hacks

Use this 3 step method to hack your bad habit now

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What’s the hardest part of breaking a bad habit?

Is it initiating the break? Knowing what to replace it with?

How about recognizing that you’re even about to do the habit?


“To crap on the carpet… or to not crap on the carpet…”

As someone with a master’s degree in addictive tendencies, I tend to think it’s a good combo of all three. Well, that and the fact that our brains are hardwired to resist routine-tweaking. On an evolutionary level, change can be dangerous. So the habits on which we’ve gotten by seem the safer bet. (Even if said habits aren’t exactly healthy for us.) In that way, our minds act like the mom who’s afraid of letting us play or ride our bikes past the driveway, where white panel vans might roam. So, we – many of us – tend to stay in the driveway and yards of our own minds and lives once we build them, never venturing into the change straightaways. The problem? Sometimes we put fertilizer in our front yard gardens that doesn’t serve us. The result? Bad habit plants spring up, blooming life ruining fruit. Sometimes it’s chemical. Sometimes it’s not. But the question only we can answer is: is it detrimental to my life? My spirit? My productivity? Relationships? Brain?

For me, of late, that answer’s yes.

Why?

Because my bad habit plants’ve grown from an inundation of internet seeds.

Sure, it could be worse. I could be numbing my head and nether regions with lewd media. I could rationalize that. I could say – it’s just social media. But, here’s the thing. Experts on the topic tend to agree: when novelty’s at your fingertips, addiction doesn’t sit far beyond that. Your brain’s addiction loop gets stuck on the anticipation/reward cycle that accompanies scrolling down an IG or Facebook feed. Sifting out entertainment diamonds that’re truly cubic zirconia – educing fleeting laughter, only to be forgotten as your mind demands the next ephemeral thrill. And the result? If I’m being totally objective, this alternate reality changes me. It makes me impatient. (Why not, when I’m accustomed to having what I want a tap away at all times?) It makes me lazy and uncreative. (What else would I expect when I’m passively enjoying the works of others, versus making my own?) It’s a time sink. (Think I’m lying? Tell me how long five minutes of squats versus Snapchat or Facebook feels?) And, next, is the disconnection. Often, there’s a schism between the digital manifestation of others and how they are in real time. Likewise, there’s a similar schism between how we view them, how they really are, and our concern of whether they feel the same way about us. (Have that friend who always lauds your awesomery and talks about meeting up with you online? But never actually does?) Then, finally, do you ever notice how much easier it is to be cold, standoffish, or unempathetic when you’re interacting with the digital (or text message) version of someone?


(I like zero point zero of these effects this habit has on me…)

Now for the irony.

While this all collectively makes me feel more disconnected, upset, uninspired, and unproductive, do you wanna know what I turn to the moment those bad feelings come? More of the same. I’m back in my addicted habit backyard, diddling my dome with bits of information I don’t need, in hopes that something will appease the very demons it’s created. And that’s the point when I ask myself, “Alright, then. So, what’s the answer – now that I’ve confirmed I can’t turn to the internet every time I’m feeling down?”

Well, the first step’s the prep work.

1. REPLACEMENT ACTIVITIES

What would you be willing to replace it with? (Keeping in mind that “It” might not be social media for you. “It” might be anything from the darker areas of the internet, to the new Duck Donuts the cruel cosmos inimically implanted not a block away from your abode.) It can be simple. Making a cup of tea. Doing twenty squats. Leashing up your pup and wandering to the park. (That last one tends to be a favorite of mine; Einstein always adhered to leaving the scene of his problem entirely for a walk, as it helped him gain clarity and a new perspective.)

Then, once you’ve got that?

2. “HALT” FOR TRIGGER IDENTIFICATION

Next’s the recognition phase. That slanted moment – from feeling an unfavorable feeling to plummeting off the precipice – is a slippery one. So, the sooner you can recognize the fuel that makes braking seem less favorable than mashing the accelerator, the better. What are you feeling? Some of the best addiction professionals’ve come up with an epic acronym for this called H.A.L.T.. Are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? It’s said that these are the states at which we’re at our worst. (Though, as someone dealing with chronic pain, I’d add “Hurting” to that first “H”; ’cause I’m a shrew when consumed by pain.) Whatever feeling you wanna implant or add in that acro, the takeaway remains the same: we’ve got the least amount of willpower when we’re in a weakened state. So, identify that, and it’s half the battle.

