s consistent with what you know to be true?

Now, write that down.

And make that your game plan.

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 3)

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We now know why we get caught in toxic cycles with avoidant dismissive partners.

We also know why we may get bored or confused when we are valued.

But why? And how do we sort that out?

DEPROGRAMMING IS CRUCIAL

It can be confusing to know whether affection is love bombing or true value.

But it’s only confusing when you don’t truly know your own worth. So, before even attempting a healthy relationship (and potentially hurting someone else or ruining what could have been a great relationship later on), it is imperative that we get a new story. We have to do the work. Alone. We must recognize where our current self beliefs come from. How deeply ingrained they are. And how false they are. Think of it this way. You had one set of opinions about you or behaviors which led to your own conclusions about yourself. They were programmed into you in your formative years. But that’s just one. One or two in a sea of billions. Just because this was the initial software, doesn’t mean you can’t wipe the computer clean. (Really not sure if that metaphor is accurate… Moving on…) But you have to recognize it first. Without blaming your parents (or sister or brother…), sit down and make an objective, unemotional list of the negative things you remember happening to you or believing in your youth that you inadvertently took on to be true. Was it that you were too short? Too tall? Too fat? That your facial features weren’t perfect? Were you left alone a good deal? Abused maybe even?

Now, sit back and realize something amazing. You could have been born into literally any family with all of the same features you have, inside and out. And they may have treated you in a completely different and more supportive way. The truth is, when we are children, we are a blank slate. So, the price tag we are being sold about ourselves from our parents is only that. It’s based on their own opinion. It’s based on their own projection. Two, fallible human beings told us, directly or indirectly, what our worth was. And we believed it. We believed them because we didn’t have the capacity to question it. But now we do. So, how many of these things that we were told about ourselves were complete and utter projection all along? How many were based off of our own parents’ personal insecurities? How many other people in the world with exactly our features that we feel insecure about (or possibly worse), ended up being actors? Pop stars? Models? All thanks to their unique physical make up? How many went on to become wealthy motivational speakers? Or even just amazing and selfless leaders in the community? Now, ask yourself what makes you so special. How are you any different? Other than your refusal to eschew this outdated and archaic programming that never served you in the first place?

DITCHING THE OLD IDENTITY

Once we recognize the lifelong lie, it’s difficult to adhere to a new programming. But we start with action. We start by pursuing all of those same things we did when we were in a relationship. Or, better yet, we pursue the things we never have – because we thought we were somehow too incompetent. And we do it for ourselves this time. I don’t mean that in a lip-servicey way, either. What I mean is that we do all of this to prove our worth to ourselves. Our “self” is almost like another separate person. And they need to see you’re making an investment in them. Whether that’s by cleaning your home, studying, or working your side hustle, your “you” needs to see some effort. So, we practice this act of self affirmation one day at a time, until it feels embedded in who we are. Then, one day, if someone wanders into our lives that we are attracted to, we might feel like we are in a safe place to give a romantic relationship a chance again. And we do so with cautious optimism, knowing about our former tendencies in relationships. Now, we know what to look for. Previously, we would accept the love bombing a few weeks in (or earlier) because we were so starved for validation, that it felt like heroin. Now, we recognize our worth because we have done the work to prove it to ourselves. But that took us time. So we recognize that someone who has only known us for a short time, can’t possibly appreciate our true value. Excessive adoration will seem suspicious before they truly know who we are. It would be like walking into a store and buying a $500 coat when you can only see it from 10 feet away. You didn’t try it on. You can’t see what the back looks like. You don’t even know what the material is. Someone who truly knows their value, would not trust grandiose gestures and statements before the person giving it had a chance to truly assess our “coat“. So we know now to look at that with a cautious eye.

Then, before we realize it, we find that we are in a healthy connection. And that it doesn’t involve constantly thinking about the person. It may not entail seeing each other daily. It may not include them constantly telling us how amazing we are. But we have done the work to know that about ourselves anyway, so we don’t need it. Before long, we find that we are magically freed of our obsession. And we realize how comforting it feels to just sit in our own skin and go about our daily lives with an alacrity that we never had before when the shackles of attachment were weighing everything down.

Suddenly, just like that, we can quit chasing another…

And start chasing bigger and better things – whether we’re with someone or not.

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 2)

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Sure, adrenal addiction may cause some of your anxious attachment tendencies.

It can make people super productive.


(Ever hit the gym to blow off steam after a bad fight with a lover?)

But there’s also a deeper reason.

WE’RE JUST AS INSECURE AS THEY ARE

Yep. We’re not exempt from the madness of this. We ourselves are just as insecure as our dismissive avoidant partners. Yes, the one who runs has learned to do so because perhaps they had parents, teachers, or maybe even primary relationship where they could not depend on them early on. Rejected. Neglected. Mocked. Abandoned. Whatever it was, they had to fend for themselves. They are used to doing things on their own because they’ve always had too. And they are afraid that getting too close will mean you leaving so they resent you prematurely for that. It’s a projection of feelings toward their initial caregivers or connections. The first people who were supposed to love them failed. So they reject help and love now, having had to find it – or a version of it – for themselves their whole lives. It’s all they have, seeing as they couldn’t have love. So, it becomes a replacement for love. And they’ll be damned if you take that away from them. But, we are just as bad. See, for us, we may not have been physically abandoned, but maybe we were emotionally neglected. Perhaps we were made to feel not good enough. Physical affection was lacking. Negative comments and judgment were a regular thing we received. As a result, deep down, we may crave excessive validation and constant affirmation. (Something no one should have to be responsible for doling out.) We need to incessantly hear that our partner still loves us and approves of us. Just like they did at the beginning. And that might work out if we were to actively seek out healthy attachment styles. They would leave us feeling secure. Or they could help us recognize these tendencies and work through them. But we don’t.

