Author: Ashley

Trigger diffusing: How to use your fear to steer clear of stressors

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What sits behind our triggers?

Stress? Anxiety? The unpredictable and terrifying external world around us?

Maybe. But behind that, is the catalyst that activates it.

Fear.

Or – more specifically – fear about the future.

Whether it regards work related woes or your banter with “bae”, the reasons any of us wanna use are as various as they are fixable. ’cause what sits behind our anxieties, ultimately, is fear of some sort. We’re fearful that we won’t get the gig we interviewed for. We’re fearful that we’re being judged in a social setting. We’re fearful we’re gonna get dumped. Whatever it might be, the fact of the matter’s that we – in our heads – are dead set on a plan. And when life unfolds in any way that deviates from that and we’re not ready for it, we fail to accept it. And, then, where’s all that worrying gotten us? Does it help to say “I knew this shiz’d happen”? What’s that fix? If we never surrender with serenity, we instead faceplant into hard facts – flailing all the way and often dragging down others with us. Even when we half expected that vexing outcome. To be fair, a lot of non addicts do this. But factor in the chemical element you or I’ve gotta keep tabs on (before it turns into a bar tab), and that’s a whole lotta risk to be ready for. Which means a fix is imperative for our ilk – long before fear can take the reigns and cause us pain.

And that’s exactly what I found in this excerpt from Tim Ferriss’ book, “The Four Day Workweek.”

What it suggests, essentially, is to turn our worry time into something more productive:

Addressing that negative possibility.

At the same time, though, the idea’s not necessarily the opposite of optimistic thinking. Rather, it’s more about making room for solution seeking by opening our cognitive closet door, letting the monster out, and getting to know it. Because (per what’s mayhaps the most brainblowy quote I’ve heard all week) the truth about ruminating is this: “Most people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.” And, if that didn’t hit you the way it hit me, riddle me this: how many times have you started to realize your best laid future blueprints weren’t gonna come to pass? And upon learning this, you also learned your only Plan B was to hit the fridge for a binge, give into Hulking out, or some other special brand of self sabotage? Oh… what’s that? I can’t quite hear you over all the emotional eating your doing because you’re still worried about those test results you haven’t got back yet… You’re telling me you do this a lot ? Even if it’s not with chemicals or fermented grapes of wrath?

Mhmmm. Yes, me too.

Without realizing it, you ‘n I both have been choosing misery over the unknown.

The good news? We don’t have to.

That’s why I adore Tim’s technique called “fear setting”. It plucks you up from unhappiness by making you embrace uncertainty. And how do you do that? By issuing your existing “Plan B” (the wholly ineffective bish fit) a makeover, peering at fear face to face, and saying, “Alright. So what if you are coming for my azz? What kinda crash course can I take myself through for if and when you get here?” Then, instead of spending your time ruminating, you can put it to use by jiu-jitsu training your brain to be ready for the enemy. That way, if it doesn’t come, awesome. You won’t have added any extra forehead frown wrinkles, silver follicular strands atop your scalp, or the extra stress that leads to death inducing diseases. And if it does come? (“It” maybe being that those test results saying you’ve got a tumor.) Then it’s also no big D. Why? ’cause you’ve been neuro-drilling yourself for this, duh. You already know how to subdue it as a stressor, ’cause you’ve got a plan in place. See, between Plan A and the fail-ery of Plan A, you’ve seriously accepted that this unfavorable outcome might be a distinct possibility. Pictured it. Envisaged it. Made it real. That’s why you’ve prematurely built Plan B (and already contacted five doctors who can potentially pop out that hypothetical tumor bulb). Thus, the next step isn’t about weeping, wallowing, swallowing pills, or getting swilled. It’s about what it always should be: solution seeking. Get good enough at this, and your map of plan permutations ranging from A to Z will all fan out like the streets of downtown New Orleans. The nice thing is, too, that even if life events happen way outside of your cognitive French Quarter’s circuitry and you’ve gotta do some construction, you’ve unknowingly been plan-drilling for plan-making itself. It’s a subconscious skill now. All’ve this practical, creative, solution seeking you’re doing in your downtime, makes you better later – at doing the same thing on your feet the second SHTF.


(Don’t pay anxiety interest; be interested in potential solutions for if it comes true.)

Thus, my loves, I ask you this:

What’s sitting behind your triggers today? What are you actually panicking over – deep down? Let’s all pretend for a second that exactly that’s happening. Let’s pretend it’s unfolding in all its un-glory. Now, in lieu of inviting our frenetic emotional reaction to ride thought shotgun to it, let’s immediately ask ourselves: “Mkay. So – what’s the solution?” Sure, we didn’t want this. Sure, this wasn’t our plan. Those are all valid feelings. But the problem with wallow-y feelings is that they don’t solve this problem we’ve got very well – do they? So – why keep going back to them like an abusive ex lover? Rather, what does fix the issues is this following auto-inquiry I try to employ when it’s go time: “What’s runner up to Plan A? What’s the best rectification for this fkkry that’s befallen me?” The trick is to find that out, write that down, and train it into our brain’s cerebral software so that when life’s lightless freight train suddenly smacks us head on, on the tracks, we’ll all have another alternative set’ve tracks to hop onto. And from there, we can keeping going full speed – sans speed, smack, sauvignon, or any other self-sabotage manifestations to cope with would be hopelessness.

And just like that, we’re granted another day clean.

And another hurdle traversed without pawning off problems onto people, places, and things.

Can kudzu cut booze consumption for you?

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Opting to stop drinking is tough enough.

But, once you’re in the throes of withdrawal from the only comfort you’ve known, it’s far harder to stick with that decision. Everything sounds good in theory. Everything seems doable when you’re still under the anesthetizing spell. But once your physiological security quilt begins to slip from your brain like a blanket off a bed in the dead of winter, you’re soon wishing that sky pie was a pint or pinot instead. Why? Because the cravings are about as full bodied as your favorite wine. They’re vexing, voracious, and when they come on – they grow quickly within you and know no bounds.

But, according to some studies, one helpful approach might just be to fight fire with fire.

And, no, my loves – I don’t mean firewater. (Sorry ’bout it.)