The other half of that battle?

3. FIVE SECOND RULE

Actually doing something about it. And this is where the malevolent enemy of change, mentioned above, steps in. The one that wants us to stay, playing in the dark yard of our consciousness – comfortable in the chaos. Behavior and addiction specialists suggest that, when we give our brains too much room to mull over a good course of action – we’re less likely to do it. Our chances of talking ourselves out’ve a superior move, puts us into body pause. Freezes us in fear. We have outstanding plans for habit change, but that doesn’t matter. The rational sections of our psyche could perform a whole Powerpoint presentation with charts and graphs about the imminent 100% success rate of making the change. Yet, we resist, many of us. Why? Because of that aforementioned, evolutionary construct programmed within us to resist the unknown – no matter how good an idea it seems.

And that’s where the five second rule comes in. Your countdown to actual action.

However simple it sounds – it’s even simpler. All you do, is your HALT method (figure out what you’re feeling). Then, you opt not to act on your habit (because you know it’s just a palliative band-aid for your weak state). Next, you remember what your replacement ritual’s gonna be. (Squats? Go for a stroll with Rover? Hit up the dojo where you can legitimately hit things and get exercise in?) And, then, finally, you perform a five second countdown. What the five second countdown does, is give you deadline whereafter you have to act. It’s like a chemical reaction. Instead of an abstract concept, your new habit’s like an end product on the other side of your thinking-about-it reactants. And the countdown’s a catalyst. A mentally energetic enzyme that courses from your cognition to your body, demanding you to move into the next phase the moment the 5 seconds ends. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… and GO.

So, next time that nasty habit grabs you by scruff, strike back with a bit’ve H.A.L.T.

Then, follow with a 5 second countdown blastoff out’ve your habit backyard.

And then? Then you enjoy your journey out into those growth roads.

(If you look closely, that bird’s making a special excremental delivery right over Old Habit Blvd…)

Is compassion the key to hacking your addict mindset?

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A lot of what spurred active addiction for me was disconnectedness.

I mean, if we’re being honest, it still spurs my bad sober behavior.

You know what I mean? The feeling that you’re oh so separate from everyone and they’re judging you? That they’re out to get you? That maybe even life is out to get you? It’s so easy to get to that place. (I’m there at at least one point, every day.) Once you get the scolding voice from your childhood following you around, serving as the somber soundtrack for every step you make, it’s tough to silence it. It’s tough to even remember that it’s there. We just come to convince ourselves that our dismal inner voice is us. That it is truth. (Versus the Frankensteinian monster it is – of opinion pieces someone else issued us when we were more impressionable.)

After a time, we come to expect that everyone – not just the people who said it in the first place, outta their own self-loathing – is thinking those negative things about us. Then again, some of us get that voice via horrible happenstance. Things we incurred long the way. Sure, there are innumerable ways to gain that same, malevolent inner voice. But – whatever it was – when you’re programmed to believe something, it’s an easy mentality to rest on. No matter how destructive it is.

The problem with getting comfortable with that mindset, though?

Well, once you enter the world, that person (the self-loathey unhappy one) is the person who interacts with others. And half the time you don’t even realize you’re acting cold. You’re just trying to survive these social interactions unscathed. But you know how that comes off to others? Cold and callous. See, they don’t know about your deep seated insecurities. Or that that’s why you’re kinda standoffish. They don’t know that you were emotionally victimized early on. That you survived an assault or war. They just see your hackles raised and respond in kind. It’s nothing personal. It’s just that when you seem either scary faced or scared, the natural reaction’s to feel scared, too. Your expression represents a threat. So peeps unconsciously reflect it back.