WE PREFER THE CHASE BECAUSE WE’RE RUNNING TOO

Yet we keep attracting avoidant types… Why? The answer is actually kinda ironic. We’re actually running, too. The problem is, deep down, we might still believe all that awful stuff we’ve been told either directly or indirectly in our formative years. We are not good enough. Not attractive enough. Not capable enough. Not smart enough. And, as a result, we may be afraid that if somebody gets too close they will see the cracks in the statue – the flaws. The “nice” thing about love bombing for someone insecure is that it happens fast and furious. Your partner doesn’t take the time to actually get to know you when they hit you with a barrage of compliments and presents. They hardly know you. Someone normal would be suspicious of this. Not us. We’re just glad they’re skipping straight to the emotional paycheck without any of the hours being clocked. Maybe when we thought that they liked us, they weren’t seeing the whole picture. Just the facade. And if they get close enough to do so, they may not like it. They can’t really value us. We know the truth, deep down. So, distance is safety.

They will leave completely if they see us bare. At least this arm’s-length relationship will keep them in our orbit. So, just as the avoidant feels safe to grow cold after the love bombing phase (knowing that we will chase them), we feel safe knowing that the avoidant is never truly going to take a real interest in us enough to see us for who we truly are. Not enough to judge it, anyway. And when they run away, it is confirmation of the identity we have come to believe about ourselves: that we indeed are not good enough to keep. So we ironically feel secure in at least knowing that we were right… About some awful “truth” about who we are.


(Wearing a fake face and chasing someone… Do we get why the avoidant runs?)

FIRST STEP IS RECOGNITION

So, what’s the fix? Recognizing this is half the battle. So is recognizing that you can’t fix the avoidant. Sadly, this isn’t a fix for the relationship itself – but for you yourself. Yes, you can try and point out the truth. You can try to enlighten them about who they are and you are so that you can work on it together. But that rarely ends in success. Often, an avoidant will not want to work on themselves. And they will not want to seek professional help. You have to remember that help is their job. They don’t accept help. They give it because that’s all they have. That’s been their love replacement for as long as they can recall. Their coping mechanism.

You’ll even notice them caught in toxic codependencies with others because they’re “needed”. They pretend to resent it – that everyone asks them for everything. But, secretly, they’re addicted to it. Their philosophy is that they’ve been self-dependent for years… and they aren’t dead yet. So it must be fine. In fact, they may be doing great financially, physically, or educationally. They may be thriving in every external realm, while their psyche, spirit, and relationships suffer a slow death. But because people, usually, don’t see that part… it matters less to them. It has less value. Especially if they can keep others far enough away not to see it. Bottom line? Just like any relationship, you can’t fix a partner. Likewise, you can’t stick around if they refuse to fix themselves.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO DATE SOMEONE NEW…

So, why do we? Why do we stick around? We may not. We may try, during one of the many periods where our partner grows cold, to attempt a healthy relationship with someone new. And what we may notice is that it feels…. boring. Bland. There’s no spark. No real excitement. We don’t feel the same high octane level of passion or motivation that we may have felt in our prior attachment. We may even resent or judge the other person who is showing us a healthy level of attention. After all, why can’t they see what a gargoyle you truly are deep down? Like the other person who ran away all the time? We may even come to judge them for loving us. Twisted, right?


(An overused quote by me, but relevant, nonetheless…)

So, how can we love someone who truly values us?

Keep reading to find out…

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 1)

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Okay, so maybe you’re used to getting obsessed with a partner.

You’ve sadly gotten used to the cycle of unbridled focus on someone else.


(…before it all goes up in flames and you gotta rinse and repeat)

So, when the tables turn, it catches you off guard.

THE CYCLE

Someone who tends to get obsessive in romantic relationships can fall into one of many categories. But, a common one is that of the anxious attachment style. You would think that this attachment style would want to pair up with somebody healthy so that we never have to spend our extra time obsessing over them. We would feel safe. Secure. Right? But what ends up happening, instead, is something kinda crazy. Instead, we often pair up with our polar opposite: the dismissive avoidant. Why? Because the relationship is characterized by the dismissive avoidant initially love bombing the anxious one. Flowers. Candy. Gifts. Words of affirmation. Acts of service. Intimate and warm touch. The typically anxious partner feels calm, knowing that they are in a state of reciprocated affection with their partner. Finally. For a while, things are good. But, then, when things get too comfortable or too close… the avoidant drops off. Goes radio silent or cold. Distant. Angry and accusatory. Maybe even starts fights for no reason. And, so, the anxious partner returns to that state of anxiety and becomes what the avoidant dubs “needy”.

