attachment

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 3)

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We now know why we get caught in toxic cycles with avoidant dismissive partners.

We also know why we may get bored or confused when we are valued.

But why? And how do we sort that out?

DEPROGRAMMING IS CRUCIAL

It can be confusing to know whether affection is love bombing or true value.

But it’s only confusing when you don’t truly know your own worth. So, before even attempting a healthy relationship (and potentially hurting someone else or ruining what could have been a great relationship later on), it is imperative that we get a new story. We have to do the work. Alone. We must recognize where our current self beliefs come from. How deeply ingrained they are. And how false they are. Think of it this way. You had one set of opinions about you or behaviors which led to your own conclusions about yourself. They were programmed into you in your formative years. But that’s just one. One or two in a sea of billions. Just because this was the initial software, doesn’t mean you can’t wipe the computer clean. (Really not sure if that metaphor is accurate… Moving on…) But you have to recognize it first. Without blaming your parents (or sister or brother…), sit down and make an objective, unemotional list of the negative things you remember happening to you or believing in your youth that you inadvertently took on to be true. Was it that you were too short? Too tall? Too fat? That your facial features weren’t perfect? Were you left alone a good deal? Abused maybe even?

Now, sit back and realize something amazing. You could have been born into literally any family with all of the same features you have, inside and out. And they may have treated you in a completely different and more supportive way. The truth is, when we are children, we are a blank slate. So, the price tag we are being sold about ourselves from our parents is only that. It’s based on their own opinion. It’s based on their own projection. Two, fallible human beings told us, directly or indirectly, what our worth was. And we believed it. We believed them because we didn’t have the capacity to question it. But now we do. So, how many of these things that we were told about ourselves were complete and utter projection all along? How many were based off of our own parents’ personal insecurities? How many other people in the world with exactly our features that we feel insecure about (or possibly worse), ended up being actors? Pop stars? Models? All thanks to their unique physical make up? How many went on to become wealthy motivational speakers? Or even just amazing and selfless leaders in the community? Now, ask yourself what makes you so special. How are you any different? Other than your refusal to eschew this outdated and archaic programming that never served you in the first place?

DITCHING THE OLD IDENTITY

Once we recognize the lifelong lie, it’s difficult to adhere to a new programming. But we start with action. We start by pursuing all of those same things we did when we were in a relationship. Or, better yet, we pursue the things we never have – because we thought we were somehow too incompetent. And we do it for ourselves this time. I don’t mean that in a lip-servicey way, either. What I mean is that we do all of this to prove our worth to ourselves. Our “self” is almost like another separate person. And they need to see you’re making an investment in them. Whether that’s by cleaning your home, studying, or working your side hustle, your “you” needs to see some effort. So, we practice this act of self affirmation one day at a time, until it feels embedded in who we are. Then, one day, if someone wanders into our lives that we are attracted to, we might feel like we are in a safe place to give a romantic relationship a chance again. And we do so with cautious optimism, knowing about our former tendencies in relationships. Now, we know what to look for. Previously, we would accept the love bombing a few weeks in (or earlier) because we were so starved for validation, that it felt like heroin. Now, we recognize our worth because we have done the work to prove it to ourselves. But that took us time. So we recognize that someone who has only known us for a short time, can’t possibly appreciate our true value. Excessive adoration will seem suspicious before they truly know who we are. It would be like walking into a store and buying a $500 coat when you can only see it from 10 feet away. You didn’t try it on. You can’t see what the back looks like. You don’t even know what the material is. Someone who truly knows their value, would not trust grandiose gestures and statements before the person giving it had a chance to truly assess our “coat“. So we know now to look at that with a cautious eye.

Then, before we realize it, we find that we are in a healthy connection. And that it doesn’t involve constantly thinking about the person. It may not entail seeing each other daily. It may not include them constantly telling us how amazing we are. But we have done the work to know that about ourselves anyway, so we don’t need it. Before long, we find that we are magically freed of our obsession. And we realize how comforting it feels to just sit in our own skin and go about our daily lives with an alacrity that we never had before when the shackles of attachment were weighing everything down.

