So, you know by now you need to end the cycle of obsession with your ex.
But why is it so hard to stop?
Because… each interaction you have with them – whether it’s happening with them or in your mind – is just like taking a drug. It’s a literal hit of dopamine. You get a flood of feel-good chemicals. Seeing their picture is like a fine glass of wine. Reviewing text messages is like a vicodin. A text message? A kiss? A sexual encounter? Pure heroin. So we do what we can to sustain that high. As one life coach describes it, it’s like “microdosing”. Getting little hits and highs from the wrong guys and girls for you. And it extends to toxic relationships of all kinds. Maybe your ex has actively come back into your life, only to give you bits and pieces. You get to see them on Friday night and then don’t hear from them for a week. They send you a non-committal message, and then don’t respond when you respond back. They keep one foot out the door and threaten to run if there’s any hint of a serious conversation. Yet, you stay. You stay to get those pieces. To bask in their presence. To revel in the glory that is this person made of fat and skin and bone, involuntary nocturnal farts, insomnia inducing snoring, and the literary prowess of a toddler gnawing on crayons. That’s the reality. Meanwhile, you’ve built them up in your mind to be some mythical and unattainable goal you chase. The dragon. The dragon that’s dragging you down in your pursuit of it.
TAKING ACTION TO END THE SPIRAL
The first step? That would be to realize that while this year’s madness may have precipitated the return to an unhealthy habit, that that can no longer be an excuse. If we’re going to live, we need to live. Fully and present. And this is most definitely keeping us from doing that. It is putting a despondent fog and a crazy making haze over our days. The yes and to this first step is the first step for any change that can ever be made – to realize that it is a problem. This cycle has happened how many times now? Once? Twice? Thrice? Four times? A cycle is a wheel. Four wheels move a car. And this car is taking you nowhere. Except maybe into the realm of cliche cat lady or mountain man mapping out conspiracy theories from his Appalachian trailer with a tinfoil hat.
ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO CHANGE?
The second step? To be willing to change. Being willing to change can be confusing. We often think of the goal – no longer being addicted to this person or the thought of them. That part sounds nice. But what we don’t think about is the hard work that we have to do in order to reach that status. When it comes to alcohol or narcotics or sex addiction, The “anonymous“ programs will typically follow the “one day at a time“ rule. For some people, this becomes more of one hour or minute at a time. Or it becomes a “one trigger at a time” rule.
The problem when it comes to a person, is often that the drug is no longer limited to a tangible experience. It’s not even the person that you are addicted to, but the idea of them. You get the text. Dopamine hit. Addiction cycle is rekindled. You see them online. Dopamine hit. Addiction is again rekindled. You make the mistake of sleeping with them. Not just a dopamine hit but now an oxytocin cocktail that has you so far down the spiral, it will take ages to pull yourself back up.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE DRUG IS IN YOUR OWN BRAIN?
So the triggers and fixes, while sometimes physical and real, also become our own thoughts and habits. And it can exist in the same thing we use for work, family, and healthy connection: our phone. How tempting is it to just scroll quickly over to their page between talking to your aunt on Facebook? And the rest of it is so second-nature that we may not even realize we’re doing it. The thought comes up to look them up. We do it without thinking. Or when we’re out with friends – wasting brunch with your girlfriends or beer with your boys talking about them. How about that lonely FOMO filled Friday where you feel like looking through your memories of that holiday you two spent in the mountains. (Ya know, the one that ended in a blowout fight because they started gaslighting you about something yet again?) Make no mistake. Each of these things is actively participating in your toxic attachment addiction. It’s a puff. A line. A swig. Just because the person is not there, does not make it any less harmful. It is just as bad.
DOING THE HARDEST THING VS. GENERATING RESERVATIONS
And sometimes, the hardest part is taking action. Maybe you can avoid actively talking to them or actively pulling up their profile. But you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t say you were secretly checking in on your phone every few hours (or more if we’re being honest) to see if they have gotten in touch yet. This is also an addictive thought pattern that releases that dopamine that keeps us hooked. The question is, can you cancel them before they have the chance to reel you back in? The only way to truly break an addiction to someone who is toxic, is to block them from any form of contact.
Right about now is when most people will begin to feel those reservations. Blocking? That seems extreme. Maybe this isn’t so big of an issue after all. You can manage it. That seems super extra. I mean, you had a history, after all. Or you had a connection. Or whatever other excuse there is. The bottom line is this: You let this person walk all over you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re the bad guy. But you let someone break or bend your boundaries. Who is at fault is no longer a concern. The only concern is that this is no longer under your control. Your interaction with them defiled your dignity. So it has to end. Where you were once a strong, independent, and beautiful soul (what may have attracted them to you in the first place), now you’re a shell of yourself. It’s very possible that you don’t do anything that you love anymore. That you just wait – marinating in your own obsession and hoping they return. In reality, the truth is that even if they did return, they’d smell that anxious desperation permeating through your pores and leave all over again. The bottom line is that it needs to end. The bottom line is that this is toxic. The bottom line is that you are making excuses and reservations because you’re afraid. Like so many addicts, you’re afraid of the emptiness that awaits when you cancel this addiction. But it’s time to be brave anyway. And here’s why.
