alcoholism

Will Drinking Improve Your Relationship? (Part 2)

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We just covered what some studies have to say about couples who drink together.

But where does that leave you?

How do you decide whether or not to throw in the sobriety towel and join your S.O.?

Well, if you’re on this site, you probably identify with someone who either has an issue with alcohol or some other substance. Maybe you can manage your cabernet but not your anxiety tablets. Maybe you’re fine with chemicals but your obsession is food. My only suggestion? To get very, very honest with yourself about that. What are your triggers or general issue? What can and can’t you moderate? Then, get very, very honest with yourself about where your partner stands with that as well. If they’re waving red flags, heed that shiz. Because it only takes one addict who’s using to take everyone down around them – especially the chemically susceptible.

And, finally, let’s say you do know you have a proclivity toward addictive tendencies. You’ve read articles about the study in question and it’s got you thinking. I mean, your own relationship’s gone a bit stale and you see that some relationships can be improved by adding alcohol. Now, you’re second guessing sobriety, as a result. It might be time to ask yourself: when I wasn’t happy with myself – was adding alcohol ever the answer? That’s a rhetorical question for anyone who’s been through a recovery program. So, so is the next question:

“Then why would adding alcohol to my relationship be the answer?”

I knew someone once who used to say, “Think that thought through”. It was great advice. And, lemme walk you through it, if you’re an addict. You’re with your significant other. They say something annoying. Before you know it, you’re on your second glass of sauvignon to dampen the rising rage you feel toward him. Now you’re no longer the master of your emotions. It could go one of two ways. It could end up in a blow out fight when you try to express yourself and he gets livid in return. Or, it could end up making you feel more forgiving, you have a great night together, and you wake up tomorrow realizing the problem is still there and you’re still livid about it – maybe more so, now that your endorphin levels have been sucked even farther back out to the neurochemical sea. And you’re left, cold and shaking on the shores of reality. For those with an addiction, chemicals either make us handle our issues with excessive and negative emotions or they mask those issues, only to amplify them later when the feel good chemicals are at an all time low. This is when the “sober” arguments start, fooling you into thinking that you need to drink around eachother to be happy. The truth is, you may be sober, but you’re still suffering the after effects of alcohol. Your feel-good chemicals your body naturally makes are now lower than normal. Everything offends and annoys you. From their phone call, timed right when you’re busy to an unanswered text or tone in the reply they did give – we tend to assume the worst when we’re feeling the worst. We judge people based on our emotional filter. And, for someone with any kind of an imbalance seeing through the screen of sudden sobriety, everyone looks like the enemy. Especially those closest to us.

So, whether you’re an addict or not, give your encounters with the sauce a good reflection. Look at how the times you’ve drank alone or with someone have affected you – not just in the moment, but in the days following as well. Was there anything you said or did to them that you weren’t proud of? Were there fights or interactions you can’t even remember? And if any of that sits wrong with you, then maybe it’s time to sit out the whole drinking thing.

And if your partner has a problem with that?

Well, then it might just be time to sit out that relationship altogether.

Will Drinking Improve Your Relationship? (Part 1)

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Maybe you’ve seen the ad surfacing every so often.

There’s a picture of a lovely, Bohemian looking brunette, laughing alongside a Matthew Hussey looking gentlemen. They’re at a party. The lighting looks like something out of a Netflix series catered to millennials, with its warm and orangey lighting. They’re smiling. Body language is open. And, of course, they’re holding beers. Then, below, the photo? Below’s the statement that “couples who drink together are happier together”. Wow. What an advertisement, am I right? Happier than who? The happy sober (or half sober) couple now questioning whether their perceived contentment was wrong all along? Laughable, when you hear it out loud, isn’t it?


(Takeaway: “Suck down that Sammy Smith or prepare for a lonely and cold trek toward your casket, solo!”)

It’s funny.

We scroll through ads like these, thinking they aren’t affecting us. But, as I actually heard a peer who’d recently flailed herself off fallen off the wagon mask her excuse with humor (saying, “Couples who get drunk together are happier – science says so!”), I couldn’t help but recall this post. That’s the issue with our quick feed scrolling culture. We read the headline. We don’t bother to research the details. But I did. And what’s the surrounding context that everyone’s missing?

That, yes, couples who drink together are happier.

That is – couples who drink in moderation together are happier. That also is – couples who drink in moderation and who don’t have any behavioral or psychological issues (like, say, addiction) surrounding alcohol are happier together. Per the actual article itself (and the study, if you bother to look at it), heavy drinkers were excluded from this study. So were those with any addictive proclivities.
What’s more, the study swings the opposite way, as well – showing that it’s more to do with solidarity than anything. Yes, if one person drinks, both will be happier if each drink. However, if one person doesn’t drink, they’ll be just as happy together sans swilling down any joy juice. It’s a matter of the impact one has on the other. Let’s not also forget that this study was performed amongst married folks. That means two things. The first is that, when you’ve been together for over three decades (as the subjects in this study were), you tend to do similar stuff. Hell, you may even do that now in your current relationship. Just think of the age old argument about where you’re gonna eat for dinner.


(Why not just order from different places?)

I notice this a lot. When we’re with our partners, we don’t want to eat alone. We don’t want to be watching a show alone while the other’s on their phone. We want that sense of communion and camaraderie, or else we feel distant from them. Then, there’s the other aspect to the marriage. Ever heard of a little something called confirmation bias? Once you’ve committed to a decision and you’re locked in (as transpires after the ol’ ball ‘n chain ritual beautiful exchanging of vows), you have to convince yourself you’re okay with that decision. For decades to come. It’s gonna be a long ride to the grave, so you’ll either lie and say you’re happy about it or try to get closer to them by doing whatever it is that they do. Like, drink.

We like to believe that opposites attract. And, in some respects, that’s true. If you’re an introverted type on the Meyers-Briggs, maybe an extrovert will ground you or bring you out of your shell. If you like science, maybe a hippie painter type can open the right side of your brain up. If you like adrenalinizing sports and your lover does yoga, maybe you can teach each other the joy of different things. However, trying new things requires a level of effort. The way we relate and build rapport is by what we have in common. So, at least some of the stuff we’re doing when we’re together should definitely be a common interest or a shared activity – whether it’s enjoying a beer, meal, or movie together.

So, where does that leave you?

Keep reading to find out…