Rather, I mean this extract from a plant as rapid growing and annoying as your own cravings.

Kudzu:


(Such a perfect “burning desire” metaphor for suffocating cravings no?.)

What is it exactly?

Well, as you can see from the pic, it’s this invasive vine that grows like crazy but can also mitigate a crazy array symptoms that people get. In fact, it’s been used as a powder and extract for ages safely in China – dating all the way back to 600 A.D.. And not only does it stave off alcohol cravings, but it also can abate hangover symptoms, help with heart problems, and make your blood flow better. But, when it comes to getting you “turnt” down, it’s effectiveness has proven itself in the lab. What some researchers did was test subjects straight outta their nine to five gigs. (Smart, because that was always when my hankerings for something brain-subduing were their worst, too.) And then they fed the folk either a kudzu supplement or a placebo pill – both’ve which were paired with a beer buffet. As many cold ones as they craved. But that craving, interestingly enough, was far less in the kudzu takers than the duped group. In fact, they drank about half as much as their placebo counterparts.

And, the thing about kudzu, is that while it won’t quit the drinking for you (there’s no magic tablet – au naturale or not yet that’ll safely do that), it will help you take your spirit swilling down a skoche or four (or twelve, if you’re anything like I was as a drinker) to where you’re functional. And that’s what’s interesting about it. Let’s say you’re not exactly wishing to quit altogether. Instead, you simply wanna moderate. If that’s your case, then kudzu could potentially offer that.

That’s the nice thing – it could go either way. On the one hand, that newfound awareness may make you realize how much you need to halt your malt habit or relinquish your tequila love affair for good. (And then take the right action to make that happen.) Some’ve us are Miley style alcoholics who “can’t stop; won’t stop”. (So we know better than to bother starting again.)


(The idea’s that the extract can impart just enough clear thinking after a bit of breathing space from your toxin o’ choice to aid in making that call.)

That said, not everyone identifies as an addict just ’cause they catch a little clarity and can identify they’ve got a problem. That’s the thing about addiction. It’s a self-diagnosed disease. I’ve met drinkers who were in a long term relache or a honeymoon down a southbound spiral with le sauce. But, after summoning some sort’ve psychological sensei to help ’em figure out why they were going full throttle on the bottle, they could fix that sub-surface mental distress, return to living their lives, and then also return to the occasional holiday champagne glass – because they just realized how much better balanced living can be. But, more importantly, they realize alcohol’s something they can handle sans swilling a handle solo by midday in the middle of the week. And, for those folk, the hope’s that kudzu could help you avoid exactly that – kinda like the gastric bypass of equivalent of over-imbibing.

Which is exactly what I encountered in the WebMD testimonial section.

Like this dude who could magically moderate after popping some’ve the stuff:

“From the third day of taking this, the results were amazing. It immediately lessened cravings to the point that I can ‘take it or leave it’ with drinking.”

Or this one – who used it as sobriety training wheels:

“Me and my buddy both heavy drinkers decided we wnated to stop and get more done with our lives… Easier said than done. We couldn’t stop! I researched tips for quitting and I hit a thread on Kudzu, so I went to Ebay and bought a couple of bottles. We both quit within a week, no needing the alcohol, just hard to break the habit of stopping at my normal drinking holes! Would definitely recommend this to anyone that wants to stop drinking but cannot.”

And, then there was this guy whose story was most interesting to me:

“I have been trying to give up drinking. Every day for a year I have been saying to myself tomorrow. I’ve had a day or two off in that time. But can’t go without more than a day. My grandmother sent these Kudzu capsules to help me with smoking. I’ve been on them for four days now. My smoking has reduced slightly. My friends say I chain smoke, but now have been having breaks between my cigarettes. HOWEVER AMAZINGLY, on the second day, for the first time, I was trying to down my drink quicker than usual to get tipsy, as for some reason I wasn’t really enjoying the drink. And after my first can I didn’t really feel like anymore. The next can sat in my hand for a while before I realised and drank it. The feeling that I got just wasn’t as satisfying as usual. Yesterday I woke up and went about my day. Usually the first thing that enters my mind is What time am I going to have a drink today. But for some reason it didn’t. I drove past my first bottle shop and thought, don’t feel like one yet. That happened all day until 7pm came. I was relaxed and thought, I don’t really feel like it tonight. Today no drink again and I’m not fazed. It’s late at night, I’m relaxed and my mind seems occupied and I really don’t want or have any urge what so ever. I suppose you have to want to stop. However I was trying it for smoking, and it’s stopped me drinking almost immediately. There’s no way ( I hope), that I will have a drink now. I haven’t had it this easy.”

See, that one’s fascinating because – not only did it hamper the drank hankerings, but it also diminished his cigarette desires. As someone who’s addicting to anything mind-altering, that leads me to wonder about the implications of kudzu’s effectiveness for other chemical dependencies. I mean, while all the research I’ve unearthed on the stuff seems to center on alcohol reduction, could it also kill other cravings too? If it worked inadvertently in a battle against tobacco, might it additionally nix pharmaceutical addictions? Or dependencies on other less legal drugs prescribed by drug dealers who don’t have white coats, stethoscopes, and letters after their names?

Considering it’s natural, proven, and safe – it wouldn’t hurt to find out, right?

Compared to some of the stuff most of us have “experimented” with?


*That said, as ever, def see a doc first to make sure none’ve these contraindications apply to you.

7 habits that’ll make relapse almost impossible

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Having a good support group’s crucial to keeping chemical hankerings at bay.

But you know what else is necessary in recovery?

Willpower.

See, willpower’s this often misunderstood concept. When it comes to cravings of any kind – be it a dab of crack or a twelve layer cheesecake crusted in fudge bits – no matter how great our network is, it takes a bit of our own intrinsic willpower to say “Nuclear nope” or “Ah, maybe it’ll be alright this one time…” And where’s the disparity? The disparity comes from willpower – which isn’t merely this force we summon from ourselves while reluctantly gritting our teeth. Rather, it’s simultaneously like a muscle you train and a health bar in a video game. The idea’s that – because we spend so much of our days expending mental energy on immaterial bullshiz (“Is it better to use ‘regards’ or ‘sincerely’ in my email?”…”Should I get the tall or the grande?”…”Does this emoji aptly capture my mood?”), – that we steal cerebral effort from the more salient life selections we hafta make later. And, while some argue that willpower’s not finite, what is definitely true is that all this decision making can indeed beat our brains down until making the right choices about far harder, far more life ‘n death stuff, is monumentally tougher later.