The problem is, when you don’t even realize the vibe you’re giving off, you just assume they’re being douchey to you. The truth? They’re actually mirroring your snarl. A lot like those above dogs. (It happens unwittingly a lot of the time, via these things called “mirror neurons”.) In fact, speaking of dogs, this happened to me the other day. I was in the midst of grieving my shih-tzu’s death. And, in an effort to go through the motions of living, I left home and did my daily routine. Now, even though I wasn’t crying, I had a social zone of inhibition around me like an antibiotic pellet plopped in bacterial agar. No one wanted near me. And, sure, part of me wanted to say “The whole world’s against me; why are these people such arseholes when I’m having such a bad week?” But another part of me realized something, too. (Granted, not til I caught my own reflection in the loo moments later and wondered why a disheveled, escaped war prisoner was staring me down.) People weren’t confirming my worst fears about life and humanity being after me. They weren’t mean mugging me. They were mirroring me and my crazed, dazed, and distant countenance. And that led to yet another epiphany.

This was me. This was me on my worst day. I – who’ve become generally jovial once around strangers – now look like the bad guy. I look like the douchebag who just barks out his coffee orders without making eye contact with the cashier. I look like the self centered snob with a bad case of RBF. And, to my mom, I looked like the kinda arsehole who yells at the woman who gave her life because her dog’s is over. We never like to remember these moments. We want to forget them. Bury them away. They’re not representative of our “best selves”.

But, you know what?

These things are crucial to cling to.

Why? Because the next time you’re getting yelled at or patronized or dehumanized in some form, the tendency’s gonna be to say, “What an arsehole.” Which is fine. He or she’s being one. But he wasn’t born one. That’s not who he is every day. He has a whole life. There’s just a thorn at the center of it ATM that’s making him take it out on you. And, haven’t you done that before? When you lost someone you loved? When you beefed it out with your boss and got fired? Haven’t I? When my dog died? When the school of my dreams I worked so hard to get into rejected me?

“Wasn’t that me?”

It looks so different on the outside, doesn’t it? When someone else is wearing it?

It sho’ nuff does. But it’s been all of us at some point. And the idea’s not to run away from these facets of ourselves – or other people when they’re displaying them. It’s to lean into both’ve them. That said, I’m not saying that the key’s to tell Hulkasaurus Rex, “I know how you feel.” (That’d piss me off. It does every time, in fact. All it tells me is that A.) you’re a know it all and B.) you think you know me.)

No. It’s not to tell anyone anything. It’s to ask.

Ask the question:

“Are you okay, man?”

The trick is, you have to mean it. How? By relating. First, internally. (Which is a lot easier to do when I remember those touchtone phone robots that put me on eternal hold and misinterpret everything I say and piss me off just thinking about them.) And then, externally, by asking the person what’s going on. (Without going into your own sob story.) And that’s the difference between some feigned, saccharine pity party and genuine compassion. With the former, you’re trying to get something out of it. You want them to either stop being a douche or maybe you want to feel superior or make them like you. With compassion, contrarily, you’re trying to connect by relating.

Quick protip aside… Make sure it’s more like this:

And less like this:

And why the eff should you want to connect with D-bag McGee?

Good question. Here’s the answer: Because D-bag McGee’s not always warranting that moniker. He’s not that way all the time. He’s still human, born from the same star sharts as you and I were. He’s got pain. Somewhere in his brain or body, that dude’s straight up suffering. Just like you do sometimes. And if that feeling of disconnectedness from humanity – of loneliness – is a top contributing factor in active addiction or any of the bad habits that make any of us cling to unhappiness, then guess what? Connecting’s an optimal way to help quell it. We must just remember. By remembering that we too have our douchey moments, we can recall that that broody mood we see on someone else is just a mask. And we can ask a compassionate question that just might get the connective convo ball rolling.

Anecdotal case in point to end this already too-long article?

I do this all day long in my P.T. clinic with pissed off people in pain.


(Put me on that recumbent bike again and *you’ll* need therapy!)

Granted, I get paid for it – but I do it all day.

