anxious attachment

Obsessive Anxious Attachment: It’s Your Job To Fix It (Part 2)

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Sure, adrenal addiction may cause some of your anxious attachment tendencies.

It can make people super productive.


(Ever hit the gym to blow off steam after a bad fight with a lover?)

But there’s also a deeper reason.

WE’RE JUST AS INSECURE AS THEY ARE

Yep. We’re not exempt from the madness of this. We ourselves are just as insecure as our dismissive avoidant partners. Yes, the one who runs has learned to do so because perhaps they had parents, teachers, or maybe even primary relationship where they could not depend on them early on. Rejected. Neglected. Mocked. Abandoned. Whatever it was, they had to fend for themselves. They are used to doing things on their own because they’ve always had too. And they are afraid that getting too close will mean you leaving so they resent you prematurely for that. It’s a projection of feelings toward their initial caregivers or connections. The first people who were supposed to love them failed. So they reject help and love now, having had to find it – or a version of it – for themselves their whole lives. It’s all they have, seeing as they couldn’t have love. So, it becomes a replacement for love. And they’ll be damned if you take that away from them. But, we are just as bad. See, for us, we may not have been physically abandoned, but maybe we were emotionally neglected. Perhaps we were made to feel not good enough. Physical affection was lacking. Negative comments and judgment were a regular thing we received. As a result, deep down, we may crave excessive validation and constant affirmation. (Something no one should have to be responsible for doling out.) We need to incessantly hear that our partner still loves us and approves of us. Just like they did at the beginning. And that might work out if we were to actively seek out healthy attachment styles. They would leave us feeling secure. Or they could help us recognize these tendencies and work through them. But we don’t.

WE PREFER THE CHASE BECAUSE WE’RE RUNNING TOO

Yet we keep attracting avoidant types… Why? The answer is actually kinda ironic. We’re actually running, too. The problem is, deep down, we might still believe all that awful stuff we’ve been told either directly or indirectly in our formative years. We are not good enough. Not attractive enough. Not capable enough. Not smart enough. And, as a result, we may be afraid that if somebody gets too close they will see the cracks in the statue – the flaws. The “nice” thing about love bombing for someone insecure is that it happens fast and furious. Your partner doesn’t take the time to actually get to know you when they hit you with a barrage of compliments and presents. They hardly know you. Someone normal would be suspicious of this. Not us. We’re just glad they’re skipping straight to the emotional paycheck without any of the hours being clocked. Maybe when we thought that they liked us, they weren’t seeing the whole picture. Just the facade. And if they get close enough to do so, they may not like it. They can’t really value us. We know the truth, deep down. So, distance is safety.

They will leave completely if they see us bare. At least this arm’s-length relationship will keep them in our orbit. So, just as the avoidant feels safe to grow cold after the love bombing phase (knowing that we will chase them), we feel safe knowing that the avoidant is never truly going to take a real interest in us enough to see us for who we truly are. Not enough to judge it, anyway. And when they run away, it is confirmation of the identity we have come to believe about ourselves: that we indeed are not good enough to keep. So we ironically feel secure in at least knowing that we were right… About some awful “truth” about who we are.


(Wearing a fake face and chasing someone… Do we get why the avoidant runs?)

FIRST STEP IS RECOGNITION

So, what’s the fix? Recognizing this is half the battle. So is recognizing that you can’t fix the avoidant. Sadly, this isn’t a fix for the relationship itself – but for you yourself. Yes, you can try and point out the truth. You can try to enlighten them about who they are and you are so that you can work on it together. But that rarely ends in success. Often, an avoidant will not want to work on themselves. And they will not want to seek professional help. You have to remember that help is their job. They don’t accept help. They give it because that’s all they have. That’s been their love replacement for as long as they can recall. Their coping mechanism.

