Why do they keep saying “keep coming back”?

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Why do they tell you to “keep coming back?”

It’s been 30 days. One month. 720 consecutive hours… that you’ve remained clean.

And by now you officially have so many meetings and self-help books under your belt that you waking yourself up in the middle of the night, reciting the opening program literature betwixt Buddhist quotes. Why the hell do you need to “keep coming back” now? Isn’t it stuck in there enough?

Not necessarily, says science.

You see, while the step programs will let you know straight away that they’re “spiritual, not religious”, we can’t avoid the basic biology behind it. I mean, they can, ‘cause it’s not their job to teach you brain science (plus you’d probably get bored). All you need to know is the old idiom “it works if you work it”. But if you’re naturally curious and intrinsically critical like I am, you probably have a million and one questions. Sure, you might remain quiet about them in a meeting – for the sake of seeming to seek out “similarities; not differences”, but the two year old within you batters you with the monosyllabic “Why? Why? But… WHY?” And she won’t be quieted until you get home and do some Googling yourself. Which is exactly what I did on one of those many sleepless nights, early on, when I was hoping to find something scientific to prove this was all one big stream of dog diarrhea and I shouldn’t be there. Unfortunately for my truculent ego terrified of change, I was gonna be disappointed.

What I found, early on in recovery, was a bit of neuro-scientific fact called neuroplasticity:

Neuroplasticity, also known as brain plasticity, is an umbrella term that encompasses both synaptic plasticity and non-synaptic plasticity—it refers to changes in neural pathways and synapses due to changes in behavior, environment, neural processes, thinking, and emotions – as well as to changes resulting from bodily.

Yes. Anything you do – any habit – literally, physically changes your brain.

You could spend those three months playing piano or learning Spanish instead, and you know what? Well, you’d get really good at bellowing out Enrique Iglesias’s “Hero” in his native tongue while plunking out the accompanying chords (couldn’t hurt on the dating scene, either, IMHO). But, also, a brain-o-gram (very medical term) would show structural changes… just like it would after several months of AA or NA meetings (granted – maybe different looking in that different parts are being activated – but visibly altered in both situations nonetheless). Whatever you repeat, you become better at – whether it’s laudable or loathsome. You are your habits. But you can change your habits. Thus, you can change who you are.

And that’s because of the nature of neuroplasticity.

If you repeat taking drugs and drinking, you get very skilled at exactly that (until your neurological system fails you and you get the shakes while try’na fill your goblet, of course). Do you wanna get better at remaining clean? Then you stay clean one day at a time. And if you wanna get better at remaining clean without resenting it, life, and everyone in it? Then you stay clean, one day at a time, hang around people who’ve been both sober and serene, and do what they do until all the little bridges in your brain link up just right and you realize you’re manifesting the same kinda life yourself. That may be one of the most important things to remember if you believe only what you see. It’s not just an idea, this neuroplasticity. It’s a physical thing happening in your head’s organ that you just can’t see ’cause you’re eyes can’t process what’s directly behind ’em (but you can look at plenty of other people’s MRI readouts to know it’s true).

And how long’s that take to accomplish? Well, there’s some argument about it. Some have claimed it takes as little as 21 days. Others say it takes at least 66. Some even claim it takes up to 200. Now, that’s a pretty wide range. But when it comes to a habit that had the help of actual chemicals changing your skull’s contents versus one generated by mere thoughts? Well, ain’t nobody got time to say they ain’t got time to invest in renovating that. Which is why you’ll hear “keep coming back” whether you’ve got 90 days or 90 years.

But there’s a reason they do key tag milestones for the first three you survive clean.

Science, bishes.

Love addiction… or just obsession? 5 remedies for whatever you wanna call it.

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The term “love addiction”, though quaint, always seemed more like some paradoxical euphemism to me.

A euphemism for obsession.


(Speaking of which, I was obsessed with these mannequin chicks first time I saw this vid)

Granted, it could also be a euphemism for sex addiction. But most times I’ve heard the term – it’s been in the context of that one friend you have whose iphone photo album is namely a shrine of her ex’s selfies. We’ve probably all been to a place before where the starring role of our desire cancels out all the supporting players in our life movie for at least a short while. But when that thought becomes a habit that translates into a perpetual reality, something else happens. And the problem with the term “love obsession” is this: While love is meant to be this unconditional acceptance, compassion, or intense affection, an addiction is something completely different. Something that depletes you on some level. So, then, what do we call this affliction? This flip from the puppy dog state of a South Park Stan puking on Wendy to broiling the family rabbit in the stove pot over unrequited love? (Let’s hope nunna us are quite there, yet?) Or how about even when we just fall for people too easily? While it may indeed be an addiction, I think it’s safe to say the “object” at the center of that addiction isn’t even love. If it’s a drug, you use it. If it’s a person, you’ve objectified them – intentionally or not – and have also been using them. Hence, the paradox.

