Sure, adrenal addiction may cause some of your anxious attachment tendencies.
It can make people super productive.
(Ever hit the gym to blow off steam after a bad fight with a lover?)
But there’s also a deeper reason.
WE’RE JUST AS INSECURE AS THEY ARE
Yep. We’re not exempt from the madness of this. We ourselves are just as insecure as our dismissive avoidant partners. Yes, the one who runs has learned to do so because perhaps they had parents, teachers, or maybe even primary relationship where they could not depend on them early on. Rejected. Neglected. Mocked. Abandoned. Whatever it was, they had to fend for themselves. They are used to doing things on their own because they’ve always had too. And they are afraid that getting too close will mean you leaving so they resent you prematurely for that. It’s a projection of feelings toward their initial caregivers or connections. The first people who were supposed to love them failed. So they reject help and love now, having had to find it – or a version of it – for themselves their whole lives. It’s all they have, seeing as they couldn’t have love. So, it becomes a replacement for love. And they’ll be damned if you take that away from them. But, we are just as bad. See, for us, we may not have been physically abandoned, but maybe we were emotionally neglected. Perhaps we were made to feel not good enough. Physical affection was lacking. Negative comments and judgment were a regular thing we received. As a result, deep down, we may crave excessive validation and constant affirmation. (Something no one should have to be responsible for doling out.) We need to incessantly hear that our partner still loves us and approves of us. Just like they did at the beginning. And that might work out if we were to actively seek out healthy attachment styles. They would leave us feeling secure. Or they could help us recognize these tendencies and work through them. But we don’t.
WE PREFER THE CHASE BECAUSE WE’RE RUNNING TOO
Yet we keep attracting avoidant types… Why? The answer is actually kinda ironic. We’re actually running, too. The problem is, deep down, we might still believe all that awful stuff we’ve been told either directly or indirectly in our formative years. We are not good enough. Not attractive enough. Not capable enough. Not smart enough. And, as a result, we may be afraid that if somebody gets too close they will see the cracks in the statue – the flaws. The “nice” thing about love bombing for someone insecure is that it happens fast and furious. Your partner doesn’t take the time to actually get to know you when they hit you with a barrage of compliments and presents. They hardly know you. Someone normal would be suspicious of this. Not us. We’re just glad they’re skipping straight to the emotional paycheck without any of the hours being clocked. Maybe when we thought that they liked us, they weren’t seeing the whole picture. Just the facade. And if they get close enough to do so, they may not like it. They can’t really value us. We know the truth, deep down. So, distance is safety.
They will leave completely if they see us bare. At least this arm’s-length relationship will keep them in our orbit. So, just as the avoidant feels safe to grow cold after the love bombing phase (knowing that we will chase them), we feel safe knowing that the avoidant is never truly going to take a real interest in us enough to see us for who we truly are. Not enough to judge it, anyway. And when they run away, it is confirmation of the identity we have come to believe about ourselves: that we indeed are not good enough to keep. So we ironically feel secure in at least knowing that we were right… About some awful “truth” about who we are.
(Wearing a fake face and chasing someone… Do we get why the avoidant runs?)
FIRST STEP IS RECOGNITION
So, what’s the fix? Recognizing this is half the battle. So is recognizing that you can’t fix the avoidant. Sadly, this isn’t a fix for the relationship itself – but for you yourself. Yes, you can try and point out the truth. You can try to enlighten them about who they are and you are so that you can work on it together. But that rarely ends in success. Often, an avoidant will not want to work on themselves. And they will not want to seek professional help. You have to remember that help is their job. They don’t accept help. They give it because that’s all they have. That’s been their love replacement for as long as they can recall. Their coping mechanism.
You’ll even notice them caught in toxic codependencies with others because they’re “needed”. They pretend to resent it – that everyone asks them for everything. But, secretly, they’re addicted to it. Their philosophy is that they’ve been self-dependent for years… and they aren’t dead yet. So it must be fine. In fact, they may be doing great financially, physically, or educationally. They may be thriving in every external realm, while their psyche, spirit, and relationships suffer a slow death. But because people, usually, don’t see that part… it matters less to them. It has less value. Especially if they can keep others far enough away not to see it. Bottom line? Just like any relationship, you can’t fix a partner. Likewise, you can’t stick around if they refuse to fix themselves.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO DATE SOMEONE NEW…
So, why do we? Why do we stick around? We may not. We may try, during one of the many periods where our partner grows cold, to attempt a healthy relationship with someone new. And what we may notice is that it feels…. boring. Bland. There’s no spark. No real excitement. We don’t feel the same high octane level of passion or motivation that we may have felt in our prior attachment. We may even resent or judge the other person who is showing us a healthy level of attention. After all, why can’t they see what a gargoyle you truly are deep down? Like the other person who ran away all the time? We may even come to judge them for loving us. Twisted, right?
(An overused quote by me, but relevant, nonetheless…)
So, how can we love someone who truly values us?
Keep reading to find out…