Did you know that love and cocaine do the same thing to the brain?
No, really.
(Ring finger rock? Or crack rock? It’s all the same…)
If you look at image studies of the human brain under the influence of love versus said upper drug, the same thing’s happening. The same areas of your think organ light right up. There’s a dopamine high that lasts for around three months when we first fall for someone. Then, it dwindles. However, we remain linked to them because of that hormonal tethering we experienced. Kinda scary, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. It’s scary inasmuch as it means our minds might be lying to us for the first few months after we meet someone we think we love. (The real test is if positive sentiments – even if they aren’t elation – persist thereafter.) However, when it comes to breakups, it’s kind of comforting. It’s comforting because you’re so inconsolably miserable. Now, that might not make sense, but hear me out. See, all along, you’ve been telling yourself to just knock it off, get over it, and sack up. Be stronger than the problem. Move on. You even go through the motions of “moving on”. You move about your day even though you want to stay in bed. Your brain and body are sprinting in the complete opposite direction of your will. When nighttime comes, the day’s distraction and laughter turns to tears.
So, what’s the fix?
Well, while time is always the answer to healing a broken heart, it’s what you do with that time that matters. We didn’t get into the habit of being linked to our ex overnight. There may have even been a time in the beginning where we had our doubts. Maybe we didn’t want to relinquish parts of our identity. Or even our solo time – or time with friends. It took a while to acclimate to life with them. Likewise, it’ll take a while to acclimate to life without them. It’s just that the getting over them process is longer than the getting into them one because of the internal chemicals involved. That’s why we can’t just fill our days with distracting activities. Those are good to a point. And so is the act of focusing on your career, hobbies, friends, or passion projects. But these tips are going to be a bit different. These tips are meant to address what happens in those moments when our brains are too tired to be productive or creative or social – and the demons of the past are upon us. What we have to remember is that we got hooked on our relationship and that took time. Similarly, the only way to get over it is to get those chemicals out of our system. But the trick is that we have to be committed to that – to getting over them – if that’s what we truly want.
Is that what you truly want?
If the answer to that is yes, then we need to answer the next question honestly. “Am I waiting around?” Think about it before answering. This is especially difficult in “on again; off again” relationships. If the M.O. for your partner is to get in touch after a week or two to “talk things out”, you might find yourself waiting around to see if they’ll call. I’ve done this so many times. Why? Because usually the argument was over something dumb that could be fixed. However, the most recent one was one from which there was no returning. He said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. And he said it when he was totally sober. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt. However, unlike a tipsy argument or a clashing of egos, this was a dead end. No amount of “talking it out” can fix if someone doesn’t love you. And my bottom line is that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. The end. It may be painful, but it’s far simpler than wondering what he’s thinking and not getting any answers. Now I know, so I can close the door. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that closure, though. (I feel for you guys. I’ve been there, too.) So, what you have to decide is whether you want to wait around and torture yourself or whether you want to take back your power and move on.
The following tips are for those who finally have decided to do the latter…
(Keep reading for actionable advice on how to truly move on.)