And that’s because addiction – if it’s a disease versus dependency – isn’t about the person, place, or thing you’re presently fixated on. It’s about avoiding the void you feel inside – which makes it even more confusing when it comes to romantic or intimate interactions. Much like an alcohol addiction is more acceptable than a narcotic addiction, most don’t think twice about love as even being comparable to either. It’s not seen as a grave issue until it manifests as rapid fire text messages, an overbearing amount of contact in general, or unwanted visits. That’s only when it becomes active, though. Most times, it just sticks as a thought no one can see – and eating only you alive, unbeknownst to anyone – even the object-person. That’s why – as the obsessed person – it’s easy to delude ourselves that it’s “okay” and we’re “okay”. (That, is, until someone walks over to you and kindly asks you to move out of the road because, no, she will not willfully run over you with her car as your Woe Is Me ipod playlist lulls you to permanent sleep). And until you go all Marky Mark a la Fear on your “love” object, the law’s not likely to get involved like they would if you were making a smack transaction in the parking lot. That’s because the majority of these addictions happen in the privacy of your brain. So this one’s tricky. Maybe it’s not genuinely “love addiction”, but the spiritual deficit we’re trying to fill with others is indeed often a love shaped void. So it can be easy to assume that inviting someone into our lives is the answer.

Simple, right?

The problem with that is that, until the void is filled by our own doing, we’ll inevitably end up using the other party – which means at their expense somehow – to make ourselves feel alright. Comforted. Safe. Validated. I’m no stranger to this, as I’ve undergone it on every level – whether or not the object of my rumination knew it. Be it a best friend, monogamous lover, colleague, or celebrity I’ve met – no one’s free from the clutches of my self-flagellating thought processes. (“Do I even matter if they don’t approve of me and my life?”) Like any addict recovering from anything, I’m still not free from these internal tendencies. I have to manage it by shining a light on my own proclivities… before I start shining that interrogation lamp on the innocent party.

But the nice thing about stepping away from active addiction (aside from the sudden relief of departing thoroughgoing debt ranging from mind to actual money) is that you’re granted an awareness about it. Once you understand how preposterous the thoughts are that snowball into obsession, they’re a little easier to rise above. So, following this loquacious intro, I’ll offer you a handful of “Oh, yeah” brain tools I still use to till my sanity fields from day to day. For convenience sake, I’ve boiled my top go-to’s down to an alliterative device of 5 main pointers. A few of them are my own spins on this one stellar Psychology Today piece I encountered some time ago. Some come from mid-jog epiphanies. And others yet were bestowed upon me when I was doing a bit of number 3. Let’s begin with one of my faves:

1. Realize your thoughts are not facts

What are you really thinking of with respect to the person? And why is it making you unhappy? If it’s an addiction/obsession line of thinking, then that means you’re not doing so well. So that means the thoughts you’re having aren’t so great ATM. So, what is it? She didn’t call you back? He didn’t reply to your text? And then what? This means she doesn’t like you. This means he’s with someone else. And then? You’re not good enough for them. She’s probably sleeping with your best friend. The slut. Now you’re angry. You must not be good enough for anybody. This stock sample example isn’t a far cry from the cerebral snowballs that do donuts in my head sans my permission from time to time – and not just when it comes to romantic dynamics. But once you realize that this is nothing more than a thought – not actual truth – you can grant yourself permission to launch a beam of awareness sunshine on that ball of ice freezing your brain down, and grow up a garden of contentment about life in general. How? Remind yourself: these thoughts may very well be wrong. So why are you letting potential lies drain your mental energy?

2. Remember: when you are fixated on a person, there are actually two people.

One is the actual flesh and blood person.

The other is the idea of the person you’ve been building in your brain. A story you’ve concocted about them, not realizing it’s not real. Is the girl you’re thinking of flawless whenever you see her? Does she smile a lot? Look fit? Have goals? Would you still pedestalize her if you knew she went home, cried, ate her feelings, threw them up, and then fell asleep with said throw up in her hair? What if what you think you know is all an act for the world? Or – what if the guy on your mind with the perfect physique actually has webbed feet and uses them to punt puppies off bridges to blow off steam? But let’s not be superficial here. What about who they are inside that you couldn’t see even if you broke into their home with an invisibility cloak and took diligent notes, Harry Potter meets Lifetime Original Movie style? If your obsession comes from an unrequited feeling, they could be suffering a painful past, money troubles, or work woes that make a connection difficult. On the other hand, they could just be too driven toward their goals to make you a priority. Or, tough as it may be to accept, maybe you’re just not their type. There’re plenty of reasons that the IRL person isn’t fulfilling the role of the one you’ve created in your head and thus failing to fulfill your desire. The bad news? You may never know which they are. The good news? None of them make you worth any less – unless you keep hanging onto a desire you know won’t be satisfied and letting your fixation on their life suck the bliss outta yours.