There is hope.
NEUROPLASTICITY: YOUR BRAIN CAN BREAK THE OBSESSION
Experts on “love addiction” (I put the quotes because that’s just a euphemism for toxic and anxious attachment) have mapped it out for us. The “love” detox. On average, it takes about eight weeks. Eight weeks to “detox” from an obsession. The way this works is via something called neuroplasticity. Via this neural phenomenon, the brain can change within 30 to 90 days alone – if you keep practicing the same habit. That habit might be learning the piano. It might be painting. Or it might be, ya know, avoiding one trigger at a time for bad behavior connecting you back to your ex. The trick? To fill that time of avoiding triggers with something new. What goals, hobbies, passions, or other dynamics have you been missing out on so you could dedicate all of your energy to obsessing over someone who doesn’t remotely reciprocate your feelings? How much of life have you literally been throwing away? Go focus on that now. Everytime the urge emerges to text or check messages, go do that instead. Paint. Write. Put on those running shoes and run.
(Um… we said put *on* the running shoes. Not buy a bunch of new ones and trade your ex addiction for a shopping one…)
I won’t sugarcoat this bit.
It will feel literally painful. You won’t enjoy it. Not at first. But you will in time. And here’s why… As it becomes a habit to do a hobby when you have a craving, the replacement activity will start to become your new habit. For me, I like to do activities that leave no room for obsession. Training MMA, running high intensity intervals, and creating art or articles are just some of them. If you’re distracted during intense exercise or sparring, you risk injury. If there’s distraction with art, the art turns out terrible. So, find your replacement thing and do it. Caveat? Absolute, pure, and unmitigated “no contact”, as the pros call it. That means no actual interaction, of course. (Don’t reach out to them and don’t reply if they reach out to you – which they shouldn’t be able to because you blocked them.) But it also means you not interacting with any material relating to them. Even on your own. No picture revisiting. No checking for texts or online status. No pulling out the old movie theater tickets from your first date to cry over. Your subscription has been canceled.
DON’T BE A “DRY LOVE DRUNK” WHEN YOU END IT
I think sometimes people think that moving on has to be stoic and painful. And if taking on the martyr role gets you through that first phase of a breakup, that’s fine. For some, that’s a form of mourning. Giving a dead dynamic the grieving period it warrants. Especially if the connection was ever meaningful or positive before it disintegrated. But just know that you don’t have to get stuck there. The point of breaking an addiction isn’t to suffer in a new and interesting way. (In the “anonymous” rooms, I think they call this kinda behavior being a “dry drunk”.) People do this so they can say that they’re not happy with or without the person; that the only way they’ll ever be happy is to have them back. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because they’re not actively trying to fill their lives with anything else. They aren’t forming any replacement habits. Ultimately, they know they will return to the obsessive cycle because they never eliminated their reservations about just how much this way of being is destroying them. Let’s don’t be that guy.
A PRACTICAL APPROACH TO BEGINNING THE END
Start today. The approach is super simple. Make a list of all the habits you know are contributing to your own internal turmoil and demise. What is keeping you stuck in this loop of attachment addiction? Think of everything listed above. How frequently are you texting this person? Checking for their messages? Looking at their profiles or pictures you’ve saved in that hidden album of your phone? Thinking of them? Talking to family members or friends about them? Make that list. Call yourself out. And then, make a separate list. This will be a list of everything you want to do or focus on from now on that you’ve been inadvertently back-burnering. Then, every time the triggering feeling comes up to do anything from the first list, go to the second list and pick something from it. Maybe it’s watching a funny video. Maybe it’s taking the dog to the park. Maybe it’s hitting up the farmer’s market. Novelty and healthy decisions will become your new habit you crave because you force yourself to experience that any time a craving comes. Boom. Association.
I know this year has been hard. And nothing feels certain. But here’s a secret: nothing ever was. The only thing we can be sure of is that we’re all still alive. For now, at least. So, if we’re going to be alive, even if just for now, why not live that to the fullest? Doing what serves us, our spirit, and those around us? Don’t let the media deceive you into a false sense of hopelessness. You are worth more than settling. You are worth more than glass boundaries and a foundation made of sand. You just need to work to prove that to yourself. And it starts with this. Vaccinating yourself against a virus bigger than covid itself: this emotional, psychological, and spiritual herpes that’s been bringing you down each time you finally escape its clutches. This prison that’s been worse – and possibly farther reaching – than quarantine itself.
Best of luck on your chain breaking inoculation.
