love addiction

Detox From Your Ex Obsession Today (Part 2)

Leave a Comment

So, you know by now you need to end the cycle of obsession with your ex.

But why is it so hard to stop?

Because… each interaction you have with them – whether it’s happening with them or in your mind – is just like taking a drug. It’s a literal hit of dopamine. You get a flood of feel-good chemicals. Seeing their picture is like a fine glass of wine. Reviewing text messages is like a vicodin. A text message? A kiss? A sexual encounter? Pure heroin. So we do what we can to sustain that high. As one life coach describes it, it’s like “microdosing”. Getting little hits and highs from the wrong guys and girls for you. And it extends to toxic relationships of all kinds. Maybe your ex has actively come back into your life, only to give you bits and pieces. You get to see them on Friday night and then don’t hear from them for a week. They send you a non-committal message, and then don’t respond when you respond back. They keep one foot out the door and threaten to run if there’s any hint of a serious conversation. Yet, you stay. You stay to get those pieces. To bask in their presence. To revel in the glory that is this person made of fat and skin and bone, involuntary nocturnal farts, insomnia inducing snoring, and the literary prowess of a toddler gnawing on crayons. That’s the reality. Meanwhile, you’ve built them up in your mind to be some mythical and unattainable goal you chase. The dragon. The dragon that’s dragging you down in your pursuit of it.

TAKING ACTION TO END THE SPIRAL

The first step? That would be to realize that while this year’s madness may have precipitated the return to an unhealthy habit, that that can no longer be an excuse. If we’re going to live, we need to live. Fully and present. And this is most definitely keeping us from doing that. It is putting a despondent fog and a crazy making haze over our days. The yes and to this first step is the first step for any change that can ever be made – to realize that it is a problem. This cycle has happened how many times now? Once? Twice? Thrice? Four times? A cycle is a wheel. Four wheels move a car. And this car is taking you nowhere. Except maybe into the realm of cliche cat lady or mountain man mapping out conspiracy theories from his Appalachian trailer with a tinfoil hat.

ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO CHANGE?

The second step? To be willing to change. Being willing to change can be confusing. We often think of the goal – no longer being addicted to this person or the thought of them. That part sounds nice. But what we don’t think about is the hard work that we have to do in order to reach that status. When it comes to alcohol or narcotics or sex addiction, The “anonymous“ programs will typically follow the “one day at a time“ rule. For some people, this becomes more of one hour or minute at a time. Or it becomes a “one trigger at a time” rule.

The problem when it comes to a person, is often that the drug is no longer limited to a tangible experience. It’s not even the person that you are addicted to, but the idea of them. You get the text. Dopamine hit. Addiction cycle is rekindled. You see them online. Dopamine hit. Addiction is again rekindled. You make the mistake of sleeping with them. Not just a dopamine hit but now an oxytocin cocktail that has you so far down the spiral, it will take ages to pull yourself back up.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE DRUG IS IN YOUR OWN BRAIN?

So the triggers and fixes, while sometimes physical and real, also become our own thoughts and habits. And it can exist in the same thing we use for work, family, and healthy connection: our phone. How tempting is it to just scroll quickly over to their page between talking to your aunt on Facebook? And the rest of it is so second-nature that we may not even realize we’re doing it. The thought comes up to look them up. We do it without thinking. Or when we’re out with friends – wasting brunch with your girlfriends or beer with your boys talking about them. How about that lonely FOMO filled Friday where you feel like looking through your memories of that holiday you two spent in the mountains. (Ya know, the one that ended in a blowout fight because they started gaslighting you about something yet again?) Make no mistake. Each of these things is actively participating in your toxic attachment addiction. It’s a puff. A line. A swig. Just because the person is not there, does not make it any less harmful. It is just as bad.

