healing

Yes, breaking from codependent habits sounds great in theory.

But the truth is… it’s hard. Especially if you can’t afford the weekly trip to the shrink.

(Although you’d have to be the one paying me to sit on that uncomfortable azz looking couch…)

So, how do we do it?

How does one motivate themselves to make change.

Especially when they’re going through neurochemical withdrawal from someone?

I listed some tips on this in my last article about obsession. However, it’s worth mentioning here. The generic advice will tell you to spend time doing what you love. To journal. To build your boundaries and keep them. To accept that it’ll take time. And that’s all true. But it feels like very distant, intangible advice. The truth is that you really have to sit with yourself and think about who it is that you want to be. For you. It’s easy to be great when someone is there to applaud us. But what happens when the applause stops? How can you clap for yourself? By proving yourself to yourself. Who’s the person you want to be? What do they do?

For me, reclaiming my identity meant having a heart to heart with myself. Get really honest. I had to figure out what made me feel badly about myself. What brought me joy. What goals I needed to work better toward achieving. Who I should and shouldn’t be talking to or hanging out with. How I should be spending my money. That’s integrity. Secretly buying retail goodies I don’t need or shoveling sugar into my face doesn’t go unnoticed. The world around me may not see it. But I know. Deep down, I know. And who can love themselves when they’re doing things they wouldn’t respect others for doing?

After that honesty came action. That’s the hard part. When you’re going through the withdrawal of someone you unknowingly relied on for happiness, the world does go dark. Grey. Dismal. It takes time to clear them from your body. And, like any drug you recover from, you have to spend that time developing new habits. Force yourself to write. To make art. To run. Again, all stuff you may have heard in the “Obsession” article. And, most of all – no contact (if possible) is so crucial. You can’t respect yourself if you keep returning to something unhealthy.

But what about after? Once you’re doing all these things and living your best life – how do you start over? How can you connect with someone new… and not repeat these terrible habits? It’s simple – but not easy. The biggest mistake we make when we date someone we really like is to start obsessing about them. Make sure you’re not spending too much timing thinking about them, over-texting them, or doing too many acts of service too early on. Give yourself some time and space away from them, too. It’s imperative that the “you” you’ve built independent of them doesn’t suddenly get stowed away. So, still do your passion projects, see your best friends, and don’t break engagements for them. Not only does it establish boundaries to them (which is super hot), but it does so for yourself as well. It communicates to yourself that you’re strong in your foundation. And that will serve you well later when they leave, so it doesn’t feel like the earth itself is falling out from under you.

You built your own happiness through your habits. Suddenly placing that happiness in the hands of another is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because the former method (of going out and building it for yourself) communicates to your subconscious that, to be happy, you must put in work. You want joy? You make the effort. That’s the brain habit you’ve developed. The latter method, contrarily, tells your subconscious another story. It says that happiness is entirely out of your hands. You’ve made another human being god. Someone flesh and blood like you is the puppeteer for your every emotion. That’s why so many co-dependents are in a constant state of anxiety. They aren’t happy with or without you. Any time you’re away, they’re missing their fix. Anytime they’re with you, they’re afraid they may say or do something to lose you. It becomes self fulfilling too, because people can tell when you aren’t being real and they’ll leave anyway. Again, been there. Been on both sides of it. And I can attest that it’s ugly all around.

And, this year I’m realizing it’s becoming a common phenomenon as people sense a loss of control. But nothing has truly changed. Not when it comes to who controls your happiness. So, just know that you alone are as in control of you and your well being as you ever were. Whether you do it through the assistance of therapy, journaling, or starting artistic new hobbies, just make that move. (Not just hopping into a new relationship where you’ll do it all over again.) Take some sort of action to prove yourself to yourself.

And go from codependent to independent.

“Would you say I’m… co-dependent?”

I got this question text from an ex-lover turned good friend the other day.

Our ship has long sailed, and now we’re in the territory where we can be brutally honest, but let it come from a place of love. So we do that for each other. That said, I had a newfound appreciation when I got this message. I suddenly felt what every man feels when his lady (or man… or nonbinary partner… or parakeet, whatever, it’s 2020) says, “Do I look fat in these pants?” You feel like it’s a trick question. You wanna answer honestly, but you feel their fingers on the metaphorical detonator the whole time.

So, I answered his question with a question: “What makes you ask that?” (Thanks, that one time I went to the shrink and learned this tactic…) And he went on to explain how he’s head over heels for this new girl he’s with. How they have a blast when they’re together. How awesome she is. But… whenever he’s away from her, he feels this vast emptiness come over him. Like he’s been powered down. All the world loses its color. All passions are deactivated. Typically pleasurable things feel suddenly meaningless. In a word, he was obsessed with this new lady. Just like the one before her. And the one before her… But it was a unique flavor of obsession called codependency. Just like each time before.

He knew the answer to his own question before he’d asked me. My friend’s done this in every relationship he’s ever been in. A new girl arrives in his life and he goes into love bombing mode with a quickness. She’s an angel on a pedestal. But this kind of adoration can only last so long. It’s not sustainable fuel for a long term relationships. So, what he (and many other co-dependents do) is… self sabotage. Either she can’t be there for him to serve as the drug that brings color and meaning to his world or she has some flaw he wants resolved so she can get on the pedestal again. It starts to feel like too much for her. She’s suffocated. Either way, it ends. And he’s back into the darkness again, missing her, and wanting her back.

And I knew this so well because it’s why he and I failed at dating.

I have this tendency too.

And I’ve had to work hard to manage it.

So, I asked him all the things I too had to figure out for myself when I was last healing from a relationship that made me realize just how co-dependent I tend to be. All the “what if’s”. What if your time alone wasn’t isolation? What if it was necessary solitude to keep growing and becoming more of the person she fell in love with? What if you spent your solo time pursuing the hobbies you love? Working on projects for the family you want to build together? And the stuff that’s just for you – like working out or fishing? People aren’t drugs. They should be supplements to the already wonderful life you’ve built for yourself.

(Fun fact: this doesn’t just happen in romantic dynamics. One of my besties has this same weird dynamic. She’s the caretaker. The other chick’s the self sabotaging mess, floundering to keep her attention.)

It sounds good in theory.

But every time it’s me going through it, it feels different. It’s so hard.

So how do you really do it?

Keep reading to learn how to heal from the obsession called codependency….