Suddenly, just like that, we can quit chasing another…

And start chasing bigger and better things – whether we’re with someone or not.

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 2)

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Sure, adrenal addiction may cause some of your anxious attachment tendencies.

It can make people super productive.


(Ever hit the gym to blow off steam after a bad fight with a lover?)

But there’s also a deeper reason.

WE’RE JUST AS INSECURE AS THEY ARE

Yep. We’re not exempt from the madness of this. We ourselves are just as insecure as our dismissive avoidant partners. Yes, the one who runs has learned to do so because perhaps they had parents, teachers, or maybe even primary relationship where they could not depend on them early on. Rejected. Neglected. Mocked. Abandoned. Whatever it was, they had to fend for themselves. They are used to doing things on their own because they’ve always had too. And they are afraid that getting too close will mean you leaving so they resent you prematurely for that. It’s a projection of feelings toward their initial caregivers or connections. The first people who were supposed to love them failed. So they reject help and love now, having had to find it – or a version of it – for themselves their whole lives. It’s all they have, seeing as they couldn’t have love. So, it becomes a replacement for love. And they’ll be damned if you take that away from them. But, we are just as bad. See, for us, we may not have been physically abandoned, but maybe we were emotionally neglected. Perhaps we were made to feel not good enough. Physical affection was lacking. Negative comments and judgment were a regular thing we received. As a result, deep down, we may crave excessive validation and constant affirmation. (Something no one should have to be responsible for doling out.) We need to incessantly hear that our partner still loves us and approves of us. Just like they did at the beginning. And that might work out if we were to actively seek out healthy attachment styles. They would leave us feeling secure. Or they could help us recognize these tendencies and work through them. But we don’t.

WE PREFER THE CHASE BECAUSE WE’RE RUNNING TOO

Yet we keep attracting avoidant types… Why? The answer is actually kinda ironic. We’re actually running, too. The problem is, deep down, we might still believe all that awful stuff we’ve been told either directly or indirectly in our formative years. We are not good enough. Not attractive enough. Not capable enough. Not smart enough. And, as a result, we may be afraid that if somebody gets too close they will see the cracks in the statue – the flaws. The “nice” thing about love bombing for someone insecure is that it happens fast and furious. Your partner doesn’t take the time to actually get to know you when they hit you with a barrage of compliments and presents. They hardly know you. Someone normal would be suspicious of this. Not us. We’re just glad they’re skipping straight to the emotional paycheck without any of the hours being clocked. Maybe when we thought that they liked us, they weren’t seeing the whole picture. Just the facade. And if they get close enough to do so, they may not like it. They can’t really value us. We know the truth, deep down. So, distance is safety.

They will leave completely if they see us bare. At least this arm’s-length relationship will keep them in our orbit. So, just as the avoidant feels safe to grow cold after the love bombing phase (knowing that we will chase them), we feel safe knowing that the avoidant is never truly going to take a real interest in us enough to see us for who we truly are. Not enough to judge it, anyway. And when they run away, it is confirmation of the identity we have come to believe about ourselves: that we indeed are not good enough to keep. So we ironically feel secure in at least knowing that we were right… About some awful “truth” about who we are.


(Wearing a fake face and chasing someone… Do we get why the avoidant runs?)

FIRST STEP IS RECOGNITION

So, what’s the fix? Recognizing this is half the battle. So is recognizing that you can’t fix the avoidant. Sadly, this isn’t a fix for the relationship itself – but for you yourself. Yes, you can try and point out the truth. You can try to enlighten them about who they are and you are so that you can work on it together. But that rarely ends in success. Often, an avoidant will not want to work on themselves. And they will not want to seek professional help. You have to remember that help is their job. They don’t accept help. They give it because that’s all they have. That’s been their love replacement for as long as they can recall. Their coping mechanism.

