Can Co-Dependents Recover? (Part 2)

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Yes, breaking from codependent habits sounds great in theory.

But the truth is… it’s hard. Especially if you can’t afford the weekly trip to the shrink.


(Although you’d have to be the one paying me to sit on that uncomfortable azz looking couch…)

So, how do we do it?

How does one motivate themselves to make change.

Especially when they’re going through neurochemical withdrawal from someone?

I listed some tips on this in my last article about obsession. However, it’s worth mentioning here. The generic advice will tell you to spend time doing what you love. To journal. To build your boundaries and keep them. To accept that it’ll take time. And that’s all true. But it feels like very distant, intangible advice. The truth is that you really have to sit with yourself and think about who it is that you want to be. For you. It’s easy to be great when someone is there to applaud us. But what happens when the applause stops? How can you clap for yourself? By proving yourself to yourself. Who’s the person you want to be? What do they do?

For me, reclaiming my identity meant having a heart to heart with myself. Get really honest. I had to figure out what made me feel badly about myself. What brought me joy. What goals I needed to work better toward achieving. Who I should and shouldn’t be talking to or hanging out with. How I should be spending my money. That’s integrity. Secretly buying retail goodies I don’t need or shoveling sugar into my face doesn’t go unnoticed. The world around me may not see it. But I know. Deep down, I know. And who can love themselves when they’re doing things they wouldn’t respect others for doing?

After that honesty came action. That’s the hard part. When you’re going through the withdrawal of someone you unknowingly relied on for happiness, the world does go dark. Grey. Dismal. It takes time to clear them from your body. And, like any drug you recover from, you have to spend that time developing new habits. Force yourself to write. To make art. To run. Again, all stuff you may have heard in the “Obsession” article. And, most of all – no contact (if possible) is so crucial. You can’t respect yourself if you keep returning to something unhealthy.

But what about after? Once you’re doing all these things and living your best life – how do you start over? How can you connect with someone new… and not repeat these terrible habits? It’s simple – but not easy. The biggest mistake we make when we date someone we really like is to start obsessing about them. Make sure you’re not spending too much timing thinking about them, over-texting them, or doing too many acts of service too early on. Give yourself some time and space away from them, too. It’s imperative that the “you” you’ve built independent of them doesn’t suddenly get stowed away. So, still do your passion projects, see your best friends, and don’t break engagements for them. Not only does it establish boundaries to them (which is super hot), but it does so for yourself as well. It communicates to yourself that you’re strong in your foundation. And that will serve you well later when they leave, so it doesn’t feel like the earth itself is falling out from under you.

You built your own happiness through your habits. Suddenly placing that happiness in the hands of another is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because the former method (of going out and building it for yourself) communicates to your subconscious that, to be happy, you must put in work. You want joy? You make the effort. That’s the brain habit you’ve developed. The latter method, contrarily, tells your subconscious another story. It says that happiness is entirely out of your hands. You’ve made another human being god. Someone flesh and blood like you is the puppeteer for your every emotion. That’s why so many co-dependents are in a constant state of anxiety. They aren’t happy with or without you. Any time you’re away, they’re missing their fix. Anytime they’re with you, they’re afraid they may say or do something to lose you. It becomes self fulfilling too, because people can tell when you aren’t being real and they’ll leave anyway. Again, been there. Been on both sides of it. And I can attest that it’s ugly all around.

And, this year I’m realizing it’s becoming a common phenomenon as people sense a loss of control. But nothing has truly changed. Not when it comes to who controls your happiness. So, just know that you alone are as in control of you and your well being as you ever were. Whether you do it through the assistance of therapy, journaling, or starting artistic new hobbies, just make that move. (Not just hopping into a new relationship where you’ll do it all over again.) Take some sort of action to prove yourself to yourself.

And go from codependent to independent.

Can Co-Dependents Recover? (Part 1)

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“Would you say I’m… co-dependent?”

I got this question text from an ex-lover turned good friend the other day.

Our ship has long sailed, and now we’re in the territory where we can be brutally honest, but let it come from a place of love. So we do that for each other. That said, I had a newfound appreciation when I got this message. I suddenly felt what every man feels when his lady (or man… or nonbinary partner… or parakeet, whatever, it’s 2020) says, “Do I look fat in these pants?” You feel like it’s a trick question. You wanna answer honestly, but you feel their fingers on the metaphorical detonator the whole time.

So, I answered his question with a question: “What makes you ask that?” (Thanks, that one time I went to the shrink and learned this tactic…) And he went on to explain how he’s head over heels for this new girl he’s with. How they have a blast when they’re together. How awesome she is. But… whenever he’s away from her, he feels this vast emptiness come over him. Like he’s been powered down. All the world loses its color. All passions are deactivated. Typically pleasurable things feel suddenly meaningless. In a word, he was obsessed with this new lady. Just like the one before her. And the one before her… But it was a unique flavor of obsession called codependency. Just like each time before.

He knew the answer to his own question before he’d asked me. My friend’s done this in every relationship he’s ever been in. A new girl arrives in his life and he goes into love bombing mode with a quickness. She’s an angel on a pedestal. But this kind of adoration can only last so long. It’s not sustainable fuel for a long term relationships. So, what he (and many other co-dependents do) is… self sabotage. Either she can’t be there for him to serve as the drug that brings color and meaning to his world or she has some flaw he wants resolved so she can get on the pedestal again. It starts to feel like too much for her. She’s suffocated. Either way, it ends. And he’s back into the darkness again, missing her, and wanting her back.

And I knew this so well because it’s why he and I failed at dating.

I have this tendency too.

And I’ve had to work hard to manage it.

So, I asked him all the things I too had to figure out for myself when I was last healing from a relationship that made me realize just how co-dependent I tend to be. All the “what if’s”. What if your time alone wasn’t isolation? What if it was necessary solitude to keep growing and becoming more of the person she fell in love with? What if you spent your solo time pursuing the hobbies you love? Working on projects for the family you want to build together? And the stuff that’s just for you – like working out or fishing? People aren’t drugs. They should be supplements to the already wonderful life you’ve built for yourself.


