One of the most difficult aspects of addiction and recovery are the relationships lost with friends, family, and loved ones. Many individuals in the addict’s life have trouble accepting that the addict is an addict and have trouble delineating the addict’s behavior—do we blame the drug, or the addict? The effect is damaging on all involved:
The irony of addictive disease is that those closest to the person with the addiction suffer tremendously. It’s horrifying to watch someone you care about self-destruct. Crippled by fear, anger and overwhelming grief, families and friends either stay helplessly entangled in the addict’s illness, trying to control the uncontrollable, or they separate emotionally.
Addiction ends marriages, relationships, friendships, and familial bonds for a reason. But loved ones are crucial to helping the addict overcome addiction.
At best, relationships will be strained. As the addict recovers, the desire to rebuild strained, stressed, and broken bonds grows.
Sobriety is key to rebuilding relationships. Without sobriety, there is no trust. The addict’s behaviors cannot be entirely attributed to the addict without complete sobriety.
The most important factor is time. Rebuilding a deeply damaged relationship can take months and years. Both the addict and the addict’s loved one must remain patient. Trust has been broken and takes longer to regain than to initially build.
This example of trust illustrates its importance:
You can love and forgive someone without trusting. For example, it is one thing to forgive an apologetic jewel thief and quite another thing to leave him alone in a jewelry store. Likewise, you can forgive a person recovering from alcoholism who asks for forgiveness. But it takes time, honesty, good choices and continued sobriety to regain trust.
And last, but not least, is forgiveness. In order for true recovery to occur, the addict must be forgiven by their loved ones. Forgiveness takes time and requires sobriety—and is the final step where rebuilding happens:
Restoring a wounded relationship is like trying to take down a large brick wall separating those with whom we were once close. No matter how hard you try, it won’t come down all at once. Be patient. Good recovery allows you to remove only a few bricks each day. Over time, there will be a hole in the wall large enough to talk through without shouting. After a while the opening will be large enough to reach a hand through and offer a loving touch. One day, trust is restored and the wall disappears.
Sobriety must be followed with patience.
Patience must be followed with time.
And time must be followed with forgiveness.
Without these factors, a relationship can’t be built.
Not all relationships will be.
But what would you rather have: a relationship you deem broken forever, or one you at least try to fix?