3. Recharge

A running mind builds momentum. And it’s hard as hell on Viagra to halt it.

But when you let yourself, you give yourself the gift of lucidity (however brief it may last – which is why you gotta keep returning to a meditation practice, they say). There are few psychogenic problems out there where I won’t list meditation as at least one way to mitigate them. And obsession is no exception. One easy way? Close your eyes. Deepen your breathing without forcing it. Focus on only your breathing. And as each thought comes, just return to that breath instead of entertaining the thought.

4. Rise above

This one’s kinda tough to do with out at least some form of number 3 (meditation). But there’s something about deep breathing and calming your parasympathetic nervous system that allows you to see things in the light of awareness (and “get” how true facts like number 2 are). I can’t be sure what it is, but I think it has to do with the fact that when we’re distraught or angry, we cannot think clearly or arrive at creative solutions (or be creative at all – which explains why some days my writing entries tally a whopping zero). If we force-calm ourselves by shutting down the stimuli around us and self-soothing, though (I go for a “meditative” run sometimes), the cognitive clutter dissipates enough to allow for that outside-the-box perspective to present itself.

5. Redirect focus

We’ll finish with this one because it ties with number 1 as a fave.

If they’re not as into you as you are into them, then that means their focus is elsewhere. Put in a tougher love tone: they’re not thinking of you, but any number of other things that are more interesting to them. (Ouch. I know. Sorry ’bout it.) So… could you do the same with respect to them? Focus on a task at hand and give your full attention to it? Hard as it is to execute (because you want what you want), I find this to be a great temporary fix. In fact, I once heard this piece of advice: if you want to get over someone, do what they’re doing. I was skeptical at first, but it kinda makes sense for getting over anyone you still thought-harp on. While that doesn’t literally mean to abandon your job as a nurse, hit the OR, and randomly try your hand at open heart surgery like your ex does everyday, it could mean something more general – like the things that attracted you to him or her in the first place. Do you like them because they have passions? Get some of your own (and indulge them). Do you like them because they’re goal oriented? Make some goals of your own (and work toward them). Do you like them because they can cook a mean ass vegan dinner (still haven’t found this guy, but bear with me for the sake of examples)? Maybe take a culinary class (and have a fire extinguisher ready and 911 pre-keyed into your phone if you’re anything like me). This is where it goes from merely distracting yourself from your feelings to actually growing from the experience. The thing I like about this idea is that it helps you work toward that thing I mentioned above: filling your own void. If one of the things you like about someone else is how they are and what they do, could you emulate that in a way that fits you? And then like (maybe even love) yourself just as much? Use what you’ve learned from them as a way to feel alright in your own skin? Before you go full crazy and turn someone else’s into a Buffalo Bill style blanket?

Hope this helps, my fellow loons!

Signing out (in the blood of my ex lover’s bunny, obviously).

Moderation Management: Like AA, except less sober.

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One of my favorite scenes in “Arthur” was his initial incognito AA visit.

“I’m here because I’d like to drink less…” he says to the group.

Although (much like the majestic man playing him) Arthur would come to realize “less” wasn’t sufficient, some people do. This was a tough concept for me to comprehend initially. Could some alcoholics cut back? Did that make them not-really-alcoholics? And – more importantly – how do you know? I suppose it’s a trial and error thing. When you come right down to it, terms like “alcoholic” and “addict” are just words. You could call yourself a “compulsive pornography enthusiast”, but if you’re doing it till you’re power gets cut and you lose your job, guess what? You’re a smut junkie. So the answer is to do some deep introspection and see for yourself by applying your theory to reality. You try to cut back, and you either do alright or fall back into old habits. But what if the latter happens? Does that mean you can’t manage it – and must abstain? Maybe. Or maybe you just need the ears of others who’ve got the same proclivity. This is what Moderation Management (cute in it’s double abbreviation, like AA) seeks to do. Much like the abstinence based programs, they don’t seek dues or fees, they let people share, have a few steps of their own for you to follow, and encourage helping one another. Unlike abstinence based programs, however, there’s none of the – ya know – abstinence. Instead, they suggest toning down the imbibing to mayhaps three or four times a week. Per their site:

Moderation Management (MM) is a behavioral change program and national support group network for people concerned about their drinking and who desire to make positive lifestyle changes. MM empowers individuals to accept personal responsibility for choosing and maintaining their own path, whether moderation or abstinence. MM promotes early self-recognition of risky drinking behavior, when moderate drinking is a more easily achievable goal. MM is run by lay members who came to the organization to resolve personal issues and stayed to help others.

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I like the way he puts this – for all you know, you may realize you’re not an alcoholic or addict after all and find exactly what you need in MM. In argument on behalf of those 12 step meetings, though, I will say that you’re never prescribed a lifetime of anything. You come to realize that all you’ve got when it comes to decision making is ahora. The present. Right now. That’s where the whole “one day at a time” thing comes in.