So, what’s the answer?

Why, to send your willpower over to Equinox all day long for some next level lifting, of course. You’ve gotta train it like a muscle. And, much like going to the actual gym, building willpower is more of a long-term practice than some abracadabra hack you do. By fortifying the other areas of your life that have nada to do with your obsessions or fixations, those habits begin to ingrain themselves into your brain – your identity – until deferring dope’s about tantamount to turning down tiramisu during your diet. Sound preposterous? Alright, you can go ahead and laugh. But the fact is that, remiss as I’ve been in attending my own support meetings for the past year (not something I’d suggest by any means), I’ve still managed to remain clean and serene for the past two and a half years by building my life’s base on the following tips:

1. Make decisions – and fast.

I touched on this briefly above. But the faster you can tell the cashier what you want, whether it’s a lotto ticket or all the money in the drawer (just kidding; seeing if you’re still awake or if decision fatigue’s gotten to you) – the better. Just make a quick decision, deliberate less, and you’ll suffer less cerebral fatigue for important matters later.

2. Construct rules you don’t allow yourself to violate

I think this is why I live my life so by-the-numbers now. Some buddies of mine dub me a scheduling nazi. And while I find the comparison to a 1930’s German murderer somewhat hurtful and offensive, I guess I am sort of committing a mass murder on a race – the race of thoughts plaguing my brain when I have to decide every A.M. whether to work out or what to eat. (“Yes and fruit. Next matter of business, please.”) In a way, I think this is just one of the many reasons squeaky clean-ifying my diet was so attractive to me. If avoiding animal products and working out daily is just “what I do” – when it’s just part of my own rules – I don’t have to decide whether or not to follow them when I wake up apathetic and don’t wanna. I just do it anyway. When there are no options, “want” is not an option.

3. Alter your environment to fit your plan

You hear a lot in recovery about eradicating reservations – from tossing your bong to flushing your pills. And if you do the same for your other categories of living, it gets that much easier. Don’t wanna give into your dark chocolate butter cup face stuffing at midnight anymore? Then don’t buy the candy at the store. If it’s not in your fridge now, you can’t binge later. Don’t wanna be a moody bish? Then stop hanging out with Debbie Depressive so much. I mean, def lend her a hand or an ear if she’s having a moment. It’s what we do in recovery. But don’t get sucked socially into the land of sad quicksand with her in the process. Know when to pull out. (Also: that’s what she said.) Or – if you’re Mary Morose yourself, then mayhaps recruit a group of happier peeps to hang with and – in the meantime – inundate your consciousness with Tony Robbins level inspo and motivation. Do that, first, and then, more organically will your tribe change when you wake up and realize who’s around you.

4. Envisage the sitch beforehand

This one can be tricky. The idea’s not to ruminate and worry about how awkward you’re gonna be in a given social interaction. Rather, by mentally mapping out how you’re going to survive Christmas with the fam sans Sauvignon or avoid getting sucked into the smoke rotation when you have to stop by the old hood to pick up some stuff from your former apartment, you can have preparatory armor in place to prevent problems. Start doing this with simpler stuff – like what you’ll order when you go to the Sakura Steakhouse. (I myself tend to stick with ordering whatever I can pronounce less badly… and am ready to do deep breathing and crack a joke when the sake lady walks by.)

5. Remember your identity

This kinda goes hand in hand with that rule remodeling thing I mentioned a couple tips up. When it’s who you are and what you do, then arguing with it’s futile. This is who you are. This is who you decided you wanted to be because you knew it’d serve you. Right now, if you’re arguing with that, that’s just because it feels difficult. Still working on that identity? Then cogitate on the persona you want for yourself and then match that with habits that you turn into personal laws.

6. Map tomorrow out tonight

Each night I write a nightly itinerary out like a screenplay for my tomorrow movie starring me and everyone fortunate enough to bask in my imminent awesome. Seriously, though. This might be the best habit hack I ever invited into my life. By planning everything that’s gonna initiate eight (okay, fine – five) hours from now, at the end of my day when I’m already tired, two things happen. First, it spends the next several hours soaking into my subconscious neuron sponge. And, second, it’s one less worry to concern myself with tomorrow so I won’t have to decide what to do when. (Much less get existential with myself and start asking if I really wanna do it and what that means for me on a greater, cosmic level if I opt out. Especially when it’s about whether or not to take out the trash.)

7. Act on inspo immediately

And, finally, willpower’s not just about avoiding things. To stay a positive course, you’ve gotta have a positive draw. This is why, in those rare moments when inspiration comes to you (“Maybe I’ll take a self-defense class” or “I should go back to school”), you do something semi-immediately (in the next several minutes) to hold yourself accountable to doing that. Whether it’s calling up the gym to set an appointment or signing up for the courses you wanna take, the idea’s to do something pronto, so you can’t backpedal Homer Simpson style later. (Or at least it’s a lot harder, too.) The idea here, is that – whether you’re inspired to call your lonely aunt, take out the trash, or get your doctorate – you’re catching an inkling to do something that’ll ultimately boost your self-esteem. And, as some dude smarter than I am once said, self-esteem’s the reputation we have with ourselves. And I say that – without that – we’re kinda doomed to have our willpower foundation fall apart. And everything else, too.

So, never ignore the inspo. Cast a line, reel it in, and use it to fuel the other six tips.

I get that some of these tips might seem totally irrelevant to that “burning desire” you’re going through right now. But I promise – heed these tips and they’ll bleed over into more important stuff. ’cause when you start teaching your head organ how to abide by standards (and cultivate an atmosphere that aids in that path), you won’t go into cerebral freeze up mode so easily every time it comes to the crunch – deciding whether or not to send your life up in flames for a fix.

So… what will you do to replenish your will power bar today?

