habits

Use this 3 step method to hack your bad habit now

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What’s the hardest part of breaking a bad habit?

Is it initiating the break? Knowing what to replace it with?

How about recognizing that you’re even about to do the habit?


“To crap on the carpet… or to not crap on the carpet…”

As someone with a master’s degree in addictive tendencies, I tend to think it’s a good combo of all three. Well, that and the fact that our brains are hardwired to resist routine-tweaking. On an evolutionary level, change can be dangerous. So the habits on which we’ve gotten by seem the safer bet. (Even if said habits aren’t exactly healthy for us.) In that way, our minds act like the mom who’s afraid of letting us play or ride our bikes past the driveway, where white panel vans might roam. So, we – many of us – tend to stay in the driveway and yards of our own minds and lives once we build them, never venturing into the change straightaways. The problem? Sometimes we put fertilizer in our front yard gardens that doesn’t serve us. The result? Bad habit plants spring up, blooming life ruining fruit. Sometimes it’s chemical. Sometimes it’s not. But the question only we can answer is: is it detrimental to my life? My spirit? My productivity? Relationships? Brain?

For me, of late, that answer’s yes.

Why?

Because my bad habit plants’ve grown from an inundation of internet seeds.

Sure, it could be worse. I could be numbing my head and nether regions with lewd media. I could rationalize that. I could say – it’s just social media. But, here’s the thing. Experts on the topic tend to agree: when novelty’s at your fingertips, addiction doesn’t sit far beyond that. Your brain’s addiction loop gets stuck on the anticipation/reward cycle that accompanies scrolling down an IG or Facebook feed. Sifting out entertainment diamonds that’re truly cubic zirconia – educing fleeting laughter, only to be forgotten as your mind demands the next ephemeral thrill. And the result? If I’m being totally objective, this alternate reality changes me. It makes me impatient. (Why not, when I’m accustomed to having what I want a tap away at all times?) It makes me lazy and uncreative. (What else would I expect when I’m passively enjoying the works of others, versus making my own?) It’s a time sink. (Think I’m lying? Tell me how long five minutes of squats versus Snapchat or Facebook feels?) And, next, is the disconnection. Often, there’s a schism between the digital manifestation of others and how they are in real time. Likewise, there’s a similar schism between how we view them, how they really are, and our concern of whether they feel the same way about us. (Have that friend who always lauds your awesomery and talks about meeting up with you online? But never actually does?) Then, finally, do you ever notice how much easier it is to be cold, standoffish, or unempathetic when you’re interacting with the digital (or text message) version of someone?


(I like zero point zero of these effects this habit has on me…)

Now for the irony.

While this all collectively makes me feel more disconnected, upset, uninspired, and unproductive, do you wanna know what I turn to the moment those bad feelings come? More of the same. I’m back in my addicted habit backyard, diddling my dome with bits of information I don’t need, in hopes that something will appease the very demons it’s created. And that’s the point when I ask myself, “Alright, then. So, what’s the answer – now that I’ve confirmed I can’t turn to the internet every time I’m feeling down?”

Well, the first step’s the prep work.

1. REPLACEMENT ACTIVITIES

What would you be willing to replace it with? (Keeping in mind that “It” might not be social media for you. “It” might be anything from the darker areas of the internet, to the new Duck Donuts the cruel cosmos inimically implanted not a block away from your abode.) It can be simple. Making a cup of tea. Doing twenty squats. Leashing up your pup and wandering to the park. (That last one tends to be a favorite of mine; Einstein always adhered to leaving the scene of his problem entirely for a walk, as it helped him gain clarity and a new perspective.)

Then, once you’ve got that?

2. “HALT” FOR TRIGGER IDENTIFICATION

Next’s the recognition phase. That slanted moment – from feeling an unfavorable feeling to plummeting off the precipice – is a slippery one. So, the sooner you can recognize the fuel that makes braking seem less favorable than mashing the accelerator, the better. What are you feeling? Some of the best addiction professionals’ve come up with an epic acronym for this called H.A.L.T.. Are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? It’s said that these are the states at which we’re at our worst. (Though, as someone dealing with chronic pain, I’d add “Hurting” to that first “H”; ’cause I’m a shrew when consumed by pain.) Whatever feeling you wanna implant or add in that acro, the takeaway remains the same: we’ve got the least amount of willpower when we’re in a weakened state. So, identify that, and it’s half the battle.

The other half of that battle?