So, I remain open-minded about it. (It’s part of my program to be, so I don’t have a choice.) That is, I’m open-minded to the idea that it might work really well for some. (Tough for me to concede, since I tend to be self centered and assume my way’s the only way.) In fact, there’re copious testimonials about how the tools MM offers seem to work well. Honestly, it might even work for someone like me. It might. But I know from a historical review that I personally might as well load one bullet in a chamber, press it to my temple, and try to fire away along with my firewater. That might seem dramatic – and it is. The disparity between my mindset above versus under the influence of anything mind altering is indeed nada short of dramatic. But that doesn’t mean it won’t work for you, if you’re realizing you’re having a few issues moderating but can’t conceive of a life sans booze. All of it rests on whether – once you get honest with yourself – you identify as someone who has enough of a challenge moderating that you shouldn’t drink altogether. And you know what? You don’t have to decide that alone. I say, if you’re struggling, try out either group. Because the most important thing isn’t just about whether you’re mostly sober or totally abstinent, but what’s driving you to carry on as you are. And the crucial thing – when you’ve got a compulsion adversely affecting your life – is to get out there and talk to others who “get it”, have been there, and can possibly help you realize just what caliber of liquor swigger you are. Who knows. Maybe MM’s exactly where you need to be.

Or maybe, like Arthur, you’ll realize it’s time to tweak your formerly blithe view on this vice and try the other fellowship.


(#WrongMovie #SimilarEnoughStoryline)

But the first step of any program isn’t written on the opening literature.

The first step’s attending any meeting at all.

So mayhaps start there.

Are step programs a cure or a cult?

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So, you’ve chosen a step program as part of your new way of living.

And suddenly everyone (who’s never been in a program themselves) has a snide opinion about it.

It’s hard enough voluntarily initiating a quest to renovate your mind, body, and soul by ripping the scabs off every wound you’ve been anesthetizing for so long. That’s challenging in and of itself. But the cherry on top of this self-eviscerating sundae? When you realize that some around you have their own opinions about such programs. I myself, while giving meetings a try, found that among those I opened up to – there were at least a couple (out of three) who managed to teleport a passive aggressive eye-roll at me via tone of text (an impressive, but not impossible feat sans any actual emoji). And why? Well, the general consensus I was getting was that it was just another addiction – and a cult. Now, while concepts counter to the literature are generally frowned upon in the rooms, I remain open-minded (which actually the first step itself encourages). Also, as a woman of science, I question everything. Even if it’s quietly on my own. Are step meetings just another addiction? A crutch? Is it just a cult? Yes, I wondered this even before my “friends” chimed in with their two cents about coins for clean time.

So, let’s start with the first one by considering what we’re even talking about: a program.

Whether or not you realize (or like it), we all live according to some basic programming. The things you like, say, and do by rote are often part of your programming. For some, their program is a basic 9 to 5, sandwiched between Starbucks, carbon monoxide infused commutes, and caring for a family. For some, it’s the getting and using of mind altering chemicals, sandwiched between fleeting reprieves from misery and the insane belief that you’re carrying out a sustainable way of living. Whatever your general ritual is – is your programming. So what if you’re that latter junkie or drunkie, trying to sober up, and not sure how to cope with life? The only way to truly change someone like this – who’s clearly sad enough at their nougaty center if they’re willing to self-destruct slowly in order to avoid pain – is compassion, empathy, and – most importantly – a shiny new program to replace the god-awful one you’ve been trying to get by with on your own.

This is what a step program offers. You meet with others who can identify to vent about the bad stuff and share the good. You do the steps and practice the principles in order to learn a better way to get by. So why isn’t just a year or so enough? Why do people keep returning? I suppose it’s because the longer you’ve been addicted to something, the harder it is to prevent it from surfacing up over your favorable “replaced” habit. Also, we always need a support system of like-minded folk, and some people can’t find that outside the rooms. Plus, in a world full of distractions and where people marvel at you for staying sober (or don’t even invite you out at all ‘cause you’re a “nondrinker” and thus tantamount to a sideshow oddity), it can be kinda helpful to have a constant reminder of why you chose this route in the first place. Not everyone needs that; but if you do, you don’t have to consider meetings a crutch anymore than weekly mass for Christians is. The only difference is – the program is spiritual – not religious. That is to say, there’s no deity at the center.

Which leads us to the next question: is it a cult?

Well, how about you and Webster decide. Here’s just one definition for “cult”:

“A system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object.”

(Ah, not so much. Not a religion. Let’s try another.)

“A misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing.”

(Not quite. They are pretty focused on abstinence, but I wouldn’t call it admiration. Next?)

“A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.”

Ah! There we go. I knew we’d hit on something that awkwardly fit, eventually.