(Fun fact: this doesn’t just happen in romantic dynamics. One of my besties has this same weird dynamic. She’s the caretaker. The other chick’s the self sabotaging mess, floundering to keep her attention.)

It sounds good in theory.

But every time it’s me going through it, it feels different. It’s so hard.

So how do you really do it?

Keep reading to learn how to heal from the obsession called codependency….

Detox From Your Ex Obsession Today (Part 2)

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So, you know by now you need to end the cycle of obsession with your ex.

But why is it so hard to stop?

Because… each interaction you have with them – whether it’s happening with them or in your mind – is just like taking a drug. It’s a literal hit of dopamine. You get a flood of feel-good chemicals. Seeing their picture is like a fine glass of wine. Reviewing text messages is like a vicodin. A text message? A kiss? A sexual encounter? Pure heroin. So we do what we can to sustain that high. As one life coach describes it, it’s like “microdosing”. Getting little hits and highs from the wrong guys and girls for you. And it extends to toxic relationships of all kinds. Maybe your ex has actively come back into your life, only to give you bits and pieces. You get to see them on Friday night and then don’t hear from them for a week. They send you a non-committal message, and then don’t respond when you respond back. They keep one foot out the door and threaten to run if there’s any hint of a serious conversation. Yet, you stay. You stay to get those pieces. To bask in their presence. To revel in the glory that is this person made of fat and skin and bone, involuntary nocturnal farts, insomnia inducing snoring, and the literary prowess of a toddler gnawing on crayons. That’s the reality. Meanwhile, you’ve built them up in your mind to be some mythical and unattainable goal you chase. The dragon. The dragon that’s dragging you down in your pursuit of it.

TAKING ACTION TO END THE SPIRAL

The first step? That would be to realize that while this year’s madness may have precipitated the return to an unhealthy habit, that that can no longer be an excuse. If we’re going to live, we need to live. Fully and present. And this is most definitely keeping us from doing that. It is putting a despondent fog and a crazy making haze over our days. The yes and to this first step is the first step for any change that can ever be made – to realize that it is a problem. This cycle has happened how many times now? Once? Twice? Thrice? Four times? A cycle is a wheel. Four wheels move a car. And this car is taking you nowhere. Except maybe into the realm of cliche cat lady or mountain man mapping out conspiracy theories from his Appalachian trailer with a tinfoil hat.

ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO CHANGE?

The second step? To be willing to change. Being willing to change can be confusing. We often think of the goal – no longer being addicted to this person or the thought of them. That part sounds nice. But what we don’t think about is the hard work that we have to do in order to reach that status. When it comes to alcohol or narcotics or sex addiction, The “anonymous“ programs will typically follow the “one day at a time“ rule. For some people, this becomes more of one hour or minute at a time. Or it becomes a “one trigger at a time” rule.

The problem when it comes to a person, is often that the drug is no longer limited to a tangible experience. It’s not even the person that you are addicted to, but the idea of them. You get the text. Dopamine hit. Addiction cycle is rekindled. You see them online. Dopamine hit. Addiction is again rekindled. You make the mistake of sleeping with them. Not just a dopamine hit but now an oxytocin cocktail that has you so far down the spiral, it will take ages to pull yourself back up.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE DRUG IS IN YOUR OWN BRAIN?

So the triggers and fixes, while sometimes physical and real, also become our own thoughts and habits. And it can exist in the same thing we use for work, family, and healthy connection: our phone. How tempting is it to just scroll quickly over to their page between talking to your aunt on Facebook? And the rest of it is so second-nature that we may not even realize we’re doing it. The thought comes up to look them up. We do it without thinking. Or when we’re out with friends – wasting brunch with your girlfriends or beer with your boys talking about them. How about that lonely FOMO filled Friday where you feel like looking through your memories of that holiday you two spent in the mountains. (Ya know, the one that ended in a blowout fight because they started gaslighting you about something yet again?) Make no mistake. Each of these things is actively participating in your toxic attachment addiction. It’s a puff. A line. A swig. Just because the person is not there, does not make it any less harmful. It is just as bad.

DOING THE HARDEST THING VS. GENERATING RESERVATIONS

And sometimes, the hardest part is taking action. Maybe you can avoid actively talking to them or actively pulling up their profile. But you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t say you were secretly checking in on your phone every few hours (or more if we’re being honest) to see if they have gotten in touch yet. This is also an addictive thought pattern that releases that dopamine that keeps us hooked. The question is, can you cancel them before they have the chance to reel you back in? The only way to truly break an addiction to someone who is toxic, is to block them from any form of contact.

Right about now is when most people will begin to feel those reservations. Blocking? That seems extreme. Maybe this isn’t so big of an issue after all. You can manage it. That seems super extra. I mean, you had a history, after all. Or you had a connection. Or whatever other excuse there is. The bottom line is this: You let this person walk all over you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re the bad guy. But you let someone break or bend your boundaries. Who is at fault is no longer a concern. The only concern is that this is no longer under your control. Your interaction with them defiled your dignity. So it has to end. Where you were once a strong, independent, and beautiful soul (what may have attracted them to you in the first place), now you’re a shell of yourself. It’s very possible that you don’t do anything that you love anymore. That you just wait – marinating in your own obsession and hoping they return. In reality, the truth is that even if they did return, they’d smell that anxious desperation permeating through your pores and leave all over again. The bottom line is that it needs to end. The bottom line is that this is toxic. The bottom line is that you are making excuses and reservations because you’re afraid. Like so many addicts, you’re afraid of the emptiness that awaits when you cancel this addiction. But it’s time to be brave anyway. And here’s why.

There is hope.

NEUROPLASTICITY: YOUR BRAIN CAN BREAK THE OBSESSION

Experts on “love addiction” (I put the quotes because that’s just a euphemism for toxic and anxious attachment) have mapped it out for us. The “love” detox. On average, it takes about eight weeks. Eight weeks to “detox” from an obsession. The way this works is via something called neuroplasticity. Via this neural phenomenon, the brain can change within 30 to 90 days alone – if you keep practicing the same habit. That habit might be learning the piano. It might be painting. Or it might be, ya know, avoiding one trigger at a time for bad behavior connecting you back to your ex. The trick? To fill that time of avoiding triggers with something new. What goals, hobbies, passions, or other dynamics have you been missing out on so you could dedicate all of your energy to obsessing over someone who doesn’t remotely reciprocate your feelings? How much of life have you literally been throwing away? Go focus on that now. Everytime the urge emerges to text or check messages, go do that instead. Paint. Write. Put on those running shoes and run.