The anxious partner may try to work things out for a while. And, ultimately they may leave, knowing things are not going to return to what they once were. This is smart. But, often, it does not last. The avoidant, who no longer has that stream of adoration and attention being beamed at them without reciprocation, begins to worry. Before, they could give no effort and know that you were there, waiting and thinking of them. Now, nothing. Thus, they return, tail between legs, roses in hand, and attempt to reignite the relationship. They may beg. They may apologize. If things seem more dire, they may even do the same level of love bombing they offered at the start of the relationship. Or if they think it will be easy (because you’ve taken them back before), they do less. They’ll make make minimal effort like a “hey“ or “yo“ text message late on a Friday night after a couple (packs of) beers. And, because we – the anxious type – are just as insecure as they are, we bite. And the cycle starts again.

So why do we, as the anxious attacher, do this?

Well, for several reasons.

ANGST IS FUEL

The truth is that obsessing becomes a habit in and of itself. We become accustomed to that chaotic feeling. Addicted, even. Perhaps the adrenalized feeling drives us to work harder to impress someone. Maybe it motivates us to stay fit for the person we want to impress. Maybe it inspires us to reach goals so that we have to seem perpetually worthy of their presence in our lives. It becomes a fuel we rely on. Think of how many “revenge body“ transformations you’ve seen. Contrarily, think of how many of us gain weight the second we get into a relationship where we feel loved, comfortable, and serene. Subconsciously, we may be seeking that power up. Deep, intense, anxiety can be a very powerful force when it comes to productivity of any kind. It’s not the only way to get there. But the brain tends to go with the easiest, most short-cutty route; regardless of how unhealthy it is.


(“Can’t… Run… Anymore… Noone… To… Obsess…About…”)

But, honestly, there’s an even more cringe reason we chase a runner…

Check out part two to find out what that is…

Can Co-Dependents Recover? (Part 2)

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Yes, breaking from codependent habits sounds great in theory.

But the truth is… it’s hard. Especially if you can’t afford the weekly trip to the shrink.


(Although you’d have to be the one paying me to sit on that uncomfortable azz looking couch…)

So, how do we do it?

How does one motivate themselves to make change.

Especially when they’re going through neurochemical withdrawal from someone?

I listed some tips on this in my last article about obsession. However, it’s worth mentioning here. The generic advice will tell you to spend time doing what you love. To journal. To build your boundaries and keep them. To accept that it’ll take time. And that’s all true. But it feels like very distant, intangible advice. The truth is that you really have to sit with yourself and think about who it is that you want to be. For you. It’s easy to be great when someone is there to applaud us. But what happens when the applause stops? How can you clap for yourself? By proving yourself to yourself. Who’s the person you want to be? What do they do?

For me, reclaiming my identity meant having a heart to heart with myself. Get really honest. I had to figure out what made me feel badly about myself. What brought me joy. What goals I needed to work better toward achieving. Who I should and shouldn’t be talking to or hanging out with. How I should be spending my money. That’s integrity. Secretly buying retail goodies I don’t need or shoveling sugar into my face doesn’t go unnoticed. The world around me may not see it. But I know. Deep down, I know. And who can love themselves when they’re doing things they wouldn’t respect others for doing?

After that honesty came action. That’s the hard part. When you’re going through the withdrawal of someone you unknowingly relied on for happiness, the world does go dark. Grey. Dismal. It takes time to clear them from your body. And, like any drug you recover from, you have to spend that time developing new habits. Force yourself to write. To make art. To run. Again, all stuff you may have heard in the “Obsession” article. And, most of all – no contact (if possible) is so crucial. You can’t respect yourself if you keep returning to something unhealthy.

But what about after? Once you’re doing all these things and living your best life – how do you start over? How can you connect with someone new… and not repeat these terrible habits? It’s simple – but not easy. The biggest mistake we make when we date someone we really like is to start obsessing about them. Make sure you’re not spending too much timing thinking about them, over-texting them, or doing too many acts of service too early on. Give yourself some time and space away from them, too. It’s imperative that the “you” you’ve built independent of them doesn’t suddenly get stowed away. So, still do your passion projects, see your best friends, and don’t break engagements for them. Not only does it establish boundaries to them (which is super hot), but it does so for yourself as well. It communicates to yourself that you’re strong in your foundation. And that will serve you well later when they leave, so it doesn’t feel like the earth itself is falling out from under you.

You built your own happiness through your habits. Suddenly placing that happiness in the hands of another is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because the former method (of going out and building it for yourself) communicates to your subconscious that, to be happy, you must put in work. You want joy? You make the effort. That’s the brain habit you’ve developed. The latter method, contrarily, tells your subconscious another story. It says that happiness is entirely out of your hands. You’ve made another human being god. Someone flesh and blood like you is the puppeteer for your every emotion. That’s why so many co-dependents are in a constant state of anxiety. They aren’t happy with or without you. Any time you’re away, they’re missing their fix. Anytime they’re with you, they’re afraid they may say or do something to lose you. It becomes self fulfilling too, because people can tell when you aren’t being real and they’ll leave anyway. Again, been there. Been on both sides of it. And I can attest that it’s ugly all around.

And, this year I’m realizing it’s becoming a common phenomenon as people sense a loss of control. But nothing has truly changed. Not when it comes to who controls your happiness. So, just know that you alone are as in control of you and your well being as you ever were. Whether you do it through the assistance of therapy, journaling, or starting artistic new hobbies, just make that move. (Not just hopping into a new relationship where you’ll do it all over again.) Take some sort of action to prove yourself to yourself.

And go from codependent to independent.

Can Co-Dependents Recover? (Part 1)

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“Would you say I’m… co-dependent?”