So, yeah, maybe the step programs are cult-like in the sub-article, second bullet definition sense of the word. Even though there’s no Hubbard-esque leader at our center, it technically fits because there are “others” (as my pontificating pals – and maybe a few of yours – have demonstrated) who consider it “strange”. (Mostly because they don’t get it, have never attended, and – above all – have likely never been addicts themselves; so I wouldn’t expect them to). But while we’re at it, we might as well say all of American culture is a cult – that is, to any “others” who don’t live here and find Western practices horrifying. It’s too general a definition. So much can fit in there. But, in the end, it’s all just words. Crutch. Cult. If it works for you so that you don’t go back to living at the bottom of a vodka or oxy bottle, who cares what they call it? Who cares what they think, for that matter? If you’re in it for the same reasons as most folk I know, it ain’t about a popular opinion poll – but a matter of your life. Or death.

So, if you like, go ahead. Put the recovering addicts in that bucket.

Just don’t expect the kool-aid at the meetings to be nearly as fun as Jim Jones’.

Or Jesus’ for that matter.

Hypnosis for addiction?

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When I was first cleaning up my body machine, I was all about hypnosis.


(Mmyes – that’s close – but a bit more modern. As in free and on Youtube.)

In fact, true to addict form, I got about a billion, put ‘em all on a playlist, and went on a lucid dreaming, outta body, slumber bender, peppered with narratives to lure my brain into a Frankensteinian new belief system of which prescriptions weren’t part. (Might explain my schizophrenic style nowadays, but let’s just go with it for now).
In any case, I noticed that some of them worked wonders by morning, while others were about as helpful as having it read aloud by Ben Stein set to a backdrop of elevator muzak. And while some of that may have had to do with how effective the narrator or script was, in retrospect, I realize far more of it probably had to do with me. How willing was I to let go of whatever I was trying to change? Stuff having to do with chemical dependency? Sure, I’d been ready to quit and tapering myself down for a year. This was a long time coming. But what I didn’t realize initially was that chemicals weren’t the only addiction. My thought habits were just as bad. And in order to tweak those other, more ingrained habits, it meant I had to combat laziness, fear, or both. Needless to say, I didn’t do so well initially. Mostly because I wasn’t able to accept that bloody abject terror was at the center of my unwillingness to alter my internal compulsions. But once I did come to understand that, I understood something else. Something very important: that if I didn’t drag that fear by the balls out into the light to change these other habits, the chemical ones would likely come back.

I dunno if this is backed by science, but ask yourself this: how often – when you’re obsessing over a bad thought – does a freight train full of other, seemingly unrelated ones seem to follow? Wouldn’t it make sense, then, that in order to change one – you have to address them all? It’s like a van full of children who inspire the others to start wailing when one starts doing it. Sure, you can just beat the thoughts into submission, but (theoretically) much like the children, they’ll just cry harder. So, what do you do? Give them candy to get them to STFU – or in our case, a redirected focus. I avoid the term “distraction” because it doesn’t necessarily mean supplanting an old thought with an improved one. A distraction could be porn or food or both (which, if you’re an addict, may just land you a combo case of carpal tunnel, a computer virus, and obesity). What hypnosis, on the contrary, can allow is putting you into an open enough mode to modify these things.

Or, as the Hypnotherapy Directory puts it:

Hypnosis involves being in a focused state of attention internally. While under hypnosis, suggestions are directed to the unconscious mind, which is normally not possible because of the interference from the conscious mind. Recreational drugs do not have to be what people turn to when they need an outlet and hypnosis can help you find these different paths.

However, open state or not –you must enter the sesh with a willingness (from the conscious mind) to change before any good can happen. It sounds nice in theory – being willing and open and all. But what that means is that if something is really hard (like entertaining new thoughts or beliefs versus ones that’re currently failing you), you do it anyway. (This can be especially hard if you get that one Scottish narrator with a lisp, can’t take him seriously, and start laughing so hard at 1 in the morning that your neighbors can hear you). And that’s where the integrity comes in – not just “what you’re doing when no one’s looking” – but the concept of being willing to integrate what you truly want to change into all facets of your life. Consciously. As humans, we just have to resolve that we do indeed want those long term things more than we want the instant-gratification stuff.

That’s why, while hypnosis can be great, I feel like (at least when it comes to addiction) it’s not the only answer. On the surface, it seems like a first class golden ticket out of a hard habit (because you get to be unconscious while you have the software installed), but it doesn’t necessarily stick when you do it that way. I’m not saying it can’t. I’m just saying that I’ve noticed how the only changes that’ve stuck for me have been the ones I supplement with a proactive interest, diligent openness to recognize my defects, and willingness to change them while I’m awake.