And I always thought they obviously left looking mentally better than when they walked in because, duh, were a place of healing. They’re working on healing injuries and stuff. But the more I work there, the more I realize that’s not so. People without any painful injuries come in there too. They’ve got Parkinson’s or balance issues or whatever. No pain. But they’re still pissed off. Because dysfunction sucks. And you know what? Even they leave beaming. Why? I didn’t know for a while. All I knew is that I went home at night happy. I was tired, but happy – because they were, and I played a part in that transformation. Despite my fatigue after a 9 hour day of work, I don’t want to use. I don’t feel like giving into abusive bad-habit behavior, either. I feel fulfilled because I make grumpy people happy all day – that hadn’t been when they hobbled in. Then, one day, it hit me. I get why these people egress P.T. with grins. It’s because that clinic’s probably the only place where they have someone genuinely look them in the eye all day and ask in a non-perfunctory fashion, “Are you okay today, Bob?”

Imagine if we did that with every douchey mood we encountered.

Maybe we could all go home happy, clean, and serene – instead’ve disconnected.

7 habits that’ll make relapse almost impossible

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Having a good support group’s crucial to keeping chemical hankerings at bay.

But you know what else is necessary in recovery?

Willpower.

See, willpower’s this often misunderstood concept. When it comes to cravings of any kind – be it a dab of crack or a twelve layer cheesecake crusted in fudge bits – no matter how great our network is, it takes a bit of our own intrinsic willpower to say “Nuclear nope” or “Ah, maybe it’ll be alright this one time…” And where’s the disparity? The disparity comes from willpower – which isn’t merely this force we summon from ourselves while reluctantly gritting our teeth. Rather, it’s simultaneously like a muscle you train and a health bar in a video game. The idea’s that – because we spend so much of our days expending mental energy on immaterial bullshiz (“Is it better to use ‘regards’ or ‘sincerely’ in my email?”…”Should I get the tall or the grande?”…”Does this emoji aptly capture my mood?”), – that we steal cerebral effort from the more salient life selections we hafta make later. And, while some argue that willpower’s not finite, what is definitely true is that all this decision making can indeed beat our brains down until making the right choices about far harder, far more life ‘n death stuff, is monumentally tougher later.

So, what’s the answer?

Why, to send your willpower over to Equinox all day long for some next level lifting, of course. You’ve gotta train it like a muscle. And, much like going to the actual gym, building willpower is more of a long-term practice than some abracadabra hack you do. By fortifying the other areas of your life that have nada to do with your obsessions or fixations, those habits begin to ingrain themselves into your brain – your identity – until deferring dope’s about tantamount to turning down tiramisu during your diet. Sound preposterous? Alright, you can go ahead and laugh. But the fact is that, remiss as I’ve been in attending my own support meetings for the past year (not something I’d suggest by any means), I’ve still managed to remain clean and serene for the past two and a half years by building my life’s base on the following tips:

1. Make decisions – and fast.

I touched on this briefly above. But the faster you can tell the cashier what you want, whether it’s a lotto ticket or all the money in the drawer (just kidding; seeing if you’re still awake or if decision fatigue’s gotten to you) – the better. Just make a quick decision, deliberate less, and you’ll suffer less cerebral fatigue for important matters later.

2. Construct rules you don’t allow yourself to violate

I think this is why I live my life so by-the-numbers now. Some buddies of mine dub me a scheduling nazi. And while I find the comparison to a 1930’s German murderer somewhat hurtful and offensive, I guess I am sort of committing a mass murder on a race – the race of thoughts plaguing my brain when I have to decide every A.M. whether to work out or what to eat. (“Yes and fruit. Next matter of business, please.”) In a way, I think this is just one of the many reasons squeaky clean-ifying my diet was so attractive to me. If avoiding animal products and working out daily is just “what I do” – when it’s just part of my own rules – I don’t have to decide whether or not to follow them when I wake up apathetic and don’t wanna. I just do it anyway. When there are no options, “want” is not an option.