Better decide quickly 😉

Crying comedians aren’t unique – we’re all Pagliacci.

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There’s a reason cliches become cliche.

And when it comes to the Pagliacci reference, it’s easy to see why.

It may seem strange that the likes of Robin Williams or Mitch Hedberg – people with this almost alien ability to summon chuckles from us – could ironically suffer such sadness off stage that they’d take drugs, take their own lives, or both. This, however, is the ugly skull that sits under the face of addiction. Depression. Bipolar disorder. Whatever your DSM categorization of it might be, mental illness comes in many forms – and it often goes hand in hand with an inability to put down a drug once you pick it up. And the difference between Mitch and Williams isn’t so great. Mitch, still in active addiction, tragically overdosed. Robin, on the contrary, had gotten clean – but the demons remained. This is why they say that addiction’s not about the drugs, but the unresolved monsters that haunt your cognition.

In a way, I couldn’t help but think of these guys in light of the string of suicides I’m seeing in my region recently. Some of them have been overdoses. Some of them have to do with unchecked mental maladies. But almost all of them have something in common with the comedians I’m seeing: that addiction to externals. We often joke about social media, but the common denominator that keeps popping up in the online obits is akin to this: “She seemed to so happy on Instagram” or “He was always posting jokes on Facebook”. It brings to mind another applicable cliche: “Methinks she doth protest too much.” Whether it’s a slew of inspo-graphics and motivational quotes or a cascade quips and one liners, sometimes we overdo it try to cover up the pain of merely being. (Guilty myself.) No one knows that better than an addict – active or not. Recently, I find myself refreshing apps far too frequently. Who am I making laugh? Who can make me laugh? Who likes this string of words I just birthed from my brain? Who approves of my newfound commitment to yoga? To self affirmation? To Starbucks? In a way, it’s no different than trying to prize guffaws from an audience. It seems benign enough. An OD on laughter needs no Narcan revival. Yet, it’s a rush – that approval. Until it leaves you. Then, you’re searching for the next hit. The next giggle fix. Or like. Or double tap.

It’s all the same really.

So many of us are addicted to something aren’t we?

So, who’s a success story in this sad string of similar stories and slow suicides via addiction?

I suppose that would include recovering addicts of all kinds, who have done the inner work. By that, I mean people who’ve not just sought out substitutes and shoe in fixations – technological or not – but done the daily consciousness remodeling required to manage the incessant insanity. Supermodel and actress Amber Valleta, for example, explains the pain of being a human being in one talk she gave. Meditation and prayer, she says were vital in her recovery after getting clean at 25. But, more importantly, she insists that helping others cope with it is key. Similarly, Russell Brand, who helped dredge me out of the chemical trenches of my own pharmaceutical cell, makes it a chronic commitment of his to help fellow addicts seek treatment via meetings. His words ever resonate with me: “When the pain gets great enough, we seek another way.”

And we do.

Unfortunately, for some of us, that will only ever mean we “seek another way to get high”. Another way to usher in that rush until we relapse. Another way… than living at all. Or all three – in that order. This is why the internal work in conjunction with interpersonal work is so crucial for anyone inviting suicide to the option table. Whether or not we want to admit it, most of us are addicted to something – particularly those of us contemplating an early end to existence. Disagree? How about this fun fact: an obsession with exterminating yourself comes from an addiction to your own thoughts. The same thoughts on rotation, played through the same dim filter setting you’ve also gotten addicted to. If you could change those thoughts, wouldn’t you? Given the option, wouldn’t you rather feel the way your genuinely content companions do? We can’t tell ourselves that that’s impossible or not who we are. As addicts, we know that it was possible for chemicals to change who we were. So if chemicals can change who we are, why can’t our own thought-born intrinsic neuro-chemicals change us? The trick is to change that. And we can’t do that alone. If you hang out only with yourself, you’re going to keep receiving the same bad advice you’ve been internally issuing. To think outside the box, you’ve got to go outside the roof topped box you live in, network with veteran sufferers and survivors, and pick up new tips on how to live and thrive.

In the end, we all “use” in different ways. The key’s not to beat ourselves up, but recognize it and ask “what suffering am I covering?” If you can answer that, then the follow-up’s “what’s the real solution to it?” (preferably a solution that’s not got alcohol in it). And if you can’t answer either? Well, then try my trifecta that has yet to fail me for the past two and a half years: 1.) Do yoga 2.) Meditate 3.) Connect with someone attempting to amend themselves also.

That last one’s a biggie.

Because whether it’s laughter or likes online is irrelevant. When we stand on a stage (social media or the auditorium sort) extracting external validation, we do that alone. In isolation. We take the digital hat tips and audible approval and we go home alone with them like a single stripper with singles in her g-string. There’s something isolating about prizing praise from others if the bait was uninspired and not coming from somewhere authentic. Granted, we shouldn’t vomit our problems into Twitter like it’s a toilet – but there’s nothing authentic about a misrepresented life online or one liners to cover up what you’re not modifying.


(He concedes this is a chronic struggle somewhere around 37 seconds in)

This is what Russell Brand gets right. He finds the funny in the mundane while motivating viewers to self betterment. How? Because he’s done the work. He’s gotten honest with himself. And, as a result, he can be blatant about it – but not bitter. This is because he’s not bitter. He’s fixing himself daily because he’s conjured up a posse of others like himself on the road to recovery. That’s why we’ve all got to find a tribe with whom we can address our individual, legitimate issues, too (instead of simply sugarcoating them with empty cackles or commiseration). We let them help us… and then we help other sufferers too. This is the imperative inner work. This is what leads to making us who we wish we were. This is the best prevention against the clown’s tear tracks and track marks alike.

Do that – and any validation that happens after will also follow you into your solitude.

Buzz-free bars are all the rage. (And so are sober raves.)

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Not long ago, I think I told y’all about a sober networking app.


(Yep, that’s the one.)

