Yes, breaking from codependent habits sounds great in theory.
But the truth is… it’s hard. Especially if you can’t afford the weekly trip to the shrink.
(Although you’d have to be the one paying me to sit on that uncomfortable azz looking couch…)
So, how do we do it?
How does one motivate themselves to make change.
Especially when they’re going through neurochemical withdrawal from someone?
I listed some tips on this in my last article about obsession. However, it’s worth mentioning here. The generic advice will tell you to spend time doing what you love. To journal. To build your boundaries and keep them. To accept that it’ll take time. And that’s all true. But it feels like very distant, intangible advice. The truth is that you really have to sit with yourself and think about who it is that you want to be. For you. It’s easy to be great when someone is there to applaud us. But what happens when the applause stops? How can you clap for yourself? By proving yourself to yourself. Who’s the person you want to be? What do they do?
For me, reclaiming my identity meant having a heart to heart with myself. Get really honest. I had to figure out what made me feel badly about myself. What brought me joy. What goals I needed to work better toward achieving. Who I should and shouldn’t be talking to or hanging out with. How I should be spending my money. That’s integrity. Secretly buying retail goodies I don’t need or shoveling sugar into my face doesn’t go unnoticed. The world around me may not see it. But I know. Deep down, I know. And who can love themselves when they’re doing things they wouldn’t respect others for doing?
After that honesty came action. That’s the hard part. When you’re going through the withdrawal of someone you unknowingly relied on for happiness, the world does go dark. Grey. Dismal. It takes time to clear them from your body. And, like any drug you recover from, you have to spend that time developing new habits. Force yourself to write. To make art. To run. Again, all stuff you may have heard in the “Obsession” article. And, most of all – no contact (if possible) is so crucial. You can’t respect yourself if you keep returning to something unhealthy.
But what about after? Once you’re doing all these things and living your best life – how do you start over? How can you connect with someone new… and not repeat these terrible habits? It’s simple – but not easy. The biggest mistake we make when we date someone we really like is to start obsessing about them. Make sure you’re not spending too much timing thinking about them, over-texting them, or doing too many acts of service too early on. Give yourself some time and space away from them, too. It’s imperative that the “you” you’ve built independent of them doesn’t suddenly get stowed away. So, still do your passion projects, see your best friends, and don’t break engagements for them. Not only does it establish boundaries to them (which is super hot), but it does so for yourself as well. It communicates to yourself that you’re strong in your foundation. And that will serve you well later when they leave, so it doesn’t feel like the earth itself is falling out from under you.
You built your own happiness through your habits. Suddenly placing that happiness in the hands of another is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because the former method (of going out and building it for yourself) communicates to your subconscious that, to be happy, you must put in work. You want joy? You make the effort. That’s the brain habit you’ve developed. The latter method, contrarily, tells your subconscious another story. It says that happiness is entirely out of your hands. You’ve made another human being god. Someone flesh and blood like you is the puppeteer for your every emotion. That’s why so many co-dependents are in a constant state of anxiety. They aren’t happy with or without you. Any time you’re away, they’re missing their fix. Anytime they’re with you, they’re afraid they may say or do something to lose you. It becomes self fulfilling too, because people can tell when you aren’t being real and they’ll leave anyway. Again, been there. Been on both sides of it. And I can attest that it’s ugly all around.
And, this year I’m realizing it’s becoming a common phenomenon as people sense a loss of control. But nothing has truly changed. Not when it comes to who controls your happiness. So, just know that you alone are as in control of you and your well being as you ever were. Whether you do it through the assistance of therapy, journaling, or starting artistic new hobbies, just make that move. (Not just hopping into a new relationship where you’ll do it all over again.) Take some sort of action to prove yourself to yourself.
And go from codependent to independent.