(Um… we said put *on* the running shoes. Not buy a bunch of new ones and trade your ex addiction for a shopping one…)

I won’t sugarcoat this bit.

It will feel literally painful. You won’t enjoy it. Not at first. But you will in time. And here’s why… As it becomes a habit to do a hobby when you have a craving, the replacement activity will start to become your new habit. For me, I like to do activities that leave no room for obsession. Training MMA, running high intensity intervals, and creating art or articles are just some of them. If you’re distracted during intense exercise or sparring, you risk injury. If there’s distraction with art, the art turns out terrible. So, find your replacement thing and do it. Caveat? Absolute, pure, and unmitigated “no contact”, as the pros call it. That means no actual interaction, of course. (Don’t reach out to them and don’t reply if they reach out to you – which they shouldn’t be able to because you blocked them.) But it also means you not interacting with any material relating to them. Even on your own. No picture revisiting. No checking for texts or online status. No pulling out the old movie theater tickets from your first date to cry over. Your subscription has been canceled.

DON’T BE A “DRY LOVE DRUNK” WHEN YOU END IT

I think sometimes people think that moving on has to be stoic and painful. And if taking on the martyr role gets you through that first phase of a breakup, that’s fine. For some, that’s a form of mourning. Giving a dead dynamic the grieving period it warrants. Especially if the connection was ever meaningful or positive before it disintegrated. But just know that you don’t have to get stuck there. The point of breaking an addiction isn’t to suffer in a new and interesting way. (In the “anonymous” rooms, I think they call this kinda behavior being a “dry drunk”.) People do this so they can say that they’re not happy with or without the person; that the only way they’ll ever be happy is to have them back. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because they’re not actively trying to fill their lives with anything else. They aren’t forming any replacement habits. Ultimately, they know they will return to the obsessive cycle because they never eliminated their reservations about just how much this way of being is destroying them. Let’s don’t be that guy.

A PRACTICAL APPROACH TO BEGINNING THE END

Start today. The approach is super simple. Make a list of all the habits you know are contributing to your own internal turmoil and demise. What is keeping you stuck in this loop of attachment addiction? Think of everything listed above. How frequently are you texting this person? Checking for their messages? Looking at their profiles or pictures you’ve saved in that hidden album of your phone? Thinking of them? Talking to family members or friends about them? Make that list. Call yourself out. And then, make a separate list. This will be a list of everything you want to do or focus on from now on that you’ve been inadvertently back-burnering. Then, every time the triggering feeling comes up to do anything from the first list, go to the second list and pick something from it. Maybe it’s watching a funny video. Maybe it’s taking the dog to the park. Maybe it’s hitting up the farmer’s market. Novelty and healthy decisions will become your new habit you crave because you force yourself to experience that any time a craving comes. Boom. Association.

I know this year has been hard. And nothing feels certain. But here’s a secret: nothing ever was. The only thing we can be sure of is that we’re all still alive. For now, at least. So, if we’re going to be alive, even if just for now, why not live that to the fullest? Doing what serves us, our spirit, and those around us? Don’t let the media deceive you into a false sense of hopelessness. You are worth more than settling. You are worth more than glass boundaries and a foundation made of sand. You just need to work to prove that to yourself. And it starts with this. Vaccinating yourself against a virus bigger than covid itself: this emotional, psychological, and spiritual herpes that’s been bringing you down each time you finally escape its clutches. This prison that’s been worse – and possibly farther reaching – than quarantine itself.

Best of luck on your chain breaking inoculation.

Detox From Your Ex Obsession Today (Part 1)

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Political insanity. Violent protests. Charmin’ shortages.

2020 has become known for a lot of things. But the main and driving force behind so much of the insanity happening this year boils down to what is this 12 month period in history will always be known for – the year of the virus. Covid. Coronavirus. The ‘rona. And, with all of the isolation, quarantine, and reduction of warm and meaningful lives to cold and distant digital interactions… another virus emerges. A herpes like virus. The one where we return to our active addictions. I don’t mean the booze. (Although I do prognosticate overflowing AA rooms by the time this nightmare is over.) No. I mean the one where we return to the former flames we thought we’d stomped out ages ago. The ones that were easy to forget when options were endless, distractions were plentiful, and life was normal.


(“Yes, being in this blue prison for the past ten months has made me miss you too!”)

TEXTS FROM THE EX

Indeed, since covid hit, innumerable reports of texts from exes have been made. You may know this one. You spent weeks or months getting over them. Then, out of the black, you get that “hey stranger” message at ten on a Friday when he or she has some emotion potion running through their veins. (Or, if you’re me, you get a whopping “Yo”. True poetry, right? John Cusack under your window holding up a boombox blaring love ballads can’t top that.) And, for all its awfulness, this breadcrumbing has indeed resulted in so many hopping back on the toxicity train to take another ride around the anxious attachment track. Then, you get off, dazed and confused a month or two later – equal parts wanting to stow aboard all over again and wanting to throw rocks at it.

WHY WE DO IT

But first off, let’s not get too angry with ourselves. It’s tough enough when things are going well. However, as much as we love novelty, human beings also crave familiarity, structure, and connection. And, in a year filled with uncertainty, reaching out to an ex feels like safety. We remember how warm and protected we felt by their presence, their voice, or even just those digital exchanges. That’s why this year has been especially tough for that. We want that comfort. But to uproot that nonlogic plant, we need only remind ourselves of one thing: nothing is ever certain. We never know what will happen from one day to the next. It could be a virus. It could be an asteroid. It could be an armored vehicle filled with cash hitting you after you spent all morning meditating “money abundance” manifestation affirmations.