I got this question text from an ex-lover turned good friend the other day.

Our ship has long sailed, and now we’re in the territory where we can be brutally honest, but let it come from a place of love. So we do that for each other. That said, I had a newfound appreciation when I got this message. I suddenly felt what every man feels when his lady (or man… or nonbinary partner… or parakeet, whatever, it’s 2020) says, “Do I look fat in these pants?” You feel like it’s a trick question. You wanna answer honestly, but you feel their fingers on the metaphorical detonator the whole time.

So, I answered his question with a question: “What makes you ask that?” (Thanks, that one time I went to the shrink and learned this tactic…) And he went on to explain how he’s head over heels for this new girl he’s with. How they have a blast when they’re together. How awesome she is. But… whenever he’s away from her, he feels this vast emptiness come over him. Like he’s been powered down. All the world loses its color. All passions are deactivated. Typically pleasurable things feel suddenly meaningless. In a word, he was obsessed with this new lady. Just like the one before her. And the one before her… But it was a unique flavor of obsession called codependency. Just like each time before.

He knew the answer to his own question before he’d asked me. My friend’s done this in every relationship he’s ever been in. A new girl arrives in his life and he goes into love bombing mode with a quickness. She’s an angel on a pedestal. But this kind of adoration can only last so long. It’s not sustainable fuel for a long term relationships. So, what he (and many other co-dependents do) is… self sabotage. Either she can’t be there for him to serve as the drug that brings color and meaning to his world or she has some flaw he wants resolved so she can get on the pedestal again. It starts to feel like too much for her. She’s suffocated. Either way, it ends. And he’s back into the darkness again, missing her, and wanting her back.

And I knew this so well because it’s why he and I failed at dating.

I have this tendency too.

And I’ve had to work hard to manage it.

So, I asked him all the things I too had to figure out for myself when I was last healing from a relationship that made me realize just how co-dependent I tend to be. All the “what if’s”. What if your time alone wasn’t isolation? What if it was necessary solitude to keep growing and becoming more of the person she fell in love with? What if you spent your solo time pursuing the hobbies you love? Working on projects for the family you want to build together? And the stuff that’s just for you – like working out or fishing? People aren’t drugs. They should be supplements to the already wonderful life you’ve built for yourself.


(Fun fact: this doesn’t just happen in romantic dynamics. One of my besties has this same weird dynamic. She’s the caretaker. The other chick’s the self sabotaging mess, floundering to keep her attention.)

It sounds good in theory.

But every time it’s me going through it, it feels different. It’s so hard.

So how do you really do it?

Keep reading to learn how to heal from the obsession called codependency….

Detox From Your Ex Obsession Today (Part 2)

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So, you know by now you need to end the cycle of obsession with your ex.

But why is it so hard to stop?

Because… each interaction you have with them – whether it’s happening with them or in your mind – is just like taking a drug. It’s a literal hit of dopamine. You get a flood of feel-good chemicals. Seeing their picture is like a fine glass of wine. Reviewing text messages is like a vicodin. A text message? A kiss? A sexual encounter? Pure heroin. So we do what we can to sustain that high. As one life coach describes it, it’s like “microdosing”. Getting little hits and highs from the wrong guys and girls for you. And it extends to toxic relationships of all kinds. Maybe your ex has actively come back into your life, only to give you bits and pieces. You get to see them on Friday night and then don’t hear from them for a week. They send you a non-committal message, and then don’t respond when you respond back. They keep one foot out the door and threaten to run if there’s any hint of a serious conversation. Yet, you stay. You stay to get those pieces. To bask in their presence. To revel in the glory that is this person made of fat and skin and bone, involuntary nocturnal farts, insomnia inducing snoring, and the literary prowess of a toddler gnawing on crayons. That’s the reality. Meanwhile, you’ve built them up in your mind to be some mythical and unattainable goal you chase. The dragon. The dragon that’s dragging you down in your pursuit of it.

TAKING ACTION TO END THE SPIRAL

The first step? That would be to realize that while this year’s madness may have precipitated the return to an unhealthy habit, that that can no longer be an excuse. If we’re going to live, we need to live. Fully and present. And this is most definitely keeping us from doing that. It is putting a despondent fog and a crazy making haze over our days. The yes and to this first step is the first step for any change that can ever be made – to realize that it is a problem. This cycle has happened how many times now? Once? Twice? Thrice? Four times? A cycle is a wheel. Four wheels move a car. And this car is taking you nowhere. Except maybe into the realm of cliche cat lady or mountain man mapping out conspiracy theories from his Appalachian trailer with a tinfoil hat.

ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO CHANGE?

The second step? To be willing to change. Being willing to change can be confusing. We often think of the goal – no longer being addicted to this person or the thought of them. That part sounds nice. But what we don’t think about is the hard work that we have to do in order to reach that status. When it comes to alcohol or narcotics or sex addiction, The “anonymous“ programs will typically follow the “one day at a time“ rule. For some people, this becomes more of one hour or minute at a time. Or it becomes a “one trigger at a time” rule.

The problem when it comes to a person, is often that the drug is no longer limited to a tangible experience. It’s not even the person that you are addicted to, but the idea of them. You get the text. Dopamine hit. Addiction cycle is rekindled. You see them online. Dopamine hit. Addiction is again rekindled. You make the mistake of sleeping with them. Not just a dopamine hit but now an oxytocin cocktail that has you so far down the spiral, it will take ages to pull yourself back up.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE DRUG IS IN YOUR OWN BRAIN?