3. FIVE SECOND RULE

Actually doing something about it. And this is where the malevolent enemy of change, mentioned above, steps in. The one that wants us to stay, playing in the dark yard of our consciousness – comfortable in the chaos. Behavior and addiction specialists suggest that, when we give our brains too much room to mull over a good course of action – we’re less likely to do it. Our chances of talking ourselves out’ve a superior move, puts us into body pause. Freezes us in fear. We have outstanding plans for habit change, but that doesn’t matter. The rational sections of our psyche could perform a whole Powerpoint presentation with charts and graphs about the imminent 100% success rate of making the change. Yet, we resist, many of us. Why? Because of that aforementioned, evolutionary construct programmed within us to resist the unknown – no matter how good an idea it seems.

And that’s where the five second rule comes in. Your countdown to actual action.

However simple it sounds – it’s even simpler. All you do, is your HALT method (figure out what you’re feeling). Then, you opt not to act on your habit (because you know it’s just a palliative band-aid for your weak state). Next, you remember what your replacement ritual’s gonna be. (Squats? Go for a stroll with Rover? Hit up the dojo where you can legitimately hit things and get exercise in?) And, then, finally, you perform a five second countdown. What the five second countdown does, is give you deadline whereafter you have to act. It’s like a chemical reaction. Instead of an abstract concept, your new habit’s like an end product on the other side of your thinking-about-it reactants. And the countdown’s a catalyst. A mentally energetic enzyme that courses from your cognition to your body, demanding you to move into the next phase the moment the 5 seconds ends. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… and GO.

So, next time that nasty habit grabs you by scruff, strike back with a bit’ve H.A.L.T.

Then, follow with a 5 second countdown blastoff out’ve your habit backyard.

And then? Then you enjoy your journey out into those growth roads.

(If you look closely, that bird’s making a special excremental delivery right over Old Habit Blvd…)

Addicted to pity? Try this 30 day challenge

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I got asked this question in my Quora feed today:

Why do I always think things like “Maybe if I stopped eating as much, they’d feel bad for me” and similar thoughts?

And, honestly, it reminded me so much of at least a few friends I know.

You know the ones. Life’s always against them. You offer solace and advice – and they take the solace but not the advice. They tell themselves (and you) that your solutions won’t work because of reasons they (made up but) vehemently believe in. It’s frustrating. Here, you’re tryn’a be nice and they’re just harshing your vibe in return. Why are they so damned self centered? Admittedly, this is just what I was starting to think… when I had to stop myself short. Because: duh. I’ve been there before. The emotional sniper hunting down people and prizing their pity from them. I’m still there, in morose mode, some days. (Not a good look.) This is addiction. Not the drugs. Not the alcohol. The detrimental behavior that manifests in all sorts’ve isolating ways, including perpetual emotional extortion. Thus, I did my best to remember how my own non-logic operates when I do the same… and then offer the asker some hope for how to change it. (Which also helps me inasmuch as it’s reinforcement for how not to act the fool.) If you find yourself secretly giving into this shameful sympathy siphoning practice too, then maybe you’ll get something outta my answer. Here it is:

You asked why you keep thinking these things.

Ah, I hear you, man.

See, I’ve had these kinds of thoughts too. Especially in my teen years. Why? Well, I tend to think it’s because it feels good to feel relevant. Acknowledged. Like you matter. Most people crave attention that makes them feel unique in some way. And that’s normal. It’s also normal, in our shizophrenic society (where cute cat videos sit a millimeter apart on our Facebook feeds from footage of fit-for-the-undernet level violence), to mistake pity as an appropriate way to get that attention. Also, you may have some underlying unresolved issues going on to compound that proclivity. The problem with having your buddies throw pity parties for you, though, is that that validation can’t last forever. They’ll say something nice to make you feel better, the connection will feel good, and then they’ll move on back to their positive lives.

Without you.

No matter how saintly they are.


“It’s been real, baby, but I gots to go spread the rest of my awesome elsewhere…”

Bummer, right?

The thing is – unlike seeking advice for a legit issue (and then fixing it) – getting perpetual pity in and of itself doesn’t feel good. Why? Well, there’s no sustainable resolution to it. You have to keep going back for more – like a drug – which means you’re using people. They’re not even people anymore. Just a ceaseless sea of ego appeasers. Which makes you even more disconnected from humanity. What you crave is that fleeting connection where the attention’s on you. Someone’s making you feel special. Once they stop, though, there you are – sad again because of A.) whatever initial thing was bothering you enough to seek pity in the first place, and B.) the feeling of loss because the dude or dudette in question’s no longer there making you feel better about yourself.