3. Alter your environment to fit your plan

You hear a lot in recovery about eradicating reservations – from tossing your bong to flushing your pills. And if you do the same for your other categories of living, it gets that much easier. Don’t wanna give into your dark chocolate butter cup face stuffing at midnight anymore? Then don’t buy the candy at the store. If it’s not in your fridge now, you can’t binge later. Don’t wanna be a moody bish? Then stop hanging out with Debbie Depressive so much. I mean, def lend her a hand or an ear if she’s having a moment. It’s what we do in recovery. But don’t get sucked socially into the land of sad quicksand with her in the process. Know when to pull out. (Also: that’s what she said.) Or – if you’re Mary Morose yourself, then mayhaps recruit a group of happier peeps to hang with and – in the meantime – inundate your consciousness with Tony Robbins level inspo and motivation. Do that, first, and then, more organically will your tribe change when you wake up and realize who’s around you.

4. Envisage the sitch beforehand

This one can be tricky. The idea’s not to ruminate and worry about how awkward you’re gonna be in a given social interaction. Rather, by mentally mapping out how you’re going to survive Christmas with the fam sans Sauvignon or avoid getting sucked into the smoke rotation when you have to stop by the old hood to pick up some stuff from your former apartment, you can have preparatory armor in place to prevent problems. Start doing this with simpler stuff – like what you’ll order when you go to the Sakura Steakhouse. (I myself tend to stick with ordering whatever I can pronounce less badly… and am ready to do deep breathing and crack a joke when the sake lady walks by.)

5. Remember your identity

This kinda goes hand in hand with that rule remodeling thing I mentioned a couple tips up. When it’s who you are and what you do, then arguing with it’s futile. This is who you are. This is who you decided you wanted to be because you knew it’d serve you. Right now, if you’re arguing with that, that’s just because it feels difficult. Still working on that identity? Then cogitate on the persona you want for yourself and then match that with habits that you turn into personal laws.

6. Map tomorrow out tonight

Each night I write a nightly itinerary out like a screenplay for my tomorrow movie starring me and everyone fortunate enough to bask in my imminent awesome. Seriously, though. This might be the best habit hack I ever invited into my life. By planning everything that’s gonna initiate eight (okay, fine – five) hours from now, at the end of my day when I’m already tired, two things happen. First, it spends the next several hours soaking into my subconscious neuron sponge. And, second, it’s one less worry to concern myself with tomorrow so I won’t have to decide what to do when. (Much less get existential with myself and start asking if I really wanna do it and what that means for me on a greater, cosmic level if I opt out. Especially when it’s about whether or not to take out the trash.)

7. Act on inspo immediately

And, finally, willpower’s not just about avoiding things. To stay a positive course, you’ve gotta have a positive draw. This is why, in those rare moments when inspiration comes to you (“Maybe I’ll take a self-defense class” or “I should go back to school”), you do something semi-immediately (in the next several minutes) to hold yourself accountable to doing that. Whether it’s calling up the gym to set an appointment or signing up for the courses you wanna take, the idea’s to do something pronto, so you can’t backpedal Homer Simpson style later. (Or at least it’s a lot harder, too.) The idea here, is that – whether you’re inspired to call your lonely aunt, take out the trash, or get your doctorate – you’re catching an inkling to do something that’ll ultimately boost your self-esteem. And, as some dude smarter than I am once said, self-esteem’s the reputation we have with ourselves. And I say that – without that – we’re kinda doomed to have our willpower foundation fall apart. And everything else, too.

So, never ignore the inspo. Cast a line, reel it in, and use it to fuel the other six tips.

I get that some of these tips might seem totally irrelevant to that “burning desire” you’re going through right now. But I promise – heed these tips and they’ll bleed over into more important stuff. ’cause when you start teaching your head organ how to abide by standards (and cultivate an atmosphere that aids in that path), you won’t go into cerebral freeze up mode so easily every time it comes to the crunch – deciding whether or not to send your life up in flames for a fix.

So… what will you do to replenish your will power bar today?

Better decide quickly 😉