So the triggers and fixes, while sometimes physical and real, also become our own thoughts and habits. And it can exist in the same thing we use for work, family, and healthy connection: our phone. How tempting is it to just scroll quickly over to their page between talking to your aunt on Facebook? And the rest of it is so second-nature that we may not even realize we’re doing it. The thought comes up to look them up. We do it without thinking. Or when we’re out with friends – wasting brunch with your girlfriends or beer with your boys talking about them. How about that lonely FOMO filled Friday where you feel like looking through your memories of that holiday you two spent in the mountains. (Ya know, the one that ended in a blowout fight because they started gaslighting you about something yet again?) Make no mistake. Each of these things is actively participating in your toxic attachment addiction. It’s a puff. A line. A swig. Just because the person is not there, does not make it any less harmful. It is just as bad.

DOING THE HARDEST THING VS. GENERATING RESERVATIONS

And sometimes, the hardest part is taking action. Maybe you can avoid actively talking to them or actively pulling up their profile. But you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t say you were secretly checking in on your phone every few hours (or more if we’re being honest) to see if they have gotten in touch yet. This is also an addictive thought pattern that releases that dopamine that keeps us hooked. The question is, can you cancel them before they have the chance to reel you back in? The only way to truly break an addiction to someone who is toxic, is to block them from any form of contact.

Right about now is when most people will begin to feel those reservations. Blocking? That seems extreme. Maybe this isn’t so big of an issue after all. You can manage it. That seems super extra. I mean, you had a history, after all. Or you had a connection. Or whatever other excuse there is. The bottom line is this: You let this person walk all over you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re the bad guy. But you let someone break or bend your boundaries. Who is at fault is no longer a concern. The only concern is that this is no longer under your control. Your interaction with them defiled your dignity. So it has to end. Where you were once a strong, independent, and beautiful soul (what may have attracted them to you in the first place), now you’re a shell of yourself. It’s very possible that you don’t do anything that you love anymore. That you just wait – marinating in your own obsession and hoping they return. In reality, the truth is that even if they did return, they’d smell that anxious desperation permeating through your pores and leave all over again. The bottom line is that it needs to end. The bottom line is that this is toxic. The bottom line is that you are making excuses and reservations because you’re afraid. Like so many addicts, you’re afraid of the emptiness that awaits when you cancel this addiction. But it’s time to be brave anyway. And here’s why.

There is hope.

NEUROPLASTICITY: YOUR BRAIN CAN BREAK THE OBSESSION

Experts on “love addiction” (I put the quotes because that’s just a euphemism for toxic and anxious attachment) have mapped it out for us. The “love” detox. On average, it takes about eight weeks. Eight weeks to “detox” from an obsession. The way this works is via something called neuroplasticity. Via this neural phenomenon, the brain can change within 30 to 90 days alone – if you keep practicing the same habit. That habit might be learning the piano. It might be painting. Or it might be, ya know, avoiding one trigger at a time for bad behavior connecting you back to your ex. The trick? To fill that time of avoiding triggers with something new. What goals, hobbies, passions, or other dynamics have you been missing out on so you could dedicate all of your energy to obsessing over someone who doesn’t remotely reciprocate your feelings? How much of life have you literally been throwing away? Go focus on that now. Everytime the urge emerges to text or check messages, go do that instead. Paint. Write. Put on those running shoes and run.


(Um… we said put *on* the running shoes. Not buy a bunch of new ones and trade your ex addiction for a shopping one…)

I won’t sugarcoat this bit.

It will feel literally painful. You won’t enjoy it. Not at first. But you will in time. And here’s why… As it becomes a habit to do a hobby when you have a craving, the replacement activity will start to become your new habit. For me, I like to do activities that leave no room for obsession. Training MMA, running high intensity intervals, and creating art or articles are just some of them. If you’re distracted during intense exercise or sparring, you risk injury. If there’s distraction with art, the art turns out terrible. So, find your replacement thing and do it. Caveat? Absolute, pure, and unmitigated “no contact”, as the pros call it. That means no actual interaction, of course. (Don’t reach out to them and don’t reply if they reach out to you – which they shouldn’t be able to because you blocked them.) But it also means you not interacting with any material relating to them. Even on your own. No picture revisiting. No checking for texts or online status. No pulling out the old movie theater tickets from your first date to cry over. Your subscription has been canceled.

DON’T BE A “DRY LOVE DRUNK” WHEN YOU END IT

I think sometimes people think that moving on has to be stoic and painful. And if taking on the martyr role gets you through that first phase of a breakup, that’s fine. For some, that’s a form of mourning. Giving a dead dynamic the grieving period it warrants. Especially if the connection was ever meaningful or positive before it disintegrated. But just know that you don’t have to get stuck there. The point of breaking an addiction isn’t to suffer in a new and interesting way. (In the “anonymous” rooms, I think they call this kinda behavior being a “dry drunk”.) People do this so they can say that they’re not happy with or without the person; that the only way they’ll ever be happy is to have them back. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because they’re not actively trying to fill their lives with anything else. They aren’t forming any replacement habits. Ultimately, they know they will return to the obsessive cycle because they never eliminated their reservations about just how much this way of being is destroying them. Let’s don’t be that guy.