If that sounds like you too, then mayhaps buy some books on how to spark the change you want. Listen to TED talks about it. See if any non-hypnotists on Youtube have anything to enlighten you with on the topic. See a shrink or hit up a support group. (Also, if you’re trying to use it to come off a chemical dependency versus just avoiding craving one you’ve quit, know that you’ll need to handle the physical as well as psychological side of it with a real doc.) The idea is to supplement your subconscious foundation with some resonating truth you can jibe with. Something that clicks. That way, you’ll actually have lessons filed away to reflect on when life hits you in the face like a slingshot launched cinder block.

A lesson itself that took me more than a few swings of the Youtube pocketwatch to realize.

Moderation Management: Like AA, except less sober

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One of my favorite scenes in “Arthur” was his initial incognito AA visit.

“I’m here because I’d like to drink less…” he says to the group.

Although (much like the majestic man playing him) Arthur would come to realize “less” wasn’t sufficient, for some, it is. This was a tough concept for me to comprehend initially. Could some alcoholics cut back? Did that make them not-really-alcoholics? And – more importantly – how do you know? I suppose it’s a trial and error thing. When you come right down to it, terms like “alcoholic” and “addict” are just words. You could call yourself a “compulsive pornography enthusiast”, but if your hitting the faptop till your power gets cut and you lose your job, then guess what, my friend? You’re a smut junkie. Same goes for any obsession. So, one might suggest some deep introspection about it and applying your theory to reality. You try to cut back, and you either do alright or fall back into old habits. But what if the latter happens? Does that mean you can’t manage it – and must abstain? Maybe. Or maybe you just need the ears of others who’ve got the same proclivity. This is what Moderation Management (cute in it’s double abbreviation, like AA) seeks to do. Much like the abstinence based programs, they don’t seek dues or fees, they let people share, have a steps of their own (about nine, I believe) for you to follow, and encourage helping one another. Unlike abstinence based programs, however, there’s none of the – ya know – abstinence. Instead, they suggest toning down the imbibing to mayhaps three or four times a week. And if you wanna abstain, then you can do that too. Per their site:

Moderation Management (MM) is a behavioral change program and national support group network for people concerned about their drinking and who desire to make positive lifestyle changes. MM empowers individuals to accept personal responsibility for choosing and maintaining their own path, whether moderation or abstinence. MM promotes early self-recognition of risky drinking behavior, when moderate drinking is a more easily achievable goal. MM is run by lay members who came to the organization to resolve personal issues and stayed to help others.

I like the way he puts this – for all you know, you may realize you’re not an alcoholic or addict after all and find exactly what you need by learning how to cut back. In argument on behalf of those 12 step meetings, though, I will say that you’re never prescribed a lifetime of anything. You come to realize that all you’ve got when it comes to decision making is ahora. The present. Right now. That’s where the whole “one day at a time” thing comes in.

So, I remain open-minded about it. (It’s part of my program to be, so I don’t have a choice.) That is, I’m open-minded to the idea that moderating might work really well for some. In fact, there’re copious testimonials about how the tools MM offers seem to work well. Honestly, it might even work for someone like me. It might. But I know from a historical review that I personally might as well load one bullet in a chamber, press it to my temple, and try to fire away along with my firewater. That might seem dramatic – and it is. The disparity between my mindset above versus under the influence of anything mind altering is indeed nada short of dramatic. But that doesn’t mean it won’t work for you, if you’re realizing you’re having a few issues moderating but can’t conceive of a life sans booze. All of it rests on whether – once you get honest with yourself – you identify as someone who has enough of a challenge moderating that you shouldn’t drink altogether. And you know what? You don’t have to decide that alone. I say, if you’re struggling, try out either group. Because the most important thing isn’t just about whether you’re mostly sober or totally abstinent, but what’s driving you to carry on as you are. And the crucial thing – when you’ve got a compulsion adversely affecting your life – is to get out there and talk to others who “get it”, have been there, and can possibly help you realize just what caliber of liquor swigger you are. Who knows. Maybe cutting back will be enough.

Or maybe, like Arthur, you’ll see it’s time to get serious about your formerly blithe view on this vice.


(#WrongMovie #SimilarEnoughStoryline)

But the first step of any program isn’t listed in the twelve or nine.

The first step’s attending any kind of group. At all.

What is addiction? Are food and sex addiction real addictions?

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When we discuss addiction, we think alcohol or drugs.

But many behaviors can become addictive, especially if they produce a powerful enough chemical reaction that causes us to seek pleasure through those behaviors at a rate that affects everyday life.

Lisa Respers France, a senior producer at CNN, talks about her struggle with food addiction:

Food is my drug.

According to the informal definition, an “addict” is “an enthusiastic devotee of a specified thing or activity.” That’s me, all day. You couldn’t find anyone more enthusiastic about food and eating than yours truly.

That is a truly informal definition, the one you find when you Google “addict”, but it’s a cultural one and not a correct one.