DOING THE HARDEST THING VS. GENERATING RESERVATIONS

And sometimes, the hardest part is taking action. Maybe you can avoid actively talking to them or actively pulling up their profile. But you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t say you were secretly checking in on your phone every few hours (or more if we’re being honest) to see if they have gotten in touch yet. This is also an addictive thought pattern that releases that dopamine that keeps us hooked. The question is, can you cancel them before they have the chance to reel you back in? The only way to truly break an addiction to someone who is toxic, is to block them from any form of contact.

Right about now is when most people will begin to feel those reservations. Blocking? That seems extreme. Maybe this isn’t so big of an issue after all. You can manage it. That seems super extra. I mean, you had a history, after all. Or you had a connection. Or whatever other excuse there is. The bottom line is this: You let this person walk all over you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re the bad guy. But you let someone break or bend your boundaries. Who is at fault is no longer a concern. The only concern is that this is no longer under your control. Your interaction with them defiled your dignity. So it has to end. Where you were once a strong, independent, and beautiful soul (what may have attracted them to you in the first place), now you’re a shell of yourself. It’s very possible that you don’t do anything that you love anymore. That you just wait – marinating in your own obsession and hoping they return. In reality, the truth is that even if they did return, they’d smell that anxious desperation permeating through your pores and leave all over again. The bottom line is that it needs to end. The bottom line is that this is toxic. The bottom line is that you are making excuses and reservations because you’re afraid. Like so many addicts, you’re afraid of the emptiness that awaits when you cancel this addiction. But it’s time to be brave anyway. And here’s why.

There is hope.

NEUROPLASTICITY: YOUR BRAIN CAN BREAK THE OBSESSION

Experts on “love addiction” (I put the quotes because that’s just a euphemism for toxic and anxious attachment) have mapped it out for us. The “love” detox. On average, it takes about eight weeks. Eight weeks to “detox” from an obsession. The way this works is via something called neuroplasticity. Via this neural phenomenon, the brain can change within 30 to 90 days alone – if you keep practicing the same habit. That habit might be learning the piano. It might be painting. Or it might be, ya know, avoiding one trigger at a time for bad behavior connecting you back to your ex. The trick? To fill that time of avoiding triggers with something new. What goals, hobbies, passions, or other dynamics have you been missing out on so you could dedicate all of your energy to obsessing over someone who doesn’t remotely reciprocate your feelings? How much of life have you literally been throwing away? Go focus on that now. Everytime the urge emerges to text or check messages, go do that instead. Paint. Write. Put on those running shoes and run.


(Um… we said put *on* the running shoes. Not buy a bunch of new ones and trade your ex addiction for a shopping one…)

I won’t sugarcoat this bit.

It will feel literally painful. You won’t enjoy it. Not at first. But you will in time. And here’s why… As it becomes a habit to do a hobby when you have a craving, the replacement activity will start to become your new habit. For me, I like to do activities that leave no room for obsession. Training MMA, running high intensity intervals, and creating art or articles are just some of them. If you’re distracted during intense exercise or sparring, you risk injury. If there’s distraction with art, the art turns out terrible. So, find your replacement thing and do it. Caveat? Absolute, pure, and unmitigated “no contact”, as the pros call it. That means no actual interaction, of course. (Don’t reach out to them and don’t reply if they reach out to you – which they shouldn’t be able to because you blocked them.) But it also means you not interacting with any material relating to them. Even on your own. No picture revisiting. No checking for texts or online status. No pulling out the old movie theater tickets from your first date to cry over. Your subscription has been canceled.

DON’T BE A “DRY LOVE DRUNK” WHEN YOU END IT

I think sometimes people think that moving on has to be stoic and painful. And if taking on the martyr role gets you through that first phase of a breakup, that’s fine. For some, that’s a form of mourning. Giving a dead dynamic the grieving period it warrants. Especially if the connection was ever meaningful or positive before it disintegrated. But just know that you don’t have to get stuck there. The point of breaking an addiction isn’t to suffer in a new and interesting way. (In the “anonymous” rooms, I think they call this kinda behavior being a “dry drunk”.) People do this so they can say that they’re not happy with or without the person; that the only way they’ll ever be happy is to have them back. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because they’re not actively trying to fill their lives with anything else. They aren’t forming any replacement habits. Ultimately, they know they will return to the obsessive cycle because they never eliminated their reservations about just how much this way of being is destroying them. Let’s don’t be that guy.