A PRACTICAL APPROACH TO BEGINNING THE END

Start today. The approach is super simple. Make a list of all the habits you know are contributing to your own internal turmoil and demise. What is keeping you stuck in this loop of attachment addiction? Think of everything listed above. How frequently are you texting this person? Checking for their messages? Looking at their profiles or pictures you’ve saved in that hidden album of your phone? Thinking of them? Talking to family members or friends about them? Make that list. Call yourself out. And then, make a separate list. This will be a list of everything you want to do or focus on from now on that you’ve been inadvertently back-burnering. Then, every time the triggering feeling comes up to do anything from the first list, go to the second list and pick something from it. Maybe it’s watching a funny video. Maybe it’s taking the dog to the park. Maybe it’s hitting up the farmer’s market. Novelty and healthy decisions will become your new habit you crave because you force yourself to experience that any time a craving comes. Boom. Association.

I know this year has been hard. And nothing feels certain. But here’s a secret: nothing ever was. The only thing we can be sure of is that we’re all still alive. For now, at least. So, if we’re going to be alive, even if just for now, why not live that to the fullest? Doing what serves us, our spirit, and those around us? Don’t let the media deceive you into a false sense of hopelessness. You are worth more than settling. You are worth more than glass boundaries and a foundation made of sand. You just need to work to prove that to yourself. And it starts with this. Vaccinating yourself against a virus bigger than covid itself: this emotional, psychological, and spiritual herpes that’s been bringing you down each time you finally escape its clutches. This prison that’s been worse – and possibly farther reaching – than quarantine itself.

Best of luck on your chain breaking inoculation.

Detox From Your Ex Obsession Today (Part 1)

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Political insanity. Violent protests. Charmin’ shortages.

2020 has become known for a lot of things. But the main and driving force behind so much of the insanity happening this year boils down to what is this 12 month period in history will always be known for – the year of the virus. Covid. Coronavirus. The ‘rona. And, with all of the isolation, quarantine, and reduction of warm and meaningful lives to cold and distant digital interactions… another virus emerges. A herpes like virus. The one where we return to our active addictions. I don’t mean the booze. (Although I do prognosticate overflowing AA rooms by the time this nightmare is over.) No. I mean the one where we return to the former flames we thought we’d stomped out ages ago. The ones that were easy to forget when options were endless, distractions were plentiful, and life was normal.


(“Yes, being in this blue prison for the past ten months has made me miss you too!”)

TEXTS FROM THE EX

Indeed, since covid hit, innumerable reports of texts from exes have been made. You may know this one. You spent weeks or months getting over them. Then, out of the black, you get that “hey stranger” message at ten on a Friday when he or she has some emotion potion running through their veins. (Or, if you’re me, you get a whopping “Yo”. True poetry, right? John Cusack under your window holding up a boombox blaring love ballads can’t top that.) And, for all its awfulness, this breadcrumbing has indeed resulted in so many hopping back on the toxicity train to take another ride around the anxious attachment track. Then, you get off, dazed and confused a month or two later – equal parts wanting to stow aboard all over again and wanting to throw rocks at it.

WHY WE DO IT

But first off, let’s not get too angry with ourselves. It’s tough enough when things are going well. However, as much as we love novelty, human beings also crave familiarity, structure, and connection. And, in a year filled with uncertainty, reaching out to an ex feels like safety. We remember how warm and protected we felt by their presence, their voice, or even just those digital exchanges. That’s why this year has been especially tough for that. We want that comfort. But to uproot that nonlogic plant, we need only remind ourselves of one thing: nothing is ever certain. We never know what will happen from one day to the next. It could be a virus. It could be an asteroid. It could be an armored vehicle filled with cash hitting you after you spent all morning meditating “money abundance” manifestation affirmations.

Nothing is certain. We just subconsciously convince ourselves that it is by tallying up the likelihood of disaster unfolding based off the fact that things have gone relatively well thus far, so we can move through our days with less anxiety. That’s all. But it always potentially lurks around the corner. Indeed, nothing is certain. Nothing, that is except the fact that interacting in a toxic attachment addiction relationship will inevitably bring you down. It will diminish the quality of your other dynamics. It will make you less present in your daily interactions. It will steal from your focus and passions. You shove all these things in the backseat like the worst Uber driver ever, as you spend the majority of your day either focusing on this person or interacting with them somehow. Maybe you look at old text messages. Maybe you check to see if they are online. Maybe you look at their profile. Browse old pictures. Talk about them to others.


(“We’re all happy your ex viewed your IG story, Karen, but do you think we can circle back to the project whose deadline is tonight?”)

Why?

Because each time you do this, you get a hit of dopamine.

As extensive research has shown, it’s just like a drug.

Keep reading to see why you keep “microdosing” on your toxic partner…

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 2)

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So, we’ve established by now that it’s time to move on.

There’s no hope of getting back with your ex and the only way out is forward.

But… how? When our relache is playing on loop in our minds?

Simply put… by shutting the door on that chapter and detoxing from them.

As mentioned, science shows a parallel between nose candy and your former bae.