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This definition of “addict” makes it sound like an addict likes what they’re doing. That the only reason why they do it is because they derive pleasure from it.

Someone who goes to church every Sunday would be considered an addict by this definition.

Someone who shops at the same grocery store every week–addict. A retiree who plays golf regularly–addict.

In fact, many addicts don’t even like what they have to do. They may dislike the taste of the alcohol or having to swallow the drugs. The only thing they’re devoted to is the feeling they get from the activity. They’ve created such a powerful association that they’ve become chemically dependent on the substances their body creates when the activity is performed.

France continues to describe her food addiction:

I have driven a stupid amount of miles to satisfy a craving and even canceled on friends to sit in my house and eat. More of my money has been spent dining in good restaurants and buying groceries than some people make in a year. I’ve eaten to the point of getting sick and once I was empty, have eaten again.

This is a psychological condition, and while it may seem like an addiction, it is a biological requirement that she eats, similar to how we have a biological drive to reproduce.

This is why sex and food addictions are different from drug and alcohol addictions. If you don’t eat for a few days, you die. You can go a lifetime without having one drink or taking one drug. You can also go a lifetime without sexual intercourse, but there is a biological drive to have it.

Alcohol, drugs, and sex are chemical shortcuts. They have their own pathways to manipulate the body’s chemical structures to release enjoyable chemicals.

If they are used to heal trauma during formative years when brain chemicals are produced in high amounts, or after traumatic situations where brain chemicals are produced in high amounts, then the body remembers the substance that brought upon the positive feelings. This is why you see that most addicts either start at an early age or after a major life transition.

Sex addiction is its own addiction, and is usually the by-product of either sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or major trauma during formative years. The addict becomes addicted to the shortcut of feeling chemical intimacy, which in turn brings a sense of safety, warmth, or comfort.

Food addiction is also its own addiction, and is the by-product of abuse, trauma, or difficulty at a formative stage.

Listen to France explain her struggle:

I hate that I crave the numbing power that food represents to me. The moment I begin to feel happy or sad, I turn to food. Sometimes it’s in celebration and sometimes it’s to achieve a level of bliss that means I don’t have to hurt or process what I am feeling.

See? France is struggling with emotional regulation, and is using food to feel the positive chemicals that are a shortcut to dealing with difficult situations.

Tough day at work? Dinner with co-workers. Fight with a family member? High fat snacks. Who needs tears when there are donuts to be had?

In essence, France is avoiding dealing with parts of her life that are a struggle. Notice how she turns to food for a variety of situations, both in a group setting, which is a good distraction and feeling of safety for people going through struggle, to using food as a comfort when she’s alone.

And like all addictions, food addiction has consequences.

It’s a neverending cycle; being fat makes me feel uncomfortable and feeling uncomfortable drives me to the behaviors that make me fat.

The consequence of food addiction is weight gain, which leads to France having a more negative self image, which leads her to eat more, which leads her to gain weight.

A good friend once told me that I should view the parts of me that need to heal as a younger version of me who I needed to protect. I should talk to “Little Lisa,” she said, and tell her how worthy she is of health, self-love and an abundant life.

Only by peeling back the layers of pain, she said, could I get to the real emptiness that I needed to feed — that part of me that doesn’t believe I deserve the blessed life I have with a career, family and friends that I adore.

This is a therapeutic approach known as “self-healing”, and it works by becoming, in essence, a parent to the part of you that is still stuck at an age when damage was caused. A young Lisa was hurt deeply, and a young Lisa has been trying to relieve the pain of that hurt through the comfort and abundance of eating and using that as a form of protection so that Lisa can’t get hurt again.

There are many of you out there who struggle from addiction. I know that I have. And whether you’ve been told you have an ‘addictive personality’, or whether you’re ‘genetically-predisposed to addiction’–it all doesn’t matter.

We’re individuals who have dealt with difficult situations in life in compromising ways, and whether we’ve hurt just ourselves or ourselves and others, perpetuating the cycle of pain through perpetuating addiction never leads to happiness or a point where you jump up and say, “I’m healed!”

No man has ever snorted enough coke to heal himself.

No woman has ever drank enough vodka to heal herself.

Nobody has ever had enough sex and said “you know what, all of my childhood trauma is healed now.”

And you can never eat enough to make the pain go away.

But you can decide to talk to that little version of you in your life. And if you’re afraid to do it, you can ask for help from a trusted individual or a professional to help you get there.

You can find where that pain started. And you can learn strategies to heal it in an adult way so that you are never trapped in the cycle of feeding pain through addiction.

Because even if nobody is there for you–you are.

Keeping certain anti-addiction drugs out of the wrong hands

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When people think of anti-addiction drugs, they pay more attention to “anti-addiction” than to “drug”.

The fact remains that these are drugs.

Methadone is a drug, and you can overdose on it.