A PRACTICAL APPROACH TO BEGINNING THE END

Start today. The approach is super simple. Make a list of all the habits you know are contributing to your own internal turmoil and demise. What is keeping you stuck in this loop of attachment addiction? Think of everything listed above. How frequently are you texting this person? Checking for their messages? Looking at their profiles or pictures you’ve saved in that hidden album of your phone? Thinking of them? Talking to family members or friends about them? Make that list. Call yourself out. And then, make a separate list. This will be a list of everything you want to do or focus on from now on that you’ve been inadvertently back-burnering. Then, every time the triggering feeling comes up to do anything from the first list, go to the second list and pick something from it. Maybe it’s watching a funny video. Maybe it’s taking the dog to the park. Maybe it’s hitting up the farmer’s market. Novelty and healthy decisions will become your new habit you crave because you force yourself to experience that any time a craving comes. Boom. Association.

I know this year has been hard. And nothing feels certain. But here’s a secret: nothing ever was. The only thing we can be sure of is that we’re all still alive. For now, at least. So, if we’re going to be alive, even if just for now, why not live that to the fullest? Doing what serves us, our spirit, and those around us? Don’t let the media deceive you into a false sense of hopelessness. You are worth more than settling. You are worth more than glass boundaries and a foundation made of sand. You just need to work to prove that to yourself. And it starts with this. Vaccinating yourself against a virus bigger than covid itself: this emotional, psychological, and spiritual herpes that’s been bringing you down each time you finally escape its clutches. This prison that’s been worse – and possibly farther reaching – than quarantine itself.

Best of luck on your chain breaking inoculation.

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 2)

Leave a Comment

So, we’ve established by now that it’s time to move on.

There’s no hope of getting back with your ex and the only way out is forward.

But… how? When our relache is playing on loop in our minds?

Simply put… by shutting the door on that chapter and detoxing from them.

As mentioned, science shows a parallel between nose candy and your former bae.

That’s not a theory or opinion. It’s a legitimate imaging study done between the brain on love versus cocaine. Now, for anyone here who’s suffered the hell of active addiction before, you may well recall the pain of withdrawal. It was pain on every level. Not just your brain. Your whole body hurt. The color was sucked from anything and everything fun you once enjoyed. It felt like it’d last forever and never change. But, then, one day… it did. Once you really, truly realize that the same thing is happening in your brain while going through withdrawal from a lover and a drug, you realize something important. What’s the one rule you had to follow in order to detox and avoid activating the addiction again? Do. Not. Use. Right? That’s the first rule. What people don’t realize, however, is that each time we take an action to feel re-connected to our ex, we are using. Read that again. Attempting to re-connect with our ex, even without them present, gives us a fix on a physiological level. We’re getting high off of them, in their absence. It’s the masturbatory version of having them around again because, in solitude, we use the thoughts and activities that link us to them to accomplish what their company would. Why are we like this? Because we get a brief, dopamine high from feeling nearer to them. And, half the time, we don’t even realize that’s what we’re doing. So let’s stop that today, shall we? Let’s review what counts as “using” and see who among us is as guilty as I have definitely been so very many times before.

First, there’s the hardest part: the thoughts.

Looping the good times makes you miss them. Recalling arguments makes you angry. Wondering what they’re up to. Imagining who they’re with now. These thoughts arise and we ride them into a sunset of our own insanity, unable to focus on anything else. Thoughts are so tough to overcome. The antidote? Taking your brain to the gym to hone your re-focusing muscle and build some self calming brawn. (AKA meditation.) Meditation is a great practice for learning how to give these thoughts the finger as soon as they pop up. How’s it work? Not at all how you think.