You’ll even notice them caught in toxic codependencies with others because they’re “needed”. They pretend to resent it – that everyone asks them for everything. But, secretly, they’re addicted to it. Their philosophy is that they’ve been self-dependent for years… and they aren’t dead yet. So it must be fine. In fact, they may be doing great financially, physically, or educationally. They may be thriving in every external realm, while their psyche, spirit, and relationships suffer a slow death. But because people, usually, don’t see that part… it matters less to them. It has less value. Especially if they can keep others far enough away not to see it. Bottom line? Just like any relationship, you can’t fix a partner. Likewise, you can’t stick around if they refuse to fix themselves.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO DATE SOMEONE NEW…

So, why do we? Why do we stick around? We may not. We may try, during one of the many periods where our partner grows cold, to attempt a healthy relationship with someone new. And what we may notice is that it feels…. boring. Bland. There’s no spark. No real excitement. We don’t feel the same high octane level of passion or motivation that we may have felt in our prior attachment. We may even resent or judge the other person who is showing us a healthy level of attention. After all, why can’t they see what a gargoyle you truly are deep down? Like the other person who ran away all the time? We may even come to judge them for loving us. Twisted, right?


(An overused quote by me, but relevant, nonetheless…)

So, how can we love someone who truly values us?

Keep reading to find out…

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 2)

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So, we’ve established by now that it’s time to move on.

There’s no hope of getting back with your ex and the only way out is forward.

But… how? When our relache is playing on loop in our minds?

Simply put… by shutting the door on that chapter and detoxing from them.

As mentioned, science shows a parallel between nose candy and your former bae.

That’s not a theory or opinion. It’s a legitimate imaging study done between the brain on love versus cocaine. Now, for anyone here who’s suffered the hell of active addiction before, you may well recall the pain of withdrawal. It was pain on every level. Not just your brain. Your whole body hurt. The color was sucked from anything and everything fun you once enjoyed. It felt like it’d last forever and never change. But, then, one day… it did. Once you really, truly realize that the same thing is happening in your brain while going through withdrawal from a lover and a drug, you realize something important. What’s the one rule you had to follow in order to detox and avoid activating the addiction again? Do. Not. Use. Right? That’s the first rule. What people don’t realize, however, is that each time we take an action to feel re-connected to our ex, we are using. Read that again. Attempting to re-connect with our ex, even without them present, gives us a fix on a physiological level. We’re getting high off of them, in their absence. It’s the masturbatory version of having them around again because, in solitude, we use the thoughts and activities that link us to them to accomplish what their company would. Why are we like this? Because we get a brief, dopamine high from feeling nearer to them. And, half the time, we don’t even realize that’s what we’re doing. So let’s stop that today, shall we? Let’s review what counts as “using” and see who among us is as guilty as I have definitely been so very many times before.

First, there’s the hardest part: the thoughts.

Looping the good times makes you miss them. Recalling arguments makes you angry. Wondering what they’re up to. Imagining who they’re with now. These thoughts arise and we ride them into a sunset of our own insanity, unable to focus on anything else. Thoughts are so tough to overcome. The antidote? Taking your brain to the gym to hone your re-focusing muscle and build some self calming brawn. (AKA meditation.) Meditation is a great practice for learning how to give these thoughts the finger as soon as they pop up. How’s it work? Not at all how you think.


(This is 100% normal. Especially if you’re just starting out…)

First, you sit in quiet silence, focusing on your breathing. Inevitably, the thought comes up. And, inevitably, you’ll start going with that thought. Your chest tightens. Your heartbeat quickens. (“That bastard! That slut!”) Then, suddenly, you’ll realize a minute or two later that you’re meant to be meditating and get mad at yourself. Skip the getting mad step. Instead, immediately return to the deep calming breath, redirect your focus, and calm your central nervous system. I don’t care if you hitched to that bad thought for five seconds or five hours. Skip the self deprecation part. Why? Because that mental deviation is part of meditation. You don’t get strong by lifting no weight. And you don’t get strong by quitting after the first rep. So, know that this process will repeat. Let it. Let those awful thoughts come, combat them with your breath and attention, and continue on. What you’ll notice is that the more than you do this, the time it takes to return to your self calming breath will become briefer and briefer. What you’ll also notice is that this will become second nature – like muscle memory – later on when you’re actually interacting with the world functionally; not just when you’re sitting in some serene lotus posture beside your sage and citrus Yankee candle. It actually translates to the real world.

The second means of “using” is social media.


