Author: Ashley

So, we know that with an off-and-on ex, we need a clean break.

We need to either date around, get new hobbies, or both.

We do not need to sit around and talk about them every day for all eternity.

(Not to mention – it’s annoying AF for anyone who has to listen…)

And that’s exactly what I had to do when it came to my pharmaceutical addiction.

Climbing out of that dark grave wasn’t easy though. It had to happen in phases. After all, I literally felt for years like these pills were an organ. Not something extra. Not just a missing link. Something missing since birth from my body. A part of me. That is, until… I tried coming off them. And that’s when I recognized them for the malevolent chemicals they were. After this thoroughgoing war to divorce my body from them, came my real healing. I went to anonymous meetings to vent about my “breakup” with these legal drugs. I “blocked them” by tapering off and flushing every last one I had and discharging myself from that doctor. (He got arrested for being a pill mill peddler, BTW…) I “dated other people” by working out, meditating, and journaling when the withdrawals hit and my whole body was shaking, sweating, and cold. I stopped “hanging out with his friends” by also cutting off and blocking the people who I knew could procure me more should I get desperate and ask. And, finally, I got my “revenge body” (and identity) by starting new hobbies that gave me a sleek physique. One that was more bright eyed and life loving.

Then came the internal work to mentally renovate.

I found that I started to shift my focus to (at the risk of sounding like a hippie) “higher vibe” content. It’s easy, if you identify as an addict, to start watching shows like “Single Drunk Female” (or whatever that Hulu one is called). And, maybe if your obsessive proclivities are being kept well at bay, it’s no biggie. But, if you find you’re on the fence about your identity, it may be less than healthy to cognitively consume this kinda material. We have to be very careful when it comes to our identity because it’s one of our most powerful motivators for what we do and how we act. And our identities rely on our mental diet. Yes, our brains have diets too. And what we feed them helps shape our filter for reality. (Also, you might just find low vibe shows triggering enough to want to use.) When I “broke up” with my drug o’ choice, it was all about redirecting.

I’d spent enough time on “him” and being “his girlfriend”. Why continue to waste any more mental energy, minutes, or emotional space thinking about that? The question was: who and how did I want to be now? Reflecting on the past wasn’t going to turn me into that person. I wanted to be the type to calm myself with meditation instead of medication. To let my medication be my healthy food choices. To do yoga and get out in nature. To heal people. To make beautiful art – with words and acrylic alike. So, that’s where I put all my energy. And that’s what I became. Ultimately, it was so good there that looking back never felt alluring. And now, going on nearly nine years (yes, almost a decade) since my breakup with the chemical “ex”, it’s never once been a temptation again. Even at parties where things are circulating – all I feel is disgust.

So, do I identify as an addict? To answer, I’ll say I identify as someone with addictive proclivities. I stay in touch with the “reality of my disease” via self awareness. I easily latch and obsess to people, places, things, and activities. But I know this about myself. And I recognize by now – quite quickly – how that looks, how that feels, when I’m doing it, and what I need to do to pump the brakes and find my way away. So, if you want to call that “being an addict”, that’s absolutely fine. However, I don’t give it any more energy than a medical condition. Do diabetics talk about needing insulin all day long? No. They just manage it when their sugar’s off. I do the same when triggers arise or I notice some sort of obsession rearing its ugly head. There’s no need to make it a major part of my identity to the point where that becomes the story I tell myself about myself every waking hour.

(Translation: “You is kind. You is smart. You is not going to snort drugs today…”)

Again, for some, step programs are a perfect fit. There’s no knocking that.

But, for me – doing the work to shift my mindset and outgrow a former addiction…

That feels better than any drug in the world.

“Stay in touch with the reality of your disease.”

For those in addiction recovery, this is commonly heard in support group rooms.

But… is there a limit?

Can perpetually identifying as an addict encourage you toward relapse?

In most groups, these kinds of questions are frowned upon.