(This is 100% normal. Especially if you’re just starting out…)

First, you sit in quiet silence, focusing on your breathing. Inevitably, the thought comes up. And, inevitably, you’ll start going with that thought. Your chest tightens. Your heartbeat quickens. (“That bastard! That slut!”) Then, suddenly, you’ll realize a minute or two later that you’re meant to be meditating and get mad at yourself. Skip the getting mad step. Instead, immediately return to the deep calming breath, redirect your focus, and calm your central nervous system. I don’t care if you hitched to that bad thought for five seconds or five hours. Skip the self deprecation part. Why? Because that mental deviation is part of meditation. You don’t get strong by lifting no weight. And you don’t get strong by quitting after the first rep. So, know that this process will repeat. Let it. Let those awful thoughts come, combat them with your breath and attention, and continue on. What you’ll notice is that the more than you do this, the time it takes to return to your self calming breath will become briefer and briefer. What you’ll also notice is that this will become second nature – like muscle memory – later on when you’re actually interacting with the world functionally; not just when you’re sitting in some serene lotus posture beside your sage and citrus Yankee candle. It actually translates to the real world.

The second means of “using” is social media.


(Ooooh… homegirl broke out the laptop to see his new ho in high def…)

Maybe you innocently hopped on to check notifications.

But, within moments, you’re on the prowl.

Did he change his profile picture? Did she update her relationship status to single yet? Or worse – “in a relationship” again? With someone else? Did he re-friend that ex he was talking to on the sly all along? Is she online right now? If so, who’s she talking to? Technology adds an awful whole new layer we never had to deal with a couple decades ago. It deprives us of the Schroedinger’s cat element of breakups. (“Maybe he moved on; maybe he didn’t…”) There’s no good outcome that arises from doing this. So, why do we do it? Again, to get our fix. There’s the fleeting excitement while we wait for that page to load. It’s a gamble. Maybe there’s some news that will drive us even further into anxiety. Maybe there’s nothing, and we’ll still wonder what they’re up to. The cycle not only continues, but gets amplified. And the prospect of detox is even further away now that we’ve reignited that cycle. The fix to seeking our fix? In this case, it may mean avoiding social media or even just blocking your ex to avoid the temptation of seeing what they’re doing.

The third thing we do to us is quite similar.

It’s a habit that combines the first two. And that’s the “communication review”. Ever peruse your old text messages and conversations? In a way, it’s like you’re reliving your whole relationship again. The inside jokes. The pictures. And then… the arguments and cruel words. By the end of your phone scrolling, you’ve not only failed to help yourself detox. You’re literally right back where you were at the start – freshly broken up. No wound healing. No moving on. You’ve just brought everything to the surface – only to suffer again. The compulsion to use is even stronger when we ruminate.

It’s the classic insanity of returning to the source of our pain to assuage said pain.


(Re-reading rejection makes you feel devalued again. Self devalue make us use. What do we use? The thing that devalued us. Do you see the cycle?)

Fourth is what I like to call the drive by.

You know where he goes. Hangs out. Shops. Gets his gas. You know when she’ll get off work and what street she tends to drive down. Ask yourself the honest question, then: are you purposely passing through these places because you know they’ll be there at those times? Are you taking the long way home in hopes of seeing his car? And who might be in it with him? In the past, I’ve realized that I was doing this on a subconscious level. My denial was so strong, that I didn’t even realize I was taking the long road that passes by his street each day or hitting the Walmart only when I knew he might be there. I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out. It came as more of a question: “Do you realize you never take that way home whenever you guys are doing okay?” Ouch. The truth hurt. (Even though I totally got defensive and denied it at the time.) But it remained true. And what happened after that was that, when I did knowingly take the long way home, I felt even worse than before. I mean it felt bad before, but I didn’t know why. Now I knew, and that feeling was amplified. Because, now, I felt worse for a lack of seeing him (or seeing him, for that matter) and worse about myself for giving into my addiction yet again. Relapse induces feelings of worthlessness. We feel devalued all over again. So, save yourself the trouble of these self deprecating activities by not only quitting the intentional drive-bys, but by avoiding places they may be. Even if it means going out of your way to visit the other Walmart across town. Not forever. Just for now.