But whether you’ve accrued pals in rehab, the rooms of recovery, or just the checkout line of your local Whole Foods – what happens when you and your newfound, fellow, chemical-free companion finally hang out? Do you just sit around in awkward silence at the local cafe? Go sit in a darkened theater where you don’t even interact? Turn the whole thing into a sober Tinder affair that fizzles by sunrise? Ghost on eachother if there’s zero friend chemistry? It could be difficult, stoking the fires of a new dynamic – especially if you’re nervous about meeting new peeps. Because, when you’re worried, the last thing that comes easily is trying to creatively generate recreational activities that don’t entail libations.

Lucky for some younger drug-free folk, a whole juice-crawl culture is evolving.

That’s right. It’s not about grog or rum they’re after, but swilling chlorophyll. The interesting thing? Not all of them are recovering addicts, either. Sure, some are in their 30’s. But some are also just millennials (reluctant to bear that label) who simply want to join what’s now the counter-culture antithesis of Miley and her Mollies. The new rebellion is sobriety. Why? Because more kids are seeing the unproductive, depressing stupor and stupidity suffered by their parents and cohort group alike. Seeing how opposite-of-cute that is, they’ve come to value mindfulness, spirituality, and – ya know – actually having their faculties instead. (Who’d’ve thunk it?) It may sound basic, but it’s anything but that. It takes some next level self-awareness to realize that numbing the pain induced by a confused culture and society is not the answer.

And that’s why they’re going against the “grain” – to see things ever clearer.

Enter sober bars and raves.


(*Obviously* I’mma rock my onesie too for sunrise clubbing. Duh.)

There’s a place called “The Other Side” in Chicago, for instance. It’s not like an A.A. meeting with disco lights or anything. It’s your regular venue style club – but just sans the spirits at the bar. (And the age min is 17.)

Even “day raves” are a thing now, too.

Daybreaker’s is this buzz-free pre-meridian party that happens in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, for example. It kicks off just after the crack of dawn (er… 7:00 A.M.) and parties til nine-ish (again – in the A.M.). It’s fantastic because, for those who loathe rising early to hit the human hamster wheel for fitness (but wanna keep a pre-work cardio routine), you get epic exercise dancing to EDM amongst randos. What’s more, they’ve got a bar full’ve coffee and fruity water to replenish you and enjoy the sole legal high you permit yourself: caffeine. (Do they serve Starbucks? ’cause if so, I’m there yestermorning.) The nice thing? They move from place to place. And since they initiated a couple’ve years ago, I wouldn’t be surprised if they haven’t branched out by now. Google sober raves in your area to see what pops up, if that’s something that “resonates” with you.

Or mayhaps you’re one of those mature millennials.

Bars and clubs are dumb to you whether or not they come with drinkable drugs.

In which case, I say forget the above… and click here now.

30 drugless forms of fun for 30 and overs

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Last article, I touched on the (admirable) rise of clean-culture.

It’s this new thing some millennials are getting into after having learned from the mistakes of their parents and getting fed up with pop stars praising pill popping and partying. They still wanna party – but with their faculties intact. So they’re trying everything from “juice crawls” to “day raves”. And that’s amazing (especially since millennials have such a bad rep), but maybe you’re a bit like me – a li’l older than this group.

And you feel a bit outta place at raves.

And, thus, you crave something a bit more… your speed.

If so, there’s still an eff load of fun stuff you can do after the death of your twenties – depending on what your recreational proclivities are. I found this out when I started dating a fellow sober dude last year (my first relationship since cleaning up.) And, I’ll be honest, I had to eviscerate my creative brain to come up with fun stuff we could do (that wouldn’t make me want to either relapse or turn to sex as a palliative for my insecurity and innate anxiety.) The result? A dazzling cascade of Kodak moments (which, if you’re my age, is a reference you’ll get) that I never would’ve done in my drunken, hazier days. So, if you and your late 20’s, early 30’s buddy (doesn’t hafta be a date, mind you – it could just be your new, buzz-free bestie) and you are hard up for re-clean-ational activities, take a few from my list.

In fact, off the top’ve my dome, I can think of at least 30 alone. Ones, at that, that have nada to do with saying “cheers” while clinking glasses of chia infused Kombucha or green drank. Because maybe that’s not your thing. And being clean doesn’t mean you have to change who it is you are at your nougaty human center.


(Spoiler. The firing range is one of them.)

Thus, here are 30 forms of cleantertainment for 30 year olds ‘n over:

1. Go standup paddleboarding.
2. Take a yoga class.
3. Do some pottery painting.
4. Try Barre instead of the bar.
5. Farmer’s Market.
6. Raid instead of rave – the thrift store for affordable duds.
7. Go paintballing.
8. Taking a martial arts class together.
9. Taste test new, exotic fruits together from your local Global Market.
10. Bounce it out at the nearest trampoline park (I highly recommend dodge ball).
11. Crash a Buddhist temple’s meditation hour.
12. Get inked together.
13. Get pierced together.
14. Try that one new restaurant in town.
15. Give the firing range a shot.
16. Hit up the carnival that just came to town. (Or amusement park.)
17. Spend hours at Barnes ‘n Noble, reading for free and only paying for coffee.
18. Karaoke (if you’re both far enough into recovery not to be tempted at a bar).
19. Snowball fight (if it’s snowing).
20. Beach volleyball (if it’s summer-ing).
21. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity together (#humblebraggingforlater)
22. Rollerblading, running, biking, or hiking in the park.
23. Dog park (if you’ve got a dog).
24. Laser tag (actually haven’t done this one yet…)
25. Visit a fortune-teller (or some mystical sort’ve business – for fun.)
26. Do a Toastmaster’s meeting together.
27. Go indoor rockclimbing.
28. Try horseback riding.
29. Have a thumb-war while waiting to be seated at a restaurant
30. Stage a casual friend-terview after you get seated.

And there you are.

At any age, sober doesn’t need to equal so-bored. So, grab your latest clear headed companion, try any of the things above, and then report back here to tell me how it went. My guess? You’ll be surprised at how much better “fun” is when it’s unfiltered and you can actually remember it later. (Without relying on your regrettable Facebook updates or text-alog.)

Best’ve luck, my drugless buddies.

Why do you keep hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? HUH?

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I talk a lot about spirituality in recovery on here.