That’s not a theory or opinion. It’s a legitimate imaging study done between the brain on love versus cocaine. Now, for anyone here who’s suffered the hell of active addiction before, you may well recall the pain of withdrawal. It was pain on every level. Not just your brain. Your whole body hurt. The color was sucked from anything and everything fun you once enjoyed. It felt like it’d last forever and never change. But, then, one day… it did. Once you really, truly realize that the same thing is happening in your brain while going through withdrawal from a lover and a drug, you realize something important. What’s the one rule you had to follow in order to detox and avoid activating the addiction again? Do. Not. Use. Right? That’s the first rule. What people don’t realize, however, is that each time we take an action to feel re-connected to our ex, we are using. Read that again. Attempting to re-connect with our ex, even without them present, gives us a fix on a physiological level. We’re getting high off of them, in their absence. It’s the masturbatory version of having them around again because, in solitude, we use the thoughts and activities that link us to them to accomplish what their company would. Why are we like this? Because we get a brief, dopamine high from feeling nearer to them. And, half the time, we don’t even realize that’s what we’re doing. So let’s stop that today, shall we? Let’s review what counts as “using” and see who among us is as guilty as I have definitely been so very many times before.

First, there’s the hardest part: the thoughts.

Looping the good times makes you miss them. Recalling arguments makes you angry. Wondering what they’re up to. Imagining who they’re with now. These thoughts arise and we ride them into a sunset of our own insanity, unable to focus on anything else. Thoughts are so tough to overcome. The antidote? Taking your brain to the gym to hone your re-focusing muscle and build some self calming brawn. (AKA meditation.) Meditation is a great practice for learning how to give these thoughts the finger as soon as they pop up. How’s it work? Not at all how you think.


(This is 100% normal. Especially if you’re just starting out…)

First, you sit in quiet silence, focusing on your breathing. Inevitably, the thought comes up. And, inevitably, you’ll start going with that thought. Your chest tightens. Your heartbeat quickens. (“That bastard! That slut!”) Then, suddenly, you’ll realize a minute or two later that you’re meant to be meditating and get mad at yourself. Skip the getting mad step. Instead, immediately return to the deep calming breath, redirect your focus, and calm your central nervous system. I don’t care if you hitched to that bad thought for five seconds or five hours. Skip the self deprecation part. Why? Because that mental deviation is part of meditation. You don’t get strong by lifting no weight. And you don’t get strong by quitting after the first rep. So, know that this process will repeat. Let it. Let those awful thoughts come, combat them with your breath and attention, and continue on. What you’ll notice is that the more than you do this, the time it takes to return to your self calming breath will become briefer and briefer. What you’ll also notice is that this will become second nature – like muscle memory – later on when you’re actually interacting with the world functionally; not just when you’re sitting in some serene lotus posture beside your sage and citrus Yankee candle. It actually translates to the real world.

The second means of “using” is social media.


(Ooooh… homegirl broke out the laptop to see his new ho in high def…)

Maybe you innocently hopped on to check notifications.

But, within moments, you’re on the prowl.

Did he change his profile picture? Did she update her relationship status to single yet? Or worse – “in a relationship” again? With someone else? Did he re-friend that ex he was talking to on the sly all along? Is she online right now? If so, who’s she talking to? Technology adds an awful whole new layer we never had to deal with a couple decades ago. It deprives us of the Schroedinger’s cat element of breakups. (“Maybe he moved on; maybe he didn’t…”) There’s no good outcome that arises from doing this. So, why do we do it? Again, to get our fix. There’s the fleeting excitement while we wait for that page to load. It’s a gamble. Maybe there’s some news that will drive us even further into anxiety. Maybe there’s nothing, and we’ll still wonder what they’re up to. The cycle not only continues, but gets amplified. And the prospect of detox is even further away now that we’ve reignited that cycle. The fix to seeking our fix? In this case, it may mean avoiding social media or even just blocking your ex to avoid the temptation of seeing what they’re doing.

The third thing we do to us is quite similar.

It’s a habit that combines the first two. And that’s the “communication review”. Ever peruse your old text messages and conversations? In a way, it’s like you’re reliving your whole relationship again. The inside jokes. The pictures. And then… the arguments and cruel words. By the end of your phone scrolling, you’ve not only failed to help yourself detox. You’re literally right back where you were at the start – freshly broken up. No wound healing. No moving on. You’ve just brought everything to the surface – only to suffer again. The compulsion to use is even stronger when we ruminate.

It’s the classic insanity of returning to the source of our pain to assuage said pain.


(Re-reading rejection makes you feel devalued again. Self devalue make us use. What do we use? The thing that devalued us. Do you see the cycle?)

Fourth is what I like to call the drive by.

You know where he goes. Hangs out. Shops. Gets his gas. You know when she’ll get off work and what street she tends to drive down. Ask yourself the honest question, then: are you purposely passing through these places because you know they’ll be there at those times? Are you taking the long way home in hopes of seeing his car? And who might be in it with him? In the past, I’ve realized that I was doing this on a subconscious level. My denial was so strong, that I didn’t even realize I was taking the long road that passes by his street each day or hitting the Walmart only when I knew he might be there. I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out. It came as more of a question: “Do you realize you never take that way home whenever you guys are doing okay?” Ouch. The truth hurt. (Even though I totally got defensive and denied it at the time.) But it remained true. And what happened after that was that, when I did knowingly take the long way home, I felt even worse than before. I mean it felt bad before, but I didn’t know why. Now I knew, and that feeling was amplified. Because, now, I felt worse for a lack of seeing him (or seeing him, for that matter) and worse about myself for giving into my addiction yet again. Relapse induces feelings of worthlessness. We feel devalued all over again. So, save yourself the trouble of these self deprecating activities by not only quitting the intentional drive-bys, but by avoiding places they may be. Even if it means going out of your way to visit the other Walmart across town. Not forever. Just for now.