Fifth is the super cringe-y one I never thought I’d do: the mutual friend schmooze. So… you haven’t spoken to that couple with whom you’re mutually pals, his mom, his grandma, or anyone else you both know for well over a year. Then, the breakup happens. And, within moments, you’re sending funny memes to her sister or his grams, hoping that their positive vote for you will register with your errant ex. He’ll come back when he sees how great everyone else thinks you are. He won’t. Also, your motives are so obvious. I’ve seen this one from my recent ex’s exes so many times. One chick he dated previously would come visit his mom for coffee after they broke up. Another took out his sister on spa trips (using her daddy’s credit card, big baller of a barista that she was). I rolled my eyes at this one so hard. That is, until I was the ex and realizing I was seconds from sending a picture to his grandma I thought she’d find funny. Ew. No. Put the phone down. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. Or whatever other non gender or double gender options we have now, in 2019.


(“Let’s send him a selfie of us together so he knows I came over to steal your pills help you out today!”)

So, why do we do this stuff? Aside from to get our fix? Well, in my past, it’s been about closure. Was there something hidden there in the messages, in the memories, or the passenger’s side of his passing Subaru that would give me a clue? Let me save you some time. The answer is no. Whatever you potentially recall or find as you rewind the gag reel that was your relationship might lead to more questions. But it definitely won’t give you any answers. Or closure. Only they can give you answers. But that’s not your cue to reach out. Because, when you do, they may not be the answers you want, you’ll reignite the addiction by interacting with them, and you’ll deny yourself closure because you don’t want to hear anything other than that they want you back. Case in point? When my ex told me he didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore, I immediately reached for any other reason it could be. Anything other than a lack of attraction. Was there another girl? What it just that he was freshly sober? More questions – until I finally stopped myself short. I cut myself off. Why? Because this self inquiry came to me: “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” That’s a horrible place to be. Constant signs of rejection are worse than being alone. Also, if you truly love them, as I loved him, you wouldn’t want that kind of a life for them, either. Only I could give myself closure from here on out. How? By closing the door on him and addictive activities like these that kept me linked to a dead connection.

And so can you.

Love addiction… or just obsession? 5 remedies for whatever you wanna call it.

Leave a Comment

The term “love addiction”, though quaint, always seemed more like some paradoxical euphemism to me.

A euphemism for obsession.


(Speaking of which, I was obsessed with these mannequin chicks first time I saw this vid)

Granted, it could also be a euphemism for sex addiction. But most times I’ve heard the term – it’s been in the context of that one friend you have whose iphone photo album is namely a shrine of her ex’s selfies. We’ve probably all been to a place before where the starring role of our desire cancels out all the supporting players in our life movie for at least a short while. But when that thought becomes a habit that translates into a perpetual reality, something else happens. And the problem with the term “love obsession” is this: While love is meant to be this unconditional acceptance, compassion, or intense affection, an addiction is something completely different. Something that depletes you on some level. So, then, what do we call this affliction? This flip from the puppy dog state of a South Park Stan puking on Wendy to broiling the family rabbit in the stove pot over unrequited love? (Let’s hope nunna us are quite there, yet?) Or how about even when we just fall for people too easily? While it may indeed be an addiction, I think it’s safe to say the “object” at the center of that addiction isn’t even love. If it’s a drug, you use it. If it’s a person, you’ve objectified them – intentionally or not – and have also been using them. Hence, the paradox.