But, if I’m being honest, blind faith wouldn’t have been enough to keep me clean in early recovery. Don’t get me wrong. I love the step programs. It’s just that, as someone with a bio degree, I can’t help but ask why about everything. And I had a helluva lotta “why’s” coming into the rooms. Ones about why the program worked (which some TED talks shone a more scientific light on). Ones about how imitating a potato for twenty minutes (meditation) can possibly help. (Which documentaries explained – showing how a practice can physically alter the brain to help heal addictions.) But the biggest one no one seemed able to answer was…why am I here?

Why do I have this issue of fixation – and most I know don’t?

And that was the biggest thing nobody seemed to talk about. I don’t mean the “what happened to you when you were little” stuff, either. Clearly, certain events can set the eight ball in motion early on. No. What I wanted to know was what – at the chemical level – was going on in my brain to make things like exercise anorexia, obsession with schmexy time, and dragging a blade across my bare flesh seem like totally acceptable answers? I needed something I could relate to.

Little did I know that a lotta this stuff actually comes from the same place.

In the past, I’ve referred to this as an intrinsic void we all wanna fill – illicitly or not. And, yeah, that’s true. After I kicked the scripts from my life, all the aforementioned harmful desires were still there. But this abstract concept of a common darkness was entirely unsatisfying. Biologically, how does that look? Well, according to a recent article I just read – it comes from the fact that it feels good.

So, what – does that just make us pleasure seeking heathens who can’t moderate?

Not necessarily. See, that feel-goodery has a name. Some call them endorphins. Others call them endogenous opioids. (But the former’s shorter and easier so we’ll go with that.) And we tend to get them after running, bumping uglies, or (more of an eyebrow raiser, but, yes – it’s true) self harming. Why? ’cause it’s nature’s way of rewarding us on an evolutionary level. Running’s tantamount to predatory escape. To stay ahead of that forest dwelling monster, your body supplies you with pain effacing chemicals. That way, you can live on and reproduce…which brings us to the next one. Sex. Now, this one’s probably obvious, but we’ll cover it anyway. Sex gives you a full body buzz because it’s a prize for propagating more people from your gene pool. Then, finally, the one that may seem opposite of sex is self harm. (Seeing as sex brings about life and self harm is more of a foreplay for ending it.) In a way, if you’re indulging in the former two things – sex and exercise obsessions – you probably already have noticed this pop up to a degree. Too much monkey business or treadmilling may be making for muscle pulls and bruises. But even if you’re just self puncturing for funsies, yes, there’s an evolutionary purpose. See, when we’re hurt, our bods release endorphins, too. On an evolutionary level, it’s a way to avoid getting too pain-crippled to get to safety, lick our wounds, recover, and carry on living.


(Though running with your arms out, Snow White style, pro’lly just wastes energy.)

Okay.

But why do some of us do the stuff to excess and others not so much?

Because some of us have less of these wellness chemicals to start with. “Normal” folk have a normal amount, and for whatever reason (genetics, environment, who cares), others of us don’t. So we find something we love – like jogging – and do it ’til our kicks have got nada but bloody stumps and shredded tendons left in them. As addicts, we probably just stick to one or two of those things and obsess over them.

My advice?

Next time you notice you’ve started a genital bender, solo marathon, or auto-somatic slicing, just pause for a moment. Put everything down. Your partner’s butt. Your butterfly knife. Your Nikes. And, instead of judging yourself, remember your evolutionary tendency has helped lead you here. Whether you’re running, running trains, or running a blade down your wrist – endorphins’re meant to help you endure. You make a li’l less of the stuff, so your body’s chemically hijacked you outta desperation for relief. The only problem is that this twisted solution’s causing more problems. So it’s time to deplane the pain Boeing and try another way.

And that’s the first step. You recognize that while it’s not normal in comparison to the rest of the population, it’s normal for someone – like you – who doesn’t make enough of the stuff in their body pharmacy.

Step two? Find some other someones suffering through the same thing. Because the indulgence/desire cycle can make you feel pretty effing isolated, stepping into a step meeting or something similar can help you feel less like a vice seeking pariah.

Step three? Set a plan to alter your habits that’re making you unhappy. Maybe we can’t help that we’re starting out at a less-than-stellar endorphin level. But we can raise them without having to self harm in the process. There are tons’ve endorphin boosting activities out there. Sure, running and sex are a couple. But others include playing with your pup, watching a comedy, cleaning house, getting a massage, meditating, sharing coffee with a friend, trying something new… the list is longer than Kerouac’s scroll draft of “The Road”. (There’s another good mood booster: reading.) By mixing up which ones you do when – and putting a time limit on them – you can make sure you’re getting your au natch highs without the inconvenience of going all Charlie Sheen in the process, preventing you from leading a normal life.

And that’s the idea. Because step four is to use your opioids proactively – with the aim of them serving as a sturdy foundation for your work in the world. You wake up, exercise, meditate, do whatever activity makes you feel good both while and after it’s happening, and then there’ll be a bit more zest in your trek to work. This is literally the only way I survive life. I’ve got my routine every day. Run. Yoga. Meditate. Starbucks (Okay, maybe that one’s not natural.) Minus a baseline A.M. self-made high, my day’s task tower collapses in flames before noon. But by moderating enough morning wellness beforehand, I’m golden til it’s GTFO’ clock.

So, sure, fuel up on your internal pharmacy.

But only get high enough on your own supply that your return to reality’s palatable.

That way, you’ll still have the good shiz left in stock for tomorrow.

6 tips for 12 step meeting shares (Part 2)

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In the last article, I shared a few tips about sharing at a meeting.

Ya know, just a few things that’ve helped me personally: (How to clear your head beforehand, how to authentically talk when you speak, and how to not have a memory eff up when it’s share o’ clock.) Those are all great for the personal part of it. But what about the other folk in the room? Just because you’re not playing verbal volleyball all meeting, doesn’t mean some level of exchange isn’t happening. It totally is. So, here’s just a few more tips I’ve accrued in recovery on the silently interactive part of sharing.

4. Be open-minded and observe the situation.

Now that you’re comfy enough in your own skin to share, you might hear a follow up share from someone else that either feels like it’s negatively comparing or condescending or (Higher Power forbid) they might even break out the second person: “YOU”. “You need to…” or “You have to…”

Ugh.