Nothing is certain. We just subconsciously convince ourselves that it is by tallying up the likelihood of disaster unfolding based off the fact that things have gone relatively well thus far, so we can move through our days with less anxiety. That’s all. But it always potentially lurks around the corner. Indeed, nothing is certain. Nothing, that is except the fact that interacting in a toxic attachment addiction relationship will inevitably bring you down. It will diminish the quality of your other dynamics. It will make you less present in your daily interactions. It will steal from your focus and passions. You shove all these things in the backseat like the worst Uber driver ever, as you spend the majority of your day either focusing on this person or interacting with them somehow. Maybe you look at old text messages. Maybe you check to see if they are online. Maybe you look at their profile. Browse old pictures. Talk about them to others.


(“We’re all happy your ex viewed your IG story, Karen, but do you think we can circle back to the project whose deadline is tonight?”)

Why?

Because each time you do this, you get a hit of dopamine.

As extensive research has shown, it’s just like a drug.

Keep reading to see why you keep “microdosing” on your toxic partner…

Keeping Clean In Quarantine For The Isolated Addict

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It was tough enough pre-pandemic.

The slightest of inconveniences could feel like a trigger. The rainy weather. A long day of work. The dog taking too long to drop a deuce. Staying sober or clean was sufficiently difficulty at the best of times. But, back then, we all had outlets. For those managing their obsessions independent of a substance related group, there were gyms and coffeehouses to visit. We could punch and run our problems out. Or we could talk them to death over coffee. What’s more, the familiarity of that routine is so very comforting for the recovering addict. We love our routines. Our rituals. They bring us great comfort. My Fridays out with friends and my regular sweaty sessions at the dojo filled a void. They were hydration to my desiccated soul. I’d had a tough day or week. But I always knew I had something to anticipate. A reward.


(“Good thing I have Muay Thai to replace mai tai’s now….”)

Now, nothing.

Even if I still resonated with the anony-meetings, meetups are cancelled.

Along with the rest of the world.

As an essential worker, I know I should feel grateful to still have an income. And I do. But it’s taxing. Physically and psychologically. I spend my days using my body to heal other bodies. I spend my days using my brain to figure out how I can do that while managing a busy schedule. And I spend my days draining my empathy reserves on non-compliant patients. I’m spent by the end. And, with none of my usual outlets to fill myself back up, I go from one draining day, week, and now month, into the next. What’s more – I live alone. So, unlike my colleagues who go home to a significant other they can Netflix or hike with, it’s just me.

It’s been seven years since I’ve craved the object of my addiction: pills.

Once I had my new life in place, I didn’t miss them.

But recently, I nearly caved.

My savior? A porn star. No, I don’t mean that a stint of self love kept me clean. (Although, if that’s what you need to do, more power to you, friend.) Rather, it was a buddy I have on social media who happens to star in adult films. He had just posted about sobriety. For me, alcohol was never the issue. Pills were. But it was the same concept. So, I asked him what he was doing to stay clean in quarantine while isolated. And what he said kinda gave me a case of the duh’s: meditate. Cultivate a gratitude list. Take stock of what is going well right now. Find a new routine. Automatically, I was retro jet propelled back into my early days of clean time in my life after meds. I recall having none of the stuff I have now and managing to remain pill free. I read. I worked out on my elliptical. I cleaned. I did some art. I watched some contemplative documentaries instead of scrolling through dopamine depleting Insta posts. And, just like my friend, Seth, I meditated.

In a way, getting clean that first time was a lot like this pandemic has been.


(It used to be “you’re not alone” because there were other addicts. But *this* experience is universal.)

You step into the unknown and it feels like a kind of death.

It’s terrifying. And you know that it’s going to be hard. That it won’t feel good. That you’ll take a few L’s. But, somehow, you have the faith to believe that your hardship and sacrifice is going to yield something better. In the case of early recovery, you know that withdrawal will end within a few weeks tops and that (provided that you’re doing the work) you’ll retrain your brain toward a new normal. They talk a lot about “bucking the system” in the rooms of NA. But, now, is the ultimate test. Instead of avoiding step work or gratitude lists, now it’s about “bucking reality”. We’re all going through this. It’s a shared experience. The only question is – how will we choose to deal with it? Because, in the end, it is very much a choice. Maybe the world will go back to the way it was. But maybe another wave of illness will send us back into quarantine. The best we can do is to be prepared and have a system – just like we implemented during early clean time.

So, for my fellow friends attempting to remain unsullied in isolation: consider doing what I’m begrudgingly attempting myself today. Generate a list of what is going well. If you can’t think of anything, think of someone you love who’s still alive. And start there. Is your dog cuddled up next to you? Do you have an income? Is there still central heating keeping you warm (which we still need in mid spring for some reason)? How about your limbs? Are they all still attached to your torso? Can you hear your favorite playlist with two functional ears? Watch your favorite movie with two operating eyes? The list goes on when you actually redirect your focus. (No pun intended there.)


(“I only have a roof over my head, my health, my job, my family, internet access and plenty of food. I’m dyingggg…”)

After that, in the spirit of lists, keep going. And make a daily routine, hour by hour. Following this each day, even loosely, will help hold you accountable to a schedule and keep you out of your head. Wake at eight and eat breakfast. Work remotely after. Run at noon. Clean at one. Meditate at four. Dinner at five. Whatever seems doable, make that your new plan. I’m not saying don’t have any stretches of freedom. But hours upon hours of idle time is the enemy of sobriety.