Fifth is the super cringe-y one I never thought I’d do: the mutual friend schmooze. So… you haven’t spoken to that couple with whom you’re mutually pals, his mom, his grandma, or anyone else you both know for well over a year. Then, the breakup happens. And, within moments, you’re sending funny memes to her sister or his grams, hoping that their positive vote for you will register with your errant ex. He’ll come back when he sees how great everyone else thinks you are. He won’t. Also, your motives are so obvious. I’ve seen this one from my recent ex’s exes so many times. One chick he dated previously would come visit his mom for coffee after they broke up. Another took out his sister on spa trips (using her daddy’s credit card, big baller of a barista that she was). I rolled my eyes at this one so hard. That is, until I was the ex and realizing I was seconds from sending a picture to his grandma I thought she’d find funny. Ew. No. Put the phone down. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. Or whatever other non gender or double gender options we have now, in 2019.


(“Let’s send him a selfie of us together so he knows I came over to steal your pills help you out today!”)

So, why do we do this stuff? Aside from to get our fix? Well, in my past, it’s been about closure. Was there something hidden there in the messages, in the memories, or the passenger’s side of his passing Subaru that would give me a clue? Let me save you some time. The answer is no. Whatever you potentially recall or find as you rewind the gag reel that was your relationship might lead to more questions. But it definitely won’t give you any answers. Or closure. Only they can give you answers. But that’s not your cue to reach out. Because, when you do, they may not be the answers you want, you’ll reignite the addiction by interacting with them, and you’ll deny yourself closure because you don’t want to hear anything other than that they want you back. Case in point? When my ex told me he didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore, I immediately reached for any other reason it could be. Anything other than a lack of attraction. Was there another girl? What it just that he was freshly sober? More questions – until I finally stopped myself short. I cut myself off. Why? Because this self inquiry came to me: “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” That’s a horrible place to be. Constant signs of rejection are worse than being alone. Also, if you truly love them, as I loved him, you wouldn’t want that kind of a life for them, either. Only I could give myself closure from here on out. How? By closing the door on him and addictive activities like these that kept me linked to a dead connection.

And so can you.

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 1)

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Did you know that love and cocaine do the same thing to the brain?

No, really.


(Ring finger rock? Or crack rock? It’s all the same…)

If you look at image studies of the human brain under the influence of love versus said upper drug, the same thing’s happening. The same areas of your think organ light right up. There’s a dopamine high that lasts for around three months when we first fall for someone. Then, it dwindles. However, we remain linked to them because of that hormonal tethering we experienced. Kinda scary, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. It’s scary inasmuch as it means our minds might be lying to us for the first few months after we meet someone we think we love. (The real test is if positive sentiments – even if they aren’t elation – persist thereafter.) However, when it comes to breakups, it’s kind of comforting. It’s comforting because you’re so inconsolably miserable. Now, that might not make sense, but hear me out. See, all along, you’ve been telling yourself to just knock it off, get over it, and sack up. Be stronger than the problem. Move on. You even go through the motions of “moving on”. You move about your day even though you want to stay in bed. Your brain and body are sprinting in the complete opposite direction of your will. When nighttime comes, the day’s distraction and laughter turns to tears.

So, what’s the fix?

Well, while time is always the answer to healing a broken heart, it’s what you do with that time that matters. We didn’t get into the habit of being linked to our ex overnight. There may have even been a time in the beginning where we had our doubts. Maybe we didn’t want to relinquish parts of our identity. Or even our solo time – or time with friends. It took a while to acclimate to life with them. Likewise, it’ll take a while to acclimate to life without them. It’s just that the getting over them process is longer than the getting into them one because of the internal chemicals involved. That’s why we can’t just fill our days with distracting activities. Those are good to a point. And so is the act of focusing on your career, hobbies, friends, or passion projects. But these tips are going to be a bit different. These tips are meant to address what happens in those moments when our brains are too tired to be productive or creative or social – and the demons of the past are upon us. What we have to remember is that we got hooked on our relationship and that took time. Similarly, the only way to get over it is to get those chemicals out of our system. But the trick is that we have to be committed to that – to getting over them – if that’s what we truly want.

Is that what you truly want?

If the answer to that is yes, then we need to answer the next question honestly. “Am I waiting around?” Think about it before answering. This is especially difficult in “on again; off again” relationships. If the M.O. for your partner is to get in touch after a week or two to “talk things out”, you might find yourself waiting around to see if they’ll call. I’ve done this so many times. Why? Because usually the argument was over something dumb that could be fixed. However, the most recent one was one from which there was no returning. He said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. And he said it when he was totally sober. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt. However, unlike a tipsy argument or a clashing of egos, this was a dead end. No amount of “talking it out” can fix if someone doesn’t love you. And my bottom line is that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. The end. It may be painful, but it’s far simpler than wondering what he’s thinking and not getting any answers. Now I know, so I can close the door. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that closure, though. (I feel for you guys. I’ve been there, too.) So, what you have to decide is whether you want to wait around and torture yourself or whether you want to take back your power and move on.

The following tips are for those who finally have decided to do the latter…

(Keep reading for actionable advice on how to truly move on.)