No matter what comes after, it’s automatically vexing advice – espesh since it’s coming from someone you don’t even know. And, I’ll admit, my auditory drapes start to draw themselves closed when I hear that shiz too. But I try to remember something anytime this happens. (Especially since I’ve taken the time to come to a meeting and want to get something out of it.) See, I was really lucky before going into my first meetings. Beforehand, I encountered some next level spiritual people who taught me this: “Anyone who’s acting aggressive is going through issues of their own. There’s no need to feel attacked by them. But you can feel compassion for them.” The other thing? That “Everyone is your teacher.” The serene chick in the corner. The jovial ex-drunk leading the meeting. The quiet guy in the corner. They are all demonstrating for you what elements of yourself you’d like to educe and which ones you’d rather release and avoid. A man – John, I think, was his name – got in my face after one meeting, telling me what I needed to do. He was very loud and overbearing. My natural draw was to get loud back at him. Instead? I smiled, thanked him for his suggestions, and asked him how his recovery was going. I won’t lie and say that I really wanted to know. I knew anyone acting in such a nerve-grating way couldn’t be doing great. But, I also won’t say it was sarcasm. Because it genuinely wasn’t. What I was trying to do, rather, was show compassion – by helping him reroute his aggressive energy back toward managing his own recovery. It’s so easy to try and fix other people when you’re unwilling to fix yourself. I try to remember John every time I find myself doing this outside the rooms. In that way, even the Johns of the world are our teachers. They’re a beautiful reminder of how we don’t wanna be.

My hope’s that John left, recognizing that in himself and trying to change it.

I’d love to see him somewhere down the line, thriving and authentically content.

5. Build off others’ shares

While the aim in sharing’s to vent or inspire, it’s always nice to know we’re heard.

(Which is tough feedback to get in those no-interaction meetings, which most’ve ’em are.) So, I try cognitively jotting down a few notes and nametaking when I hear others offering their stories. I invite you to try this. See if their eyes don’t light up when you liken your tale to theirs: “I like the point that Sharon brought up about having a morning routine. I think that’s what might be missing from my recovery” or “That could have been me saying Karen’s share; I binged watched three seasons of Sons of Anarchy in a weekend, too…” It’s easier for others to listen to you when they know you’ve been listening to them . And for you, it’s a practice in seeing how you ‘n your new crew are more similar than different.

6. Don’t forget the “strength” and “hope” when you share.

This final one just might be the most salient.

Because you’ve probably heard the phrase about sharing “experience, strength, and hope” before. And that’s the idea with shares. You start with the hideous history, and then ‘xplain how you rose like a fluffing Phoenix outta the ashes and what cosmic force or random act of kindness ore epiphany helped you do it. Thing is, on a bad day, it can be easy to “forget” those hopeful facets of your story. Why? ’cause when we’re wallowing in problems, life’s lighter parts seem so far away. Plus, if we wanna use, a convenient memory lapse about your past helps you confirm your cravings.


“So, that’s my experience. Now for the dope. I mean hope.”

This is why meetings (and shares) are so important, I suppose.

I mean, if we force ourselves to talk about the bad, the ugly, and the good and the transcendentally inspiring – we’re reminding ourselves out loud of the whole picture. About why we’re staying sober ‘n clean. So are those around us with their similar shares. So, yeah, talk about your drunk or drug-a-log, sure. Even talk about how you miss the warm and cozy hug of drugs. But, we should never leave out the bit about how bad it got and why we stopped. That alcoholic aha moment. The hope that followed. All of that’s vital for all attendees – not the least of whom’s the sharer. Like my friend Marcy whose son died in a car accident – just a few months before the night I met her. Her shares were always fascinating, because it was never just what she was saying but how she was as she was saying it. There was this radiance that shone straight from the tools the program had equipped her with. Despite the gut wrenching pain she was visibly in, there was this unbridled fire of serenity and love that raged on within her. And it was contagious. She needed those meetings to keep it going – in her, and in the rest of us. And when she spoke about being grateful for her time with her son – or for coming into the program in time to have the means to handle such tragedy without using, I believed her. It didn’t feel like lip service. She wasn’t faking.

And it made me want to keep coming back… so I wouldn’t have to either.

6 tips for 12 step meeting shares (Part 1)

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“Sorry if I seem nervous…

…I’m used to having a cocktail of narcotics and benzos coursing through me before this sort’ve thing. But… I’m trying to see if I can get on without them. Just for today. Just for this hour. The next fifteen minutes. And, ya know, so far – aside from the sweats, shakes, and that burgundy Minotaur that keeps appearing in the corner which I’m pretty sure’s not real – ya know… so good.”

My opening share got a good belly laugh from my fellow meeting attendees, but mayhaps the most funny thing about it was probably that I wasn’t trying to be funny. (For once.) On the contrary, I was terrified. See, I was in withdrawal. And crazy. And angry. And anxious to share with strangers. But that instant connection immediately drew me in. Realizing they were laughing because they could relate, put us all on a common ground. And it made this formerly daunting prospect – talking in front’ve randoms – seem so much easier. We weren’t strangers anymore. We were chemical-free comrades about to shoot the shiz about our history and hope. Sharing is never easy in a meeting. But by doing it, it bonds us with a like-minded tribe of people, inspires others, and builds up that feel-good hormone Oxytocin that lets us leave feeling like we’ve just filled up at the spiritual smorgasbord. That’s why I’ve come up with a few tips to help myself out during the course of recovery. Here are six of them that’ve helped me out heaps.

You’re welcome to try them, if you like:

1. Pregame if you can

Some of us might recall the joys of pre-gaming. (Getting so lit you’re illiterate before you even hit the main event. Which for some may have been the club – and for others – everyday life.) While the days of polluted pregamery are long gone, there’s still value behind the idea of the pregame that can apply now. That’s pregaming for your meeting. When I have time, I like to get into a “meeting mindset”. Actually, I try to do this before any interactive event where service is a factor – whether it’s a meeting or my everyday job. It’s like a mental preparation to get me in the giving spirit. (Versus my yooj default setting of selfishness.) That’s why meditating beforehand’s always helped me. We all do it differently, though. For some of us, it turns into plugging into our Higher Power outlet and requesting a little serenity. For some it might be a cardio or yoga ritual. For others, yet, it might even just be perusing the program literature. Whatever you do, make sure to toggle on that deep breathing to toggle off your schizo mode. ’cause a lot of the thought induced craziness in your brain’s based on what your body’s doing. It’s far easier for sharing-clarity to come when you’re calm. Tuning into a tranquil pre-game’s a great way to make that happen.