Also, it might sound odd, but I’m gonna say it: foster a dog. The single thing getting me through isolation right now is my furry companion. With her classic Pekingese bug eyes and rock star personality, I am constantly being brought out of bad thought cycles. Animals pick up on tension. And, like clockwork, when I’m letting my head get away from me, she’s there. Sat on my lap. Paw on my wrist. It’s as if to say, “Pet me instead of picking up.” (Also, I think she’s psychic because she’s making her way toward me now that we’re talking about her…)

Then, finally, for those of you who depended on the meetings, I feel you. Even as an introvert, I know for a fact that there’s something I get out of eye contact, hugs, and unspoken microexpressions or body language that I can’t get from a text message. In person, you can gaze at eachother. In person, you share energy. In isolation, you sit there, looking at your phone and hoping the red “one” appears before you start taking desperate measures. Fortunately for us, however, “Zoom” is now a thing. And, as I’ve perused a few online blogs about the digital anony-meetings, this seems to be the best bet. Having just done a family zoom last weekend, I can safely say this is a lot more enjoyable than it sounds. I hadn’t wanted to hop on a facetime conference call to talk. It seemed so distant and cold compared to actual gatherings. But, within a few minutes, it was just like the real thing. Mom and dad were confused and turning up their hearing aids. Brother was bantering with sister. Sister and I were making stupid faces and pretending to be descending imaginary stairs in the frame while everyone else ignored us and talked about Covid. So, if you’re not up for a typical meeting and hearing addicts regurgitate idioms or unoriginal dogma from the last one they went to across town, then facetime a friend. Anything to re-frame your brain and get you back on track.

And if you’re feeling quite alone right now, just know that you’re not special.

But what you are is newly equipped – with some adequate coping tools.

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 2)

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So, we’ve established by now that it’s time to move on.

There’s no hope of getting back with your ex and the only way out is forward.

But… how? When our relache is playing on loop in our minds?

Simply put… by shutting the door on that chapter and detoxing from them.

As mentioned, science shows a parallel between nose candy and your former bae.

That’s not a theory or opinion. It’s a legitimate imaging study done between the brain on love versus cocaine. Now, for anyone here who’s suffered the hell of active addiction before, you may well recall the pain of withdrawal. It was pain on every level. Not just your brain. Your whole body hurt. The color was sucked from anything and everything fun you once enjoyed. It felt like it’d last forever and never change. But, then, one day… it did. Once you really, truly realize that the same thing is happening in your brain while going through withdrawal from a lover and a drug, you realize something important. What’s the one rule you had to follow in order to detox and avoid activating the addiction again? Do. Not. Use. Right? That’s the first rule. What people don’t realize, however, is that each time we take an action to feel re-connected to our ex, we are using. Read that again. Attempting to re-connect with our ex, even without them present, gives us a fix on a physiological level. We’re getting high off of them, in their absence. It’s the masturbatory version of having them around again because, in solitude, we use the thoughts and activities that link us to them to accomplish what their company would. Why are we like this? Because we get a brief, dopamine high from feeling nearer to them. And, half the time, we don’t even realize that’s what we’re doing. So let’s stop that today, shall we? Let’s review what counts as “using” and see who among us is as guilty as I have definitely been so very many times before.

First, there’s the hardest part: the thoughts.

Looping the good times makes you miss them. Recalling arguments makes you angry. Wondering what they’re up to. Imagining who they’re with now. These thoughts arise and we ride them into a sunset of our own insanity, unable to focus on anything else. Thoughts are so tough to overcome. The antidote? Taking your brain to the gym to hone your re-focusing muscle and build some self calming brawn. (AKA meditation.) Meditation is a great practice for learning how to give these thoughts the finger as soon as they pop up. How’s it work? Not at all how you think.


(This is 100% normal. Especially if you’re just starting out…)

First, you sit in quiet silence, focusing on your breathing. Inevitably, the thought comes up. And, inevitably, you’ll start going with that thought. Your chest tightens. Your heartbeat quickens. (“That bastard! That slut!”) Then, suddenly, you’ll realize a minute or two later that you’re meant to be meditating and get mad at yourself. Skip the getting mad step. Instead, immediately return to the deep calming breath, redirect your focus, and calm your central nervous system. I don’t care if you hitched to that bad thought for five seconds or five hours. Skip the self deprecation part. Why? Because that mental deviation is part of meditation. You don’t get strong by lifting no weight. And you don’t get strong by quitting after the first rep. So, know that this process will repeat. Let it. Let those awful thoughts come, combat them with your breath and attention, and continue on. What you’ll notice is that the more than you do this, the time it takes to return to your self calming breath will become briefer and briefer. What you’ll also notice is that this will become second nature – like muscle memory – later on when you’re actually interacting with the world functionally; not just when you’re sitting in some serene lotus posture beside your sage and citrus Yankee candle. It actually translates to the real world.

The second means of “using” is social media.


(Ooooh… homegirl broke out the laptop to see his new ho in high def…)

Maybe you innocently hopped on to check notifications.

But, within moments, you’re on the prowl.

Did he change his profile picture? Did she update her relationship status to single yet? Or worse – “in a relationship” again? With someone else? Did he re-friend that ex he was talking to on the sly all along? Is she online right now? If so, who’s she talking to? Technology adds an awful whole new layer we never had to deal with a couple decades ago. It deprives us of the Schroedinger’s cat element of breakups. (“Maybe he moved on; maybe he didn’t…”) There’s no good outcome that arises from doing this. So, why do we do it? Again, to get our fix. There’s the fleeting excitement while we wait for that page to load. It’s a gamble. Maybe there’s some news that will drive us even further into anxiety. Maybe there’s nothing, and we’ll still wonder what they’re up to. The cycle not only continues, but gets amplified. And the prospect of detox is even further away now that we’ve reignited that cycle. The fix to seeking our fix? In this case, it may mean avoiding social media or even just blocking your ex to avoid the temptation of seeing what they’re doing.

The third thing we do to us is quite similar.

It’s a habit that combines the first two. And that’s the “communication review”. Ever peruse your old text messages and conversations? In a way, it’s like you’re reliving your whole relationship again. The inside jokes. The pictures. And then… the arguments and cruel words. By the end of your phone scrolling, you’ve not only failed to help yourself detox. You’re literally right back where you were at the start – freshly broken up. No wound healing. No moving on. You’ve just brought everything to the surface – only to suffer again. The compulsion to use is even stronger when we ruminate.

It’s the classic insanity of returning to the source of our pain to assuage said pain.


(Re-reading rejection makes you feel devalued again. Self devalue make us use. What do we use? The thing that devalued us. Do you see the cycle?)

Fourth is what I like to call the drive by.