And, for those these groups have helped, you can see why. There’s a whole system to the anonymous fellowships that work wonderfully for some. Certain individuals require that all or nothing structure laid out for them. The black and white is their bread and butter. Another phrase you’ll hear is, “Your own way of thinking got you into this mess; so it’s not going to get you out.” While that may be true in scattered cases, we can never say that as a blanket statement. For many who come to support groups, it’s their first time even seeking out help of any kind. Their way of thinking led them to reach out and try to make a change. So, clearly, that’s a good first step that “their way of thinking” managed. Right? There are plenty of addicts who live and die clean and sober by the step system. They tell themselves and others every other day that they are an addict. They talk about how their addict brain is acting out in their lives. They talk about the steps they are working. It’s the best way for them. But, for some other lost souls who step foot into gatherings like these with folks who struggle with drugs or alcohol, identifying as an addict all the time might have a more negative affect.

It almost did for me… until I found my own way.

(No, we’re not saying to live in denial that there’s an issue at all – but more on that in a moment…)

You see, for me, it was a lot like going through a break up.

One of those “off and on” ones where they keep ghosting you and then sucking you back into their orbit. The ones that really mess ya up. (You know the kind.) So, if you were obsessed with the person but you know it’s not healthy to try to keep returning to them, what would you do? Rather, what should you do? Talk about them every day you’re broken up and how they ruined your life and that’s why you shouldn’t go back with them? Detail the thoughts you’ve been having about them? Lament over all the life you’ve missed out on while they were gaslighting and emotionally abusing you? Admit how much you still want them and that’s why you have to keep talking about them? This is literally what happens in meetings about substance abuse. And, short of having a tie like children to a toxic ex, the answer is: no. You don’t keep the focus there forever. Maybe, initially you do it to process your grief about the breakup. But, after that, we close the book on them. If you don’t have the link of offspring, you simply cut them off – both emotionally and physically. You avert your thoughts elsewhere when they pop up. You date other people to change your brain’s framework. You hang out with friends, work out, or do a distracting hobby when you miss them. And, finally, you block them so they can’t reach you.

So, what does this have to do with quitting drugs, alcohol, or other obsessions?

Keep reading to find out….

By now, we’ve established two things:

Why a start date and replacement system are primary for quitting a fixation.

But what does identity have to do with it?

Whether or not you want to admit it, you have an identity.

Rather, your subconscious has a certain idea of who you are. It’s the “you” you’ve built out of habits, day after day, for years. And that can be good or bad. It’s good if that list of things has made for a happy you with healthy interpersonal relationships, financial security, and spiritual/psychological fulfillment. It’s bad if you’re miserable, addicted, and feeling perpetually depressed. And why’s that matter so much? Because, as any psychologist can tell you, identity is one of the most powerful factors motivating the human experience. It gives us some sort of certainty as we propel precariously around an aqueous rock in the vast vacuum of outer space. So, we cling to it. For better or for worse. And good luck trying to take that away from us once we’ve established it. You can see how it would be scary. If you’ve been “Steve the smoker” your whole life, and then you suddenly quit… who are you now? What if that’s all you had that brought you joy or that people knew about you? It seems like a silly example, but it’s sadly true. People need to have a profile about themselves.

Thus, once we quit something, we have to prepare to be reborn into a new identity. Prior to 2013, I was well ensconced in my obsession of choice. Making the leap felt like literal suicide. You’re jumping into an unknown without your only quilt of comfort to cover you. I spent the entire jump down, becoming my new me. Me the yogi. Me the runner. Me the mixed martial artist. Me the painter. The healer. The writer. The reader. The person who tries 30 days of new things every now and then. Me who shows up on time instead of always being late. Me who’s responsible. All of this not only rewired my brain for success and kept me busy when triggers might arise – but it helped generate a new identity altogether. One day at a time, I had to work on it.

And, seven years later, I’ve got a whole new identity.