(Ooooh… homegirl broke out the laptop to see his new ho in high def…)

Maybe you innocently hopped on to check notifications.

But, within moments, you’re on the prowl.

Did he change his profile picture? Did she update her relationship status to single yet? Or worse – “in a relationship” again? With someone else? Did he re-friend that ex he was talking to on the sly all along? Is she online right now? If so, who’s she talking to? Technology adds an awful whole new layer we never had to deal with a couple decades ago. It deprives us of the Schroedinger’s cat element of breakups. (“Maybe he moved on; maybe he didn’t…”) There’s no good outcome that arises from doing this. So, why do we do it? Again, to get our fix. There’s the fleeting excitement while we wait for that page to load. It’s a gamble. Maybe there’s some news that will drive us even further into anxiety. Maybe there’s nothing, and we’ll still wonder what they’re up to. The cycle not only continues, but gets amplified. And the prospect of detox is even further away now that we’ve reignited that cycle. The fix to seeking our fix? In this case, it may mean avoiding social media or even just blocking your ex to avoid the temptation of seeing what they’re doing.

The third thing we do to us is quite similar.

It’s a habit that combines the first two. And that’s the “communication review”. Ever peruse your old text messages and conversations? In a way, it’s like you’re reliving your whole relationship again. The inside jokes. The pictures. And then… the arguments and cruel words. By the end of your phone scrolling, you’ve not only failed to help yourself detox. You’re literally right back where you were at the start – freshly broken up. No wound healing. No moving on. You’ve just brought everything to the surface – only to suffer again. The compulsion to use is even stronger when we ruminate.

It’s the classic insanity of returning to the source of our pain to assuage said pain.


(Re-reading rejection makes you feel devalued again. Self devalue make us use. What do we use? The thing that devalued us. Do you see the cycle?)

Fourth is what I like to call the drive by.

You know where he goes. Hangs out. Shops. Gets his gas. You know when she’ll get off work and what street she tends to drive down. Ask yourself the honest question, then: are you purposely passing through these places because you know they’ll be there at those times? Are you taking the long way home in hopes of seeing his car? And who might be in it with him? In the past, I’ve realized that I was doing this on a subconscious level. My denial was so strong, that I didn’t even realize I was taking the long road that passes by his street each day or hitting the Walmart only when I knew he might be there. I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out. It came as more of a question: “Do you realize you never take that way home whenever you guys are doing okay?” Ouch. The truth hurt. (Even though I totally got defensive and denied it at the time.) But it remained true. And what happened after that was that, when I did knowingly take the long way home, I felt even worse than before. I mean it felt bad before, but I didn’t know why. Now I knew, and that feeling was amplified. Because, now, I felt worse for a lack of seeing him (or seeing him, for that matter) and worse about myself for giving into my addiction yet again. Relapse induces feelings of worthlessness. We feel devalued all over again. So, save yourself the trouble of these self deprecating activities by not only quitting the intentional drive-bys, but by avoiding places they may be. Even if it means going out of your way to visit the other Walmart across town. Not forever. Just for now.

Fifth is the super cringe-y one I never thought I’d do: the mutual friend schmooze. So… you haven’t spoken to that couple with whom you’re mutually pals, his mom, his grandma, or anyone else you both know for well over a year. Then, the breakup happens. And, within moments, you’re sending funny memes to her sister or his grams, hoping that their positive vote for you will register with your errant ex. He’ll come back when he sees how great everyone else thinks you are. He won’t. Also, your motives are so obvious. I’ve seen this one from my recent ex’s exes so many times. One chick he dated previously would come visit his mom for coffee after they broke up. Another took out his sister on spa trips (using her daddy’s credit card, big baller of a barista that she was). I rolled my eyes at this one so hard. That is, until I was the ex and realizing I was seconds from sending a picture to his grandma I thought she’d find funny. Ew. No. Put the phone down. Don’t be that guy. Or girl. Or whatever other non gender or double gender options we have now, in 2019.


(“Let’s send him a selfie of us together so he knows I came over to steal your pills help you out today!”)