You know where he goes. Hangs out. Shops. Gets his gas. You know when she’ll get off work and what street she tends to drive down. Ask yourself the honest question, then: are you purposely passing through these places because you know they’ll be there at those times? Are you taking the long way home in hopes of seeing his car? And who might be in it with him? In the past, I’ve realized that I was doing this on a subconscious level. My denial was so strong, that I didn’t even realize I was taking the long road that passes by his street each day or hitting the Walmart only when I knew he might be there. I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out. It came as more of a question: “Do you realize you never take that way home whenever you guys are doing okay?” Ouch. The truth hurt. (Even though I totally got defensive and denied it at the time.) But it remained true. And what happened after that was that, when I did knowingly take the long way home, I felt even worse than before. I mean it felt bad before, but I didn’t know why. Now I knew, and that feeling was amplified. Because, now, I felt worse for a lack of seeing him (or seeing him, for that matter) and worse about myself for giving into my addiction yet again. Relapse induces feelings of worthlessness. We feel devalued all over again. So, save yourself the trouble of these self deprecating activities by not only quitting the intentional drive-bys, but by avoiding places they may be. Even if it means going out of your way to visit the other Walmart across town. Not forever. Just for now.

Fifth is the super cringe-y one I never thought I’d do: the mutual friend schmooze. So… you haven’t spoken to that couple with whom you’re mutually pals, his mom, his grandma, or anyone else you both know for well over a year. Then, the breakup happens. And, within moments, you’re sending funny memes to her sister or his grams, hoping that their positive vote for you will register with your errant ex. He’ll come back when he sees how great everyone else thinks you are. He won’t. Also, your motives are so obvious. I’ve seen this one from my recent ex’s exes so many times. One chick he dated previously would come visit his mom for coffee after they broke up. Another took out his sister on spa trips (using her daddy’s credit card, big baller of a barista that she was). I rolled my eyes at this one so hard. That is, until I was the ex and realizing I was seconds from sending a picture to his grandma I thought she’d find funny. Ew. No. Put the phone down. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. Or whatever other non gender or double gender options we have now, in 2019.


(“Let’s send him a selfie of us together so he knows I came over to steal your pills help you out today!”)

So, why do we do this stuff? Aside from to get our fix? Well, in my past, it’s been about closure. Was there something hidden there in the messages, in the memories, or the passenger’s side of his passing Subaru that would give me a clue? Let me save you some time. The answer is no. Whatever you potentially recall or find as you rewind the gag reel that was your relationship might lead to more questions. But it definitely won’t give you any answers. Or closure. Only they can give you answers. But that’s not your cue to reach out. Because, when you do, they may not be the answers you want, you’ll reignite the addiction by interacting with them, and you’ll deny yourself closure because you don’t want to hear anything other than that they want you back. Case in point? When my ex told me he didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore, I immediately reached for any other reason it could be. Anything other than a lack of attraction. Was there another girl? What it just that he was freshly sober? More questions – until I finally stopped myself short. I cut myself off. Why? Because this self inquiry came to me: “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” That’s a horrible place to be. Constant signs of rejection are worse than being alone. Also, if you truly love them, as I loved him, you wouldn’t want that kind of a life for them, either. Only I could give myself closure from here on out. How? By closing the door on him and addictive activities like these that kept me linked to a dead connection.

And so can you.

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 1)

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Did you know that love and cocaine do the same thing to the brain?

No, really.


(Ring finger rock? Or crack rock? It’s all the same…)

If you look at image studies of the human brain under the influence of love versus said upper drug, the same thing’s happening. The same areas of your think organ light right up. There’s a dopamine high that lasts for around three months when we first fall for someone. Then, it dwindles. However, we remain linked to them because of that hormonal tethering we experienced. Kinda scary, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. It’s scary inasmuch as it means our minds might be lying to us for the first few months after we meet someone we think we love. (The real test is if positive sentiments – even if they aren’t elation – persist thereafter.) However, when it comes to breakups, it’s kind of comforting. It’s comforting because you’re so inconsolably miserable. Now, that might not make sense, but hear me out. See, all along, you’ve been telling yourself to just knock it off, get over it, and sack up. Be stronger than the problem. Move on. You even go through the motions of “moving on”. You move about your day even though you want to stay in bed. Your brain and body are sprinting in the complete opposite direction of your will. When nighttime comes, the day’s distraction and laughter turns to tears.

So, what’s the fix?

Well, while time is always the answer to healing a broken heart, it’s what you do with that time that matters. We didn’t get into the habit of being linked to our ex overnight. There may have even been a time in the beginning where we had our doubts. Maybe we didn’t want to relinquish parts of our identity. Or even our solo time – or time with friends. It took a while to acclimate to life with them. Likewise, it’ll take a while to acclimate to life without them. It’s just that the getting over them process is longer than the getting into them one because of the internal chemicals involved. That’s why we can’t just fill our days with distracting activities. Those are good to a point. And so is the act of focusing on your career, hobbies, friends, or passion projects. But these tips are going to be a bit different. These tips are meant to address what happens in those moments when our brains are too tired to be productive or creative or social – and the demons of the past are upon us. What we have to remember is that we got hooked on our relationship and that took time. Similarly, the only way to get over it is to get those chemicals out of our system. But the trick is that we have to be committed to that – to getting over them – if that’s what we truly want.

Is that what you truly want?

If the answer to that is yes, then we need to answer the next question honestly. “Am I waiting around?” Think about it before answering. This is especially difficult in “on again; off again” relationships. If the M.O. for your partner is to get in touch after a week or two to “talk things out”, you might find yourself waiting around to see if they’ll call. I’ve done this so many times. Why? Because usually the argument was over something dumb that could be fixed. However, the most recent one was one from which there was no returning. He said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. And he said it when he was totally sober. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt. However, unlike a tipsy argument or a clashing of egos, this was a dead end. No amount of “talking it out” can fix if someone doesn’t love you. And my bottom line is that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. The end. It may be painful, but it’s far simpler than wondering what he’s thinking and not getting any answers. Now I know, so I can close the door. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that closure, though. (I feel for you guys. I’ve been there, too.) So, what you have to decide is whether you want to wait around and torture yourself or whether you want to take back your power and move on.