Pity-receiving breeds negativity because it’s a negative thing.

Sure, you’re getting the spotlight for a sec, but it’s coming from a sense of loss and longing and solipsistic thoughts. It’s easy validation. Not some success you’ve toiled to accomplish. However, there’s hope. It’s hard, but I promise – it’s worth it. First, you can build your own sense of affirmation by doing self-affirming things. Daily exercise. Trying a new sport. Learning a new language. Taking a class. All those things content, well-rounded people who never seem to seek pity are doing. Just start small. This isn’t a competition against anyone – except who it is you’ve been up ’til now.


(Make yourself work for that “winner” feeling at least once a day.)

And speaking of those people worth emulating, let’s swing that spotlight over to the human who was kind enough to help you out. The person who seemingly has their shiz together enough to offer you their ear – or shoulder to cry on. The person who’s offering you positive vibes and high hopes and then returning to their lives after you chat. Would you rather be that sort of person? Or how you are right now? Before you say that you could never be the gleeful type, don’t fret. You don’t have to. All you need to be is okay. Sometimes happy. Sometimes sad. But always able to deal with either. In other words: a better version of yourself. And you know what? Really, that other person we’re talking about… is just like you. They have their own life issues. Their own insecurities. Their own times when they need a helping hand or to call on a friend. But you wanna know what sets them apart? How they choose to respond to those feelings. We all can can choose. If they call a friend, they likely listen to the solution being offered, internalize it, and act on it. (Versus just getting the emotional fix without fixing the issue itself.) That’s the hard part for many. Because if you fix the true problem, you can’t get the pity induced high anymore. Which means you have to start working from within to get your kicks. Which means giving up the emotional welfare check from external sources. You don’t have to feel ashamed that you’ve been doing this. You probably didn’t even realize you were. Just know that feeding into this way’s not serving you anymore. Know that something far better awaits you if you can find the willingness to change.

And you wanna know the other thing that sets these guys apart?

It’s the fact that they’re in on this little secret.

A game changer.

Something as simple in theory as it is tough to do.

Something that-…

Alright, alright.

Here it is:

These people know that by redirecting the focus off themselves – and onto helping someone else – that they can potentially help both the receiver and themselves. (After all, that’s what they did with you, isn’t it?) They feel good because it’s nice break from the exhaustion of constantly focusing on themselves and they feel worthy and relevant – the moment you say “thank you for letting me vent” or “I appreciate your advice”. A little gratitude’s very validating. And that right there’s a legitimate, symbiotic connection. One that’s positive. One that lasts. And one that elevates them through the day so that they don’t need to do things like seek out the next fleeting sympathy fix.

I appreciate that you asked why you think these thoughts – not how to change.

But I can’t help but think you asked why because it’s bothering you.

Which means you probably do want these thoughts to go away.

The good news is that’s totally possible. The less easy to hear news, is that you need to meet that change halfway. If you wanna modify your thoughts – to feel good – then I’ve got a little challenge for you. You up for it? Yes? Oh, good. First: Do something self-affirming every day this month. Whether it’s going for a run, joining a dojo, meditation, working on an art project, whatever – do something on the daily that makes you feel accomplished and kinda bad azz.

Second thing? Seek someone out to ask about their day. Then (and this part’s important) listen closely when they talk. Find a detail about what they say – and then use it to ask a follow up question. Be interested – even if you’re not. (Yes, you read that right.) And if they seem kinda bummed out, then try relating to them and expressing empathy. This means that you can put all your insecure feelings that were formerly launching parties o’ pity to use – by sharing how you’re going through it too. Sometimes it’s helpful for others to hear they’re not alone. Just take care not to turn it into a conversation about you. Because this isn’t about wallowing – for either’ve you. In fact, when you tell your tale of woe, hope should be on its heels. That’s where you get to share how you got yourself unstuck from a rut. What you do when you feel the same way to feel good about yourself again. And then, if they’re wise, they’ll internalize it and follow suit eventually. And you? You’ll feel great knowing your savvy gained from self affirmation served a purpose. Indeed, the first time I learned that the antidote to insecurity was setting my selfishness aside was a total mindblow for me.


“WHY THE FLUFF AM I ONLY LEARNING THIS NOW?!”

TLDR; I’ll tell you: try this for a month, and it’ll change your world. If you build a basic foundation of self-affirmation and worthiness first, then you’ll feel worthwhile enough to be a better attention giver. And when you learn to be a better attention giver, it’ll change your life forever. Everyone’ll love you for it. And, in turn, you’ll feel so good, you won’t want people to feel bad for you anymore.