So, why do we do this stuff? Aside from to get our fix? Well, in my past, it’s been about closure. Was there something hidden there in the messages, in the memories, or the passenger’s side of his passing Subaru that would give me a clue? Let me save you some time. The answer is no. Whatever you potentially recall or find as you rewind the gag reel that was your relationship might lead to more questions. But it definitely won’t give you any answers. Or closure. Only they can give you answers. But that’s not your cue to reach out. Because, when you do, they may not be the answers you want, you’ll reignite the addiction by interacting with them, and you’ll deny yourself closure because you don’t want to hear anything other than that they want you back. Case in point? When my ex told me he didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore, I immediately reached for any other reason it could be. Anything other than a lack of attraction. Was there another girl? What it just that he was freshly sober? More questions – until I finally stopped myself short. I cut myself off. Why? Because this self inquiry came to me: “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” That’s a horrible place to be. Constant signs of rejection are worse than being alone. Also, if you truly love them, as I loved him, you wouldn’t want that kind of a life for them, either. Only I could give myself closure from here on out. How? By closing the door on him and addictive activities like these that kept me linked to a dead connection.

And so can you.

Tips To Quit Your Ex And Detox From A Breakup (Part 1)

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Did you know that love and cocaine do the same thing to the brain?

No, really.


(Ring finger rock? Or crack rock? It’s all the same…)

If you look at image studies of the human brain under the influence of love versus said upper drug, the same thing’s happening. The same areas of your think organ light right up. There’s a dopamine high that lasts for around three months when we first fall for someone. Then, it dwindles. However, we remain linked to them because of that hormonal tethering we experienced. Kinda scary, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. It’s scary inasmuch as it means our minds might be lying to us for the first few months after we meet someone we think we love. (The real test is if positive sentiments – even if they aren’t elation – persist thereafter.) However, when it comes to breakups, it’s kind of comforting. It’s comforting because you’re so inconsolably miserable. Now, that might not make sense, but hear me out. See, all along, you’ve been telling yourself to just knock it off, get over it, and sack up. Be stronger than the problem. Move on. You even go through the motions of “moving on”. You move about your day even though you want to stay in bed. Your brain and body are sprinting in the complete opposite direction of your will. When nighttime comes, the day’s distraction and laughter turns to tears.

So, what’s the fix?

Well, while time is always the answer to healing a broken heart, it’s what you do with that time that matters. We didn’t get into the habit of being linked to our ex overnight. There may have even been a time in the beginning where we had our doubts. Maybe we didn’t want to relinquish parts of our identity. Or even our solo time – or time with friends. It took a while to acclimate to life with them. Likewise, it’ll take a while to acclimate to life without them. It’s just that the getting over them process is longer than the getting into them one because of the internal chemicals involved. That’s why we can’t just fill our days with distracting activities. Those are good to a point. And so is the act of focusing on your career, hobbies, friends, or passion projects. But these tips are going to be a bit different. These tips are meant to address what happens in those moments when our brains are too tired to be productive or creative or social – and the demons of the past are upon us. What we have to remember is that we got hooked on our relationship and that took time. Similarly, the only way to get over it is to get those chemicals out of our system. But the trick is that we have to be committed to that – to getting over them – if that’s what we truly want.

Is that what you truly want?

If the answer to that is yes, then we need to answer the next question honestly. “Am I waiting around?” Think about it before answering. This is especially difficult in “on again; off again” relationships. If the M.O. for your partner is to get in touch after a week or two to “talk things out”, you might find yourself waiting around to see if they’ll call. I’ve done this so many times. Why? Because usually the argument was over something dumb that could be fixed. However, the most recent one was one from which there was no returning. He said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. And he said it when he was totally sober. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt. However, unlike a tipsy argument or a clashing of egos, this was a dead end. No amount of “talking it out” can fix if someone doesn’t love you. And my bottom line is that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. The end. It may be painful, but it’s far simpler than wondering what he’s thinking and not getting any answers. Now I know, so I can close the door. Unfortunately, not everyone gets that closure, though. (I feel for you guys. I’ve been there, too.) So, what you have to decide is whether you want to wait around and torture yourself or whether you want to take back your power and move on.

The following tips are for those who finally have decided to do the latter…

(Keep reading for actionable advice on how to truly move on.)