anxious

We now know why we get caught in toxic cycles with avoidant dismissive partners.

We also know why we may get bored or confused when we are valued.

But why? And how do we sort that out?

DEPROGRAMMING IS CRUCIAL

It can be confusing to know whether affection is love bombing or true value.

But it’s only confusing when you don’t truly know your own worth. So, before even attempting a healthy relationship (and potentially hurting someone else or ruining what could have been a great relationship later on), it is imperative that we get a new story. We have to do the work. Alone. We must recognize where our current self beliefs come from. How deeply ingrained they are. And how false they are. Think of it this way. You had one set of opinions about you or behaviors which led to your own conclusions about yourself. They were programmed into you in your formative years. But that’s just one. One or two in a sea of billions. Just because this was the initial software, doesn’t mean you can’t wipe the computer clean. (Really not sure if that metaphor is accurate… Moving on…) But you have to recognize it first. Without blaming your parents (or sister or brother…), sit down and make an objective, unemotional list of the negative things you remember happening to you or believing in your youth that you inadvertently took on to be true. Was it that you were too short? Too tall? Too fat? That your facial features weren’t perfect? Were you left alone a good deal? Abused maybe even?

Now, sit back and realize something amazing. You could have been born into literally any family with all of the same features you have, inside and out. And they may have treated you in a completely different and more supportive way. The truth is, when we are children, we are a blank slate. So, the price tag we are being sold about ourselves from our parents is only that. It’s based on their own opinion. It’s based on their own projection. Two, fallible human beings told us, directly or indirectly, what our worth was. And we believed it. We believed them because we didn’t have the capacity to question it. But now we do. So, how many of these things that we were told about ourselves were complete and utter projection all along? How many were based off of our own parents’ personal insecurities? How many other people in the world with exactly our features that we feel insecure about (or possibly worse), ended up being actors? Pop stars? Models? All thanks to their unique physical make up? How many went on to become wealthy motivational speakers? Or even just amazing and selfless leaders in the community? Now, ask yourself what makes you so special. How are you any different? Other than your refusal to eschew this outdated and archaic programming that never served you in the first place?

DITCHING THE OLD IDENTITY

Once we recognize the lifelong lie, it’s difficult to adhere to a new programming. But we start with action. We start by pursuing all of those same things we did when we were in a relationship. Or, better yet, we pursue the things we never have – because we thought we were somehow too incompetent. And we do it for ourselves this time. I don’t mean that in a lip-servicey way, either. What I mean is that we do all of this to prove our worth to ourselves. Our “self” is almost like another separate person. And they need to see you’re making an investment in them. Whether that’s by cleaning your home, studying, or working your side hustle, your “you” needs to see some effort. So, we practice this act of self affirmation one day at a time, until it feels embedded in who we are. Then, one day, if someone wanders into our lives that we are attracted to, we might feel like we are in a safe place to give a romantic relationship a chance again. And we do so with cautious optimism, knowing about our former tendencies in relationships. Now, we know what to look for. Previously, we would accept the love bombing a few weeks in (or earlier) because we were so starved for validation, that it felt like heroin. Now, we recognize our worth because we have done the work to prove it to ourselves. But that took us time. So we recognize that someone who has only known us for a short time, can’t possibly appreciate our true value. Excessive adoration will seem suspicious before they truly know who we are. It would be like walking into a store and buying a $500 coat when you can only see it from 10 feet away. You didn’t try it on. You can’t see what the back looks like. You don’t even know what the material is. Someone who truly knows their value, would not trust grandiose gestures and statements before the person giving it had a chance to truly assess our “coat“. So we know now to look at that with a cautious eye.

Then, before we realize it, we find that we are in a healthy connection. And that it doesn’t involve constantly thinking about the person. It may not entail seeing each other daily. It may not include them constantly telling us how amazing we are. But we have done the work to know that about ourselves anyway, so we don’t need it. Before long, we find that we are magically freed of our obsession. And we realize how comforting it feels to just sit in our own skin and go about our daily lives with an alacrity that we never had before when the shackles of attachment were weighing everything down.

Suddenly, just like that, we can quit chasing another…

And start chasing bigger and better things – whether we’re with someone or not.