And that’s because addiction – if it’s a disease versus dependency – isn’t about the person, place, or thing you’re presently fixated on. It’s about avoiding the void you feel inside – which makes it even more confusing when it comes to romantic or intimate interactions. Much like an alcohol addiction is more acceptable than a narcotic addiction, most don’t think twice about love as even being comparable to either. It’s not seen as a grave issue until it manifests as rapid fire text messages, an overbearing amount of contact in general, or unwanted visits. That’s only when it becomes active, though. Most times, it just sticks as a thought no one can see – and eating only you alive, unbeknownst to anyone – even the object-person. That’s why – as the obsessed person – it’s easy to delude ourselves that it’s “okay” and we’re “okay”. (That, is, until someone walks over to you and kindly asks you to move out of the road because, no, she will not willfully run over you with her car as your Woe Is Me ipod playlist lulls you to permanent sleep). And until you go all Marky Mark a la Fear on your “love” object, the law’s not likely to get involved like they would if you were making a smack transaction in the parking lot. That’s because the majority of these addictions happen in the privacy of your brain. So this one’s tricky. Maybe it’s not genuinely “love addiction”, but the spiritual deficit we’re trying to fill with others is indeed often a love shaped void. So it can be easy to assume that inviting someone into our lives is the answer.

Simple, right?

The problem with that is that, until the void is filled by our own doing, we’ll inevitably end up using the other party – which means at their expense somehow – to make ourselves feel alright. Comforted. Safe. Validated. I’m no stranger to this, as I’ve undergone it on every level – whether or not the object of my rumination knew it. Be it a best friend, monogamous lover, colleague, or celebrity I’ve met – no one’s free from the clutches of my self-flagellating thought processes. (“Do I even matter if they don’t approve of me and my life?”) Like any addict recovering from anything, I’m still not free from these internal tendencies. I have to manage it by shining a light on my own proclivities… before I start shining that interrogation lamp on the innocent party.

But the nice thing about stepping away from active addiction (aside from the sudden relief of departing thoroughgoing debt ranging from mind to actual money) is that you’re granted an awareness about it. Once you understand how preposterous the thoughts are that snowball into obsession, they’re a little easier to rise above. So, following this loquacious intro, I’ll offer you a handful of “Oh, yeah” brain tools I still use to till my sanity fields from day to day. For convenience sake, I’ve boiled my top go-to’s down to an alliterative device of 5 main pointers. A few of them are my own spins on this one stellar Psychology Today piece I encountered some time ago. Some come from mid-jog epiphanies. And others yet were bestowed upon me when I was doing a bit of number 3. Let’s begin with one of my faves:

1. Realize your thoughts are not facts

What are you really thinking of with respect to the person? And why is it making you unhappy? If it’s an addiction/obsession line of thinking, then that means you’re not doing so well. So that means the thoughts you’re having aren’t so great ATM. So, what is it? She didn’t call you back? He didn’t reply to your text? And then what? This means she doesn’t like you. This means he’s with someone else. And then? You’re not good enough for them. She’s probably sleeping with your best friend. The slut. Now you’re angry. You must not be good enough for anybody. This stock sample example isn’t a far cry from the cerebral snowballs that do donuts in my head sans my permission from time to time – and not just when it comes to romantic dynamics. But once you realize that this is nothing more than a thought – not actual truth – you can grant yourself permission to launch a beam of awareness sunshine on that ball of ice freezing your brain down, and grow up a garden of contentment about life in general. How? Remind yourself: these thoughts may very well be wrong. So why are you letting potential lies drain your mental energy?

2. Remember: when you are fixated on a person, there are actually two people.

One is the actual flesh and blood person.