You won’t want anyone to feel bad at all.

You’ll just want to keep spreading these epic vibes you’re giving off.

Best of luck, friend.

Hypnosis for addiction?

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When I was first cleaning up my body machine, I was all about hypnosis.


(Mmyes – that’s close – but a bit more modern. As in free and on Youtube.)

In fact, true to addict form, I got about a billion, put ‘em all on a playlist, and went on a lucid dreaming, outta body, slumber bender, peppered with narratives to lure my brain into a Frankensteinian new belief system of which prescriptions weren’t part. (Might explain my schizophrenic style nowadays, but let’s just go with it for now).
In any case, I noticed that some of them worked wonders by morning, while others were about as helpful as having it read aloud by Ben Stein set to a backdrop of elevator muzak. And while some of that may have had to do with how effective the narrator or script was, in retrospect, I realize far more of it probably had to do with me. How willing was I to let go of whatever I was trying to change? Stuff having to do with chemical dependency? Sure, I’d been ready to quit and tapering myself down for a year. This was a long time coming. But what I didn’t realize initially was that chemicals weren’t the only addiction. My thought habits were just as bad. And in order to tweak those other, more ingrained habits, it meant I had to combat laziness, fear, or both. Needless to say, I didn’t do so well initially. Mostly because I wasn’t able to accept that bloody abject terror was at the center of my unwillingness to alter my internal compulsions. But once I did come to understand that, I understood something else. Something very important: that if I didn’t drag that fear by the balls out into the light to change these other habits, the chemical ones would likely come back.

I dunno if this is backed by science, but ask yourself this: how often – when you’re obsessing over a bad thought – does a freight train full of other, seemingly unrelated ones seem to follow? Wouldn’t it make sense, then, that in order to change one – you have to address them all? It’s like a van full of children who inspire the others to start wailing when one starts doing it. Sure, you can just beat the thoughts into submission, but (theoretically) much like the children, they’ll just cry harder. So, what do you do? Give them candy to get them to STFU – or in our case, a redirected focus. I avoid the term “distraction” because it doesn’t necessarily mean supplanting an old thought with an improved one. A distraction could be porn or food or both (which, if you’re an addict, may just land you a combo case of carpal tunnel, a computer virus, and obesity). What hypnosis, on the contrary, can allow is putting you into an open enough mode to modify these things.

Or, as the Hypnotherapy Directory puts it:

Hypnosis involves being in a focused state of attention internally. While under hypnosis, suggestions are directed to the unconscious mind, which is normally not possible because of the interference from the conscious mind. Recreational drugs do not have to be what people turn to when they need an outlet and hypnosis can help you find these different paths.

However, open state or not –you must enter the sesh with a willingness (from the conscious mind) to change before any good can happen. It sounds nice in theory – being willing and open and all. But what that means is that if something is really hard (like entertaining new thoughts or beliefs versus ones that’re currently failing you), you do it anyway. (This can be especially hard if you get that one Scottish narrator with a lisp, can’t take him seriously, and start laughing so hard at 1 in the morning that your neighbors can hear you). And that’s where the integrity comes in – not just “what you’re doing when no one’s looking” – but the concept of being willing to integrate what you truly want to change into all facets of your life. Consciously. As humans, we just have to resolve that we do indeed want those long term things more than we want the instant-gratification stuff.

That’s why, while hypnosis can be great, I feel like (at least when it comes to addiction) it’s not the only answer. On the surface, it seems like a first class golden ticket out of a hard habit (because you get to be unconscious while you have the software installed), but it doesn’t necessarily stick when you do it that way. I’m not saying it can’t. I’m just saying that I’ve noticed how the only changes that’ve stuck for me have been the ones I supplement with a proactive interest, diligent openness to recognize my defects, and willingness to change them while I’m awake.

If that sounds like you too, then mayhaps buy some books on how to spark the change you want. Listen to TED talks about it. See if any non-hypnotists on Youtube have anything to enlighten you with on the topic. See a shrink or hit up a support group. (Also, if you’re trying to use it to come off a chemical dependency versus just avoiding craving one you’ve quit, know that you’ll need to handle the physical as well as psychological side of it with a real doc.) The idea is to supplement your subconscious foundation with some resonating truth you can jibe with. Something that clicks. That way, you’ll actually have lessons filed away to reflect on when life hits you in the face like a slingshot launched cinder block.

A lesson itself that took me more than a few swings of the Youtube pocketwatch to realize.