You’ll even notice them caught in toxic codependencies with others because they’re “needed”. They pretend to resent it – that everyone asks them for everything. But, secretly, they’re addicted to it. Their philosophy is that they’ve been self-dependent for years… and they aren’t dead yet. So it must be fine. In fact, they may be doing great financially, physically, or educationally. They may be thriving in every external realm, while their psyche, spirit, and relationships suffer a slow death. But because people, usually, don’t see that part… it matters less to them. It has less value. Especially if they can keep others far enough away not to see it. Bottom line? Just like any relationship, you can’t fix a partner. Likewise, you can’t stick around if they refuse to fix themselves.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO DATE SOMEONE NEW…

So, why do we? Why do we stick around? We may not. We may try, during one of the many periods where our partner grows cold, to attempt a healthy relationship with someone new. And what we may notice is that it feels…. boring. Bland. There’s no spark. No real excitement. We don’t feel the same high octane level of passion or motivation that we may have felt in our prior attachment. We may even resent or judge the other person who is showing us a healthy level of attention. After all, why can’t they see what a gargoyle you truly are deep down? Like the other person who ran away all the time? We may even come to judge them for loving us. Twisted, right?


(An overused quote by me, but relevant, nonetheless…)

So, how can we love someone who truly values us?

Keep reading to find out…

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 1)

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Okay, so maybe you’re used to getting obsessed with a partner.

You’ve sadly gotten used to the cycle of unbridled focus on someone else.


(…before it all goes up in flames and you gotta rinse and repeat)

So, when the tables turn, it catches you off guard.

THE CYCLE

Someone who tends to get obsessive in romantic relationships can fall into one of many categories. But, a common one is that of the anxious attachment style. You would think that this attachment style would want to pair up with somebody healthy so that we never have to spend our extra time obsessing over them. We would feel safe. Secure. Right? But what ends up happening, instead, is something kinda crazy. Instead, we often pair up with our polar opposite: the dismissive avoidant. Why? Because the relationship is characterized by the dismissive avoidant initially love bombing the anxious one. Flowers. Candy. Gifts. Words of affirmation. Acts of service. Intimate and warm touch. The typically anxious partner feels calm, knowing that they are in a state of reciprocated affection with their partner. Finally. For a while, things are good. But, then, when things get too comfortable or too close… the avoidant drops off. Goes radio silent or cold. Distant. Angry and accusatory. Maybe even starts fights for no reason. And, so, the anxious partner returns to that state of anxiety and becomes what the avoidant dubs “needy”.

The anxious partner may try to work things out for a while. And, ultimately they may leave, knowing things are not going to return to what they once were. This is smart. But, often, it does not last. The avoidant, who no longer has that stream of adoration and attention being beamed at them without reciprocation, begins to worry. Before, they could give no effort and know that you were there, waiting and thinking of them. Now, nothing. Thus, they return, tail between legs, roses in hand, and attempt to reignite the relationship. They may beg. They may apologize. If things seem more dire, they may even do the same level of love bombing they offered at the start of the relationship. Or if they think it will be easy (because you’ve taken them back before), they do less. They’ll make make minimal effort like a “hey“ or “yo“ text message late on a Friday night after a couple (packs of) beers. And, because we – the anxious type – are just as insecure as they are, we bite. And the cycle starts again.

So why do we, as the anxious attacher, do this?

Well, for several reasons.

ANGST IS FUEL

The truth is that obsessing becomes a habit in and of itself. We become accustomed to that chaotic feeling. Addicted, even. Perhaps the adrenalized feeling drives us to work harder to impress someone. Maybe it motivates us to stay fit for the person we want to impress. Maybe it inspires us to reach goals so that we have to seem perpetually worthy of their presence in our lives. It becomes a fuel we rely on. Think of how many “revenge body“ transformations you’ve seen. Contrarily, think of how many of us gain weight the second we get into a relationship where we feel loved, comfortable, and serene. Subconsciously, we may be seeking that power up. Deep, intense, anxiety can be a very powerful force when it comes to productivity of any kind. It’s not the only way to get there. But the brain tends to go with the easiest, most short-cutty route; regardless of how unhealthy it is.


(“Can’t… Run… Anymore… Noone… To… Obsess…About…”)

But, honestly, there’s an even more cringe reason we chase a runner…

Check out part two to find out what that is…