Relationships

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 1)

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Did you know that love and cocaine do the same thing to the brain?

No, really.


(Ring finger rock? Or crack rock? It’s all the same…)

If you look at image studies of the human brain under the influence of love versus said upper drug, the same thing’s happening. The same areas of your think organ light right up. There’s a dopamine high that lasts for around three months when we first fall for someone. Then, it dwindles. However, we remain linked to them because of that hormonal tethering we experienced. Kinda scary, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. It’s scary inasmuch as it means our minds might be lying to us for the first few months after we meet someone we think we love. (The real test is if positive sentiments – even if they aren’t elation – persist thereafter.) However, when it comes to breakups, it’s kind of comforting. It’s comforting because you’re so inconsolably miserable. Now, that might not make sense, but hear me out. See, all along, you’ve been telling yourself to just knock it off, get over it, and sack up. Be stronger than the problem. Move on. You even go through the motions of “moving on”. You move about your day even though you want to stay in bed. Your brain and body are sprinting in the complete opposite direction of your will. When nighttime comes, the day’s distraction and laughter turns to tears.

So, what’s the fix?

Well, while time is always the answer to healing a broken heart, it’s what you do with that time that matters. We didn’t get into the habit of being linked to our ex overnight. There may have even been a time in the beginning where we had our doubts. Maybe we didn’t want to relinquish parts of our identity. Or even our solo time – or time with friends. It took a while to acclimate to life with them. Likewise, it’ll take a while to acclimate to life without them. It’s just that the getting over them process is longer than the getting into them one because of the internal chemicals involved. That’s why we can’t just fill our days with distracting activities. Those are good to a point. And so is the act of focusing on your career, hobbies, friends, or passion projects. But these tips are going to be a bit different. These tips are meant to address what happens in those moments when our brains are too tired to be productive or creative or social – and the demons of the past are upon us. What we have to remember is that we got hooked on our relationship and that took time. Similarly, the only way to get over it is to get those chemicals out of our system. But the trick is that we have to be committed to that – to getting over them – if that’s what we truly want.

Is that what you truly want?

If the answer to that is yes, then we need to answer the next question honestly. “Am I waiting around?” Think about it before answering. This is especially difficult in “on again; off again” relationships. If the M.O. for your partner is to get in touch after a week or two to “talk things out”, you might find yourself waiting around to see if they’ll call. I’ve done this so many times. Why? Because usually the argument was over something dumb that could be fixed. However, the most recent one was one from which there was no returning. He said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. And he said it when he was totally sober. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt. However, unlike a tipsy argument or a clashing of egos, this was a dead end. No amount of “talking it out” can fix if someone doesn’t love you. And my bottom line is that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. The end. It may be painful, but it’s far simpler than wondering what he’s thinking and not getting any answers. Now I know, so I can close the door. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that closure, though. (I feel for you guys. I’ve been there, too.) So, what you have to decide is whether you want to wait around and torture yourself or whether you want to take back your power and move on.

The following tips are for those who finally have decided to do the latter…

(Keep reading for actionable advice on how to truly move on.)

Will Drinking Improve Your Relationship? (Part 2)

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We just covered what some studies have to say about couples who drink together.

But where does that leave you?

How do you decide whether or not to throw in the sobriety towel and join your S.O.?

Well, if you’re on this site, you probably identify with someone who either has an issue with alcohol or some other substance. Maybe you can manage your cabernet but not your anxiety tablets. Maybe you’re fine with chemicals but your obsession is food. My only suggestion? To get very, very honest with yourself about that. What are your triggers or general issue? What can and can’t you moderate? Then, get very, very honest with yourself about where your partner stands with that as well. If they’re waving red flags, heed that shiz. Because it only takes one addict who’s using to take everyone down around them – especially the chemically susceptible.

And, finally, let’s say you do know you have a proclivity toward addictive tendencies. You’ve read articles about the study in question and it’s got you thinking. I mean, your own relationship’s gone a bit stale and you see that some relationships can be improved by adding alcohol. Now, you’re second guessing sobriety, as a result. It might be time to ask yourself: when I wasn’t happy with myself – was adding alcohol ever the answer? That’s a rhetorical question for anyone who’s been through a recovery program. So, so is the next question:

“Then why would adding alcohol to my relationship be the answer?”