(One that isn’t just a bunch of different fixations in the same suit…)

And that “one day at a time” is key. This also goes for replacing one trigger or ritual at a time. Re-associating the sight of alcohol or smell of smoke as “poisonous” or “disgusting” can be a helpful tool. The healthier you are in other facets of your life, the more this helps. Why? Because if you’re working on making the rest of your identity healthy, you’ll begin wanting to stay consistent with that new identity and suddenly see formerly attractive triggers as gross. Recognizing and replacing rituals is key as well. Maybe the only reason you used to get out of bed was for that chemical fix or plate of pancakes. Now it can be a healthy breakfast or a coffee with that one creamer you love. Perhaps bedtime used to be preceded with sativa. And now you replace that ritual with tea, melatonin, or any number of other supplements known to help calm an anxious brain.

Next on the list: accountability.

Some people tell family. Some tell a friend. Some get a whole support group. But if you tell someone you plan to quit something, you’re likely to feel more accountable and actually do it. Caveat: don’t spend too much time talking about it. There’s a weird psychological phenomenon where bragging about making a change and getting enough back-pats for wanting to change makes us not actually go through with doing it. Weird, I know. But it makes sense because, by then, we’ve already felt validated by people being proud of us, so there’s no longer a motivation to carry out the hard part. Let a small circle know. Don’t broadcast it. Do the hard stuff. And let your actual victory be validated months later – not your intentions. And finally: do it safely. If you’re making a big change involving health, see a doctor first for guidance and find a safe way to become a new and healthy you this 2022.

Best of luck, friends!

Typically, I despise saving resolutions for January first.

Why not just start now?

However, that’s just because too many of us use it as an excuse to put off change.

If you’ve got an addiction you’d like to quit indulging, start now. Or tomorrow. Don’t wait four months to make the change. If you wait too long, you set an insane amount of anxiety and pressure around it. The result? You never actually do it – or you fall off faster than you got on that fragile wagon. All that said… I will make an exception. But just for now. Why? Well, seeing as our New Year is nearly here (just next week, actually), I’ll allow it. We can place the first of the next 365 as our start date to stop that bad habit. But this time, we’re gonna stick with it. How? By planning it all out. Nobody wings recovery successfully. If they try, they end up miserable – and often return to their bad habit (or a new one).

So, here we go.

First? Set that start date. We already mentioned this above – and while this is geared toward a “new year; new you” audience, this goes for anyone. Choose a start date – one that’s no later than a week or two away – and make that your definite jumping off point. Second? Have a plan. The only reason you should give yourself any amount of time between right now and that start date – is to spend it designing a quitting plan. (Not talking yourself out of it.) And what should that plan include? Literally everything. First, you want to identify triggers. (They even have an app called “trigger tracker” to help keep you aware.) If the smell of smoke makes you want a cigarette, deodorize your home, car, and remove any reminders of it. If being around alcohol makes you want to drink, avoid those situations. If dining out at restaurants makes you want to fall off your healthy diet, maybe choose non-food dates with friends, fam, and sig others.

(“I’m totally demolishing a whole Dairy Queen with my face after this gateway burger…”)

Next? Have a replacement system on deck.

Sure, this goes for chemical weaning (everything from nicotine replacement therapy to suboxone); however, the replacement system goes much farther. Most people who are addicted to a bad habit don’t just quit it without reaching for something new and latching on. Be aware of that and ready with new and fulfilling activities to replace that former habit. You may find that, without your fixation of choice, you suddenly have massive anxiety. Consider channeling it into activities that help redirect it. Running, mixed martial arts, and yoga are some that I used in early recovery. However, I’d find that once the adrenaline wore off, it wasn’t enough. My brain was still anxious when my body was tired. That’s where the creative outlets came in. Writing, painting, and cartooning helped significantly. This initially all began as a distraction. However, as I cultivated these hobbies, I grew a social circle (oxytocin from positive human connection), creative fulfillment (serotonin), and the rush of a good workout (dopamine). I had literally replaced external chemicals with my own internal pharmacy. Not to mention, I was making money from the writing and the yoga – so I was getting paid for my high. (Not a bad tradeoff, seeing as it’s the exact opposite in active addiction.) And all of this led to the next thing that’s insanely important in quitting an obsession:

Generating a new identity.

Keep reading to see why identity is crucial to your recovery.