The following tips are for those who finally have decided to do the latter…

(Keep reading for actionable advice on how to truly move on.)

Will Drinking Improve Your Relationship? (Part 2)

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We just covered what some studies have to say about couples who drink together.

But where does that leave you?

How do you decide whether or not to throw in the sobriety towel and join your S.O.?

Well, if you’re on this site, you probably identify with someone who either has an issue with alcohol or some other substance. Maybe you can manage your cabernet but not your anxiety tablets. Maybe you’re fine with chemicals but your obsession is food. My only suggestion? To get very, very honest with yourself about that. What are your triggers or general issue? What can and can’t you moderate? Then, get very, very honest with yourself about where your partner stands with that as well. If they’re waving red flags, heed that shiz. Because it only takes one addict who’s using to take everyone down around them – especially the chemically susceptible.

And, finally, let’s say you do know you have a proclivity toward addictive tendencies. You’ve read articles about the study in question and it’s got you thinking. I mean, your own relationship’s gone a bit stale and you see that some relationships can be improved by adding alcohol. Now, you’re second guessing sobriety, as a result. It might be time to ask yourself: when I wasn’t happy with myself – was adding alcohol ever the answer? That’s a rhetorical question for anyone who’s been through a recovery program. So, so is the next question:

“Then why would adding alcohol to my relationship be the answer?”

I knew someone once who used to say, “Think that thought through”. It was great advice. And, lemme walk you through it, if you’re an addict. You’re with your significant other. They say something annoying. Before you know it, you’re on your second glass of sauvignon to dampen the rising rage you feel toward him. Now you’re no longer the master of your emotions. It could go one of two ways. It could end up in a blow out fight when you try to express yourself and he gets livid in return. Or, it could end up making you feel more forgiving, you have a great night together, and you wake up tomorrow realizing the problem is still there and you’re still livid about it – maybe more so, now that your endorphin levels have been sucked even farther back out to the neurochemical sea. And you’re left, cold and shaking on the shores of reality. For those with an addiction, chemicals either make us handle our issues with excessive and negative emotions or they mask those issues, only to amplify them later when the feel good chemicals are at an all time low. This is when the “sober” arguments start, fooling you into thinking that you need to drink around eachother to be happy. The truth is, you may be sober, but you’re still suffering the after effects of alcohol. Your feel-good chemicals your body naturally makes are now lower than normal. Everything offends and annoys you. From their phone call, timed right when you’re busy to an unanswered text or tone in the reply they did give – we tend to assume the worst when we’re feeling the worst. We judge people based on our emotional filter. And, for someone with any kind of an imbalance seeing through the screen of sudden sobriety, everyone looks like the enemy. Especially those closest to us.

So, whether you’re an addict or not, give your encounters with the sauce a good reflection. Look at how the times you’ve drank alone or with someone have affected you – not just in the moment, but in the days following as well. Was there anything you said or did to them that you weren’t proud of? Were there fights or interactions you can’t even remember? And if any of that sits wrong with you, then maybe it’s time to sit out the whole drinking thing.

And if your partner has a problem with that?

Well, then it might just be time to sit out that relationship altogether.

Will Drinking Improve Your Relationship? (Part 1)

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Maybe you’ve seen the ad surfacing every so often.

There’s a picture of a lovely, Bohemian looking brunette, laughing alongside a Matthew Hussey looking gentlemen. They’re at a party. The lighting looks like something out of a Netflix series catered to millennials, with its warm and orangey lighting. They’re smiling. Body language is open. And, of course, they’re holding beers. Then, below, the photo? Below’s the statement that “couples who drink together are happier together”. Wow. What an advertisement, am I right? Happier than who? The happy sober (or half sober) couple now questioning whether their perceived contentment was wrong all along? Laughable, when you hear it out loud, isn’t it?


(Takeaway: “Suck down that Sammy Smith or prepare for a lonely and cold trek toward your casket, solo!”)

It’s funny.

We scroll through ads like these, thinking they aren’t affecting us. But, as I actually heard a peer who’d recently flailed herself off fallen off the wagon mask her excuse with humor (saying, “Couples who get drunk together are happier – science says so!”), I couldn’t help but recall this post. That’s the issue with our quick feed scrolling culture. We read the headline. We don’t bother to research the details. But I did. And what’s the surrounding context that everyone’s missing?

That, yes, couples who drink together are happier.

That is – couples who drink in moderation together are happier. That also is – couples who drink in moderation and who don’t have any behavioral or psychological issues (like, say, addiction) surrounding alcohol are happier together. Per the actual article itself (and the study, if you bother to look at it), heavy drinkers were excluded from this study. So were those with any addictive proclivities.
What’s more, the study swings the opposite way, as well – showing that it’s more to do with solidarity than anything. Yes, if one person drinks, both will be happier if each drink. However, if one person doesn’t drink, they’ll be just as happy together sans swilling down any joy juice. It’s a matter of the impact one has on the other. Let’s not also forget that this study was performed amongst married folks. That means two things. The first is that, when you’ve been together for over three decades (as the subjects in this study were), you tend to do similar stuff. Hell, you may even do that now in your current relationship. Just think of the age old argument about where you’re gonna eat for dinner.


(Why not just order from different places?)

I notice this a lot. When we’re with our partners, we don’t want to eat alone. We don’t want to be watching a show alone while the other’s on their phone. We want that sense of communion and camaraderie, or else we feel distant from them. Then, there’s the other aspect to the marriage. Ever heard of a little something called confirmation bias? Once you’ve committed to a decision and you’re locked in (as transpires after the ol’ ball ‘n chain ritual beautiful exchanging of vows), you have to convince yourself you’re okay with that decision. For decades to come. It’s gonna be a long ride to the grave, so you’ll either lie and say you’re happy about it or try to get closer to them by doing whatever it is that they do. Like, drink.