I knew someone once who used to say, “Think that thought through”. It was great advice. And, lemme walk you through it, if you’re an addict. You’re with your significant other. They say something annoying. Before you know it, you’re on your second glass of sauvignon to dampen the rising rage you feel toward him. Now you’re no longer the master of your emotions. It could go one of two ways. It could end up in a blow out fight when you try to express yourself and he gets livid in return. Or, it could end up making you feel more forgiving, you have a great night together, and you wake up tomorrow realizing the problem is still there and you’re still livid about it – maybe more so, now that your endorphin levels have been sucked even farther back out to the neurochemical sea. And you’re left, cold and shaking on the shores of reality. For those with an addiction, chemicals either make us handle our issues with excessive and negative emotions or they mask those issues, only to amplify them later when the feel good chemicals are at an all time low. This is when the “sober” arguments start, fooling you into thinking that you need to drink around eachother to be happy. The truth is, you may be sober, but you’re still suffering the after effects of alcohol. Your feel-good chemicals your body naturally makes are now lower than normal. Everything offends and annoys you. From their phone call, timed right when you’re busy to an unanswered text or tone in the reply they did give – we tend to assume the worst when we’re feeling the worst. We judge people based on our emotional filter. And, for someone with any kind of an imbalance seeing through the screen of sudden sobriety, everyone looks like the enemy. Especially those closest to us.

So, whether you’re an addict or not, give your encounters with the sauce a good reflection. Look at how the times you’ve drank alone or with someone have affected you – not just in the moment, but in the days following as well. Was there anything you said or did to them that you weren’t proud of? Were there fights or interactions you can’t even remember? And if any of that sits wrong with you, then maybe it’s time to sit out the whole drinking thing.

And if your partner has a problem with that?

Well, then it might just be time to sit out that relationship altogether.

How to rebuild relationships lost through addiction

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One of the most difficult aspects of addiction and recovery are the relationships lost with friends, family, and loved ones. Many individuals in the addict’s life have trouble accepting that the addict is an addict and have trouble delineating the addict’s behavior—do we blame the drug, or the addict? The effect is damaging on all involved:

The irony of addictive disease is that those closest to the person with the addiction suffer tremendously. It’s horrifying to watch someone you care about self-destruct. Crippled by fear, anger and overwhelming grief, families and friends either stay helplessly entangled in the addict’s illness, trying to control the uncontrollable, or they separate emotionally.

Addiction ends marriages, relationships, friendships, and familial bonds for a reason. But loved ones are crucial to helping the addict overcome addiction.

At best, relationships will be strained. As the addict recovers, the desire to rebuild strained, stressed, and broken bonds grows.

Sobriety is key to rebuilding relationships. Without sobriety, there is no trust. The addict’s behaviors cannot be entirely attributed to the addict without complete sobriety.

The most important factor is time. Rebuilding a deeply damaged relationship can take months and years. Both the addict and the addict’s loved one must remain patient. Trust has been broken and takes longer to regain than to initially build.

This example of trust illustrates its importance:

You can love and forgive someone without trusting. For example, it is one thing to forgive an apologetic jewel thief and quite another thing to leave him alone in a jewelry store. Likewise, you can forgive a person recovering from alcoholism who asks for forgiveness. But it takes time, honesty, good choices and continued sobriety to regain trust.

And last, but not least, is forgiveness. In order for true recovery to occur, the addict must be forgiven by their loved ones. Forgiveness takes time and requires sobriety—and is the final step where rebuilding happens:

Restoring a wounded relationship is like trying to take down a large brick wall separating those with whom we were once close. No matter how hard you try, it won’t come down all at once. Be patient. Good recovery allows you to remove only a few bricks each day. Over time, there will be a hole in the wall large enough to talk through without shouting. After a while the opening will be large enough to reach a hand through and offer a loving touch. One day, trust is restored and the wall disappears.

Sobriety must be followed with patience.

Patience must be followed with time.

And time must be followed with forgiveness.

Without these factors, a relationship can’t be built.

Not all relationships will be.

But what would you rather have: a relationship you deem broken forever, or one you at least try to fix?