2. The thought part of the pregame

While clearing your mind of egoic bullshiz is definitely priority, there’s a whole ‘nother level to prepping. Especially for those early recovery days when your thoughts are lost in a glob of neural linguine. And that’s the idea of making a light list of share points. Throughout the day, I’d just jot down ideas in my phone as they’d come about stuff that was bothering or inspiring me. It helped me make this bulletized, mental list of what I wanted to cover later. Because the idea’s never to “rehearse” (we’re not doing a standup bit or Toastmaster’s meeting here); but there’s nothing worse than coming home after a meeting and thinking “Ah, I really wanted to get that off my chest”. (But if you do, then you can always text – or even go crazy and call – your sober buddy to keep the recovery after-party going strong.

3. Speak from the heart.

Keep in mind, though, having a mental guideline doesn’t mean you can’t share authentically.

Quite the opposite. Remember that you took any notes you did before – because that was what you were genuinely feeling earlier today. Many of us tend to clam up and verbally vomit out everything but what’s legitimately bothering us once it comes time to talk. Why? I dunno what your reason is, but I did this a lot back when I was new (still do on days I forget the mental pregame aspect), and then later on when I return to the rooms after being out’ve them for a while. And what’s going on in my brain? “What if I’m sharing wrong? Saying something that’s not in line with the program principles? What if I’m the only one who’s done this and they’re judging me?” Keep in mind that the peeps around you are there to relate and share in your experience – not accost you. Half of anxious sharing comes from nothing more than self-consciousness. (The other half probably being withdrawals ‘n the like, I imagine.) Lucky for us, there’s a fix for this. Many a confidence coach will tell you “act as if everyone already likes you”. The idea’s that you don’t have to try to worry about anyone’s approval by saying or being anything other than what comes naturally. They’re already cool with you. Mission accomplished. Now you can move on by talking to these peeps like they’re the pages of your personal junkie or drunkie journal.

(Continue reading here for how to share interactively at a meeting.)

Sober Grid: you don’t have to be alone. Even when you are.

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Find yourself isolating a bit lately?

Avoiding others? Hiding away?

Making up excuses not to keep your disease in check?


“TF you talking about? I’m fine…What day is it?”

It’s okay. We all feel that urge to hole away sometimes and avoid interaction. The thing is, though, we need to be able to talk with someone other than our own inimical monkey-mind about life’s arising issues. From our cravings to the unrelated daily vexations that make us have them in the first place, reality’s excellent at pitching shiz at us. And it’s always nice to have someone at the ready to arm us with a relatability bat for a home run. But if running to your home is literally all you ever wanna do, that can be hard. That unique clean guru you acquired is great ‘n all. But what do you do when your sponsor’s at work? In a movie? Having an issue of his own? And can’t be reached?

Why, use our other collective cultural addiction to fix it, obviously..

Our phones.

’cause, lucky for us, there’s an app called Sober Grid – which proves solitude doesn’t have to mean isolation anymore:


(I had no idea most addicts were white, 20 year old, American Apparel models. But we’ll go with it.)

Think of it as kind of a sober-focused Facebook. People log onto Sober Grid to share, listen, get inspired, and get talked down from cravings. Much like it is in ZuckerLand, you’ll see a feed of updates when you log in where you can sobrie-tweet whatevz going on in your life. Also, you can always widen your network. And if you need help ASAP? There’s this “burning desire” button – which is basically a Bat Signal for your pals to help hamper your hankerings before they can turn into using. Think: “Field of Fiends”. If you click it, they will come. And they will relate. And they will help you remember why it’s a terrible idea.

Named the best sober app on either Apple or Android devices, the thing’s already helped a shiz ton of ex-junkies ‘n drinkers. And for good reason too. Because, testimonials plastered onto the website aside, it’s actually helped people I personally know. Example? A buddy’ve mine, Kyle, who’s coming up on his nine year anniversary this May:

Another fun feature on this thing is their geo-locator.

While I generally loathe the notion of being “tracked” by anything, there is something to be said about finding local folk who share your desire to eschew extracurriculars of the mind altering variety. I say this because, as someone who doesn’t exactly live in a metropolis, the meetings are sometimes kinda sparse. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve met some stellar souls up in there. But, the thing is, not all of them are necessarily people I’d hang out with to grab a coffee or dinner with. In the initial stages of recovery, I’d find myself compartmentalizing. Socializing at the meetings – but then only talking recovery when I’d grab a latte with a fellow clean companion. It felt like all we had in common was this one malevolent force we actively had to keep in check everyday. I wanted something more in common than an invisible enemy, you know? Sure, it’s crucial to keep clean at our foundation, but I wanna connect on a higher level too – what do you do for fun, now that you’re a few years clean? What are your passion projects? How was your kid’s dance recital? All that kinda stuff. You don’t exactly get to choose who’s going to be at your meetings. And sometimes that’s great (because it opens you up to seeing A.) different viewpoints and B.) how we’re all essentially the same, at our core). But, other times, it’s less good. People won’t follow the meeting rules or they’ll get off track, deterring you from returning. With a browse-able local sober network, you can customize your recovery by locating peeps in your proximity who you might better connect with in the flesh.

So, friends, I’d highly suggest downloading this app now and taking an eyeball tour of it. That way, next time you find yourself going all Gollum in the hovel you call home, you’ll have some sober associates to virtually invite into your clean quarantine. It’s a way of connecting without doing all the stuff you don’t wanna do when you’re in isolation mode (like: leave the house, speak, wear anything but underpants…) The upside? Between the inspirational interaction and that geo-locator, all that apathy might just change.

You might even find some local sober-ians you’re willing to conclude your seclusion for.