The other is the idea of the person you’ve been building in your brain. A story you’ve concocted about them, not realizing it’s not real. Is the girl you’re thinking of flawless whenever you see her? Does she smile a lot? Look fit? Have goals? Would you still pedestalize her if you knew she went home, cried, ate her feelings, threw them up, and then fell asleep with said throw up in her hair? What if what you think you know is all an act for the world? Or – what if the guy on your mind with the perfect physique actually has webbed feet and uses them to punt puppies off bridges to blow off steam? But let’s not be superficial here. What about who they are inside that you couldn’t see even if you broke into their home with an invisibility cloak and took diligent notes, Harry Potter meets Lifetime Original Movie style? If your obsession comes from an unrequited feeling, they could be suffering a painful past, money troubles, or work woes that make a connection difficult. On the other hand, they could just be too driven toward their goals to make you a priority. Or, tough as it may be to accept, maybe you’re just not their type. There’re plenty of reasons that the IRL person isn’t fulfilling the role of the one you’ve created in your head and thus failing to fulfill your desire. The bad news? You may never know which they are. The good news? None of them make you worth any less – unless you keep hanging onto a desire you know won’t be satisfied and letting your fixation on their life suck the bliss outta yours.

3. Recharge

A running mind builds momentum. And it’s hard as hell on Viagra to halt it.

But when you let yourself, you give yourself the gift of lucidity (however brief it may last – which is why you gotta keep returning to a meditation practice, they say). There are few psychogenic problems out there where I won’t list meditation as at least one way to mitigate them. And obsession is no exception. One easy way? Close your eyes. Deepen your breathing without forcing it. Focus on only your breathing. And as each thought comes, just return to that breath instead of entertaining the thought.

4. Rise above

This one’s kinda tough to do with out at least some form of number 3 (meditation). But there’s something about deep breathing and calming your parasympathetic nervous system that allows you to see things in the light of awareness (and “get” how true facts like number 2 are). I can’t be sure what it is, but I think it has to do with the fact that when we’re distraught or angry, we cannot think clearly or arrive at creative solutions (or be creative at all – which explains why some days my writing entries tally a whopping zero). If we force-calm ourselves by shutting down the stimuli around us and self-soothing, though (I go for a “meditative” run sometimes), the cognitive clutter dissipates enough to allow for that outside-the-box perspective to present itself.

5. Redirect focus

We’ll finish with this one because it ties with number 1 as a fave.

If they’re not as into you as you are into them, then that means their focus is elsewhere. Put in a tougher love tone: they’re not thinking of you, but any number of other things that are more interesting to them. (Ouch. I know. Sorry ’bout it.) So… could you do the same with respect to them? Focus on a task at hand and give your full attention to it? Hard as it is to execute (because you want what you want), I find this to be a great temporary fix. In fact, I once heard this piece of advice: if you want to get over someone, do what they’re doing. I was skeptical at first, but it kinda makes sense for getting over anyone you still thought-harp on. While that doesn’t literally mean to abandon your job as a nurse, hit the OR, and randomly try your hand at open heart surgery like your ex does everyday, it could mean something more general – like the things that attracted you to him or her in the first place. Do you like them because they have passions? Get some of your own (and indulge them). Do you like them because they’re goal oriented? Make some goals of your own (and work toward them). Do you like them because they can cook a mean ass vegan dinner (still haven’t found this guy, but bear with me for the sake of examples)? Maybe take a culinary class (and have a fire extinguisher ready and 911 pre-keyed into your phone if you’re anything like me). This is where it goes from merely distracting yourself from your feelings to actually growing from the experience. The thing I like about this idea is that it helps you work toward that thing I mentioned above: filling your own void. If one of the things you like about someone else is how they are and what they do, could you emulate that in a way that fits you? And then like (maybe even love) yourself just as much? Use what you’ve learned from them as a way to feel alright in your own skin? Before you go full crazy and turn someone else’s into a Buffalo Bill style blanket?

Hope this helps, my fellow loons!

Signing out (in the blood of my ex lover’s bunny, obviously).