Just because it replaces heroin does not mean that it’s any less of a drug, addictive, or dangerous, and should only be administered under supervision.

This is especially true when it comes to children.

A recent study shows that far too many children are getting their hands on anti-addiction drugs–and landing themselves in the hospital.

For every 100,000 patients prescribed buprenorphine, 200 young children were hospitalized for taking it, the study found. That rate is more than four times higher than the statistic for the next most commonly implicated drug, a blood pressure medicine. Almost 800 youngsters a year were hospitalized after swallowing buprenorphine…

Buprenorphine is an important anti-addiction drug, and while it’s “an opioid up to 50 times more potent as a painkiller than morphine”, it’s highly effective in helping with drug withdrawals. And according to the study, over 400,000 patients have been administered the drug.

Keeping drugs out of the hands of children starts with responsible parents and caregivers. If you’re currently taking or are considering taking buprenorphine, please keep it in a safe place away from children.

How to rebuild relationships lost through addiction

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One of the most difficult aspects of addiction and recovery are the relationships lost with friends, family, and loved ones. Many individuals in the addict’s life have trouble accepting that the addict is an addict and have trouble delineating the addict’s behavior—do we blame the drug, or the addict? The effect is damaging on all involved:

The irony of addictive disease is that those closest to the person with the addiction suffer tremendously. It’s horrifying to watch someone you care about self-destruct. Crippled by fear, anger and overwhelming grief, families and friends either stay helplessly entangled in the addict’s illness, trying to control the uncontrollable, or they separate emotionally.

Addiction ends marriages, relationships, friendships, and familial bonds for a reason. But loved ones are crucial to helping the addict overcome addiction.

At best, relationships will be strained. As the addict recovers, the desire to rebuild strained, stressed, and broken bonds grows.

Sobriety is key to rebuilding relationships. Without sobriety, there is no trust. The addict’s behaviors cannot be entirely attributed to the addict without complete sobriety.

The most important factor is time. Rebuilding a deeply damaged relationship can take months and years. Both the addict and the addict’s loved one must remain patient. Trust has been broken and takes longer to regain than to initially build.

This example of trust illustrates its importance:

You can love and forgive someone without trusting. For example, it is one thing to forgive an apologetic jewel thief and quite another thing to leave him alone in a jewelry store. Likewise, you can forgive a person recovering from alcoholism who asks for forgiveness. But it takes time, honesty, good choices and continued sobriety to regain trust.

And last, but not least, is forgiveness. In order for true recovery to occur, the addict must be forgiven by their loved ones. Forgiveness takes time and requires sobriety—and is the final step where rebuilding happens:

Restoring a wounded relationship is like trying to take down a large brick wall separating those with whom we were once close. No matter how hard you try, it won’t come down all at once. Be patient. Good recovery allows you to remove only a few bricks each day. Over time, there will be a hole in the wall large enough to talk through without shouting. After a while the opening will be large enough to reach a hand through and offer a loving touch. One day, trust is restored and the wall disappears.

Sobriety must be followed with patience.

Patience must be followed with time.

And time must be followed with forgiveness.

Without these factors, a relationship can’t be built.

Not all relationships will be.

But what would you rather have: a relationship you deem broken forever, or one you at least try to fix?

5 things you didn’t know about AA

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AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous, is one of the world’s foremost alcohol recovery organizations. But due to the secrecy of the organization, most people who haven’t attended a meeting don’t know much about AA works. Here are some things I bet you didn’t know about AA:

1) There are way more AA members than you think

AA is a huge organization. There are “an estimated 2.1 million members worldwide, with 1.3 million of them U.S. residents”. If AA members formed a country, it would outrank Slovenia in population.

2) AA members exist in almost every country

Alcoholism affects humans of all ethnicities and backgrounds. There are even AA chapters in countries where alcohol is banned, like Iran.

3) There’s a form of AA for many other forms of addiction

The following organizations have been inspired by AA, and follow the similar 12-step process:

  • CA – Cocaine Anonymous
  • CEA – Compulsive Eater Anonymous
  • CLA – Clutters Anonymous
  • CoDA – Co Dependants Anonymous
  • GA – Gamblers Anonymous
  • HA – Heroin Anonymous
  • NA – Narcotics Anonymous
  • OA – Overeaters Anonymous
  • SLAA – Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous

4) It has a deep religious basis, but accepts all faiths

AA was founded by William Griffith Wilson, a member of the Oxford Group—a nondenominational Christian group. Much of AA is steeped in religion, but members of all faiths are welcome as long as they acknowledge a creator.

Today, four of the 12 steps in the AA program mention God directly, and the 12th calls for a ‘spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.’

5) Yeah, it’s really anonymous

Anonymous isn’t just part of the name. The only publications of the group are the “Big Book”, which is a book of stories on recovery, and a list of locations and times where meetings are held. Member lists are never written, published, nor discussed. According to AA:

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.