We like to believe that opposites attract. And, in some respects, that’s true. If you’re an introverted type on the Meyers-Briggs, maybe an extrovert will ground you or bring you out of your shell. If you like science, maybe a hippie painter type can open the right side of your brain up. If you like adrenalinizing sports and your lover does yoga, maybe you can teach each other the joy of different things. However, trying new things requires a level of effort. The way we relate and build rapport is by what we have in common. So, at least some of the stuff we’re doing when we’re together should definitely be a common interest or a shared activity – whether it’s enjoying a beer, meal, or movie together.

So, where does that leave you?

Keep reading to find out…

Can A Pill Help You Quit Pills Or Drinking?

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Why do we keeping throwing back those cocktails?

Or popping those pills?

Or eating a whole cheesecake or bag o’ big macs in a single sitting?


(“Why choose?”)

Deep down, we believed at some point that one (or all) could solve inner pain.

And it may have – for a moment. But let’s fast-forward to the point where it mowed through our life goals, gasolined our dreams, and spat a match on the whole mess. Does it still feel like a solution? (Assuming you’ve recognized your use of it is responsible for that aforementioned destruction?) And, if you (rightly) answered no – then why would another substance be the answer to that inner turmoil you never addressed at the start? You cannot solve an internal problem with an external solution, as we all know. And that’s why I was kinda curious as I was reading up on the drug called Naltrexone. A life saver, quite literally, for those going through the worst of alcohol addiction, this stuff essentially competes with your pleasure receptors, rendering that rum you love unpalatable and joyless. And does it work? Well, it gets the job done – as far as stealing the appeal from adult beverages.

But at what cost?

The trick with this med is that you’ve got to keep using. Sounds counterintuitive, but the way in which is works is to “extinguish” that Pavlovian association you have between a substance and the sensation of euphoria that follows. Studies showed that attempting the pharmaceutical without the substance failed to eradicate cravings all but one time (36 out of 37) trials. Contrarily, in those subjects ingesting alcohol alongside the pill, all but one case eradicated craving. After that, it’s simple. You take the med an hour before partaking. And, in so doing, you tweak the link between your brain and beer bottle from glorious angel choirs streaming through stained glass to monochrome indifference slathered in apathy.

So, what’s wrong with suddenly feeling indifferent to the spirits that’re killing you?

That sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

The issue, unfortunately, is that this sentiment tends to follow all the feel good stuff. See, when I decided to quit all external toxins for a bit, it was tough. I thought I needed something to stay afloat socially. (Like Valium.) Something to endure work. (Like Valium.) To survive life’s clearly malevolent plans against me. (Say it with me now…) Once I decided benzos were no longer an option, however, something was indeed there to catch me; natural highs were my saving grace. Jogging. Yoga. Meditation. Writing. Socializing with like minded survivors of their own minds, who were also trying to navigate life in their flesh vessels, minus plying them with chemicals of any kind. (That – positive human connection – is so underrated as a “high”.) Yes, those organic endorphin pumpers were necessary not only to help me re-associate my source of joy to something healthier; but they were also crucial in giving me a reason to stay the course. They made sobriety sustainable. They made exhuming that deep sense of doom more doable – so I could see why I was reaching for chemical comfort in the first place and fix it. If I could find my joy by other means, I didn’t need to be under the thumb of rum or go on benzo benders. But Naltrexone doesn’t really allow that. In clinical trials, it thwarted many sources of euphoria – however natural. From working out to visits with friends or fam, the enjoyment’s extracted from everything:

“Furthermore, a single 50 mg dose of naltrexone (versus placebo) inhibits participants’ experience of the calm, peaceful, relaxed and pleasant mood states following exercise (Daniel et al. 1992). A recent double-blind naltrexone-placebo crossover study demonstrated that ingestion of naltrexone for four days (25 mg for the first two days, and 50 mg for the last two days) significantly reduced participants’ feelings of social connectedness towards friends and family compared to a placebo control period”

And that’s not a long term way to manage an issue like this.

It takes three months to work – for the pill to rid the desire to drink. And, the whole time you’re on it, you’re joyless and drinking. Can you imagine going that long without any enjoyment in life? Problems I’d foresee would be prematurely quitting the stuff, overdosing in a desperate attempt to get high, or suicide in the absence of any positive feelings. And, the thing is, it would be good for people who need to quit drinking pronto because they’re at death’s door – if you could take it without drinking or using your drug’ve choice. You cannot. You have to keep using so your brain can associate total boredom with your tried and true brain soother. And what’s a better solution? Working from the inside out. For someone wanting to get clean or sober in a sustainable way, finding an alternative means of fulfillment is imperative. If you can’t find the joy or fun in life sans a substance, then what’s the point? If you can’t feel good from something like socializing, exercising, creating, learning, or any of the other top notch natural highs, then why bother?

Now, this may raise the whole “get real, Ashley” statement. (Eyeroll and all.) I mean, sure, programs work for plenty of people. But for plenty of others, programs get left by the edge of the road in favor of old habits. So, perhaps, the best bet would be to use this pharmaceutical as a backup plan. In other words, go ahead and get a prescription. Don’t take it until you’ve gone to a few meetings sober and connected with some members. Then, if you feel a craving, try plan A first: calling your sponsor or trusted sober mentor. If that fails, go for Plan B: pop this med you’ve been prescribed, as directed, and then ingest your libation. And then keep taking the med from then on (again – as directed).

So where do you find these “groups”? Well, it depends on what you’re looking for. Some people become dependent but don’t identify as addicts. If that’s you – if you’re looking to manage your drinking this year (versus quitting altogether) – then maybe consider a group like Moderation Management. Or, even if you’re on the fence about whether you need total sobriety or not, any of the “Anonymous” groups are helpful. Even if you’re not subscribing to all the dogma, some of it’s pretty stellar advice to live by. In addition, some people find respite in religion. Or a dojo. Or a sewing circle. Supplement with whatever you need. Just find a group of people who’ve managed to get sober or moderate. Find people who have a map of how to get there. And let them help you on your quest to do the same. Remain open – not only to change, but to assessing what it is that fuels you to feed this fruitless desire in the first place so that you can change it. Seek the reason for your drug seeking. Because even if you end up using this pill as “Plan B”, it can never solve the underlying problem. And, as a wise man once said, you cannot solve a problem with the line of thinking that got you there.

So, why not assume a new one?