fault

In the midst of a (friendly on my part) debate about the step program, I was asked:

“How is saying ‘we’re invariably at fault’ not psychological abuse?”

And, to be honest, I had to pause for a moment.

And see if that was even something I wanted to defend.

Because, for me, the step program’s been super helpful as far as serving (in part) as a basis for my recovery. That said, I don’t accept all of it. And that’s fine with me. My recovery’s mine and it’s been working beautifully for years. (Even in the midst of 2016 prematurely winning the “worse-year-since-benzo-detox” award). So, after thinking about it, I admitted to my sorta sardonic conversationalist, “Yeah, I can see how that sounds kinda callous.” I mean, after all, we have genetic tendencies, some of us. Or the emotional turmoil led us there.

So, yeah.

What’s happened to you? Not your fault.

But, when you think about it, is it really abusive for you or I to accept accountability for any of our adult behavior? Now, I mean? Shouldn’t we accept it? I’m not a drug puppet. No one’s pulling my strings unless I let them. I mean, sure, my emotional response to past events or people induced a feeling where I thereafter wanted to use. Absolutely. But if that bad stuff already happened – it’s over; it’s not happening now. So, why keep using it as an excuse to use now? What’s that do? What does blaming my parents, rapist, society, anything – on my bad habits do for me now? Does it change what happened to me? Not so far. Does polluting my flesh vessel with chemicals? Nope. Does either fix what happened to me? Not as of yet.

And how about the “genetic” defense?

Well, if I know that’s a tendency, I should’ve kinda known better than to pick up. Even if it’s “not fair” that everyone else is normal and can manage their elixirs, there’s no appeal system to reality. You must just accept it or suffer. And how about if I didn’t know I had a hereditary tendency? Then it was still my choice to say, “Heh. Look at that. I can’t seem to manage my libations the way my buddies do. Buuut it takes my mind off my mind. And it’s easier than seeking help. So, even though I’ve punched a dude in the face and been invited to spend the evening with the law authorities… I’mma keep drinking anyway.” There’s no shame in accepting that accountability. In fact, there’s freedom in it. Freedom from the prison of old thinking that doesn’t serve me. It allows me to move on and reinforce how important it is not to carry on like that any longer. No matter how naturally it comes. I must learn another way to be.

(Don’t leave it *or* hide in that mug, buddy.
Hit the recovery dojo, train your brain biceps, cut some “victimhood” weight, get back in the reality ring, and… beat that motherfluffer *back*.)

It’s also a reminder that I can’t alter reality – or the past.

All I can alter is my own behavior.

Now.

Right now, I can choose not to employ something that’s the opposite of a solution. I can choose to in lieu seek guidance, self-help, whatever I need – even if it’s not in a step program. Noggin numbing doesn’t fix historical issues that continue accosting our subconscious minds. Seeking a reality based solution does. (Again, even if it’s not a step program.) When I don’t choose that – that’s my fault. And so is all of the subsequent behavior that goes along with the altered mindset that follows that choice. Rage episodes. Neglected relationships. Late arrivals to work. Nasty moods. That’s on me, my dude. Which means that the only “psychological abuse” I’ve suffered since my choice to pick up is of the self inflicted variety.

AKA a cognitive cocktail called “denial with a spritz of buck-passing”.

And that’s a drink even folks with lotsa clean time still hafta put down daily.